The Broncos got their Super Bowl rings this past weekend and as usual they are gaudy, ugly beasts of diamonds. Honestly this third one isn’t that bad, it looks better than the first two, which are just ugly and vaguely look like they have penises in them. When I got to see all the rings last year in my visit to the hall of fame, I did realize that they aren’t nearly as big or terrible as most pictures make them look, and this ring will probably go down as one of the better ones in the recent decade. The Patriots and Ravens rings from the past 5 years are atrocious.

Now that that’s out of the way, lets make Ant puns
DeANTgelo Williams
Luke Colony of Ants
KawANT Short
CANT Newton
Kelvin BANTjamin
ThomANT Davis
JonANThan Stewart
ShANT Thompson
Charles AntHillman
Derek ANTerson
Ron RivANTra

Ants are silly things. I used to have a massive ant colony in my yard as a kid. It would be a massive city by the street in the drainage ditch, and a freeway line of ants would run down the driveway to another city near the side of the garage (I had a long driveway, This line was like 50 yards long, it was like Ants going from DC to NYC). It used to cross the driveway halfway up and when I was a kid I would take my play croquet mallet and sit in the middle, just smacking them. Over and over and over again. I’m probably considered a war criminal to ants. I committed ant genocide. It was fun because after 10 minutes of murder the freeway line of ants would shift as word of my carnage spread, and the line of ants would cross the driveway 10 feet further up. Ants are smart. Not smart enough to outwit a giant mallet, but smart. I should probably consider myself lucky they were a passive group of black ants and not fire ants or something equally evil.

If the PANTthers are the ants, then my mallet was Von Miller. Von Mallet, if you will.