This past week the Steelers announced very lame news. They are dropping Heinz as a sponsor name and announcing…Acrisure. A company nobody had ever really heard of. They appear to be insurance. Nobody was happy about this except for a small group of boardroom executives somewhere who made money.

Stadium naming rights are one of the lamer things the recent decades of capitalism has brought to sports. These are almost universally terrible names. Almost every good stadium name is a solid, unbranded official name (Soldier Field, Lambeau Field), or a good nickname (The Superdome). Heinz field was one of the few exceptions. Ford Field would be my other exception. Honestly, FedExField also has a particular flow to it that isn’t too bad, but it is tainted by association with resident piece of shit Dan Snyder.

A lot goes into a good name, but I think the main thing that made Heinz field (and Ford Field) good names is that both companies have an actual cultural identity within the city they are located in. Heinz is a Pittsburgh institution. Ford is basically the company that made Detroit. They have long, deep histories within their respective towns. Acrisure isn’t even a Pittsburgh company. It’s Michigan. Acrisure is a weird word, it sounds like the name of a health yogurt or smoothy drink.

I went to the list of stadiums on Wikipedia during this process and I realized I don’t even know half the actual names of stadiums anymore. The naming rights have switched over in multiple places thanks to expiring contracts and whatnot. I think we should have ourselves a thought exercise. Rename the stadiums. Pick a good local hero, actually local company, or just classic neutral name that suits the city and change it. For example, I live in Portland. The Trail Blazers play at the Moda Center. Except they don’t, it used to be called The Rose Garden, and anyone with good sense still calls it The Rose Garden. The Rose Garden is such a better name for it and fits the city (we are called The Rose City) far better.

Here’s the complete list of names. Look at this crap. We can do better.
Acrisure Stadium – Pittsburgh – Go back to Heinz field, or Three Rivers stadium. Maybe Bridge City Stadium. Pierogi Park.
Allegiant Stadium – Vegas – The Desert Dome. The Hockey Puck.
GEHA fiels at Arrowhead Stadium – Chiefs. Nobody calls it GEHA field. It’s Arrowhead. Arrowhead is a better fucking name.
AT&T Stadium – Dallas – Jerryworld. Just embrace the Jerry dome.
Bank of America Stadium – Carolina – BoA has a history in Charlotte but it’s such a clunky name.
Ceasars Superdome – New Orleans – just call it the fucking Superdome
Empower Field at Mile High – Denver – This, the Superdome, and Arrowhead are all stadiums where the company buying the rights was simultaneously smart enough to not exactly change the name from what people actually like, but also screw themselves over because aint nobody using the brand name part of the stadium name.
FedExField – Washington – rolls off the tongue pretty well, isn’t the worst offender of the brand names. But for something located in our capital, we can do better.
First Energy Stadium – Cleveland – Terrible. Don’t name stadiums after boring company names. Know another reason why Heinz and Ford work? They are people’s names. Nobody is named First Energy. If someone is I feel very bad for that person.
Ford Field – Detroit – The motor city could probably come up with a more neutral car name, but as stated, this one works.
Gillette Stadium – Patriots – The best a stadium can get? No. Although “Middle of the fucking woods stadium” doesn’t roll off the tongue. Pilgrim park?
Hard Rock Stadium – Miami – Just a bleh name, my Miami people, what’s a good fit here? Magic City Stadium?
Highmark Stadium – Buffalo – I didn’t even know they changed it from Ralph Wilson to this generic crap. Niagara Field? Lake Erie Park?
Lambeau Field – Packers – perfect, no notes
Levi’s Stadium – 49ers – Candlestick was one of the best stadium names in sports. We’ve lost it. What about like Prospector Park or Goldrush Field
Lincoln Financial Field – Philadelphia – Philly is such a historic city they have to do better than this. Franklin Field? Liberty Stadium?
Lucas Oil Stadium – Indianapolis – something speed or car related would be nice, or farmish. Or just call it The Barn
Lumen Field – Seattle – snooze. Seattle is all about the maritime stuff, give it name along those lines.
Mercedes Benz Stadium – Atlanta – just call it The Sphincter or Aperture Park.
Metlife – Giants/Jets – boring insurance name, boring stadium. The Meadowlands is a better name
M&T Bank Stadium – Baltimore – stop naming stadiums after banks and companies based around single letters. Old Bay Field? Francis Scott Key Field? Unitas Stadium?
Nissan Stadium – Titans – bleh. Music City Stadium? Sounds better to me.
NRG Stadium – Houston – The oil dome! The Refinery.
Paul Brown Stadium – Cincy – honestly, good. No notes. Good on Mike Brown for not selling out his family name for like, Wells Fargo Field
Raymond James Stadium – Tampa – it’s a name name, from a local company, so it could be worse. However, it’s still a fucking bank and it doesn’t flow very well
SoFi  Stadium – LA – another fucking bank. Someone needs to ban banks or anything finance from naming anything. All these banks have no goddamn personality.
Soldier Field – Chicago – honestly probably the best stadium name in the NFL
State Farm Stadium – Arizona – I didn’t even realize the University of Phoenix was a result of naming rights, I thought the Cardinals shared a stadium with a college. Silly me
TIAA Bank Field – Jacksonville – might be the worst of all the bank names, which is saying something. Might be the worst name of all NFL stadiums.
US Bank Stadium – Minneapolis – fucking christ please tell me the locals have a better nickname for this genuinely cool-looking place than this

Please, banks, I am begging you, go spend money on something else. Stop ruining our stadium names.