CHAOS REPORT WEEK 12: Call the NFCE the Post Office, because it delivers
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
– Another delicious week of chaos. We are on a good run folks, even if this week was a bit less silly than previous weeks.
The week started off with the Texans announcing that they are not going silently into the mediocre night. The defense stuffed the Bills despite some miracle work at the end. If the Texans can figure out how to be a mediocre offense, this team could be a fun defensive chaos machine.
The early Sunday slate had potential but was mostly a chaos tease. The Giants did their usual nonsense, but at this point, reaching a 90% win probability only to lose in spectacular fashion isn’t chaos but the standard. The Bengals briefly scared the Patriots, and they hung in there, but the Pats did their thing. JJ McCarthy took all the criticism we threw at him and proved us right once more in a game the Packers didn’t even look very good in. The Seahawks blew up the Titans and JSN is having a season for the ages. The Bears…continue to win. I feel like I can’t trust them (especially on defense), but it appears Ben Johnson does indeed have the mojo. Also the Ravens struggled against the Jets but the Jets are still very bad.
Let’s just get Shedeur out of the way. He was…unremarkable! I made a joke during the week that the best thing Shedeur could do for the world was to play unremarkable, vanilla, average football. Give us very little to have hot takes about. The hot takes would still occur, but the closer to the center of the bell curve he landed the better. He basically accomplished that. 11/20, 209 yds, 1TD, 1INT, 1 Sack…he did it. He had a couple bad moments and a couple good ones. He existed. And he won. Good for him. If he can do that against a team that isn’t the Raiders we got something to talk about.
Jaguars/Cardinals was delightfully stupid. Both teams doing their best to lose makes for fun football. Eventually the Cardinals gave up harder. But we also had Colts/Chiefs. The Chiefs managed a comeback to win their first 1-score game of the year, and the Colts suddenly have a plethora of major question marks. What felt like a reasonable schedule now looks scary, with the 49ers as the weakest opponent.
Rams/Bucs occurred. It will be recorded in the history books as a football game. Panthers/49ers was a silly bum fight. Purdy threw 3 picks and the Panthers still lost by 11.
GIANTS CORNER
–I’m going to do something very unusual for me. I’m going to be positive. Kinda.
The Giants are competitive. This is in spite of Skattebo, Nabers, and recently plenty of others all missing. Even Jameis has been relatively good and not complete gonzo. The defense is getting the job done…for 3 quarters. The thing about dropping so many double-digit leads is that it requires you to have a double-digit lead. I’ve been watching this team be a complete waste of space for the better part of the past 15 years. Like, non-competitive, gets blown out, not even worth watching waste of space. This team has been worth watching. There is something here.
Obviously, it’s not enough, and there is something rotten that they can’t get a single meaningful 4th-quarter stop outside the Chargers game. Morons still run the team. I’m okay with Kafka so far but my expectations are low. Bowen should be dropped in an acid vat (EDIT: FIRED! BYE BITCH!), Schoen doesn’t deserve to keep his job, and the Maras could fall down the stairs, and the team would improve. But I can’t help feeling like this team is not that far from actually playing meaningful football in Nov-Dec if they can just not fuck up a few key decisions. Tall order, but it feels closer than it has for a while. The fact that they’ve been doing this against tougher competition than the 2022 fraud year has me feeling hopeful for next year.
This year is over, of course. It has been for weeks. I’m actually surprised at how angry Giants fans were after that game, because at this point the 4th quarter collapse is a feature and not a bug. There is a lot of controversy over the Giants having 1st and goal from the 3 and getting stuffed after failing on 4th down. I have my issues with the playcalling (we should have run it 4 times to eat the clock) but the decision to go for it on 4th is fine by me. If they kicked the field goal I am 100% convinced they would have just lost on a walk-off TD by the Lions to lose by 1 anyway because that’s how this team works.
