Plenty has been discussed around newbie head coach for the Cleveland Browns, Freddie Kitchens. He’s had a meteoric rise, benefiting from Hue Jackson’s firing probably the most out of anyone. Once he got a chance to cut loose with Baker, suddenly the Browns looked legit for the first time since…honestly who knows. He looks like an auto mechanic and could potentially usher in a brand new era of offensive innovation. He could also be in way over his head and all this hype could be for nothing.

But we know all that. Sometimes a coaching staff is only as effective as the supporting cast. Coordinators get some love, but positional coaches need recognition too. Let’s take a peek at this assembled squad.

I’m pumped about Joey Bathrooms. The offense will still mostly be guided by Kitchens, but Bathrooms has been around a few teams these past few years and I think if Kitchens needs a right hand man while he handles the entire team, this is a solid hire. No complaints. His innovative flushing concepts where he sends every player clockwise never seems to fail, even when defenses see it coming and try to clog the lane. We need more minds like Bathrooms.

Jimmy Closets is…fine. After he got fired last year on his under-perfoming squad it caused a stir since the defense was not the problem with that team, but it can’t really be said that it was an asset. He’s conservative, hangs back from bursting out too often, and could generally use more aggressiveness. With Vernon and Garrett on the edges, this defense has to perform.

In case you thought the Browns were going to not go full Browns, they went and hired Teddy Bedrooms. What a joke. No team this guy has ever been on has ever been above 500 and his lines have always been shit. He’s like Tom Cable 2.0. Why he keeps getting work baffles me. Freddy had some history with him back early in his career and I can only assume he has some dirt. Baker needs protection and this is not the man to provide it, especially with Zeitler gone to NY in the Vernon trade.

Frankie Laundry is a mudder and it feels like he’s been around forever. I hope he never leaves. Dude is a legend. The defensive line should be great this season, and I’m pumped to see Laundry on the sidelines doing his usual “psychotic serial killer” screaming.

Danny Foyers is new, honestly I don’t follow special teams so it’s hard to gauge him. Nobody has even heard of him before this.

Benny Basements has been Freddie’s friend for ages so it makes sense that Freddie would scoop him up. I don’t expect him to add much value as I think Kitchens will still be doing most of the coaching for Baker.

Manny Mudrooms probably has the easiest job in sports right now. He could basically sit back and go “hey OBJ and Landry, just do ya thang” and then they would and boosh, Manny gets promoted. I expect him to have an undeserved offensive coordinator job soon. The only problem he could face might be the antics of OBJ, but most of that will fall on Kitchens if he acts up. Seriously Manny is going to have it made this season.

Patty Decks is an enigma but he’s been around for a while so he must be doing something right. He played tight end in college and 2 years pro, I’m still not sure why he is a coach for the RB position.

Scud, I mean what else can we say about Scud. I fuckin love Scud. If you don’t love Scud get the fuck off my site. I don’t want you around.

Sammy Pantrys might be the unsung hire of this crew. Dude was an absolute stud as a linebacker until injuries took him out and he’s been a rising star for the mere 2 years he’s been a coach. I can’t believe he wasn’t hired before this, the Browns got a steal. I expect great things.

Matty Attics. Fucking Neopotism, man. Some people just know the right authority figure and don’t deserve anything they get. Eat the rich.