WILDCARD BETS – WILDCARD BITCHES
THAT WAS A GOOD WEEK OF PLAYOFF FOOTBALL!
It wasn’t all perfect, in fact, a lot of it was ugly. But for the most part, that was a better football weekend than most of us would have expected. I wouldn’t say there were any true surprises if you look at the final results of every game. If you watched the games, however, each one was a bit wild in it’s own way. Let’s start with the least chaotic and get weird from there.
SAN FRANCISCO/SEATTLE
If you saw this final score, you’d probably think to yourself “yeah, that looks like what I expected”. If you watched the second half, that’s exactly what most of us would have expected. The chaos in this game, what it was, was the first half. Seattle balled out! They made it a pretty good game and honestly if they had been able to keep that level of play the Hawks might have had a chance. Sadly, they had to play perfectly and they started to slip up as the game went on. This game wasn’t terribly notable outside the tight first half and the fact that Brock Purdy once again stepped up to the plate. Fun fact of the day, Purdy now has the same number of postseason TD throws (4) as Jimmy Garoppolo. Yeah. The 49ers went on two deep runs with Jimmy and he only threw 4 TDs in all those games. Man Jimmy might just…suck.
DALLAS/TAMPA
Tampa was a mediocre team with a losing record coming into this game. This should have been the result the entire time, we just let the mystique of Tom Brady cloud our judgment on a team that basically got here by default. Dallas took care of business. But the kicker did shank four straight extra points! What fun. Adios Brady, go fuck off somewhere.
CINCY/BALTIMORE
Without Lamar the Ravens were always going to have a tough uphill battle. But they held their own in a classic borderline unwatchable AFC North slugfest. Huntley just isn’t as good as Lamar. Greg Roman should and will probably be let go soon after another game where his playcalling and design was atrocious. Lamar himself might also be gone soon too. While the game was far closer than it should have been, divisional games always make things fun. However I do want to give this game credit for probably having the single most chaotic play of the entire weekend: Huntley trying to QB sneak over the top from 2 yards out was a terrible idea to start, and it went as bad as possible after the ball got popped out and Sam Hubbard took it 98 yards to the house. That play was, at minimum, a 10-point swing, as the Ravens were pretty much guaranteed at least a field goal should they not cough it up. The 24-17 score shows that the fumble also proved to be the difference in the game. What a play. Indicative of the entire season for the Ravens, really.
MIAMI/BUFFALO
This is the game that should have been a blowout similar to SF/Sea. No Tua, not even Teddy, but Skylar Thompson? In Buffalo? Yes, it is a divisional game and those get weird, but even after a close first half Buffalo tends to remember who they are in the second half. They did! And yet, Miami stuck with them. In fact, if Miami could at any point get a play called in time, they might have actually won! This was always a tall order for the Dolphins but it was a credit to McDaniel and company to make it this much of a game. It also lasted so long that the Giants/Vikings game had to be delayed by 20 minutes.
NEW YORK/MINNESOTA
Unless you have a defense fetish, this was actually the best football game of the week! We all knew this one would be silly and wild, and boy, neither team’s defense decided to show up. Daniel Jones went bonkers, having maybe his best game ever at the best time, dropping dimes and rushing like nobody on the Vikings knew he was there. They didn’t! I’ve seen Jones scramble well before, I’ve never seen him scramble so effectively to the point where he actually got tired on a drive. This one featured tons of big plays, lead changes, long drives, and fun. Saquon did Saquon things! Kirk played lights out connecting with Hockenson all day. Sadly, that was the connection that would kill them all. The Vikings lived by the one-score chaos, and they finally died by it. I didn’t even celebrate when Kirk threw it short of the sticks with the game on the line, I was too stunned to believe it happened.
But, come on. We all know what was going here. CHAOS OF THE WEEK goes to the Jaguars and Chargers, giving us a diet, playoffs version of the Vikings/Colts. The Jaguars played pretty much one of the worst halves of football I’ve ever watched. Trevor Lawrence looked maybe the worst he’s looked, even under Urban Meyer. When they muffed the Chargers’ kick, giving them yet another red zone possession, I was delirious with laughter, because how could you not be? The Jaguars season was going up in tremendous amounts of smoke. Yet…the Chargers were the ones on fire, and we just didn’t know it yet. When the Jags got the pity touchdown before halftime I remember thinking “okay, maybe they can preserve some dignity with a good second half”. Wow. Fucking…wow. The Jaguars turned into absolute monsters and the Chargers died a horrible death. The funny part is, watching the second half, is it made it clear that the Jaguars were actually the better team the whole time. Once they stopped kicking themselves in the dick, gifting LA short fields, they owned Los Angeles. LA scored 17 of their 27 points off turnovers, which considering the mess Jacksonville was handing them, is actually kinda bad. This game was a secret blowout by Jacksonville, and Joey Bosa throwing tantrums was my pissbaby moment of the year.
GIANTS CORNER:
Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. This is the first playoff win in The Draw Play era. I started it after the 2011 win. I forgot how badly my nerves get fried, and that game made it worse because we were in it to the end with a team known for last-minute bullshit. I also forgot how fucking good a playoff win feels. I took the dog for a walk right afterward, dancing and fist-bumping the whole time, probably confusing my neighbors. I can’t believe this season has happened. We entered this year with a roster that was arguably worse than last year’s 4 win medium pepsi disaster, and we made the divisional round. This season was supposed to be a wash. Necessary suffering to make it to the future. Now here we are. Playing with house money, probably with the coach of the year, and easily the most fun I’ve had since 2011. The ride probably ends in Philly this weekend but I can’t feel anything other than satisfied.
MOST UNWATCHABLE GAME OF THE WEEK: I ranked Dallas/Tampa higher than Hawks/9ers on the chaos meter but it was solely for the 4 missed PATs, which was objectively hilarious. That’s the first game where the most attention I paid was during the extra point kicks. Everything else was unwatchable dreck.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK: Also Tampa. You could have at least made it something of a game, you fucking losers.
PICKS
Okay, Divisional Round, whadda ya got for us?
JAGUARS @ CHIEFS
Jaguars are this year’s hot chaos ticket and the Chiefs have been known to play with their food instead of stomping them out. Do I think the Jaguars have much chance to win this? No. But I’m through counting them out. They could come in here and fuck us all up hardcore, and it will be incredible if it happens.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence, slathered in BBQ sauce, as he feasts on the ribs of a dead walrus
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Walrus Andy Reid in a speedo
GIANTS @ EAGLES
The Giants, by all logic, should lose. They lost to Philly twice already and are heavily outmatched to a stacked Eagles roster. If they lose, I’ll be sad, fuck the Eagles, but this was such a run that it’s hard to actually get upset about it considering by all logic we shouldn’t even be here. But the Eagles cooled off in the final weeks of the season, Hurts and Lane Johnson are hurt, and the Giants second stringers actually put up a fight against them in week 18 with nothing to play for. The Giants should not win, but any team playing with house money can cause some chaos to reign.
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll knocking out Rocky Balboa
If the Eagles win, I will draw Jalen Hurts as Sam the Eagle
BENGALS @ BILLS
It kind of confuses me that this game isn’t also at a neutral site. The NFL essentially decided that the Hamlin game did not happen, leaving both team’s records in place with winning % deciding the seeds. But because the Bills and Chiefs were in contention for the top seed and home-field, they decided to have a potential Bills/Chiefs game in a neutral site. But why did the NFL decide to only accommodate for one of the potential scenarios that the Hamlin game would have decided? If you accommodate for the Bills winning a non-existent game, shouldn’t you also accommodate for the Bengals winning? If the Bengals won that game, they’d also be 14-4 and own the head-to-head tiebreaker, wouldn’t they? Didn’t the Bengals essentially have a chance to own the 2nd seed with a win that day? In fact, if the Bengals had 14 wins, didn’t they also have a head-to-head tiebreaker over the Chiefs? Could the Bengals have taken the #1 seed if things fell their way? Unless someone can point me to the math that says no, it feels like this game should also be neutral, so I get why Bengals fans spent the week miffed. Either accommodate both scenarios or neither or them. Anyway I think the Bengals win it.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joey the Tiger nuking Buffalo from orbit
If the Bills win, I will draw Josh Allen hurdling a frozen Bengal tiger
COWBOYS @ 49ERS
Can the 49ers do me a solid and ruin Dallas two years in a row? I hope so. God I hope so. The 49ers though have also been the beneficiaries of a weaker schedule during this amazing run, and Dallas is going to be their biggest test so far. Brock Purdy may finally look like the rookie he is against Micah Parsons and company, so the question is how much can he hold out while SF does their best to force Dallas into very McCarthy-esque mistakes. SF should take it, but I think Dallas has a surprising shot. I have to go wash my mouth out now that felt awful to say.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Dak Prescott as a western gunslinger, posing over dead Sherrif Purdy
If the 49ers win, I will draw Brock Purdy as a powerful prospector, driving his pickaxe into outlaw Dak’s head
Discussion (32) ¬
It was nice seeing the Fins put up a fight in a playoff game.
Also, is DPCU Brock Purdy just Gohan now?
I dunno what the Chargers were thinking having Josh McDaniels guest coach the second half, but it sure was hilarious!
No way we should have had a shot against Buffalo, especially after that first quarter – but to be 13-point dogs, then push them to within 3 is an achievement in and of itself when we had a 7th round rookie at QB.
Getting that close only to puke it up on stupid penalties is peak Miami though.
Now then – if we allegedly want Tua back, HOW ABOUT WE PROTECT HIS ASS THIS TIME?!
The Dolphins haven’t “protected” anyone since the last time Miami lost in the Wild Card Round to Buffalo (Shula’s last game).
I am honestly not sure if Miami’s clock problems weren’t just them trying to be too cute with their play calling and forgetting that their starting quarterback was goddamn Skylar Thompson. Regardless, they came shockingly close to upsetting the heavily favored Bills in a legitimately exciting game, so I am happier with how the season ended than I have been in fucking years. I will take putting the outright fear of god into the team of destiny with a smile.
I wouldn’t say the Giants D didn’t show up. Other than the Vikings’ first drive they essentially made Jefferson a non-factor the rest of the game. And by the 4th quarter they were effectively pressuring Cousins. Granted for most of the game Hockenson ran roughshod and was the Rich Man’s Boston Scott against the Giants, but on that final 4th down McKinney got to him. While Mike Kafka has been good as OC, I’m relieved that he’s the one more likely to leave for a head coaching position than Wink Martindale as I think Wink’s done more with less as DC and I think with Daboll, we could get by with a new OC (though I still hope we can keep Kafka a bit longer).
Also except for the bull shit roughing the passer call against Dexter Lawrence that got a lot of attention, this was actually a well officiated game where they largely let both teams play and were efficient with expedited reviews.
Wink has long wanted a HC job so I don’t know, I want to keep Wink and Kafka because I’m not sure how much of the offense is Daboll and how much is Kafka. I like Kafka’s play calling
Very true. It was clear Winks gameplan was to shut down Jefferson and make the Vikings win without him and they couldn’t. They did put up 24. The Eagles offense has a lot more weapons and will be a lot tougher. Hopefully Jackson looks even better his second game back.
3 missed PATs is a tragedy but 4 missed PATs is a comedy…
Dave, I just found this out, but Brian Daboll was a longtime assistant for Belichick on the Pats. So if the hire pans out, we might have our first actually successful Belichick assistant (who isn’t a hack like Bill O’brien or got shafted like Brian Flores).
My take:
When the Bengals went off the field with Buffalo on that Monday Night, a narrative was created that both teams made the call not to play and not the NFL. This is punishment for making the Shield look bad. At least its giving the Bengals teams and fans something to rally around.
Unfortunately, this may be where the dream ends. Bengals depth issues with the OL and DBs are becoming an issue, and Buffalo had their Wake Up Game last weekend with that near miss with Miami. Unless the offense can figure it out this week, I don’t see us getting Buffalo.
The bengals one is pure art IT BELONGS IN A MUSAM
The least Josh Allen could do would be to slip a finger in the ol’ blow hole as he hurdled past!
I am very happy for the Jacksonville Jaguars and their insane sex pervert mascot.
I am not at all happy for the Dallas Cowboys and their insane sex pervert owner.
The Jags’ case is funny. The cowboys will never be funny.
I just can’t believe how people keep defending Josh Allen and saying he’s in the Mahomes tier of QBs, possibly even the best. It’s just not the case. He’s a turnover machine who made a ton of bad throws and was bailed out by an improbable catch by a lesser receiver to win that game. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still good. But he’s not a top guy. He looked like one for a stretch awhile back, and then we’ve been coasting on that ever since.
Patriots fan here
this is bullshit. He’s a top guy 100%.
Knowing the week 18 results, if Cincy had won they’d have been 13-4, tied with Buffalo, but half a game behind KC (who had gone 14-3).
Hence the scenario for Cincy to be the 1-seed required the Raiders to win week 18.
So, a Bills-Bengals game should be a neutral site, however a Bengals-Chiefs AFCCG should be at Arrowhead.
the ball pointer on the chaometer indicates one hell of a weighted average
Think of the teams and pointer as separate indicators. The teams are located due to how chaotic they are, the ball pointer is how chaotic the weekend was
Heh. Ball pointer.
“…same number of postseason TD throws (4) ”
I know they keep reporting that but it’s not true: Purdy had 3 TD passes and 1 TD run. So yes, 4 total, but not 4 passing.
I have no idea why NFL reporting keeps saying 4 passes. It’s not true.
I didn’t think anything could make me want the Giants to win more but seeing the drawing we’ll get if they do does it.
“If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence, slathered in BBQ sauce,…”
… in a Speedo?
I would like to thank Dallas for ensuring Brady goes out like Dan Marino instead of getting the one-last-ring sendoff he ruined his marriage for. Now please get destroyed by the Niners
All I want in this world now is for the Cowboys to win the Superbowl and then they cast Dak and Zeke in redo of the ‘Whopper Whopper Whopper’ commercial with them in their uniforms with shit eating grind before they take a bite. Then they play it every commercial break. Every single one.
We found the CEO of evil, everyone!
I want the Jags to win, only so I don’t see Walrus Andy Reid in a speedo.
“If the 49ers win, I will draw Brock Purdy as a dorky kid who is also a super saiyan“
Oh so basically the guy who played Goku in the live action movie,
“Adios Brady, go fuck off somewhere.”
I feel like the amount of people who have forgotten that Brady signed a like 300 million dollar deal to work at FOX Sports when he retires is astronomical based on the amount of comments I see like this that imply (to me) that he’s just going to disappear when he retires.
Joey Bosa didn’t throw a tantrum just to be a giant baby. He was being held almost every snap during the second half of that game and not a single time did the ref’s call it out. That was his problem.