Baker Slays The Browns Hydra
I am officially retiring the Browns Hydra. I probably could have held on for a while, because there is certainly no guarantee Baker continues to improve and the team doesn’t regress within the next year, but after 2 and a half seasons and the Browns finally gathering into a competent organization it just feels right to let the hydra go. Browns fans have been asking me to do it for years now, and the hydra honestly isn’t as fun when you haven’t updated it since 2018. The fun was how often I was updating it.
I think if I really wanted to, I could hold off till Baker gets his second contract, as that is truly the sign that a team has found a franchise QB, but Baker has already started the second most games for the nu-Browns since Tim Couch. He’s the first one to win a playoff game. He has commercials. He’s won the hearts of Cleveland despite some hiccups in year 2 and 3. So even if the team turns back into mush, it feels right to move on to another target. They got over the hump, even if it ends up being briefly. Farewell Browns Hydra, and may Baker be the guy for many seasons to come.
Oh Friday, a new hydra of sorts shall rise. While no one has been as bad as the Browns at QB, one other team has made a remarkable case for itself.
One last look at our old friend. Many of these heads will also be featured on the new hydra.
EDIT: IT’S NOT GONNA BE MIAMI, STOP GUESSING MIAMI
I see Dark Souls alt text…
I love the alt text. They’re great little easter eggs.
Miami QBs since Marino?
Can iy be anywhere but the JEST?
Jets are at 20 starters since 1999. Dolphins are at 24. Pennington and Fitzpatrick are on both lists.
Raiders are also at 20, with four guys who were also on the Browns Hydra. Actually, I think Josh McCown has played for all four of these teams.
I think if you go for just the most recent 8-15 years the JEST will be the leader.
Well, Miami had Tannehill for 7 years. If Baker in 3 years is considered to have killed the Browns hydra…
Attacking a Hydra’s body doesn’t work because it heals way too quickly. You have to cut off all it’s heads and then have your wizard cast Fireball to burn all the stumps so they can’t grow back.
You can also take the Order of the Stick approach and keep adding heads until it doesn’t have enough blood to keep all of them conscious and passes out.
“…and that’s the story of how I made my first million gold pieces.”
For some reason I keep thinking Mike Glennon played a game for the Browns somewhere along the line so I’m always expecting to see his head a couple yards above the rest.
Heads up Dave: Minor typo near the bottom. You could have been done *an* hour ago.
“one other team has made a remarkable case for itself”… I believe the next hydra will have at least one head with a cigarette in its mouth that doesn’t care.
Actually just checked, WFT was more overlaps with the hydra (4) than the Bears (3). But they both have Sexy Rexy, and only the Bears have 4 more of Dave’s favorite QB’s to draw: Cutler, Orton, Foles, and Glennon (and I have to figure he’s just itching for an excuse to make a hydra that includes Glennon)
Derp, no WFT just have 3 overlaps, same as Bears. Definitely Bears.
Next Hydra’s probably going to be Vikings kickers
Baker looks so full of emotion. Somehow that’s the same guy who cussed out Kansas while maintaining his Heisman status.
Bengals’ seasons of no playoff wins?
Miami should be the new Hydra. They’ve actually started more QBs than the Browns have since 99
But dak… and rivers… dang this is an exciting offseason
Bears starting QBs have their own (sad) wiki. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Chicago_Bears_starting_quarterbacks
Can we talk about how underrated Nick Chubb is? He is definitely a top 5 RB in my book and is basically a smaller Derrick Henry.
The new Hydra has to be the jets or bears right?
You did a really good job drawing Manzeil’s stupid face
Why’s he up there? He’s a professional golfer, not a quarterback…
Who’s between Kessler and Taylor? Hogan?
I’ll hold off judgement that the browns are good considering they played an even softer schedule than the steelers, who everybody mocked for their easy schedule. The browns had the second easiest schedule last year, only playing 3 teams with outside of their division with winning records, two of which were at home. Looking at their schedule next year, they seem like a good candidate for regression.
I would agree with this, but honestly given that they won a playoff game and gave Kansas City a very strong run for their money, I think it’s fair to start looking at the as a pretty legit squad. They might regress, but with the pieces they have and (finally) a chance to enter the season with a coach that isn’t a complete unknown, I think they’ll do fine next year. Not calling a Super Bowl, but they should be in the playoffs again.
Their playoff win was against the steelers, who fell off a cliff after week 11. Sure they played KC close, but KC also was missing Mahomes for most of the second half. Their defense should be legit, but I don’t think Mayfield is the answer. Even with the weapons around him and the charmin soft schedule the only stat he really improved upon from his career average was interceptions, and that was such a sharp drop that it seems unsustainable. I don’t think they’re playoff bound unless all of the AFC North bombs (which is possible). I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they end up below .500 next year, even if they stay healthy again.
Found Cowherd account.
If you think they’re getting by on the strength of their defense, you’re not watching them play.
The Jets beat the Rams. There’s no such thing as a soft schedule.
Gotta be Washington
It’s going to be a Broncos hydra, isn’t it?
Denver’s only been stuck in QB hell for a few years now. The price of a Peyton Manning I guess.
I’m thinking it could be Arizona, Chicago, or Washington. Based on how things have been going recently, I think Dave is gonna roll with Washington.
Definitely Washington. In the past few years alone:
Kirk Cousins, Colt McCoy, Alex Smith, Taylor Heinecke, Dwayne Haskins, Josh Johnson, Mark Sanchez
i think its jets or washington next
Poor Joe Thomas…
Is it bad I thought of Houston?
Matt Schuab locked that down for years.
Gotta be post-Manning Broncos.
With the way the Football Team goes through QBs I would be shocked to see any other team.
What about a coaching tree hydra? Who do we see leading that shit show?
A ‘coach hydra’ is a great idea! Might be even better than the QBs…
The Browns had a good one going, but they mighta killed it last year as well — though it’d be awesome to see where Belichick falls on that one.
Gotta be Denver. Our fanbase insistence that each Qb since Manning is the answer makes it so much funnier. And most candidates off the top of my head *could* have their answer right now. Drew Lock certainly isn’t it.
Simian-osweiller-sanchez-lynch-keenum-flacco-rypien-Lock-allen-driskel
It has to be the Chicago Bears. Since Jim McMahon. Although the franchise hydra for the last 100 years would be fun as well.
It’s going to be a hydra…… of hydras! Imagine a pair of big, meaty legs, with several torsos coming out of it. One for the Bears, Broncos, Jets, maybe WFT. Each with their own set of heads.
Maybe some of them will be QBs, some will be kickers, some coaches. You’re going to need a 4K monitor to look at them all.
Either Colts/Jets or Dolphins
Colts?!?! How in the world can you say the Colts? Peyton Manning, Curtis Painter, some other guy while Manning was hurt, Andrew Luck, Jacoby Brissett, and Philip Rivers. Am I missing anyone? 6 or 7 guys in 20 years is a dream for most teams.
Houston or Las Vegas?
Any chance the hydra comes back now?