The Draw Play

I’ve started to think the Detroit Lions are less football team and more performance art. I mean really, how does this happen? Over and over and over and over again? How have they not, in all this time, not gotten a lucky roll of the dice and found a QB worth keeping? A coach or GM worth keeping? An owner worth keeping? How can one franchise continue to keep making the same errors over and over again? How the hell can these utterly heartbreaking losses keep happening? It just never ends. They can’t even have a normal bad year or anything, everything has to fall apart in the process. They can’t just lose, they have to lose in the worst ways possible. A successful hail mary after the Packers failed all game to do much of anything? Whatever that “facemask” was? The Lions are like the football version of the aristocrats and it’s baffling. I’m convinced that when the NFL disbands or the sport ends, the owner of the team will come forward, walk up to a podium at the final press conference, and go “TAA DAAA” then bow and curtains will close, and it’ll get rave reviews. This franchise can’t be real anymore.

The Lions have such a strange flavor of perpetual failure to them. The Browns are lovable losers who just flop and suck when they are bad. The Bills? The Bills always have hope, even when history isn’t on their side. The Lions are different. They feel different. They are like the tortured kid in school with a horrible life and no friends that you just root for until he overcomes his trials and truimphs…only this is the real world, and the kid actually just ends up a loser with no future living in a van down by the river, slowly dying of AIDS. AIDS he got from a heroin needle, not even from getting laid.

Anyway here are my cartoons for the week on Uproxx, in case you missed them