The Draw Play

When I was a kid on the playground after school, back in the prehistoric times before the internet and phones, I was like every other gross gradeschool boy. I hocked them loogies. Me and my circle of friends all had our own special bodily fluid talents that we’d demonstrate on the pavement in the parking lot. I was never good at the loogies. I wasn’t good at sucking that phlegm down into my throat to make those big thick wads that the pros could launch. My particular talent was snot rockets, I preferred to launch straight from the source. My one friend could gleek on command, which was to the delight of all of us. My other friend was the guy who could swallow air and burp on command. Every single friend group of young boys has this field of talents. Some of us never grow up. You better believe I can still launch a rocket better than Space X.

Our 2025 season started with a real wet slap on the front of Dak’s jersey. Can’t say I saw that coming.

About 6 game seconds into the season opener between Dallas and Philly and we had our first ejection of the season as Eagles DT Jalen Carter hocked a big fat phlemball right on the Cowboys Quarterback. It took everyone roughly 5 minutes to even figure out what the fuck had happened until the NBC broadcast booth managed to find the first footage of the crime. An absurdly insane thing to happen. Carter became the fastest season ejection in NFL history that I know of, and also probably the fastest game ejection in history as well, though that might depend on your definition of when a game starts. As Andrew Sicilliano pointed out, Joey Porter and William Green once got ejected minutes before kickoff. Personally, I think that doesn’t count. I believe a game starts at kickoff. The clock has to be in play. Carter’s record of 6 seconds might be a Jerry Rice level of unbeatable.

The drama did not end there. Later on in the game, right as spit takes were finally starting to dry out, we got the Zapruder film of the incident. Turns out, Jalen didn’t spit out of nowhere. He was….PROVOKED???? Footage shows Dak hocking his own loogie on the ground in Carter’s direction prior to Carter’s saliva launch. My initial thought here was to not blame Dak. Sometimes you just end up with a bunch of phlegm in your mouth and you gotta spit it. I have allergies, I get phlegmy during certain times of the year. I figured Dak had to release the sluice gate and clear his throat, Carter misinterpreted it as a taunt, and reacted. But that was before I decided to go back to it with a closer eye. I spent hours grinding the tape in the film room.

He 100% taunted Carter.

A guy who just has to hock a loogie will turn to the most empty spot of lawn to spit, as to not hit anyone. Dak walks up to the edge of the huddle, leans between his two guys, and spits on the ground before smiling and nodding his head at Carter. 100% a taunt. So much for Dak being a classy guy. I don’t know if this spit was also a reaction, maybe Jalen Carter was talking shit to him before and Dak decided to fuck with him, but Dak 100% taunted him. And it worked!

They say they always call the retaliation shot and not the starter of the fight. Dak played Carter like a fool. Carter’s actions in the wake of Dak’s loogie were completely unacceptable. You can’t spit on people. You can’t react like that. You gotta flop and whine to the officials, that’s the veteran move. Carter has much to learn. Pretend that spit took out your ACL. Get Dak in trouble. Congrats, Carter, you played yourself. Dak should have been flagged for taunting (but not ejected). Carter got what he deserved for being a dumbass.

I will say. Carter has solid velocity. With no windup, he sent a pretty thick wad of goo right onto Dak with fairly minimal dropoff. Carter may be a dipshit, but the man’s got some talent.