Mark Sanchez Buttfumbles His Life
Mark Sanchez being stabbed in self-defense while attacking a 69-year-old man was not on my bingo card.
Like most of you I got the news alert that Mark Sanchez was in the hospital after being stabbed on Saturday morning in Indianapolis. I made a crass joke about it at the time I saw the news because I’m a jerk, and debated taking it down. But someone alerted me that there were rumors on reddit that Sanchez may have been the aggressor in the situation. Well, just long enough after all of his sports media brethren tweeted out their well wishes and prayers, those rumors indeed came true. Sanchez was going to be arrested the instant he was stable enough to leave the hospital. What the fuck happened?
Early reports had Mark being mad about a DoorDash driver double-parking and other weird explanations. Eventually we got some more confirmed truths. The other individual in the altercation was a 69-year-old man who was working that night collecting used cooking oil for a grease recycling business. Sanchez attacked the man, the man pepper sprayed Sanchez. Sanchez was undeterred and the old man, fearing for his life, whipped out a knife and stabbed Sanchez in self-defense.
The pictures of the victim are online if you want to see it. I wouldn’t recommend it. It won’t make you happy. It will make you hate Mark Sanchez. The victim looks awful.
Sanchez has been charged with multiple misdemeanors and now a felony. As of writing that seems to be all we know. We have a lot of unanswered questions. Why on earth did Mark Sanchez start to fight this man? We can probably assume substances were involved. Alcohol for sure, and quite possibly some harder stuff. If he was intoxicated we may never get a clear idea of why he did it. I also would love to know why this old guy had pepper spray and a knife on his person if he was just a regular old employee doing his rounds. Maybe the knife was a utility knife he needed for the job. I’m thankful he did have the items though, because without them Sanchez may have killed the guy. The pictures are awful. Im going to be very curious what more details come out.
What is without question is how badly Sanchez just fucked up.
Sanchez was a pretty good color analyst. He was funny, he was insightful. He had a good thing going and I could see him rising up the ranks and being a great B-team color guy for years. I doubt he ever calls a national game again. Provided he escapes prison time (he’s rich, I don’t see him going even if he deserves it), he should be sequestered into rehab or something and forced to fix his life. Also pay a ridiculous amount of damages to the victim. So long, Mark. You had a chance and you ran into another butt. This time your own.
Mark Sanchez getting stabbed was one of the more h expected wtf moments this year
It’s probably just because he was so drunk but it’s hard not to look askance at the fact that he apparently has a tolerance for pepper spray.
I wonder if they’ll show the butt fumble at Thanksgiving this year.
If the Simpsons taught me anything, is that there’s always rival cooking oil collectors out there. You can never be too sure that there’s a drunken former QB looking to capitalize on that sweet sweet grease.
Carrying pepper spray abs a knife when your job entails being in downtown alleyways at night seems prudent to me.
And restaurants get unhappy when used cooking grease is stolen from them, so rogue grease collectors could be dangerous. https://www.mashed.com/1169086/heres-why-thieves-are-actually-stealing-used-cooking-oil/
If that man didn’t have a knife, he would’ve for sure died. I think the most scary thing is the amount of damage Sanchez did without a weapon of his own. I know even former NFL QBs are strong, but I think it’s clear that Sanchez could’ve easily killed this man and a lot of other people if he wanted to.
To quote reddit:
“Look, I’m not going to defend his behavior, but if, on Thanksgiving Day in 2012, Vince Wilfork had picked up a 300 lb right guard like a turkey leg and savagely beat you about the head and neck with that lineman’s ass, you too might believe you’re meter-maid Batman”
Hahahahaha, i’m dying!
I feel like Sanchez was on something more than just the booze to act in the manner he did. Hope they throw the book at the guy
As for why the old guy carrying pepper spray and a knife… This was in Indianapolis.
I will never forgive Collinsworth for misinterpreting the buttfumble. Wilfork didn’t “forklift” Brandon Moore into Sanchez. Moore was holding his own on Wilfork. Sanchez ran into his ass, which made Moore lose his footing.
I’m not sure that this is the sort of situation where having a bunch of money will bail him out. High priced defense lawyers aren’t magic, they need something to work with and this isn’t the sort of complex case that gives them a lot to work with. This is a bread and butter prosecution regarding a single, fairly straightforward incident.
If it were a complex rich person crime like tax fraud I’d bet on the guy, but this is a poor person crime, with the law written to go after poor people, and since he’s already been charged he’s lost the best way to deploy money to fight the case (by paying the victim oodles of money to shut up and not press charges).
I hate how the internet has made everyone rush to judgement on everything. Social media rewards everyone for having an opinion on everything and being as inflammatory or pious as possible. I wish we could go back to waiting for the paper in the morning then the next day to get a fuller picture. Anyway this is a funny comic and, assuming Mark was the aggressor, I hope they throw the book at him. Good comic, I’ll go back to yelling at clouds now.
I remember the Detroit news cycle for the first couple of years after the 2009 draft, that we should’ve taken Sanchez instead of Stafford. That take aged phenomenally well, let me tell you.
Do you think Sanchez will have buttsecks from “Big Terry” in a cell soon enough?
ha ha! prison rape is so funny!
you troglodyte.
Suck it butt boi.
The Onion headline from 2012, “Dickhead In Sanchez Jersey Turns Out To Be Mark Sanchez”