Some guy who looks very little like Troy Polamalu managed to sneak his way into Steelers practice last week wearing Troy Polamalu’s jersey. He demanded to cover Antonio Brown. He did not get his chance. The thing I most gathered from the footage and the photos is just how much the security guy clearly didn’t want to deal with this shit right now. I mean, look at that face. That’s the face of a man who wished this had happened to literally anybody else. We’ve all had that day at work. This is the face of a guy who just dealt with a customer who asked to see the manager.

Props to faker dude though, if nothing else the guy is in fantastic shape and could totally pass for a real NFL player. Not the NFL player who’s jersey he was wearing, but maybe RG3. If you are going to sneak into a practice facility don’t wear the same jersey number as one of the most iconic looking players in history. Seriously, when people think Troy Polamalu, they think of his ridiculous hair. You didn’t even have to know what his face looked like, his hair was that identifiable.

I wish the dude had gotten a chance to actually cover AB though. I know it would never have happened, but a man can dream. In an alternate reality somewhere the dude actually got his chance, covered AB successfully, and got a job on the team. Then became a HoF conerback. Then lost all his money in a ponzi scheme and now works as an assistant manager at his local Subaru dealership. You wouldn’t believe the APR financing. His go to sale-closer move is saying “Let me sign you up, you got nothing to lose”. Then one day Antonio Brown walks in with his niece. Antonio was severely embarrassed that day long ago and his career never recovered. He recognizes fake dude. Fake dude doesn’t recognize him. Brown asks to take the new Forester for a test drive. He drives to the nearby dockyard, kicks faker out the door into the water, and drives off. A police chase ensues but AB’s still got it and manages to shake the cops. At least, until he posts a snapchat of him bragging about it behind a local McDonalds. Antonio is arrested, they find cocaine in his glovebox, and a judge who doesn’t want to appear soft on celebrities throws the book at him.

In jail Antonio Brown loses his passion for life and falls in with a gang, just another victim of our prison system. By the time he gets out 6 years later, He’s Antonio no more. Now he’s only known as Shanks. Shanks doesn’t fit into modern society. When he went in, it was the iPhone 15. Now it’s the Microsoft Apple Galaxy note 50. He doesn’t recognize this world and turns back to crime. He violates parole and goes on the lam in Arkansas. He lives out his days making moonshine in the Ozarks. When he finally passes of liver cancer at age 66 in his wooded cabin, he’s found a mediocum of peace, and he goes quietly in his sleep. Maybe not a life well lived, but a life lived well enough. Rest in peace, Antonio “Shanks” Brown.

The best part is if you subscribe to the theory of infinite realities, this 100% happened. There is also a reality where he dresses as a rabbit and becomes a children’s TV show character named Mr. Bun Bun.