The True Reason Why The World Is On Fire
I mean, I don’t see any evidence to say this wasn’t the case. Chiefs? Corona? Covid? They all start with the letter C. Maybe a Chiefs fan decided to watch the world burn. They might have won the final super bowl for all we know. Hell, if I’m going to go down in flames, I’d want to go down in flames on top. Stop blaming China. Blame Missouri.
You could argue that if making a deal with the devil to let the world burn for a championship would have happened years ago due to a Browns fan gladly requesting that, but I’m not sure. Demons enjoy suffering, and leaving Cleveland/Detroit/Buffalo/ etc in a state of suffering would be more entertaining. Chiefs fans? They’ve been a different sort of suffering. Also, they can get sweet BBQ if the whole football thing doesn’t work out. Cleveland doesn’t have a food. What does Cleveland even have? I guess the Cleveland Clinic? The Rock and Roll hall of fame? Rock music is dead now. The Christmas Story house? Cleveland has people from Cleveland who insist it isn’t that bad. You’ll find this brand of person in every mid-market city with a depressed reputation. “Come on, Buffalo isn’t that bad, I’ve lived here all my life and I love it!” I visited Winnipeg once. Every single local went out of their way to defend it. Let me tell you something: Winnipeg sucks. I at least got trashed and had my most drunken escapades ever in Cleveland. In Winnipeg you couldn’t go out at night because you’d freeze to death or you’d be stripped to the bone in minutes by the worst mosquitoes I have ever seen. Fuck Winnipeg.
This blog post has gotten away from me. Fuck it, let’s just stay on this topic. We’re all quarantined and unable to leave the house. What place have you visited that you’d rather die in quarantine than visit again? Fucking Winnipeg. It had horrible road conditions, the worst case of mosquitoes I have ever seen, and it was in a big flat plain with no scenery. Look at this midwestern nothing of a skyline. It has the Canadian Museum of Human Rights in it because it has to go out of it’s way to remind the residents of Winnipeg that life is worth living. The whole city flooded recently. The best sports team is the Jets, who got pretty far in the playoffs like 2 years ago I guess. The Blue Bombers apparently won the title last year? Shows how important that was. But let’s circle back to the mosquitoes. In roughly ten minutes outside one evening, I got roughly 65% of my lifetime total mosquito bites by vile swarms of bugs the size of nickles. It was viscerally disgusting and for that reason alone I will never go back. I was there as a guest and didn’t even have to pay for my trip or most of my food and I still have zero desire to go back. At least the people I met were nice.
Congrats on winning the last ever super bowl, Chiefs
Winnipeg might also be the only city that has a song describing how much it sucks: https://youtu.be/xLlsjEP7L-k
Song? How about a whole album – “Winnipeg is a Frozen Shithole – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Z02wKG6RRQ“.
I too was attacked by an overly aggressive mosquito there – inside a freaking McDonalds!
At least one good thing’s come out of this, sports-wise. The NFL has opened up their video archives so I get to watch games out of the vault for free until the end of May. Great deal for someone like me who lives in a barren wasteland regarding football.
The downside is that I only get to watch the games up to 2012. Just for laughs, I wanted to rewatch the old nonsense of Tim Tebow’s magic season and I found out that I couldn’t do that because that was the 2011 season. Bummer.
Oh well, nothing’s perfect. At least I might be able to track down this comic’s timeline and take a look at the games it references that I missed, they should all be available.
Going back through this comic is a great time capsule. Lots of stories I have forgotten over the years. Gotta love the random button.
Why does the devil come out of Lean Cuisine? Should I start buying Lean Cuisine? I’ve been eating Hungry Man meals for years, but zero devils encountered.
Cleveland has good eastern European food. Shit like pierogi, spaetzle, stuffed cabbage, packi, palacsinta, strudel, schnitzel, and buttercream layer cakes.
Don’t forget the Polish Boy and Girl.
Cleveland has lots of breweries, bars, and restaurants. Also theaters and museums and a world class pop, jazz, and classical music scene. And suddenly I’m even more depressed about being stuck at home with none of those things open.
No offense, but every city of a decent size is going to have most of those things. KC has a few breweries and a ton of bars and restaurants. The local music scene tends to lean more towards metal and alternative, but there’s a fair amount of Blues and Jazz as well as the Jazz Museum attached to the Negro League Baseball Museum. We have art galleries and performing art centers, a zoo, Sprint Center.
I’m sure most midwest cities of our size have a lot of these things.
We have one of the Big Five orchestras and the largest theater scene between New York and LA, which is why I mentioned those things specifically.
Excuse me are you trying to imply CLEVELAND has a bigger theater scene than Chicago?
or boston?
You can listen to live performances of Bartok at the bars in Cleveland. Checkmate.
I’m not from Cleveland, but I’d defend it too, along with almost all major midwestern cities. They might not have quite as many cool, unique things as a NYC or LA, but they still have lots of great unique restaurants and attractions, and as a bonus, it’s actually affordable to live in them or visit them!
Man, if a demon got that request from a Browns fan he’d say “there are limits to even my powers”
Hey, I’m from Winnipeg, and I’ll have you know that it floods every year. It’s just that last year it flooded twice.
As a Roughrider fan who grew up in Saskatchewan I found the take quite accurate.
Go Riders
Fuck Winnipeg!
Lol. Regina is the Mad Catz version of Winnipeg.
Got to tell you: having been to Stavanger, Norway, it’s not on my revisit list.
The rock hall in Cleveland is hardly just rock music. Madonna is in there for Christs sake. It’s still worth visiting though. Lots of cool stuff if you’re into music.
Dave, why does the coronavirus look like the Cookie Monster?
