The Draw Play

THE PLAYOFFS ARE HERE

This is, without a doubt, probably the most excited I have been for the playoffs in a long time. For the first time in ages and probably for the first time I started doing the Chaos report and bandwagon thing, I have pretty much zero idea how this is going to play out.

The NFL was sloppy and weird this season and we enter the post-season with a ton of question marks hovering above every single competitor. It isn’t a perfectly even balance; we have some clear favorites, but it feels closer in a way that the playoffs usually don’t. Every team here feels capable of a magical run, and every team here feels capable of a total out-of-left-field collapse that makes us question why they were here in the first place. We have quite possibly achieved peak chaos. Now we just have to see if the setup delivers the payoff. If we get a #1 Broncos/#1 Seahawks rematch that’ll be boring.

One thing I want to mention here is DEFENSE. After a decade of offenses rising and achieving new heights, it feels to me as if we are finally, truly back into a defensive era of football. Look at these playoffs and tell me defense doesn’t matter. Outside Jacksonville, New England, and maybe the Bills and Rams, we are looking at a slate of teams that have used stifling defense to compensate for lackluster offenses. The Bears are causing turnovers at an absurd rate. The Texans, Broncos, and Seahawks have spent all season bludgeoning opponents. The Eagles would easily be out of the playoffs if Vic Fangio wasn’t holding the line. The Steelers have skirted by on D to make it easier for the Old Man, and the Panthers have done enough to keep Young within striking range for several late-game comebacks. The Packers Micah Parsons was integral to their success this year and they feel shaky without him. The Rams and 49ers are known for their innovative offenses but those defenses have kept them afloat. Robert Saleh put together a tough wall using duct tape and cardboard and zero pass rush. Meanwhile multiple teams known for offense (Cowboys, Lions, Colts, Ravens) stumbled and missed entirely. We are in a defensive era of football, and we should appreciate it.

THE NFC
#1 – Seahawks
The Hawks spent most of the season a bit under the radar for such a quality year. They were chasing the Rams and 49ers for divisional control and always seemed to be in second place. Darnold proved last season was not a fluke but he also wasn’t setting the league in fire the same way he did in Minnesota. JSN was really fun and probably the highlight of the year for most of us. The defense has plenty of studs but very few true stars. But they kept at it, and the Thursday game against LA proved this team can overcome anything and the total shutdown of the 49ers with everything on the line proved they are not to be taken lightly. But…Sam Darnold’s ghosts still loom until he proves otherwise. He wasn’t without bad games and a couple of meltdowns this year. The run game is not impressive. If anything happens to JSN this offense is probably fucked.

#2 – Bears
If I had to pick the most fraudulent of all playoff teams, it’s the #2 seed Bears. But this is why I love them so much. They look like butt for 3 quarters and then pull miracles out of their asses. Caleb scrambles like a greased-up chicken with its head cut off, then throws passes that look like they are going to fly into the stands but magically end up on target. Ben Johnson’s book of tricks has no bottom and they will do anything. The run game is a workhorse and the defense has decided to just force bonkers turnovers at opportune times. But they have a very bad point differential for such a high seed and you simply cannot trust the team that has required multiple miracle comebacks (over bad competition) to be where they are. They smell like the 2022 Vikings.

#3 – Eagles
For the first half of the year many of us were simply waiting for the Eagles offense to figure it out. In the second half of the year it became obvious they would not. This offense STINKS. There is a reason OC Kevin Patullo’s house got egged, and that reason is only 60% because Philly fans are lunatics. This offense is broken. O-line injury and regression has made Saquon look like the guy the Giants were right to let go. AJ Brown is grumpy. Hurts has not been as effective running the ball, and his limitations as a passer are coming home to roost. There is no creativity in the playcalling. Nick Sirianni constantly makes very questionable decisions. Even the all-mighty Tush Push hasn’t been as effective this year and is likely about to get legislated out because of the difficulties in officiating it. But the thing is…all that talent is still there, and the defense is as good as ever. All the offense needs is a few good drives per game and it’s frequently enough to hold on. They could just…keep doing this bullshit and get away with it.

#4 – Panthers
JUST HAPPY TO BE HERE! The Panthers were not on anybody’s shortlist to be a playoff contender but here they are. All 8-9 of them. The Panthers were like this year’s diet Bears. They just hung around, got blown up a bunch, but also kept magically winning these close games they seemed to have no business winning to the point where we have to take them at least semi-seriously. Bryce Young is not a disgrace to the position anymore and the addition of Teterioa McMillan has bolstered his confidence. The defense is doing enough. They enter with the confidence that only house money and no expectations can bring, and to add some fun to the fire…they already beat the Rams once.

