Thank god there is a football game on tonight. We fucking need it.

ANYWAY, LETS DO CARTOON PICKS AGAIN! The world is still a hellscape, going out to watch the game with friends may literally be hazardous to our health, so I’m going to be stuffed in my room for the second year in a row watching football all Sunday long. Should leave plenty of time to do the doodles once more.

As a reminder from last year, I will pick every single game for the week. I will also place a cartoon bet. If I pick the game wrong, I have to draw my bet. For each game, I am open to audience suggestion on ideas, but try to keep ideas relatively simple in nature because I’m not spending 3 hours on a grand rendering for a game where the 4-8 Raiders lose by a field goal to the 3-9 Broncos.

I missed week 1 last year, so there is a very good chance this week goes bad for me (which means good for you). We have no idea what teams are going to be good, which will regress, which will have fluke games and win or lose something they shouldn’t. We are going in on pure prediction alone. Lets do this. This will also function as a season preview for each team, so if you have personal thoughts you’d like to add concerning your own team, please comment since I’m sure the rest of us don’t follow your team as closely as you do and won’t know as much.

The Cowboys are, on paper, the best team in the NFC East. Maybe if only because they have the literal only good QB in the entire division, back healthy after his ankle was torn to shreds last year. But like most Cowboys seasons, it’s hard to imagine them not wasting their talents thanks to subpar coaching holding them back again and again like it always does. This group of players is going to break up soon thanks to salary cap restrictions, so if they want to win, they need to do it soon. I don’t see the season starting well against the Bucs.
The Bucs are basically the same team that just won the Super Bowl. Brady is ageless and saying “well he’s a year older!” means basically nothing anymore so I won’t even begin to hope he’ll regress. Lets assume he’s himself. Antonio Brown is back. Mike Evans is back. The defense is back. The entire team is vaccinated so there isn’t much risk of Covid protocol hiccups. The roster is top heavy and they don’t have a ton of depth, so injuries might hold them back, but it’s hard to bet against the super team that already proved they can do it one year ago. I expect a good playoff run out of these boys if not a repeat bowl appearance. This game should be entertaining, but the Bucs have the experience, the coaching, the spirit, and also I just personally hate Dallas and wish nothing but pain on them. Bucs win.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Tom Brady crying as he eats avocado ice cream

Already I have no idea who the fuck to pick.
The Texans are a complete tire fire of an organization. The QB is probably a sex pest. The rest of the roster that was good is now on the Cardinals. The coach is a career loser scapegoat because no one else wanted the gig. The owner is a disaster. The team is effectively run by a Christian preacher who think’s he’s a comedian. This team, on paper, should probably be the worst franchise in the league. The problem is the sex pest QB is actually good at football and they are playing the Jaguars.
The Jaguars offseason was hype until it wasn’t. They got Urban Meyer! He’s had success before! He’s a big name! They landed Trevor Lawrence, football Thor! They…are still a long was away from being a relevant team. Questions on if Urban Meyer can handle the pros are already being thrown around. Their other first round pick, Travis Etienne, is out for the year. Trevor went from a loaded Clemson squad to hoping DJ Chark stays alive. This team sucks. It has been brought to my attention the Sex Pest QB isn’t even starting the game, Tyrod is, which makes this an even bigger shit show so I’m going to pick the Jags because what the fuck, lets get hype.
If the Texans win, I will draw Urban Meyer going “I’ve made a huge mistake”

The Chargers are hype. They got the rookie QB sensation Justin Herbert, who rules. They got a new coach they poached from the Rams, the guy who led the Rams defense to #1 in the NFL last season. The roster is full of fun surprises. Things are looking up! Of course, if you expect the Chargers to actually fulfill your expectations for them, you must have started watching football within the last year or so. They will find a way to choke. They always will. It is the Chargers curse.
The TEAM would probably be the best team in the NFC East if they weren’t starting Ryan Fitzpatrick. Everyone loves Fitz because he’s a big barrel of laughs but Fitz sucks, even when he’s good. Fitz has never played in a playoff game. If you expect Fitz to lead you to the promised land…you might have better hope becoming a Chargers fan. That said, Fitz will become Tom Brady at least 3 times a year, the problem is guessing which games he does it and which games make him turn into Ryan Leaf. I think this week favors Fitz because there is nothing more Chargers than starting out in a big hole, almost climbing out, then falling back in. TEAM wins.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Herbert as Zeus

The Colts! They are good. Well, they probably would be if they hadn’t decided to pin their hopes on Mr. Unvaccinated Glass himself. TY Hilton seems to be over the hill now, the franchise lineman Quenton Nelson is hurt already, and Carson Wentz sucks but Frank Reich is like an optimistic young girlfriend dating the lazy troubled bad boy. He thinks he can change him. He won’t. This season is going to be a pile of mediocrity. That’s my Colts prediction.
The Seahawks will continue their tradition of being good but also frustrating as absolute hell and not nearly as successful as it feels like they should be. I look forward to Russ finally getting fed up with this team after they lose in the wildcard round again as the last lingering optimists from the Legion of Boom bandwagoners finally come to terms with the fact that fandom will never be that fun again. It’ll be good this week though. Hawks win.
If the Colts win, I will draw Carson Wentz holding up his new hunting trophy, a dead Russ

