Earl Thomas is lucky to be alive. We could be having a far more serious discussion right now and thankfully we are not. For those less terminally online with things to love and a life to live who missed this spicy little news drop yesterday: Earl Thomas got caught in bed with another woman by his wife, who held what she thought was an empty gun at his head. The gun was not empty and the safety was not on. If she had squeezed the trigger at all, Earl would be dead. Yikes.

His wife found out about the cheating because Earl put it up on his snapchat. This is an incredible self-own, yet still only his second worst self-own this year. Here’s the first, lest we forget. His wife grabbed a gun, unloaded the clip (and forgot the one in the chamber), and threatened Thomas with it. Then we had what I can only presume was a Benny Hill-esque struggle until the cops showed up and arrested the wife. Thankfully, nobody was hurt, and we can make jokes about how ridiculous all this is. The best part may have come afterward, as Earl tried to get ahead of the story and said this, emphasis mine:

“Instead of talking about us, just keep us in y’all prayers, Stuff like this happens.”

It sure does! I can’t even count the number of people I knew who cheated on their spouse on snapchat while their sibling was also getting it on and then got held at gunpoint. Shit’s more common than pollen allergies in spring. Sadly, it is also my duty to report that the funniest and freakiest bit of the TMZ story may not have been true. The story reads as if Earl and his brother Seth were getting their freak on in the same room, making this a delightful orgy of infidelity. According to a follow up report, the bros and their hoes were not in a steamy seduction of love together, but in separate rooms. If this story was on a menu the spicy pepper icon next to the item would have just dropped from 3 peppers to 1. Should we believe this second report? I guess. I think most of us can agree the idea of Earl cheating on his wife in a family sex party is way funnier.

If his wife really wanted to scare Thomas straight, she should have sent Derrick Henry into the room.

…shit that would have been a funnier comic.