Maybe it’s the quarantine speaking, but I loved this comic and blog post. Also, I live in Alabama. There is nothing redeeming about this place. The whole state. Not just one city. It’s not even fun to pass through while traveling. The summer sucks (our mosquitoes rival Winnipeg’s). Fall doesn’t really exist. Winter is like spring. And spring is just 1st Summer. On top of that, the only topic of interest all year is Alabama and Auburn football. If you’re not a fan of either team (which I am not), it is absolutely unbearable.
I’ve lived in Alabama for 20 plus years. I’d say the BHM area has gotten more interesting in the last 12 years with breweries and restaurants, et al. Folks who never lived anywhere else tend to overrate things, and there are real problems, but it’s not all bad. Most any negative charge that can be thrown at Alabama can levied against a number of states.
I live the southern area of Bama. I’m about an hour from Mobile and slightly over an hour from Pensacola. And have also lived in Coastal Mississippi, Indiana, and Atlanta GA. I know other places could be worse. But from where I’ve been, this one ranks the lowest.
huntsville is p cool tho
Covid can’t kill me because I already died watching the 4th quarter of the super bowl.
I agree with most of this post other than using skyline as an indicator of whether a place is good to live. I don’t get people’s obsession with tall ugly concrete and glass soulless structures. Chicago has one of the most iconic skylines on the planet and you couldn’t pay me to go there again, three times when I was a kid was enough. Then again I find just about every city over about 150k people to be unpleasant.
Anyway out of all the states I’ve lived in I’d rate Montana > Colorado > Kentucky > Indiana >>> Missouri >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Illinois. Montana has most of the cool stuff Colorado does but fewer people. Kentucky and Indiana are pleasant if you prefer smaller towns like I do but the weather sucks, too hot and humid in the summer. Missouri is a lesser version of both. There is nothing redeemable about Illinois, either in Chicagoland or in actual Illinois. Rural Illinois is just a shittier version of rural Indiana/Kentucky/Missouri in every meaningful way.
Though I’ve never lived there, Eastern Tennessee would be my favorite place on the planet if not for the summer weather. Gorgeous scenery and mountains, not overpopulated like Colorado’s Front Range, and without the brutal winters in Montana. I prefer harsh winters to harsh summers though.
/blogpost reply to blogpost
Skylines are visual aesthetics. They are neat. You even admit Chicago looks good. It adds appeal to a place, even if it is a minor concern. I find NYC terrifying and would never live there but even I can’t put it past me that from a visual standpoint there’s nothing like wandering the streets between skyscrapers. It’s spectacular. Skylines are rad, even if I’d prefer the majesty of a mountain instead.
Winnipeg can’t even muster a good skyline
Maybe try looking when it’s the middle of the night and the power is out. You won’t really see much, which is why that scenario would be at least ok.
Having lived in the Detroit area for a few years and lots of family there, it certainly has plenty to do, but the amount of people begging for money there is the worst I have encountered.
While nothing stood out about it as particularly bad, Wyoming wasn’t the most exciting place to visit the one time I saw parts of the state outside Yellowstone National Park.
can’t believe no one posted this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysmLA5TqbIY
“This train is carrying jobs out of Cleveland” is one of my favorite comedy song lyrics.
“our main export is crippling depression” is something i say all time nonappropos
also, my (proud) Detroit friend got a big kick out of the coda to follow up vid
Winnipeg may not be Vancouver or Toronto but we have affordable homes and real healthcare, the mosquitos haven’t been bad in 10 years as the drainage has improved, The Weakerthans love Winnipeg – the songs ironic, the floodway keeps the Red River from flooding the city and most places that deal with flooding would love to have one. Also, I made some decent coin working on the Canadian Museum for Human Rights! Lastly, artificial respirators were invented in Winnipeg 45 years ago.
Also, our food is better than the KC BBQ I had last fall when I went down to see KC-CIN. Although they certainly have the best QB in the game right now.
As for the KC watching the world burn thing… It’s more likely that Winnipeg wants to watch things burn, we had a Chinese national and her students travelling between our virology lab and the one in China… That’s the conspiracy to investigate!
Since you are a Patriots fan, I hereby rule that your opinion of Winnipeg is invalid. Nah just kidding. I’d visit at least once. I’ve always wanted to go to Canada.
I’m surprised more american’s don’t come to visit. After the exchange rate a persons spending money can go a lot further here, especially when the Canadian dollar in six feet under like it is right now.
At the same time, saying I want to visit Canada is like saying I want to visit the states, there’s a whole lot of difference between Kansas City, which felt like a sprawl with decay and a barely there downtown (much like Winnipeg), compared to anywhere on the west coast that could be a huge city with parks and lots of outdoor things to do (much like Vancouver). Vancouver is gorgeous and I like visiting my family there but I don’t have mad money to buy a house there, the market starts at a million bucks, it’s insane!
Have to say, as an Eagles fan, I thought something like this was going to happen after they defeated the Galactic Empire and won their first Lombardi. I guess the worst thing that’s happened is that all of Philly’s sports teams since then have been injured, underachieving, or both.
El Paso. Spent 1 night there moving from FL to AZ in 1994, never again.
Pizza Pops were invented in Winnipeg. Check mate.
Bat meats are to die for along with Wuhan’s duck necks.
I still think Kansas City could sell a bunch of “The Final Sports Champions” merchandise….
I moved to Winnipeg from the Mississippi gulf coast, so the mosquitoes don’t bother me. Hell, the cold doesn’t even bother me any more…I own stock in Thinsulate!
But I’ll take the cold, and the snow, and everything that goes with it to never have to deal with another hurricane!