Dez Bryant Week 4: Fecal Urgency
Day 4 of DEZ BRYANT PUN WEEK! , which I’m beginning to think should have just been Pez Bryant week. Probably could cut the other two brothers entirely. Pez is the fun one, because he’s the horrific monster. Also I don’t think Dez has fecal urgency anymore.
This is going to sound weird but sometimes I wonder about athletes going to the bathroom during games. I didn’t play organized sports in high school so I have no experience with this, but what happens when nature calls during games? We have a a few hilarious examples in the NFL (Nick Novak peeing under the bench remains a personal favorite) but for the most part this is a completely taboo subject (no one is going to talk about poop’n on a broadcast but still). For those of you who did play sports, how did you handle the moments when unspeakable forms of matter required ejection from your body? Did you just make sure to evacuate before the game, and maybe during halftime? Did you always eat certain ways to make sure you wouldn’t have to ass blast during the game? What happens if these techniques didn’t work and you found yourself in the unenviable position of having to pee or worse during a game? Did you walk funny back into the locker room? Did you hold it as best you can and hope to god you didn’t lose control during a play? Athletes drink an insane amount of water and gatorade during games, I know most of it just replenishes lost fluids but some of it has to cause bladder pressure, right?
It makes me wonder about all the times we see players “heading to the locker room to be looked at” and they say it was for “cramps” or something equally vague, and it’s all just an elaborate cover for a player who had to take a dump. Then the player comes back into the game and they seem fine, why did they even get looked at? Maybe they didn’t. Maybe they had to lose weight the natural way. They dropped a pass and faked getting hurt so they could drop a deuce too. Pinch a loaf. Maybe athletes hold it in and wait for their side of the ball to take a rest. A guy has to hold in a brown bunny all drive and then the drive ends and they take care of business during the time when the defense takes the field.
This is never talked about but I have questions and I want answers.
Played baseball for a few years, I just didn’t eat before the game. I’d have breakfast, but it’d be a light one on game days. I’d skip lunch, and dinner would always wait until after the game. I always felt like I was faster and had quicker reflexes when I was hungry, so it was a win-win. I did drink a ridiculous amount of water, but on the rare occasions it became a problem, that’s something that you can just sneak off and take care of while the rest of the team is at-bat.
Always dookie before the game. They’re called Performance Enhancing Dumps for a reason.
Lol fez
I mean lol pez
Well, Mark Schlereth (Broncos O-Line in ’97/’98) said he’d just crap his pants if he had to go during a game. Others have talked about it. Some’ll run and go, others will just let it loose on the field.
I can’t remember were I heard it but I remember some player saying something along the lines of every time someone runs back for cramps thats the type of cramps their referring to.
Why isn’t Pez the prez
Also “take the Browns to the Super Bowl”. Get real Dave. One man can’t do that. Even though it’s a pun, it still isn’t legit
“Take the Browns to the Super Bowl” sounds like a euphemism for constipation.
Zing!
Fuxkckkcmmmkm I has the whole recap typed up, then I refreshed on my phone by accident.
WEEK 8 recaps: Game 1 from last week was something taboo as the J’ville Sharks blowing out the Portland Steel like Jalen Ramsey blew out his knee, winning 65-34 at home. Sharks FB Derrick Ross became the first player to run for 3,000 yards in a career (the average for a team in a game is 20-25 yards; Ross averages 40-50 yards per game). Also Sharks WR Joe Hills extends his TD catch streak to 65 games; Portland 0-7 Jacksonville 3-4. Game 2 had another great game with Orlando. Philly continued their dominance of the Preds as the Soul won 62-54. With the win, Philadelphia improves to 15-4 against Orlando. With the wins over the other 2 good teams in the league (Orlando (up by 28 entering the 4th quarter) and ‘Zona), Philly proves they are the best team as of right now. Game 3 in Zona. LA KISS=Rams; Rattlers=Pats. Rattlers won 47-34 while injuring L.A (3-4) Qb Nathan Stanley. In the win, Rattlers (6-2) WR Maurice Purify had his TD streak snapped at 39. Tampa played at home on Monday night while ESPN3 got the radio station wrong, so I ended up watching the Spanish broadcast (ESPN3 matches up the home team’s radio broadcast with any available tv broadcast, and the home team’s arena video board if there’s no tv broadcast). Tampa also scored 63 points, twice the amount of any point totals except for last week. Tampa Bay still lost because of the shit coaching by Lawrence Samuels and the great coaching by Cleveland’s Steve Thorn. First, the positives: Storm Qb Jason Boltus kicked ass with 8 TD passes and 1 rushing TD, despite the 1 int for a pick 6 and Julius Gregory, who hadn’t played since week 1, proved that he’s a solid option for Boltus. Negatives: Tampa lost after giving up two 4th and goals from 20+ yards and they lost to a dogshit qb Arena football performance from Cleveland qb Avril Nelson who’s stat line and on field play that was worse than Geno Smith’s shitting when ever he showed up. With the win, The Gladiators move up to 4-4 with A GODDAMM LINEBACKER being the only undefeated qb in the league at 3-0 because Tampa can’t do shit in the winning department. Also, Cleveland becomes only the second team in Arena league history win back to back OT games (first was ’03 Rattlers)
Shoulda had some paragraph breaks in this one.
