Day 4 of DEZ BRYANT PUN WEEK! , which I’m beginning to think should have just been Pez Bryant week. Probably could cut the other two brothers entirely. Pez is the fun one, because he’s the horrific monster. Also I don’t think Dez has fecal urgency anymore.

This is going to sound weird but sometimes I wonder about athletes going to the bathroom during games. I didn’t play organized sports in high school so I have no experience with this, but what happens when nature calls during games? We have a a few hilarious examples in the NFL (Nick Novak peeing under the bench remains a personal favorite) but for the most part this is a completely taboo subject (no one is going to talk about poop’n on a broadcast but still). For those of you who did play sports, how did you handle the moments when unspeakable forms of matter required ejection from your body? Did you just make sure to evacuate before the game, and maybe during halftime? Did you always eat certain ways to make sure you wouldn’t have to ass blast during the game? What happens if these techniques didn’t work and you found yourself in the unenviable position of having to pee or worse during a game? Did you walk funny back into the locker room? Did you hold it as best you can and hope to god you didn’t lose control during a play? Athletes drink an insane amount of water and gatorade during games, I know most of it just replenishes lost fluids but some of it has to cause bladder pressure, right?

It makes me wonder about all the times we see players “heading to the locker room to be looked at” and they say it was for “cramps” or something equally vague, and it’s all just an elaborate cover for a player who had to take a dump. Then the player comes back into the game and they seem fine, why did they even get looked at? Maybe they didn’t. Maybe they had to lose weight the natural way. They dropped a pass and faked getting hurt so they could drop a deuce too. Pinch a loaf. Maybe athletes hold it in and wait for their side of the ball to take a rest. A guy has to hold in a brown bunny all drive and then the drive ends and they take care of business during the time when the defense takes the field.

This is never talked about but I have questions and I want answers.