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So, on the latest episode of the Draw Play Podcast (which yes, I have a podcast, I very often forget to share this fact. If this kind of nonsense is up your alley, the Podcast is very much for you), me and my co-host took on a very difficult task. We decided to look at the entire Smash Bros roster and make a football team out of it. If you want the full process and the wisdom behind the choices, here’s the episode. What the hell else are you gonna do with an hour of your time these days? Be productive? I see you playing Animal Crossing and hoping I won’t notice.

Here is a truncated version of what we came up with. I fully expect and want your disagreements and arguments for changes. If you don’t like video games or smash bros…well sorry

OWNER: ROY – A rich aristocrat who thinks he’s important
GENERAL MANAGER: Isabelle – She’d be garbage at football, but with her job in Animal Crossing, she’s basically already the GM
HEAD COACH: Palutena – she’s basically a god and gives advice to Pit on everything so she seems like she’d be a good benevolent leader
OC: Shulk – smart dude, is all about different ways to attack
DC: Snake – the thinking man, would be great at studying the enemy to plan for unique ways to attack
Strength and Conditioning Coach: Wii Fit Trainer
Team Doctor: Dr. Mario
Mascot: Captain Falcon – The taunts are incredible

QB: Mewtwo – Basically the smartest fighter and capable of holding the ball well out of anyone’s reach, can see everything coming
RB: Inkling – Can just straight up spray paint on the field and swim through it under everyone, also very quick
RB 2: Bowser Jr – the wrecking ball of the two backs, can just plow through people by shooting cannon balls and punching them out of the way while keeping the ball safe in his pod
WR 1: Yoshi – Can elevate like hell, can move pretty fast in ball form, and has great reach with his tongue. Also a very good trick play type, as he can throw.
WR 2: Falco – He’s fast and has the attitude of a diva
WR 3: Game & Watch – Has a bucket move to catch everything, and how do you tackle a 2-d sprite that you can’t see if he comes at you
TE: Banjo Kazooie – Need a blocker? Banjo on bottom. Need to run a route? Kazooie has your speed. Perfect player.
LEFT OT: Donkey Kong – Quick for a big guy, wide wingspan, can headbutt rushers into the ground, can straight up grab defenders and run off to the sideline and throw them away
LEFT G: King DeDeDe – Just a giant pancake blocker who can also hammer defenders into the stratosphere and stomp on them or inhale them
CENTER: Ganondorf – Keeps everyone on the line in line, powerful punches keep defenders off, can create hella rushing lanes by going Ganon form and charging forward
RIGHT G: K. Rool – Also pancake blocks and can literally reflect defenders with his gut
RIGHT OT: Bowser – Just damn huge and mean

DT: Charizard – can be swapped out for Ivysaur or Squirtle for speed rushes depending on the look
DT: Ridley – Can block basically every single passing lane just by holding up his wings
DE: Incineroar – Perfect combination of size, speed, and grapple ability. He was built for this position.
DE: R.O.B. – Larger and more powerful than you’d expect, incredible tornado move, can get off so many grapples with how his arms can move up and down his frame
MLB: Robin – The MLB is the QB of the defense and has to know what’s up. Robin is a complete bookworm and knows every possible attack so well that they can direct everything.
OLB: Wolf – Just mean and aggressive, is built to hit and reflect you back
OLB: Kirby – I mean can you get a better containment linebacker than something that just straight vacuums up the ball carrier. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii indeed.
CB1: Zero Suit Samus – Very fast and nimble, can shoot the ball out of the sky or lasso it for a pick
CB2: Pit – Can fly, move fast, reflect, and is generally very irritating. Perfect pest.
SS: Zelda – Can teleport across the field to where she is needed, can reflect, fireball the ball into a tip dril, and can transform into fast ninja Sheik when required
FS: Sonic – Literally game breaking. The entire field is automatically covered at all times. Can bounce on a spring, intercept the ball, and be in the endzone before anyone knows what happened.

Long Snapper: Greninja – Very good at throwing projectiles long distances
Kicker: Peach – Can pick which weapon to swing into the ball depending on the type of kick needed, also her over-a move is basically a football kick
Punter: Bayonetta – Incredible air control of objects, intense juggling powers
Gunner: Little Mac – Very good at running straight at something extremely fast and hitting it ridiculously hard
Returner: Fox – Can do quick dashes, reflect tackles, or just fly into the endzone in his arwing.

QB2 – Olimar – incredible at throwing, a small Russell Wilson type
QB 3 – Simon/Richter – Mostly just dudes who can throw but they just straight up look like QBs. Richter looks like buff Daniel Jones
RB3 – Ice Climbers – talk about an RB by committee, they can freeze defenders in place and throw the other one over the line.
Center – Wario – Can just fart the ball to the QB and clear a path on his bike
DT – Piranha Plant – Takes up lots of space and can eat the ball-carrier
DE – The Samuses – Can go morphball to get off blocks, can shoot the ball down, leave bombs in running lanes
OLB – The Links, Ken
MLB – Cloud
TE – Terry
CB – Diddy Kong, Duck Hunt
S – Villager

Everyone else – practice squad or cut