Two garbage teams get to start the season being a game most of us will skip to watch something else. Well, maybe not as much as it would have been if a certain Mononucleosis super stud wasn’t now the centerpiece of the game. Darnold was a Jet, now he’s a Panther, and his first game is against the Jets and his very replacement, Mormon baby.  The Panthers have CMC, a more experienced QB, a more experienced coach, but absolutely none of the hype and they shouldn’t. Is anyone excited to watch Sam Fucking Darnold in 2021? I’m not. I have no idea what the Panthers long term plans are.
The Jets at least appear to have that once again. Mormon Baby is getting a ton of hype. Robert Saleh has basically been anointed as new coach of the year by seemingly everybody based on…being a good defensive coordinator for the 49ers for a few years. I’m not sold on the guy. He certainly seems like he could be a great hire, but why are we treating him like he’s already a veteran HC when he hasn’t won a game yet? I remember when Vic Fangio was this guy. An exemplary defensive coach everyone was excited to see finally get that head gig, and now Vic Fangio looks like a big pile of mashed potatoes who can’t quite figure out if he even wants the job he has. The Jets are going to win this game, get everyone beyond hyped, and be incredibly annoying until they lose horribly next week.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Sam Darnold as Hey Darnold

The Bengals are going to waste Joe Burrow’s career chances and it’s going to be incredibly sad. Fuck the Bengals. I expect nothing but disappointment from you.
The Vikings are a team destined for mediocrity. Justin Jefferson…good! Harrison Smith…good! Dalvin Cook…good! Kirk Cousins…who the fuck knows? Besides being a anti-vax moron, Cousins is basically an enigma as a player. He can play, his stats aren’t bad, but it also feels like he completely sucks. You can find arguments in his favor and not and both seem to be completely correct. My gut instinct tells me Cousins is a grifter who secretly sucks but plays just well enough to keep the lie going. That said, the Vikings are good enough to beat up on this terrible Bengals squad.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Skyline Chili kicking the ass of a Juicy Lucy

The damn Cardinals had it in their hands last year. They had it. Kyler had taken a step forward. The team was gelling. They had a great record and even god appeared to be on their side after the Hail Murray against Buffalo. Then they turned into a pile of exposed garbage, sitting in the hot Phoenix sun, getting so stinky people called the city to complain. Now they have JJ Watt, an old broken white guy retiring to Arizona for one last chance at glory.
The Titans choked away the playoffs last year with an incredibly cowardly punt. They still have a solid squad overall, and Derek Henry is my favorite player currently in the league. That said, they lost the guy who used him to the Falcons HC job and the window appears to be slowly closing. I think we saw peak Titans two years ago and last year. I hope they can give us another season of Henry magic but my hopes are low. I think the Cards win this one.
If the Titans win, I will draw Ryan Tannehill flicking bug-sized Kyler Murray off his shoulder

49ers @ LIONS
Dan Campbell seems like a really fun character but I have my doubts about him as a football coach. This team is currently bad, so I don’t expect much this year, especially not early. They might be the overachieving new coach winning squad that falls apart midway through the season, but even if they are, I doubt they beat the 49ers.
The 49ers can only have one of two seasons. They either go on a deep playoff run as one of the best teams in the NFC, or they all get hurt again and we start to question if Kyle Shanahan actually deserves as much credit as he gets since his teams always die horribly. In week 1 though, they should be healthy, so it’s clobberin time.
If the Lions win, I will draw Dan Campbell biting off Kyle Shanahan’s kneecaps.

The Bills hype is off the charts. Josh Allen is being treated like he’s Tom Brady by the fanbase after one great year. The gang is all here to set up for another good run. This team should contend, but be wary of any team with too much hype.
The Steelers brought back the fat rapist for one last go-round. They would probably have been better served just trying to rebuild instead. Ben looked terrible and spent last year, and I doubt he’ll look any better with another year of age on his beat up old jalopy of a body. Bills are gonna take this one and the fans will get even more insufferable.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Ben Roethlisberger eating a plate of buffalo wings, the table

The Eagles, on paper, should be the worst team in the NFC East. They have nothing good at Quarterback. They have nothing good at most positions on the roster. The new coach is…some guy. Howie Roseman is still there and now the fanbase hates him and his power play bullshit. This team has all the markings of a team headed for the top 5 draft picks. Since they exist in the chaos division, they will win 11 games and somehow go to the divisional round.
The Falcons are in a state of flux. They will probably win some games, lose a few more games, and generally impress nobody. It’ll be a season to forget. But man, the Eagles look like shit, so maybe they get the easy early win.
If the Eagles win, I will draw an Eagle punching a Falcon

