In the years since offense and passing has taken over the league scores have been slowly rising on average. But 70 points? Even 50 points is still a rare occurrence. 70 Points is relatively rare even in college, which every week features major conference powerhouses beating the snot out of smaller schools who volunteered for the privilege.  70 points just doesn’t happen. It has only happened like 3 times in NFL history. What we witnessed was frankly unbelievable. I’m actually furious at McDaniel for not going for the extra field goal at the end. You are already up there, stamp your name in the history books. Fuck sportsmanship. Burn it down. Sean Payton is an asshole anyway, give him no quarter.

Outside that, it was a modest week for chaos. Week 3 is always when clarity starts to arrive in the league and we begin to get a real picture of what teams are. The Vikings are the same team as last year, but now the chaos coin flips are hitting on the wrong side. The Jets would probably be a playoff contender with anyone besides Zach Wilson under center. The Bears are…woof. The Bears are something else. The Saints entire season might be wrapped up in Derek Carr, as soon as he went out with an injury they fell apart. The Browns were capable without Chubb, but you have to wonder about their limit. The Bills took care of business and the Commies came back down to earth. Monday night didn’t feature much chaos, but the Bengals got into the win column.

But the big chaotic surprise this week was Dallas going down in embarassing fashion to the “tanking” Cardinals. The Cardinals faced 3 NFC East teams in a row in weeks 1-3. They fell apart to the Commanders, they fell apart to the Giants, but then, against the obvious top team of the 3 and a team currently getting a ton of hype (much of it actually deserved this time!) after the early wins, they stood firm. Dallas once again frauds itself up, giving us an early glimpse of January. Good for the Cardinals and Josh Dobbs. They have some fight, and I respect it. The Bears are the true worst team in the NFL.

The Giants are a mediocre football team. The 49ers game went about as bad as expected for an away game, missing two key starters, on a short week, against an NFC powerhouse. This won’t be a fun season like last year, it’ll be full of sloppy wins and ugly losses. My hope at this point is players developing. I’m very worried that Joe Schoen took two busts right after one another in Kayvon Thibodeaux and Evan Neal. I’m also deeply skeptical of Wink’s defense. I think his strategy of constant blitz pressure is one that has a low ceiling. Blitzing the QB has a tendency to work on younger, inexperienced passers, and bad teams. It has a tendency to get beaten by good passers with experience. Brock Purdy was clearly shaken early on in the game, but his skillset is largely in short, accurate passing to YAC monsters and pretty soon Deebo, Kittle, and CMC destroyed the backend. I don’t know if Brock Purdy is truly good yet, the stars have aligned for him so far, but against his squad, pressure was a bad choice.

Honestly, the Cardinals beating Dallas may have been a more chaotic win overall, but 70 points is a once-in-a-lifetime scoring event. 70 Fucking points. A new record for offensive yardage. We may never see a game like that again. I had Redzone on that afternoon, and they missed about half the touchdowns because there were so many.

Kirk Cousins and the Vikings get a chance to pull it off right at the end, only to not spike the ball for some reason, waste time, run a play, and have the game-sealing interception ricochet off two dudes. It was like everything that last year was boiled down to its essence, only to go the wrong way. Also big ups to Rapist Mcgee on his backwards pass. That was really funny. Also in funny QB shenanigans, this 4th down by Jordan Love. Lastly, sorry Dan Orlovsky, Gardner Minshew stepping out of the back of the endzone doesn’t free you from the jokes. You are still the golden example.

The Packers. The Packers entered the year with most people assuming they’d suck, outside the regular contingent of Packers loonies. So far they’ve been a pretty interesting watch. They put up tons of points on the Bears (but let them hang around). They went up early on the Falcons only to fall apart. They then proceeded to do the exact opposite against the Saints with a substantial late-game comeback to keep the home opener streak alive.

The Jaguars. What the fuck is going on? Jacksonville was a surprise last year and that team appears to have gone missing again. They looked awful against the rebuilding Texans, handing CJ Stroud an easy first win of his career. The AFC South was supposed to be a pile of garbage this year with the Jaguars easily cruising to the top, but right now they are 1-2 with only a squeaker win over the Colts. The Colts, meanwhile, beat Baltimore and now lead the division.

The Commanders. The Bills were always going to be a tough match but the Commies had surprised both weeks so far. They instead took the 3rd most embarassing loss of the weekend and looked completely and utterly outmatched the entire time. They have a ways to go yet.

The Jets. It took them all game to muster one meaningful drive at the end to make the game mildly interesting. Zach Wilson is a war crime.


BETS FOR NEXT WEEK: PIXAR WEEK. In honor of the bizarre Disney Toy Story broadcast game happening between the Falcons and Jags

Packers have surprised but the Lions are simply operating on all cylinders this season. Staying on the train.
If the Packers win, I will draw Jordan Love as Hector from Coco, only he’s wearing a cheesehead

Going Falcons until the Jaguars prove they aren’t frauds.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor as Bo Peep

Rams had a bad outing against the Bengals but I’m not sold on the Colts quite yet.
If the Colts win, I will draw Jim Irsay as Carl from UP and the QB who plays as Russell

ooof. The Ravens looked pretty good until this past weekend against the Colts. The Browns defense is incredibly legit and is going to carry this team. I’m gonna take the Browns again.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Lamar Jackson as Frozone

The Vikings are not as bad as their record but they have to actually get in the win column at some point. I have faith.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Andy Dalton as Merida. If Bryce Young plays, I’ll draw him as Remy

Bengals feel like they are getting back on track. The defense is stout and Burrow survived Aaron Donald with no extra injury. Titans are kind of a mess.
If the Titans win, I will draw Derrick Henry as Bruce the Shark from Finding Nemo

Bucs are probably better, especially if Derek Carr is out.
If the Saints win, I will draw Jameis Winston as Mater towing Derek Car

GAME OF THE WEEK! Killer defense meets Titan offense. I love these Dolphins, Miami wins.
If the Bills win, I will draw Josh Allen as Joy with Tua as Sadness

What’s the opposite of the Game of the Week? This. I guess I’ll go…Broncos? Jesus someone has to win this.
If the Bears win, I will draw Justin Fields as Lotso Huggin Bear, after ripping Bullseye in half

Commies get boned. Simple stuff really.
If the Commies win, I will draw Sam Howell as Mike Wazowski and Terry McLaurin as Sully

The Texans have been a thorn in Jacksonville’s side for years, but I don’t think CJ Stroud is going to have the same easy time against the Tomlin squad and that Watt-led defense.
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud as Randall from Monsters Inc, scaring Kenny Pickett Boo

Chargers are very fun to watch and will put up points. The Raiders just aren’t good.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Jimmy G as Buzz Lightyear

Cardinals got fight in them but lol that magic never lasts long.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Josh Dobbs as Eve from Wall-E blowing up Stinky Pete

Cowboys got trapped this weekend, but they can probably get things back on track now.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Bill Belichick as Evil Emperor Zurg, killing Dak Prescott Woody

These Chiefs are now the team of Taylor Swift and now they get to beat up Zach Wilson.
If the Jets win, I will draw Zach Wilson as Dash getting weirdly close to various Pixar moms

If the Giants are going to make any progress, they have to start by beating fellow middling teams. The Hawks aren’t a bad team by any stretch but they are far more flawed than Dallas or SF. This is a winnable game if they play smart and good ball. That’s why I have no faith and they lose.
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll as Heimlich from A Bugs Life, with Daniel Jones as Flik

Both QBs as toy abominations Sid made