The Draw Play

Sometimes when I am working, I can’t help but wonder if I am the first person in the history of the universe to create a certain thing. Has any other person, ever, in all of history, drawn WR Steve Smith Sr. of the Carolina Panthers next to the SkiFree yeti? I think I am the first. I think I can claim that. Hell I might be able to claim Steve Smith and Aerith / the murder of Julius Caesar too.

I have a theory that there are 3 kinds of short guys. First is the regular guy. He’s a normal guy, just lower on the height spectrum. He’s chill, he knows he can’t do anything about his height, and he just goes about his life. Maybe he’s bothered by short jokes, but he’s enough of a regular guy that it isn’t a big deal. This is just most short guys, especially as adults.

Then you have the Jester. The insecure short guy who cannot accept his genetics and blames his stature for many things in his life. His lack of romantic, athletic, or professional success. He gets really worked up at short jokes (which just increases the likelihood of people making short jokes in a negative feedback loop). Many of these guys will chill out over the years, but some will get really messed up about it and be a generally unpleasant person to be around.

Then you have the Monster. The guys who take their stature as a challenge to defy. They not only own their height, but wield it as a weapon. If you see a gang walk down the street, the short guy in front is probably the most dangerous guy. They want you to underestimate them. They thrive on it. For every whiney incel short guy blaming his height for his lack of romantic success, you’ll have one of these guys just pulling new baddies every week through sheer charisma. Being tall seems like a massive advantage for most professional sports, so you gotta take the little guys seriously.

Steve Smith was the primo example of an angry little guy who you underestimated at your own peril. Wide Reciever is a position where height frequently matters a lot, as the ability to jump and reach for balls is a godsend. Short receivers are usually slot guys at best, little gadget dudes who can run underneath and serve a role but not take over a game. Steve Smith could take over a game. Steve Smith was 5’9 and played like he was the hulk.

Smith was also cool as hell and gave viewers no shortage of classic moments. From him pretending to wipe the baby to his many fights, to this particular classic post-game comment. Smith fought then-Patriots cornerback Aquib Talib so bad that Talib hurt his hamstring and had to leave the game. When asked about it, Smith offered the coldest medical advice ever given. God I miss Steve Smith. Even in retirement, he still knows how to sling it, famously ethering Jerry Jeudy’s entire career in one sideline discussion.

The league was better with Steve Smith in it. I don’t know if he’ll ever make the Hall of Fame (as he’s one of those bubble edge case guys) but he remains one of the most entertaining and enjoyable players I ever watched.