I have no idea what to expect from the Browns. We’ve never been in this position before. We’ve never been in a position of the Browns coming off a successful year, looking to see what they can do to take that next step to go further into the playoffs. These are completely uncharted waters, folks, and I’m scared.
The Chiefs are still very good though and are an easy pick for super bowl contender as long as Mahomes stays upright. The line isn’t as firm as it used to be and the Bucs showed a good blueprint for beating the Chiefs. But they are still the Chiefs. The Browns have a chance to avenge their playoff loss here, but I don’t see it happening, especially in an away game.
If the Browns win, I will draw the Browns bulldog peeing on some KC BBQ

The Packers will be the Packers, petty Aaron Rodgers drama or no. I’m beginning to think Rodgers drama is just part of the package now and should be completely ignored. The Packers are destined for another playoff failure, possibly against this very team down the line, but that means they’ll have to win a bunch of games, starting with this one.
The Saints are going to feel weird without Brees in there. They should still be good. They should still be possibly great. Yet…something feels off. It feels over. I don’t see this team having the same spark being led by Taysom “might be able to throw a ball, who knows” Hill or Jameis “Can throw a ball, but doesn’t care who catches it” Winston. Packers win this one as the Saints begin the slow march into irrelevance.
If the Saints win, I will draw Jameis Winston eating a W…really sexy-like

(Spidermans pointing at each other meme goes here)
The Giants are probably just going to be the same team as last year. Defense should be stout and effective. Offense will probably suck. The offence might take a small step forward with all the new weapons, and I wouldn’t be shocked to see the defense take a small step back in kind. It’ll be a waste of a year, Jason Garrett won’t call a good game, the line won’t protect Jones, and Jones will suck and give the ball to the other team, only for the Giants to still somehow be in the game well into the 4th because the defense just kept giving it their all. Patrick Graham is probably poached at years end.
The Broncos are the same team! Good defense, horrible offense. Teddy Bridgewater is not the answer. This game will be complete and total ass, tune in if you want to watch a lot of punts, tackles for loss, and Joe Judge saying horrible words to the refs. I hate myself and my own team, so naturally I’m picking the Broncos. Teddy is a bit better than Jones.
If the Giants win, I will draw Joe Judge making Vic Fangio run laps

IT’S MAC JONES TIME! A lot of people were shocked by the Cam Newton release, but I was only shocked they full-on let him go. I expected him to start, suck, and Mac Jones would have the job by week 3. Newton is toast and the Patriots are smart to be moving on. Whether Jones ends up being what they need to get back into the playoffs, I guess we’ll see. As much as I despise the Patriots and want to see them toil in the gutter for 20 years, part of me wants to see Mac succeed after all the hate he got during the draft. It would be funny.
This is going to be an interesting year for the Dolphins. They openly tanked, got their man, over achieved, fell apart, and now we come to this crossroads. Will Tua take a step forward? Was the Brian Flores hype a bit too unquestioned? I’m actually pessimistic about the Dolphins and think they are headed for a tire fire. They keep trading away good players for unknown reasons. They openly tried to get Houston Sex Pest but Also Good QB Deshaun Watson just a year after being so happy to have Tua. Pardon the pun, but something is fishy down in Miami. It smells weird. I don’t like it. Dolphins win because the Pats are probably going to start slow.
If the Pats win, I will draw Mac Jones kicking Tua off a pedestal that says “Alabama QBs that might be good in the NFL”

Is it just me or does it feel weird to think these were two playoff teams last year? The Rams even won a game! Now they have Stafford and should be good on offense again, right? Right? Is Stafford secretly great and will be even better now that he’s free of Detroit? I don’t know. I have hope.
What about Justin Fields? We have to wait. They made Andy Dalton a promise, and I presume the Bears and Matt Nagy will keep that promise for 3 quarters. It’ll be too late to save this game, which goes easily in the Rams favor.
If the Bears win, I will draw Winnie the Pooh shooting a ram in the face

The Raiders are always the death of me. I haven’t paid attention to a single piece of Raiders news this offseason. I have no idea what that team is doing. Who they are starting. What to expect. I don’t care. They won’t make the playoffs and they’ll be like, 8-9 and I’ll pick every game wrong somehow. Fuck Las Vegas. I’ve never been to Las Vegas and I have no desire to go.
The Ravens will probably be good. The big question is will Lamar Jackson learn to throw the ball good too. Kind of a big question that needs answering. Ravens win.
If the Raiders win, I will draw a Spider asking Y 2 Bananas?


EDIT: Oh my god the alt-text is a joke, my marriage is fine

EDIT 2: No comic tomorrow, leaving this page up so everyone sees it till Monday