#5 – Rams
The Rams looked like the most complete team in football for most of the year. Stafford has the likely MVP case, Puka Nacua is probably the best WR in the NFL, and the defense has rebounded from the Donald years to become something new and terrifying. Sean McVay is still an outstanding coach. Then Puka went on a livestream hosted by Andrew Tate’s taintlicker Adin Ross and the vibes have been rancid since. He said stupid shit about the refs (even if correct, a no-no to the NFL), and he did a blatantly anti-semetic dance. Two days later the Seahawks pulled off the miracle comeback on Thursday night to take control of the west and the Rams have faltered. They lost a clunker to the Falcons and struggled for at least a half against the woeful Cardinals. They theoretically have the easy matchup against Carolina, but the Panthers already beat them in Carolina once, and the vibes are bad. 

#6 – 49ers
The 49ers suffered another year where it felt like half the team died tragic deaths. Despite this, they remained steady and held on, and this might be Shanahan’s finest year as a coach. Some of the more minor injuries to Purdy and Kittle are healed up and the team enters the playoffs in a much better place than they were mid-season. This is a team that is hot at the right time. In fact, in weeks 16-17 they looked unstoppable on offense. Then they got curbstomped by the Seattle defense in Santa Clara with the #1 seed on the line and all of a sudden we don’t know anything again.

#7 – Packers
The Packers feel deeply flawed and broken. They are sputtering into the playoffs after having lost multiple key players to injury and after a late-season struggle. But this team was competing for top seeding for much of the year and are a well run-organization, and they may have drawn the most favorable matchup they could have for the wildcard. Also, for the superstitious: Jordan Love is 27, the same age Rodgers and Favre were when they won their respective Packers championships. The year with Rodgers feels particularly applicable, as that 2010 Packers team entered the playoffs injured and broken and went on a miracle run anyway.

THE AFC
#1 – Broncos
The Broncos are one of those #1 seeds that doesn’t quite feel like they belong there. You look at the list of teams and go…oh, huh, I guess they really did win that much this year”. This team needed a monumental collapse to beat the idiotic Giants and didn’t slaughter the Raiders nearly as harshly as you would have expected in either matchup. Their big late-season showdown against Jacksonville resulted in testicular torsion. Bonix is holding his own, but would anyone claim to be scared of him? This team feels ripe for a divisional round upset.

#2 – Patriots
The Patriots shocked everyone during an expected “building” season by going on a rampage. They took advantage of the inattentive Bills farting around and Drake Maye has become the truth, taking the best possible second-year step under Mike Vrabel and Josh “I belong here and nowhere else” McDaniels. The question is what I’ve been harping on for most of the year: they haven’t played anyone good. That could mean nothing, it could mean everything. They are doing what good teams do: beating the fuck out of inferior opponents. But you simply can’t fully respect a boxer who’s entire resume is wins over glass joes. They need to prove it against someone real. The closest they’ve come is the Bills, who they split with. I think this team could really be as good as they look, but I just need that evidence. Also, and this is less fun, but this current team’s likeability went up in smoke when multiple players got accused of assault.

#3 – Jaguars
The Jags vibes were bad. Liam Coen looked like the second coach that Baker Mayfield got hired. The now-infamous duuVAAllllll instantly sent the fans into cringe hell. They functioned okay for a while, but after the collapse against the Texans, the Jaguars changed. We noticed it when Trevor Yakety-Saxed himself into falling down twice in what would ultimately end up the game-winning scramble against the Chiefs. The Jaguars have been unlocked. Trevor is playing the football he was drafted to play and has never been sexier. The fanbase has agreed to make Liam’s terrible DuuuVALLLL the official pronunciation if they pull it all off. The Jags beat the Broncos to piss but much of their second half-schedule makes me fear they may also be schedule merchant paper tigers.

#4 – Steelers
One last ride with the annoying smelly guy who won’t shut up in the backseat. Why did we invite him again? Because he knows the area? Was it worth it? I guess we are here, aren’t we? The Steelers are not an impressive football team nor are they very much fun. They are fine. They are the same Tomlin-led team as always. Sometimes the offense is good, and DK will be back for the playoffs, which makes the offense more interesting. The defense is solid and TJ Watt has recovered from his sudden health scare. I don’t think any of us have expectations for this team, but all any team has ever needed is some luck and things change.

