It’s a good time to be a Dallas sports fan overall. The Rangers won it all last year. The Mavericks are up 3-0 on the Timberwolves as of writing in the Western Conference final. The Dallas Stars are also in the conference finals with the Oilers, tied 1-1 as of writing. The Stars also made the conference finals last year, and even made it to the Stanley Cup 4 years ago. Hell, the Arlington Renegades of the XFL and now the UFL are last year’s champions. Hell, even the Dallas Wings (WNBA) made the second round last year.

Of course all of those teams are the little brother of the big boy in town. The Dallas Cowboys. The hilarious failson that is the Dallas Cowboys. Dallas has not even made a conference title game in 28 years while the other big 3 have all made it literally within the last year. You know what Dallas reminds me of? The golden child of the family that ends up a deadbeat while all the neglected children who spent their entire childhoods playing second fiddle to the favorite go on to have fulfilling, successful lives. The Cowboys still live at home with mom and dad at age 42, have not held down a stable job their entire life, and can’t stop talking about how they were high school valedictorian and state conference all-star. The other 3 teams have mostly gone low-contact with the family and are merely polite at family gatherings. Maybe dad knows they failed the Cowboys, but Mom keeps spoiling them and asking why the other 3 never stop by or help Cowboys out.

The Cowboys had a killer girlfriend back in high school, the hottest cheerleader in class. But then college came around and they sought out nicer pastures, eventually marrying a super successful guy from New England. Cowboys grew complacent in the relationship and never tried to help or improve anything. They just became a toxic angry shut in who could barely take care of himself. Nobody wants to be a mom to their boyfriend. The girl is much happier now. Cowboys has not managed to keep a relationship longer than 6 months since she left and calls all women whores in online incel spaces. Mom fuels this delusion because her special little boy can’t be wrong, even though nobody actually likes Cowboys anymore. He hasn’t made friends past high school, and most have moved on.

The Dallas Cowboys do not deserve their reputation. They have spent so long as a hilarious failure despite consistently finding quality talent. I’d say there is something rotten in the water there but, uh, the Stars, Rangers, and Mavericks certainly seem fine! The rot comes from within. Some children are just born soiled. The family is ignoring the large case of stage 4 Jerry Joneser growing within the Cowboys.

Personally, this is all very neat and cool. Can’t wait to see how they step on a rake this year.