Jared Goff Has A Secret
But seriously folks are we really sure Jared Goff isn’t actually just Ryan Gosling doing some method acting thing? Have we ever seen them together? Goff even came from Cal and plays in LA. Maybe he has NFL connections, like Omar Epps, currently still somehow coaching Pittsburgh.
I’ve mostly left the Rams and Jared Goff alone this year. I deal in memes and hilarity, and the Rams have largely been the antitheses of that most of this season. Bad teams are more interesting. But now, with the Rams falling in two games in ugly fashion, maybe now I can finally talk about the Rams!
I don’t trust the Rams. All of the NFC contenders have looked mortal recently but even before that, I didn’t trust the Rams. I never trust teams like this, because teams like this scream “Divisional round upset”. They are too perfect, and things always crumble at the wrong time. I think the NFCCG is Bears/Saints/not the rams and if that happens you can quote me on it. If it doesn’t happen…uh…I was never here *SMOKEBOMB*
The main reason I don’t trust teams like this is because of how efficient and pristine they seem to be. Sean McVay has absolutely proven himself a capable innovative mind but he’s a victim of THE ALMIGHTY SYSTEM. When THE SYSTEM is clicking, the team always looks unstoppable. This happens with a lot of offensive steamroller type teams. They go in well-prepared to execute the gameplan and then they just roll over people. But after most of the season has gone by, a few key injuries have occurred, and teams have gotten more film. That’s when someone figures out how to punch the juggernaut back, and the well oiled machine, which has thus far managed to get everyone to play their game, suddenly gets stuck playing someone else’s game. This is what happened to the Rams when they played the Saints and Bears, and then the Eagles. Those teams were talented enough to halt the mighty Rams and force them to find other ways to win. The Rams didn’t. They seemed completely lost when they couldn’t get their gameplan going like normal.
I love teams that find different ways to win. Teams like that are the teams you need to watch out for. The Saints used to just rely on Brees, but now they have Kamara and defense and they can win if one of those phases is having a tough day. The Eagles of last season, they lost their MVP candidate QB and figured out how to still make it work with Foles. The Bears have had an up-and-down year from Trubisky and they still win games. The 2007 New York Giants, a team with a killer D line and seemingly average everything else, found ways to win. To control games. To stay in games. Controlling the games is key. This might sound super old-fashioned EYE TEST gritty to a lot of you nerds, but I trust teams that face more adversity. I like teams that lose early and come together. I severely distrust teams that start fast and get anointed unstoppable. Yeah it’s all gut vibes that can’t be measured with a stat sheet, but I don’t care. I think the Rams are going to choke against a team that has more fire to them.
On top of that, how often do these stunning offensive monsters actually win it all?
The 2000 Rams lost to the defensively dominant Patriots.
The 2007 Patriots lost to the defensively dominant Giants.
The 2013 Broncos lost to the defensively dominant Seahawks.
The 2015 Panthers lost to the defensively dominant Broncos.
The 2016 Falcons lost to themselves.
On top of that, there is always one top-seeded bye team every year that chokes at home. Not literally every year, but no playoffs go by without one good surprise win. With the top of the NFC in question, I’m picking the team with experience (Saints) and the team with the mojo and the defense (Bears) to take it farther than the flashy Rams. I can even see the Seahawks, who have found an identity, sneaking past them. Fuck, even the Cowboys seem to have found something in themselves, and the Eagles are still in it. Lastly, the Rams have zero home field advantage, which plays a role these late games. I don’t trust them.
I actually trust the Chiefs more, simply because Mahomes has what Goff doesn’t: the ability to make shit work when shit ain’t working. The Chiefs defense will cost them a chance to win it all but I trust that offense so much more to fight through adversity.
EDIT: Apologies for no comic Friday, I spent the past days in holiday transit/stress mode
Defense wins championships because you can’t win a Superbowl if you can’t win ugly.
Jared Goff is the next Raiders qb
Doesnt this just re-tread the whole “Aaron Rodgers is actually Jake Gyllenhal” argument of a few years back?
Or the “Is Eli Manning actually Michael Phelps” , “Is Nick Foles actually Jon Heder”.
To be fair, Goff has hardly played like a superbowl capable QB all year, its just been masked by the fact that Todd Gurley has been THAT DAMNED GOOD!
The better comic would be “Who stole Todd Gurley’s legs”, because even with a few TD’s against the Eagles this week, he hasnt looked the same player since he came back from the bye week in week 13 after that insane 54-51 game against the Chiefs. He’s tiring, and hes carrying way too often. If the Rams look to have any hope in the playoffs, they need to rest him week 17 at least , and honestly , this week as well. They’ll have to play the Saints in the Dome to get to the Superbowl anyway, so take the hit now and give yourself the best chance possible.
BTW , Matt Stafford is clearly 2018 Haley Joel Osment.
No for real tho that eli manning michael phelps thing is scary…
About Todd Gurley’s legs, this reminds me of a scene from the anime “8 Man After”…except if his legs were replaced with crappy cybernetic parts.
Prince Harry was out this week, so it was up to Napoleon Dynamite to defeat Ryan Gosling’s Rams
I’ve always thought Wentz looked more like Andy Samberg than anything.
2011 Packers lost to the defensively dominant Giants.
I’d mention the 1999 Rams, but their defense was almost as good as their offense that year. The best example I can think of for a team with a light speed offense and bad defense winning was the 2009 Saints, and even they were second in turnovers and third in turnover rate.
The Saint’s D that year was the definition of a “bend but don’t break” defense.
Yeah… but the defense relied on the offense being up on teams, so Gregg Williams could blitz the shit out of teams. And despite what people think the Saints always have one of the slowest offenses in the league (in terms of drives per game), which means when they had those bad defense years the d was reeeaallly bad.
I thought his first name was Amon.
Gruden signed Peterman. All is good again.
That explains the Broncos! There’s no such thing as a Vance Joseph, it’s actually been character actor Bokeem Woodbine making shitty playcalls and looking like a deer in the headlights!
Everyone who has ever seen Remember The Titans knows that Ryan Gosling is a bad football player with a racist father and an affinity for Buck Owens.
Sean Payton looks like Malcom in the Middle grew up.
Also I miss Mike Smith on the falcons who could either be bulky Steve Martin or bulky younger John Maccain
This legit made me laugh
Dan Quinn looks like Will Forte pretending to be a football coach.
Dave, the next comic has to be related to Peterman , The Bills/Raiders, and Grudens attempts at tanking the team.
ditto
When I saw this news, my very first thought was that Peppermints was back baby! Just Throw Picks Baby!
The writing you put on shirts has become one of the major strengths of this comic.
It was the 2001 Rams that lost to the Patriots, not 2000. Which is why, as a Ram fan, I was hoping for Rams over Patriots this year to send off Brady, since our last Super Bowl was the one that started this whole Goat thing for him…
Since your team started this, you don’t get the pleasure of ending it. It doesn’t work that way in the NFL.
“The 2016 Falcons lost to themselves.”
Quite possibly my favorite TDP line ever. Thanks Dave, and Merry Christmas!
Yes, we can say for sure that Goff isn’t Gosling in disguise. It’s already been established that he’s Kliff Kingsbury in disguise. (Go ahead and Google it.)
He = Gosling.
I’m 5 years late, but-
Ryan Goffsling