#5 – Texans
The Texans are a weird team. Like the Eagles, this team would be shit without that defense. For the first 3rd of the season, it was hard to even notice the defense because of how putrid things felt. The offense found a bit of life after Stroud went out and Davis Mills captained them back to some semblance of life, and Stroud has been better since he came back, but this offense is still nobody’s nightmare. But that DEFENSE. The Texans are not a fancy defense. They do not do exotic blitzes or crazy disguised coverages. They just walk up to you and beat your ass till you ain’t got nothing left but bone dust where your pelvis should be. Fun fact: this is the first time the Texans have ever been a wildcard team, which has resulted in them playing football on a different day than the usual Saturday Afternoon NRG Invitational. A new world we are in, folks.

#6 – Bills
For a while it felt like the Bills might not even reach the playoffs, but that’s just typical Bills behavior. What is new is that they stumbled this far in the process. This Allen-McDermott era has always been a hot and cold, schizophrenic mess, but 2025 was even more so. But playoff Moose is tough to stop, and his biggest roadblock isn’t in the playoffs at all this year. If the good Bills can show up, they can easily take any of these teams down.

#7 – Chargers
Both 7 seeds feel like teams that had higher potential squandered by bad injury luck. The Chargers are Herbert playing Atlas on every offensive possession. The man is amazing but he can only do so much when defenders have a free line to his face. The defense is good though, and are holding up however they can so Herbert can Herbie.

 

From a personal standpoint, I’d be okay with pretty much every team winning except the Eagles and Patriots. If we end up with that Super Bowl I might just give up. My preference would be Bears overall, but I’d like to see all the have-nots get in there. A Jaguars/Panthers 90’s cat expansion bowl would be great. The Bills always have my heart as well, and I have come back around to enjoying Seahawks football again now that the annoying 12th man bandwagoners from the early 2010’s spent a decade suffering like a real fanbase.

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BETS FOR THE PLAYOFFS – EVERYONE GETS A PIC! Not only that, but I’ll probably sketch and possibly complete every other option and post them for the Patrons as I have been doing all year.

Sat – RAMS @ PANTHERS
The Rams should win this. This is the balance the division system gives, the worst division winner faces the best wildcard. Home field here certainly matters but the Panthers are under .500 and the Rams were one of the best teams this year. But the Rams already lost to this team in Carolina once. Could lighting strike such a tiny, tiny man twice? I would die laughing.

If the Panthers win, I will draw Tiny Bryce at the funeral for his haters
If the Rams win, I will draw Bryce Young sucked Into the Jared Verse

Sat – PACKERS @ BEARS
My gut instinct tells me the Bears lose a heartbreaker. Do I want that? No. But this season has felt like a setup for an ending exactly that harsh. This is a chance for the Bears to excise some major demons and defeat their greatest rival in single elimination. I can’t help but feel they just inherit another demon. If god truly loves this franchise, they win this. If god truly hates this franchise, this season was a setup to a real gut punchline.

If the Bears win, I will draw Caleb Williams as Da Pope, banishing the Devil packers to hell
If the Packers win, I will draw Jordan Love calling it The Willis Tower

Sun – BILLS @ JAGS
The schizo Bills vs the sexy Jags. I honestly have no idea what to expect and this is probably my most anticipated game of the week. I’m very worried the Jags are paper tigers and not ready for the moment, but if the idiot Bills show up it won’t matter.

If the Jags win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence as Football Jaguar (think Anime Cat Girl)
If the Bills win, I will draw Football Moose surfing Jaxson De Ville

Sun – 49ERS @ EAGLES
I think the Eagles draw a tough matchup but not the worst. The 49ers have no pass rush, which should give Jalen Hurts the time he needs to actually play ball, even if the run game is stymied as they have been. The real question is how well Brock does against the defense. If the week 18 Niners show up, it might be a rough night.

If the Eagles win, I will draw Nick Sirianni as the “fuck it ill do it again” Goofy meme
If the 49ers win, I will draw Kevin Patullo burning at the Street Lamp Stake, 49er and Eagle fans rejoicing

Sun – CHARGERS @ PATRIOTS
The Chargers defense is going to give us a better sense of how good this Patriots offense actually is, but I don’t think the Chargers team is healthy or complete enough to hang with this Pats team. I think this one is tenuously close for a while until the Patriots pull away.

If the Patriots win, I will draw a small toddler happy to see the first playoff win in his lifetime
If the Chargers win, I will draw Herbie the Win Bug 

Mon – TEXANS @ STEELERS
I think, or maybe I just hope, that the Texans defense outright ends Aaron Rodgers. We’ve all had enough of that guy. Put him down. End his miserable career so he can go be with his ChatGPT wife. But the reality is that even though I think Houston wins, this game is probably an ugly mess. Neither offense is going to be good.

If the Steelers win, I will draw aging rock star Aaron Rodgers playing Renegade on stage
If the Texans win, I will draw Will Anderson Jr escorting Grandpa Rodgers off like the “lets get you to bed Grandma” meme