If the team can stay this competitive for the rest of the season, I’ll feel better. They don’t have to win. Winning doesn’t mean much anymore. Staying in games, taking things to the wire, that’s enough for me at this stage. Then I just have to hope they don’t do something incredibly stupid at the end. It’s all longshot but I chose to be chill.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–My personal enjoyment of football games tends to operate on this spectrum:
1. Good football
2. Very stupid football
3. Average football
4. Bad football
5. Boring football
For chaos of the week, I’m usually looking for the game that tends to best exemplify #2. That game was easily Eagles/Cowboys. This game started out looking like we got peak Clownboys. The Boys got dinged for roughing the punter, they fumbled, and the Eagles soared to 21-0 before the second quarter was even half over. To make things even funnier, they would then allow a long Cowboys drive only to pick Dak off in the endzone.
But they wouldn’t score again. The Eagles Modus Operandi this season has been to win games in a way that makes everyone unhappy, namely their own fans. Eagles fans are not having a fun season despite the success. The flaws finally came home to roost once more here.
The Boys managed to get on the board with a TD right before half. But the bad vibes for Dallas weren’t over as Golden Boy Aubrey shanked a routine field goal. It looked like we were headed for another game where the Eagles spend a full half being absolute garbage but just barely win anyway, making everyone mad again.
The Eagles would shank their own field goal attempt after another score by Dallas, and suddenly after more George Pickens heroics and a Dak scramble, the game was tied. Barkley fumbles on the next drive. The Eagles stop Dallas from doing anything with it, but on the subsequent punt return, the Eagles fumble again. Dallas, hilariously, gets stuffed on 4th down at the 1, meaning we still have tie game with 4 minutes left and the Eagles escaped two disasters. They got the ball with 3 minutes left and a chance. Hurts instead takes a huge sack. With less than 2 minutes, the Cowboys manage a few big plays to set up Aubrey for a chip shot win.
Stupid, stupid football. It’s so entertaining.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
– I thought the Bills were destined to win after the 4th and 27 conversion
-Did you know Raiders (former) OC Chip Kelly was the highest paid OC in football? You do now!
-Drake Maye scared us all with a terrible pick-6 in the first quarter. Then he went back to being himself.
THE VIBE CHECK
–Vibes really aren’t changing very much these days. Bad teams aren’t likely to get a huge boost from a win anymore, and a loss has to be devastating to ruin a team. That said, the Bills took a pretty big hit, and the Raiders vibes might be at an all-time low. The Vikings vibes are deeply rotten too.
– The Browns at least get a morale boost with the Shedeur win.
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–Jameis scoring a TD! Not how you would expect him to!
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-Brock Purdy threw a pick, only for Bryce Young to throw a pick in the endzone, only for Purdy to throw a pick in the endzone
CHAOS WATCH
–The Browns are irrelevant as a competitor, but Myles Garrett has a legitimate chance to break the sack record this year. I want to see it.
–Shedeur has been named the starter. We now get to see what he looks like against actual competition instead of the fucking Raiders.
-I love the Bears. I have always loved the Bears. After the NFCN sent 3 strong teams to the playoffs last year, having this year be won by the one team that didn’t go would be magical.
FRAUD WATCH
–COLTS, I GOT MY EYE ON YOU. Indiana Jones might be reaching his Crystal Skull era. Pray he doesn’t reach his Dial of Destiny.
-I kind of explained this already in Giants corner, but I do believe, in spite of everything, that the Giants are better than their record. Despite the injuries and turmoil, this team has been competitive and had genuine leads, they just can’t close out. A couple of smarter decisions and the Giants could easily have 3 more wins. They aren’t good, but they aren’t this bad.
The Dolphins have the Saints and Jets in back to back weeks. They might win 4 in a row.
SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-The Bucs just cannot overcome their injuries. The Rams definitely weren’t going to let them try.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–Look, I didn’t expect the Bucs to win. The injuries are piling up and the Rams are one of the best teams in the league. But if you want to be taken seriously, you have to at least put up a fight.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The Saints played a football game this weekend, but you’d be forgiven for not watching it
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – THANKSGIVING WEEK
Turkey Day – PACKERS @ LIONS
The Lions have not looked like themselves for a bit. Not sure what’s going on, but something’s off. The mojo is whack. This is a tough call, and the Lions botched this matchup on Turkey Day not long ago, so I’m going to hate myself and pick Green Bay
If the Lions win, I will draw Dan Campbell violently destroying a turkey with his teeth
Turkey Day – CHIEFS @ COWBOYS
Cowboys, if you cockblock the Chiefs from the playoffs by surprising us here, I might actually forgive you for winning.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Patrick Mahomes trapped in cranberry sauce
Turkey Day – BENGALS @ RAVENS
Rumors are that Burrow is playing. Absolute malpractice by the Bengals. Zac Taylor shouldn’t fear for his job at all, Mike Brown doesn’t fire anybody before the heat death of the universe because he’s so cheap.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joe Burrow Passin Those Potatoes
Black Friday – BEARS @ EAGLES
I…really want to pick Chicago. But I just don’t trust them.
If the Bears win, I will draw Caleb deep frying an Eagle
49ERS @ BROWNS
Everyone wants to know if Shedeur Sanders is good. The question, however, remains: Is Brock Purdy good?
If the Browns win, I will draw Shedeur drink a big glass of Apple Cider Hater Tears
JAGS @ TITS
The Jaguars are 7-4 and with the Colts suddenly looking like they are in trouble, the Jaguars have a chance to actually swoop in and steal this division. Don’t shit the bed, Jags.
If the Titans win, I will draw Cam Ward baking Trevor into a delicious apple pie
SAINTS @ DOLPHINS
Dolphins could win 4 in a row with this and the Jets next week. Amazing stuff.
If the Saints win, I will draw Tyler Shoughing that corn
TEXANS @ COLTS
The Colts are stumbling as of late. The Texans are rising. If the Texans can pull off this upset, the AFCS gets EXTREMELY interesting.
If the Texans win, I will draw Demeco Ryans popping the Colts Macy’s Day Parade balloon
FALCONS @ JETS
One of those “somebody ruins their draft position by 3 spots” kinda games
If the Jets win, I will draw Tyrod Taylor pardoning Dumpy Cousins
CARDINALS @ BUCS
I wish Jacoby Brissett was on a better team, he’s so much fun.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Brissett Bravely Baking Baker Biscuits
RAMS @ PANTHERS
Bryce Young still has room to grow. Metaphorically, to be clear.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young having a delightful game of catch in the backyard with Bryce Old
VIKINGS @ SEAHAWKS
Sam Darnold is probably going to have a field day outdueling JJ and making the Vikings pay for releasing him. SCRATCH THAT, It’s Max Bros time
If the Vikings win, I will draw JJ McCarthy, sitting angrily at the kiddie table
BILLS @ STEELERS
Both of these underachieving idiots has to do something, but I think it’ll be the Bills.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Mike Tomlin winning the wishbone break
RAIDERS @ CHARGERS
The Raiders might be the worst team in the NFL right now.
If the Raiders win, it’s a thanksgiving miracle!
SNF – BRONCOS @ COMMIES
BONCOS GONNA BONC
If the Commies win, I will draw Marcus Mariota’s delectable pumpkin pie
MNF – GIANTS @ PATRIOTS
What I wouldn’t give for the ghost of Eli to show up and ruin the Patriots day one last time
If the Giants win, I will draw the ghost of Eli giving a thumbs up
A TIE
If we get a tie, I will draw players on both teams with nothing to be thankful for
Falcon’s have had a rough year but find ourselves in a fun position for a bad team. No first round pick this next draft. Seems bad on the surface but that first round pick turned into a rookie pass rusher having a solid year (his sack total already would have led the teams edge rushers like 4 of the last 5 years) and a starting rookie safety.
We get to play spoiler the rest of the way with no downsides for the tanking crowd. We also have a shot at the division technically but the Bucs despite the injuries have a decent schedule the rest of the way so they probably will limp in for the division either way.
Jameis’ TD catch was easily the biggest WTF moment of the season for me because, genuinely how did he do that? If you didn’t know who he was and only saw the number, you would have thought that was a TE who decided not to wear gloves for some reason.
