My favorite people are the people who argue the NFL is fake, or rigged, or pre-determined in some way like wrestling or something. They are the best people. By best people I mean the stupidest. Like most conspiracy theories they instantly fall apart with any sort of logic. The NFL is not determined by writers or string pullers determining outcomes. It would have been exposed by now, by a disgruntled ex-player looking for attention or by simple investigative journalism. All of these years, all of these people, and no one cracked? Sure.

I understand why it happens. Fans who watch a heartbreaking loss when they were so close can’t bear to admit shit got fucked and so they have to put the blame elseware. That’s why all the best conspiracies come from playoff losers. DID YOU KNOW THE SAINTS/RAMS GAME HAD 4 REFS FROM LA ON THE STAFF? PROOF!

For argument’s sake lets have some fun and give these sore losers the benefit of the doubt and say the NFL is rigged. Well, if the NFL is rigged, the people doing the rigging are complete goddamn idiots.

Why would you give the Patriots so much success? It’s become pretty clear that by now the average fan is sick of seeing them. The last interesting storyline the Patriots had was deflategate revenge. They came, they got the greatest comeback in SB history, and that arc was concluded. Why then write them into the next two super bowls? Especially one where they win again, against a team the NFL should be very interested in pushing as the “Future”? That’s bad writing. If the NFL was written or rigged, the Patriots dynasty would have ended by now. Probably via a crazy event instead of the slow decline into mediocrity that is far more likely to happen. The Pats have served as a good villain for a while, but you can’t keep the same guy in the field that long. They need to be shaken up to keep things interesting.

Why would the NFL, on top of all that, write such a boring ending to the season? The average fan doesn’t care for defensive struggles and the Rams/Chiefs spectacle earlier this season was beloved. The only people who could possibly enjoy that Super Bowl are “I’m better than you” dorks who want to prove how they are true fans by claiming they love defensive slogs more than shootouts. That game was the complete opposite of a shootout in the worst way, because it featured the same problem: one side of the game was completely irrelevant. Shootouts have no defense. That game had no offense. At least shootouts have points, and field movement to make up for the lack of defense. A game where neither team can get more than 1 first down per drive isn’t a defensive battle, it’s a complete stifling of anything interesting and after a certain point the tension of who breaks first becomes tedium. The best defensive battles still feature some offense in them, because something has to counterbalance the defense. The absolute best games feature a balance. A lot of the best games I’ve seen have teams scoring in the 14-30 range.

So why write a game where the teams don’t even get into the redzone until late in the 4th? That’s a great way to get everyone bored, and no entertainment medium should solely cater to the deep niche weirdo fanboys who might get something out of it. Not if they want to make money. The NFL likes money. This game did not do well for them.

But maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe these writers are playing the long game and are just bad. After all, the WWE seems pretty adept at consistently messing up their own storylines. Maybe the Browns and the Bills and the Jets and the *insert snakebit team here* are essentially just jobbers. Maybe the Patriots are John Cena. Maybe we live in hell.

What storylines do you hope to see play out next year?

(Edit) I want to be clear if you enjoyed that Super Bowl good on you, at least you got something out of it. But I’m sick of being told that I’m not a “real fan” because I don’t enjoy ugly defensive slugfests presented as the pinnacle of the sport. Liking points doesn’t make people not football fans.