Derrick Ross was a beast when he was in Philly.
Now he’s wallowing in J’ville (compared to philly)
“I gotta take the Browns to the Super Bowl!”
Goddamn that was clever.
As a chargers fan, nothing makes me more sad that watching Novack only being able to aim on a bench.
If I remember correctly, this is what Cam went to do during a Saints game in the last year or two.
He ended up going back to the locker room after taking what looked like a hit to the head, and everyone assumed he went back for concussion testing.
Turned out he just needed to go to the bathroom.
Athletes are those type of people. The roommate that you live with for a while, and all of a sudden it comes to you. ‘This guy doesn’t poop! Is he too good to poop?’ You don’t want to ask, but it kills you inside, each day you go to bed.
I played football and basketball in high school, I was always sure to make it so that I went beforehand. However if the occurrence dod arise, I waited until halftime and prayed I didn’t have to again after.
Some athletes take a mild laxative before bedtime, poop in the morning, and have a normal day.
Others wear an adult diaper and relieve themselves on the field and change at halftime or between long timeouts.
Didn’t Larry Izzo (former Patriot) get a game ball one year for pooping on the sidelines during a game without Belichick noticing?
“Taking the browns to the super bowl”
beautiful
An alive Pez dispenser in the shower. Hurry, 2016 NFL season. We’re going insane over here waiting for you to arrive.
This off season is breaking you Dave.
On to the week 9 previews; J’ville will travel south to Orlando in another sunshine state matchup. J’ville just wasted 4 good quarters vs. Portland, but they’ll still play well against Orlando because it’s Orlando. Also, the Sharks owner Jeff Bouchey has been saying on local radio that the teams performance has been shit and he’ll fire the only coach the team has known, Les Moss. Orlando by 5 like in week 2 as Les Moss gets the pink slip (Friday; 7:30pm, normal Univision Español/ ESPN3 English).
Game 2 is the last home game of the season for the surprising Gladiators as the only undefeated qb, Geno Smith the linebacker, will host the best team, the boring ass Philly Soul. Soul win game 3 of 4 in this series by 18ish again on CBS Sports Network at 7pm on Saturday.
Game 3 is part one of 2 for the race to 0-16 as 0-7 Portland plays their 9th straight road game, this time against a team they lost to like 2 weeks ago, the LA KISS. The KISS may have lost Nathan Stanley, but Steel qb Shane Austin, the 2014 Arena League MVP, just isn’t the same outside of the Factory of Sadness, and is on pace to throw 50 picks in only 11 starts if he finishes the year before getting pulled for Darron Thomas. LA by 10. (ESPN3; Saturday night 10pm)
The game 2 in the rce to 0-16 is 0-7 Tampa Bay vs. ‘Zona in Tampa. FUCK THIS GAME. I already know Tampa’s going to lose by 50 no matter what the godamm hell happens. The Rattlers could not even show up and they’d still win. I’m still going to watch the game because I like torture apparently (ESPN3; Sunday 2pm).
I currently play football, usually I eat light in the mornings and take a dump before games. I’ve never had to take a dump during a game due to this. Sometimes I have to piss really bad after drinking a lot of water, but then I just hold it in until after the game. At halftime, most players are exhausted and are more concerned about recovering and the gameplan than taking a piss.
That’s what you’re supposed to do….
I’ve often wondered how they deal with inopportune erections.
nerves would usually guarantee at least one dump before the start of the game, though eating pasta for lunch / dinner beforehand is always a plus (as opposed to, say, meat or spicy food).
during the game, if you’re getting a decent amount of playing time, your physiology usually cooperates and helps maintain your laser focus by more or less diverting blood to only what is absolutely essential (brain, muscles, etc). if you’re riding the bench for the most part, that can make things tricky, but then again nobody is really watching you anyway
so yeah, the long and short is that it’s usually not a problem, and if it is, it’s usually your own damn fault
A patriots player took a shit on the field and no one seemed to notice. He won the game ball for pulling that off.
I love that Browns joke. GO RAVENS!!!