This is basically the end of the road for the Brandon Beane Era. It’s been 9 years and the roster is as bad as it’s been since Josh’s rookie year. We have one of the worst groups of receivers in football and our defensive line is so battered by injuries that we’re turning to Shaq Lawson again. We have no cap space either.
Beane was building the team the right way until 13 Seconds happened, then his brain broke and he went nuts building a team specifically designed to beat Kansas City. The Von deal actually wasn’t bad until he blew out his ACL and we were left with our pants around our ankles. He’s obsessed with signing the same guys over and over like Jordan Phillips because they’re cheap and known commodities. Really, he hasn’t adapted the Bills to 2025 football.
His drafting has also been pretty poor recently (the 2024 draft is looking absolutely pathetic outside Cole Bishop) and he flat-out cannot scout pass catchers. Keon Coleman is a tire fire. Kincaid is an absolute monster, but he can’t stay healthy.
Oh, and Joe Brady is a horrible offensive coordinator, worse than Dorsey was. Go check out Cover1’s Twitter thread on Brady’s atrocious scheming from the Houston game. He refused to adjust anything and got Josh dinged up and Spencer Brown out with a nasty arm injury.
For the Vikings pick, I’ll bring my finest bowl of rice for just such an occasion
I was fine with the resurgent Colts before but after that Chiefs game I really want to see them collapse. If they go 1-2 in their remaining divisional games they could very easily drop to a wild card.
Find myself in odd territory rooting FOR the Cowboys on Thanksgiving.
I hope the Texans sneak into the playoffs. Their record should be better and they can beat any team in the NFL so it would be fun
A few rando thoughts:
1) When the refs later confirmed DURING THE GAME that they made the wrong call (even Buck/Aikman agreed that looking at it 30+ times they didn’t see it) but that ‘roughing the kicker’ shouldn’t have been a massively impactful penalty but oh well
2) My gut tells me not to believe in the Bears either, but my heart tells me that to hope a tiny bit that they actually can be good for a change (I hate bad teams always being bad)
3) See prior thing, I’m hopeful that the Browns can be less ass next year too. Are they done paying for the mistakes they Ma(yfield)de? Or are they still going to have to Wat(ch)son the universe karma screw them over?
4) As a Cowboys fan, I turned off the game when the 3rd TD was scored in the 1st Quarter to watch more Mrs. Davis (Peacock show) with my girlfriend … but my masochistic side kept checking the score and that hopium was pumped into the room … until I realized I hadn’t been paying sacrificial love to my Raccoon plushie of Meeko that I got when I saw the Cowboys vs Commanders game in person a few weeks back. I started that and … all the karma swung towards the ‘boys and made my heart happy. 🙂
4a) I also would like to note: this confirms my trend of ‘If I do *not* bet on the Cowboys game, they will win’ since I’m now 6-0 on that train.
5) I don’t care what anyone says at this point, it’s a travesty that Schotty isn’t up for Coach of the Year or whatever, given all the shit Jerry has put on him. (And that’s not touching how he has led the team through the tragedy of Marshawn Kneeland).
5a) Stay another day, friends. No matter the demons you fight, someone will miss you, someone will be heartbroken, someone will be devastated if you don’t. Keep breathing, keep taking steps, keep your eyes on the horizon, every sunset is a precursor to another sunrise, and let me tell you, that next sunrise is going to be amazing.
6) I don’t care what anyone says, I liked Dial of Destiny. It wasn’t flawless but it was fun and that’s all I cared about. And I hope Indiana Jones keeps things interesting for the rest of the season.
7) Obviously I hope the Cowboys beat the Chiefs. However, I also hope in your drawing of Mahomes, you have him complain that the cranberry sauce should be ketchup. /shrug
8) I’m thankful for you, for all your drawings, insight and analysis, and your long-winded rants about [WHATEVER] because it’s how I survive the work week 🙂 Thanks, Dave!
Oogh… Bills-Steelers… we’re at that stage of the season where I want both teams to lose…
I thought for sure that defensive end diving out of bounds before the play would have been a cackle. It got me cackling.
Odds that Bowen is involved in gambling?