I never had the chance to comment on Jason Witten retiring so I hope this works as a legacy comic.

Jason Witten was awesome. Jason Witten was everything you want in a tight end. Jason Witten is a hall of famer. I hated his guts.

Jason Witten was Giants kryptonite. I fully believe he’d have just been a good player and not quite a hall of famer if the Giants didn’t exist. I swear that dude put up every personal game best against the Giants. The dude had some sort of magical ability to just completely disguise himself from view on 3rd downs and get wide open despite running a 20 minute 40 yard dash. Part of that may have been the Giants complete lack of a quality coverage linebacker since at least 2011 but most of it was Jason Goddamn Witten being a lumbering ninja.

I didn’t expect him to suddenly be a color analyst but from what little I’ve heard from the guy he seems smart and well spoken in the Romo kinda way, so I wager he will be good at it. I expect him to call out every play that the Giants run and tell us where the TE should go, and then halfway through a game just get fed up and go down there to do it himself.

Here’s a good Jason Witten highlight against the Giants.  In fact if you google “Jason Witten touchdown” most of the clips are against the Giants, though that may be google’s algorithms knowing how much I hate myself. This is a 20-yard TD and the old man just casually runs a decent route through zone coverage and ends up wide open in the endzone. He did that shit constantly and it was incredibly aggravating. Talk to any Giants fan and you can bet that in the final 5 years of Witten’s career, all of us were thinking the same thing on a Cowboys 3rd and long: COVER WITTEN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST COVER WITTEN. And they never fucking did. Lumbering ninja always found his way through.

I wish him the best in his new career. I’m glad he never won a ring. Fuck the Cowboys. Mad respect for you, lumbering ninja.