This is a real endorsement.

Congrats to the folks at Manscaped, people who sell beard trimmers for your balls. You got Jed York’s balls look’n spiffy. I…don’t get it. Now part of this is because I am a complete slob with no fashion sense but this really just looks like a beard trimmer to me. I have a beard trimmer. It has multiple heads and multiple settings. I’ve used it on places other than my face. It was effective. Why do I need to buy a separate trimmer that looks exactly the same but is called THE LAWN MOWER 3.0? I don’t. Downstairs doesn’t need an expensive trim machine, it just needs you to not be a fumble fingers when operating a standard trimmer. I’m also pretty sick of hygiene products deciding the only way to market to men is to pretend their soap/wash/fragrance is MANLY. It’s fucking soap. It’s a hair trimmer. If you are an adult who will only buy a hygiene product if it reaffirms your masculinity you’ve got hangups.

Of course, if Manscaped wants to sponsor me too and send me some products to prove I’m wrong, by all means Manscaped…send me your ball trimmer and I will sell the fuck out for it. Everyone’s gotta hustle. I’ll make a full week of pube trimming jokes, just for you. We can call it The Draw Pube Week. Call me!

In a painfully forced segway since talking about pube trimmers isn’t exactly a wealth of content I do enjoy how products designed for your genitals have to really beat around the bush (heh) in their marketing because you can’t explicitly say “balls” or “vagina” or whatever else in an ad that kids might see. It results in all the marketing copy being hilariously vague to a comical degree. MANSCAPED! The perfect trimmer for…down there. You know. Below. A sensitive zone. The Delicate Region. It’s your fuckin balls. I’ll have more respect for the first product that just comes out and says THIS SHIT IS FOR YOUR GODDAMN DICK ZONE. IT WONT CUT YOUR DICK. YOU WONT NICK ONE OF THE FOLDS ON YOUR SACK. BUY OUR PUBE SLICER. WE ALSO HAVE FRAGRANCES.

Again…Manscaped…I basically just gave you free advertising. Hit me up.

Feels weird putting a serious link down here after that blog post but more information has gone widespread about a tragedy from last year concerning Elijah McClain, just another soul who deserves genuine justice that he never got. Here’s a fundraiser set up by his family. Here are people in Colorado that can be contacted.