EDIT: he picked the Cardinals the morning this went up, goddamnit

JJ Watt is no longer a Texan! It’s been hard to keep up with all the nonsense (even Russell Wilson is starting shit now), but Watt leaving Houston was certainly one of the bigger moments of the past month. Jack Easterby’s reign of terror continues.

Publicly, Watt gave a very reasonable explanation of why and how he left. He’s on the back end of his career and isn’t particularly keen on spending those waning years on a fresh rebuild. Yeah, I can understand that. His split seemed fairly amicable overall. A franchise legend requested a release, and the ownership respected it. Of course…this is the Texans. It was probably messier than that. JJ is nothing if not very good at the PR game and coming across as an impossibly respectful goody two shoes so there was probably some performance involved. At least, I think it’s fair to speculate there was considering everything else going on in that organization. Watt had the leverage Deshaun just doesn’t have.

So where does he go? Who is within a window of competition and has the cap space and a need for an over-the-hill-but-still-pretty-damn-good-when-healthy JJ Watt? Meh, lets not add to that tremendous level of discourse and speculation, because he’ll end up where he ends up. Let’s look at all the teams and why JJ would pick them!

PATRIOTS – He’s a great leader, expert at PR, bland personality, and he’s white as hell. He’ll fit right in.
JETS – Every girl sees the troubled hot guy in school and thinks they can change them. He thinks he can change the Jets.
DOLPHINS – Honestly a team with an upcoming future and his anti-fun personality can neutralize Miami a bit
BILLS – Yeah why not just hop on the bandwagon, Buffalo would love him
STEELERS – His brothers play here and there’s nothing yinzers would want to jerk themselves off about more
BROWNS – Hop on that bandwagon! *stares into the distance realizing the Browns are a hot ticket item now*
BENGALS – This team really needs a leader since Zac Taylor sure isn’t one
RAVENS – Sign here just to play against your brothers twice a year and piss off every yinzer
TITANS – Mike Vrabel and JJ Watt would likely both cut off their dicks for a championship, put that energy on the same team
JAGUARS – Hey, he spent so long being a goody two shoes, may as well learn how to be a scumbag from Urban Meyer
RAIDERS – Jon Gruden at least seems like he’d respect him
CHIEFS – Probably won’t find a better horse to attach your wagon to for the next few seasons if you want that chance
CHARGERS – Think of the lack of media coverage! It would be so relaxing.
BRONCOS – Von Miller might leave! Why not be the next future hall of famer to sign in Denver for your twilight and give Elway more credit than deserved?
GIANTS – Because no matter what state this team is in, it’ll be more respectful than signing with the Jets
EAGLES – JJ wants to write a tell-all book one day about football and what better place for drama than the Eagles?
COWBOYS – Hey, he gets to stay in Texas, that’s easy
TEAM – JJ loves having hope slowly removed from his soul week by week
FALCONS – JJ loves having hope slowly removed from his soul week by week
BUCS – Why not? Just put every star who wants a ring onto the Brady superteam
SAINTS – who would pass up a chance to play with the Taysom Hill?
PANTHERS – JJ can finally, once and for all, settle the BBQ debate within himself
VIKINGS – He likes living up north, but he wants a challenge
PACKERS – He likes living in Wisconsin, and doesn’t want a challenge
LIONS – He doesn’t want a challenge, but hates himself
BEARS – He secretly always hated Wisconsin and wants to spend the rest of his career personally offending them
RAMS – Hey, he could learn from Aaron Donald!
SEAHAWKS – JJ is totally a cop and he wants to make sure another CHAZ can’t happen, and the team will need a humorless PR robot after Wilson breaks free
49ERS – It’s where the season ending injuries go to hang out!
CARDINALS – Everyone wants to retire somewhere warm and Texas can’t fit that bill anymore
TEXANS – He should walk back into the office like Gandalf the White and banish Wormtongue from Cal McNair’s ear

I’m gonna pick a name out of a hat and say….Dolphins