One of the joys of this comic is getting to see how a lot of my work ages in real time. On Halloween 2017, in lieu of a Joe Buck joke, I gave Houston some love. I posted it right before the Astros’ world series win. The Texans now had Deshaun Watson. The Rockets were championship contenders. Houston was a sports city on the rise. Little did any of us know, that second panel would come true. Someone who loves Houston sports found a monkeys paw and wished for that world series. Houston has been paying for it ever since.

The Astros went from darlings to cheating bastards, tainting their impressive championship run. Now they are one of baseball’s pariahs, hated and disrespected by all. Villains. The Rockets? Never reached the finals, coming the closest just 6 months later when they choked in game 7 of the western conference finals after bricking 27 threes in a row. Then the unrest started. Chris Paul was dealt. Westbrook came in. The team underperformed again. Now Westbrook is gone and James Harden forced his way to Brooklyn to join Kevin Durant. The future of the Rockets looks bleak. At least they have *checks notes* John Wall after two years of injury? Boogie Cousins? Good luck with that.

But you’re not here to talk basketball. You’re here for football and the disaster currently unfolding that is the Texans. In 2017 Houston appeared to have the first decent Belichick tree coach and a franchise QB. Watt was beginning his decline but was still good. The defense was set. A year or two and this team could compete. They almost did. Then they ran into Patrick Mahomes and since then nothing has gone right. The coach who choked the playoffs away got a promotion to GM. He traded away the best WR in football for peanuts. He traded away a stud LT because he refused to pay him, then traded more picks for a different stud LT that commands even more money. He got in a feud with JJ Watt, Texans royalty. The team sucked ass and he was fired after 4 weeks. “Well, that’s the end of that error”, we all thought. We were wrong.

Turns out the issues run much deeper. Jack Easterby, a former pastor (yes, pastor) for the Patriots and who looks like Jeff Bezos and Dobby had a child has wormtongued his way into the ear of Cal McNair, the failson owner of the Houston Texans as the vice president of football operations. He has proceeded to cause a tremendous rift in the organization. When Deshaun signed a huge deal in September (after Nuk was traded), he probably did so under the impression he was now valuable to the franchise and would rightfully get a say in the direction of the team. Easterby appears to have undermined that. The new GM, Nick Caserio, the guy they wanted to hire two years ago, is from the Patriots just like Pastor Bezos. They hired him without input from Deshaun and he was rightfully mad about it. They then started their coaching search without looking at Eric Bienemy, the widely considered favorite.

This nonsense and disrespect to Watson now has him and Pastor Bezos at an impasse. Watson has threatened to never play another snap for the team. Basically ever single person on earth except for failson McNair has recognized that Easterby needs to get thrown out a window immediately. The Texans may end up trading one of the best QBs in the league because this bozo has the owner by the ear. There are photoshops online of Watson on almost every team. The Jets seem like the most believable partner, though the Dolphins have also been rumored since apparently half a season of not being a god at football has turned many of them against Tua already. This past weekend the fans tried to hold a rally to keep Deshaun in Houston, which Watson himself requested not happen due to Covid. I wouldn’t blame you for speculating that he also requested it stop because he’s fed up and wants to leave.

The Texans are now reportedly going to interview Bieniemy, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they hire him simply to squash the problem. Bieniemy hasn’t been quite as hot a prospect as expected so far; he has questions about how important he actually is in the KC offense and some unfortunate past transgressions that seem to be amplified due to racist undertones as the league once again hires plenty of bland white dudes. Deshaun may get his man all along but there is a distinct feeling in the air that it won’t be for the right reasons, and the trust between owner and player is likely permanently damaged unless McNair comes to his senses soon and throws Pastor Bozo into Galveston Bay.

All in all, it’s a bad time to be a Houston sports fan.