The Greatest Social Distancers Of All Time
In these trying times we need to re-adjust our lives and our expectations. Contact with other humans is now dangerous, and can not be allowed. Therefore we must further adjust our heroes and our legends. No longer will tough tacklers be idolized and celebrated. We must embrace the space-creators, the distance generators, the juke artists. Social Distance is our new hero. Let us honor these monumental icons of our time.
Barry Sanders, a man almost allergic to being tackled, ran like oil avoiding water. A master ahead of his time.
Deion Sanders, a man who always thought about the economy, and made intelligent business decisions.
Aaron Rodgers, a man who understood the need to avoid family at all costs, lest our love for blood relatives cause our downfall.
Antonio Brown, who learned the fastest way to flatten the curve was to make sure no one would touch you to begin with.
But these are just a few of our new overlords. We should idolize more than just these 4 men. Who else deserves our worship?
Secretariat, a horse so determined to live that no one could ever catch it
Usain Bolt, the human version of Secretariat
Basically any baseball outfielder
Steph Curry, a man who knows that most contact happens within 30 feet of the basket and thus chooses to never get that close
Bill O’Brien, who smartly sends all important players very far away from him, just to be safe
JPP, who knows that hands are the most vulnerable points of contact
Basically anyone who does Fencing, a sport about dressing up in hazmat suits and masks and being touched causes you to lose
Who else do you nominate to be our GSDOAT’s?
Brittany Spears learned how to run pretty well recently
e gamers, because that shit is literally made for hermits and social pariahs
Nick Chubb knows how to practice proper social distancing. I’d argue Antonio Callaway does to. He reminded Chubb to stay at least six feet away from the safety.
I hope this will be AB’s new look going forward
Dean Spanos and San Diego
This one is just sad.
Having a good, winning franchise and the whole Browns organization. Matty P in Motown might have a good strategy too, insult everyone and make them want to leave.
What about the Browns/Lions with not going anywhere near the Super Bowl’s crowd?
I think the worst is NHL player Brad Marchant, he got talked to by the league for licking other players https://ftw.usatoday.com/2018/05/a-strange-history-of-nhl-brad-marchand-licking-and-kissing-players
The GSDOAT is Colin Kaepernick. Brought up an uncomfortable topic for white people, while also being benched for Blaine Gabbert, made sure no one would ever touch him again. Then when they tried to touch him again he cancelled his workout to make sure to maintain his distance. Brilliant.
The LSDOAT is Mark Sanchez. Not only does he run into people he goes straight for the body part with the highest probable infection rate.
The story isn’t just that he canceled his workout, the NFL was not dealing in good faith. Had he worked out at their venue, he would have had to sign some contracts surrendering all kinds of subsequent rights.
Didn’t you get the memo? We’re supposed to blindly hate Kaep because he’s… evil… or something? I dunno. But there is to be no empathizing. NO. EMPATHIZING.
That was the official story from Kaepernick’s camp, but I think he realized that him ending up a backup (best case) or no one wanting him (worst case) after a tryout would have been damaging to everything good that’s come of his protest.
The fact is that any legal documents would have been agreed on between his agent and the NFL before any of this was put in place. The legal aspect of events like these often take longer than it takes to plan them. Even if they tried last minute, showing up or at least threatening to let everyone know what the NFL is up to is the biggest leverage he had. I can’t think of any scenario where the actions his camp took made any sense except as part of a publicity stunt. Lol – purposely having the workout in Atlanta during rush hour is calculated.
I don’t really have a horse in this race, but, it’s hard to deny that the NFL (and a certain person in government) have a vested interest in perpetuating the notion that Kaep is bad business, and are actively working to keep him out of the NFL.
That said, Kaep himself is also at least partially to blame for protesting in a convoluted way that allowed them to paint him into a corner like this. You may as well protest animal cruelty by throwing live animals into a bon fire. He also admitted that he didn’t vote in the 2016 election… which undermines everything he claims to stand for.
So let’s go with Door #3 – they’re all morons.
Little wonder why some feel Kaep may not even bought into what he claimed to believe in. It leads to some questions, especially the bit about him not voting.
Greatest Sack of Dongs Of All Time?
a+ call on kaep
Brandon Lloyd. Dude was more afraid of contact than Howard Hughes in his later stages.
Steve Carlton, who decided to practice extreme social distancing decades before any of this happened
Tom Brady, who convinced refs to keep other players away from him
The Chargers fans, who know never to congregate in large groups.
Art Modell? For Cleveland anyway.
The lions and the browns! They’ve been distancing themselves from the playoffs for years.
Also Jared Allen. He forced Dan Orlovsky to run out of bounds for a safety without any physical contact!
Cam Newton and a fumbled ball in the Super Bowl
That was such a good example, now the whole franchise wants him to stay away.
Thank you, I laughed for a solid 5 minutes remembering that moment.
Vontaze Burfict because he lands one dirty hit and doesn’t have to tackle any else the rest of the year!
The Rams for distancing themselves from the first and second round of the draft for the foreseeable future!
You forgot about Devin Hester, greatest return man to play the sport
Rex Grossman for amount of space put between himself and the ball upon unleashing the dragon.
Or Baker Mayfield for the amount of space between the ball and his receiver’s outstretched hands…