The Draw Play

If you have spent time on NFL internet circles you will have invariably witnessed at least one of these. The NFL divisions aren’t perfect and people like to try and clean them up by focusing on geographic proximity. It’s a pretty common offseason thought experiment when football fans get bored. Well, I’m bored too. But I’m not interested in any of that “sensible” bullshit. These cowards all take the easy way out and draw circles around the 4 closest logos on a map. Anyone can do that. Simpleton shit. It takes a visionary to make things worse.

I had two goals. Make every team travel as much as possible, and strip away as many rivalries as possible so that every division is a bunch of teams that rarely see each other under the current alignment and have no real history with each other. This genuinely was harder than you might think. You can’t just immediately grab the 4 farthest points for one division, because every subsequent division would shrink. You have to strike the right balance of finding 4 distant enough points each time. My strategy was to look for the biggest cluster of teams (the northeast corridor area) and make that entire cluster the starting point of each division, and then slowly expand outward accordingly.

So here we go. The worst NFL Divisions! Geographically bullshit, with no teams that are already division rivals.

PATRIOTS – JAGUARS – BROWNS – SEAHAWKS.
The worst travelling division by far with a team in several extreme geographical points. The Patriots would continue to have a Florida Achilles heel team, and the Jaguars having to go north into shitty cold weather stadiums in December would suck.

BEARS – COMMIES – SAINTS – CARDINALS
The holiest of all divisions. Two teams in humid swamps, one in an arid desert, one in frigid windy hell. This is a division with a lot of forgotten losers in it, teams who have never had a moment to shine or only had a few glory years a while ago.

PACKERS – TEXANS – PANTHERS – JETS
Two newbie southern losers versus two old money cold weather teams that wear green. Everyone in this division would hate the Packers more than the others. This is also probably the geographically “smallest” division.

CHIEFS – FALCONS – STEELERS – 49ERS 
The division with most rotten vibes? 3 teams with a dynasty in their history, lots of entitled old fandom jerks and new fandom snobs, and then the poor Falcons getting mercilessly bullied in the middle. This division might also be the victor for most brutally competitive under current team levels.

COWBOYS – RAMS – LIONS – RAVENS
Hey look, the two Thanksgiving stalwarts in the same division! They could just make it a division game between Dallas/Detroit every year. Baltimore fans would complain how Dallas and LA get all the attention. Lions fans just want to experience joy.

VIKINGS – BILLS – CHARGERS – TITANS
The Loser Vibes division. No champions and a lot of fans that like to whine about being unappreciated. Two 4-time Super Bowl losers with fans constantly trying to out-victimize the other. Also the glorious animosity that would exist between Buffalo and the Titans due to the Music City Miracle and subsequent 2-decade drought.

GIANTS – BENGALS – BRONCOS – BUCS
Maybe I should have swapped the Bills for the Giants so it could be the Killer B’s division, but alas. I don’t think there is any sort of relationship between any of these teams at all outside maybe the Giants/Broncos Super Bowl connection from the 80’s.

DOLPHINS – EAGLES – COLTS – RAIDERS
The current Eagles would steamroll these other losers. Other than that, this division doesn’t have much vibe other than mediocrity.

 

I spent 20 minutes trying to come up with names for each division and I straight up couldn’t do it. I was too successful in making them so unrelated that no name could really tie them together. If you have ideas go for it. We could call the Bears/Saints/Cardinals/Commies the Holy Division, but even then you have the Commies in that den of sin Washington DC. Maybe they can be the representative of hell.

If your team was in this new division, who would you hate the most of your rivals? I’d probably hate the Bucs the most. Says a lot because I don’t have strong feelings towards the Bucs either way.

The funny part is that this project has clearly shown to me the current NFL divisions are actually very well aligned overall with the notable exception of the Cowboys being in the NFC East, which was only preserved for historical rivalry reasons. If you just swapped the Cowboys and like, the Panthers, everything would be pretty much fine.

Just for funsies, let’s check out the complete map: