The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
Special teams has risen from the ashes of being a third wheel we forget exists most of the time to become a pivotal chaos point in every game. The new kickoff rules are resulting in better field position and more runbacks. The power adjustment that kickers have made to hit long field goals has also resulted in lower kicking trajectories which is causing a lot more blocked kicks. We’ve gotten a ton of doinks. We had multiple blocked punt returns this week. Special teams matters again, and I’m happy for it.

It also feels like we are getting a lot more late-game comeback attempts (even if many ultimately fail). Just this week we had the Cardinals spend 3 quarters licking their own toes to suddenly almost pulling it off as Seattle played with their food. The Eagles floundered for a half last week before the miracle comeback, and this week they almost had the exact same thing done to them. The Vikings played like Carson Wentz was the starting QB for 3 quarters and then almost pulled it off. This year we’ve also had the Ravens meltdown against Buffalo in week 1, every single Bucs game, the Browns comeback against Green Bay, The Vikings over the Bears in week 1, and the Panthers failed comeback against Arizona. Great year for witching hour entertainment.

The Colts. The Colts lost, but I think they are simply legit. If a team was going to expose this Colts team as a fraud the Rams were perfectly set up to do so but the Colts held their own. They arguably should have won if Adonai Mitchell doesn’t do the most boneheaded play in football and fumble before the goalline while celebrating. If anyone was exposed as a fraud this week, it was thankfully the 49ers, who finally actually lost a game instead of just looking like a loser the whole time. Purdy re-injured his toe, which puts MAC JONES back in action coming up.

GIANTS CORNER
–The Giants…won? And it wasn’t even against a bad team, but a good team? What on earth?

I’m not gonna invest too much positive excitement into this result for a number of reasons. One, Nabers is dead. Torn ACL, out for the season. See you next year, buddy. Two, the Chargers were likely just trap game’d. They were a West Coast team, playing in the early East Coast time slot, and they lost Joe Alt early in the game, which played directly into the Giants defensive strengths along the D-line. Three, it’s just one game. Any given Sunday. Dart wasn’t anything spectacular even if he was better than Russ. The team still stalled out horrifically in the red zone. I didn’t see a team that had fixed any of its problems on Sunday, just a team that functioned a bit more solidly instead of being too stupid too often. A bad team that managed to mostly have its shit together against a good team that mostly did not.

But a win is a win, and beating the 3-0 Chargers without Nabers on the strength of defense…that’s a win to hang a hat on. Dart getting his first NFL TD on a Quarterback Draw Play…it’s like he was trying to make me happy, specifically. Joe Alt going down certainly helps, but taking advantage of bad 0-lines is what this defensive line has to do, considering the talent involved. Dexy tipped a pass to himself and almost scored the Fat Man TD on the INT (furious that he did not make it). Abdul Carter doesn’t have high sack numbers, but he was constantly in Herbert’s face causing problems. Brian Burns is so so good, he is wasted on this team, but his massive 16-yard takedown of Herbie late in the game when the Chargers threatened field goal range was massive and probably decided the game. That’s the defense I miss. A defense that actually makes a play when it matters instead of giving up a play instead.

Ironically now that they’ve beaten a good team, losing to the Saints next week would be more embarrassing than it would have been had they gone in 0-4.

Also apparently John Mara has cancer. I’m not gonna make any jokes about that, but that was a surprise. Get better, John, then hire new people once you feel strong. 

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–The Packers could not afford to lose against Dallas. You can’t get a generational superstar pass rusher in a lopsided trade with an idiot team, send your expectations and hype through the roof for a month, laugh at that stupid team the entire time, then go back to that team in primetime and lose. Well, they didn’t lose, but something arguably even funnier happened. Nobody lost. Nobody won. We all wasted our evening watching an incredibly stupid game that taught us nothing except that maybe we overrated the Packers based on that Lions win in week 1. A masterpiece. It was also Scorigami!

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–We had our first big FOOTBALL MOOSE play of the year with Josh Allen freight training his way through Saints defenders for a vital late-game first down.
–A fake flea flicker? The announcers claimed to have never seen one. I can’t remember ever seeing one. Is this the first fake flea flicker ever? I love Ben Johnson’s nonsense.

THE VIBE CHECK
– After the week 1 stumble, the Lions are the Lions. The Chiefs, after facing scrutiny for 3 weeks, put in a solid effort that puts them right back on track to be just fine. The Ravens however…Things have gone from sketchy to outright worrisome. They’ve also faced a tough schedule and made games competitive…but things feel bad. They look bad. The defense just straight up is bad. This might end up a lost season for Baltimore.

The Panthers were reminded that they are absolute dogshit, the Falcons found their composure, and the Jaguars are 3-1! The Raiders and Vikings escaped complete meltdowns with some Ashton Jeanty fun and a late Vikings comeback, but the vibes aren’t good. The Chargers took a big hit too, with the o-line injuries giving them a massive flaw.

CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–The Saints, who had kept this Bills game surprisingly tight, reach the redzone and try to get fancy. The result is probably the play that loses the game.

BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
–Adonai Mitchell. Buddy, what are you doing? Did you not see the Colts lose a game last year because of this very thing? CROSS THE DAMN LINE FIRST. Lmao dumbass

CHAOS WATCH
–This Eagles team reminds me heavily of 2023. They are winning, they are talented, but something feels…off. They cannot put together a complete performance. Saquon hasn’t done much. The defensive talent drain is making an impact. The offense has lost most of its creativity. The 2023 team was a mirage that skated by on talent and grindy wins, and then late in the year it crumbled into a nightmare so bad people called for Sirianni’s head. I’d be lying if this team doesn’t have the same vibes. They might be fine. They should be fine. But if they blow up, a lot of red flags we’ve been able to ignore are going to fly overhead.

The Buccaneers’ identity under Todd Bowles seems to be making everything harder on themselves for no reason. This is a good team that can’t seem to be a complete team at any point. They win, but they win through chaos. They almost managed another 4th quarter comeback victory against Philly. If you want to be entertained, watch the Bucs.

The Dolphins are trending upwards. They kept themselves sane and normal and let the Jets screw up to earn win #1. This is not the worst team in the league. They might get good enough to be a spoiler team late season.

 

FRAUD WATCH
–Discussion of what makes a fraud comes up from time to time here and elsewhere in my circles, so I want to take a moment to reiterate my personal definition. Like everything here, it’s just vibes, but my idea of a fraud is a team that is not as good as their record. Or maybe a team that is not as good as their hype makes them out to be. Basically, a bad or mediocre team masquerading as a good one. Or maybe even just a good team masquerading as a great one. Understandably, this is a harder thing to gauge so early in the season, and it will become clearer as the weeks roll on.

I’ve decided to adjust the fraud meter to allocate space for what might count as the opposite phenomenon. To me the word fraud only works in one direction. So what about teams that are likely better than their record to this point? Maybe they’ve faced a hard schedule and have suffered tough, close defeats? A dangerous predator, ready to strike? To me, that is a sleeper. A team that we need to watch out for. To be considered a fraud, you have to be 2 or more games above what your record feels like it should be. To be a secret predator, the opposite. Once frauds or predators get exposed, they will likely move out of the side categories into the middle.

With that said, the Packers are officially suspicious now. The loss to Cleveland could have been a simple trap game, but to get that special defense torn to shreds by Dallas and have their offensive line shredded by one of the worst defenses in the NFL (injuries or no)…that’s bad. Also bad? Matt Lefleur coaches like a coward. Look at how GB played those last few drives. Weak shit.

I’ve explained my reasoning for Philly already, so let’s talk about the Ravens. The Ravens are very hard to judge. They have 3 losses to 3 great teams and they dominated one bad team. To me the Ravens are not this bad, even with the defensive woes. Their schedule beyond this point eases up significantly, with only GB, Pittsburgh (2x), and the Rams looking like genuine threats. Everyone else is beatable. Don’t be surprised to see the Ravens suddenly “fix” themselves. This is, of course, if Lamar Jackson is fine. We have questions after he left the Chiefs game for unexplained reasons.

The Jaguars. They don’t feel 3-1. They feel 2-2, and a grindy one at that. The Cardinals are 2-2, but they look like poop from a butt.

SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-The Texans didn’t really start blowing out the Titans until late. The Patriots, however, put the Panthers in a dutch oven for all 4 quarters.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–Injuries or not, a 3-0 Chargers team coming in against a 0-3 Giants team and crumbling to a rookie QB working without his best weapon is a pretty rough heat check to stomach.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The Texans are the antithesis of entertainment this season. Yet, they still managed to be competent against Tennessee this weekend. The Titans are abysmal and Brian Callahan needs to get launched into a volcano. 

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – FAMOUS ALBUM COVERS

TNF- 49ERS @ RAMS
The 49ers finally lost and now go to LA on a short week and hope Mac Jones can beat the Rams. Lmao. Only TNF divisional weirdness can save you now, San Francisco.
If the 49ers win, I will draw Mac Jones as the Banana on The Velvet Underground & Nico

VIKINGS @ BROWNS (IN LONDON)
The Vikings have spent roughly 5 quarters of football this year looking awesome and the other 11 quarters looking like complete dogwater. The Browns defensive line now gets to go against Carson Wentz, and frankly, I think the Browns are going to pull the upset because of that.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Carson Wentz on London Calling

TEXANS @ RAVENS
Okay. So the Texans look like my ass the day after I eat too much fatty food. Injuries or not, the Ravens should win this and keep that final coffin nail off to the side. God help them if they lose this.
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud as the Blind Melon bumblebee kid

DOLPHINS @ PANTHERS
This is one of those games that looks so ugly on paper that I get excited for it because two bad teams sometimes make for fun experiences. I’ll go Dolphins, because I think they need it more.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young as the baby on Tha Carter III

RAIDERS @ COLTS
The Raiders are like an old singer with a Las Vegas residency. They are there because people will go see them while in Vegas, but their career is done and they are just playing the hits.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Ashton Jeanty as the dog on Odelay

GIANTS @ SAINTS
This was one of the few games that looked winnable for the Giants entering the year. If they can’t deliver on this one, especially after beating the Chargers, lmao.
If the Saints win, I will draw The Miseducation of Taysom Hill

COWBOYS @ JETS
Cowboys can’t stop shit so the Jets might have an okay day and then still lose because the Cowboys offense isn’t actually that bad.
If the Jets win, I will draw Beastie Boys’ Licensed To Ill

BRONCOS @ EAGLES
Another week, another game when the Eagles kinda fuck around and win anyway.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Patti Smith’s Horses

TITANS @ CARDINALS
Wow what a stinker! Cardinals.
If the Titans win, I will draw Cam Ward dragging the Titans across Abby Road

BUCS @ SEAHAWKS
Seahawks have quietly been balling since week 1. The Bucs have been loudly prancing around the room slapping pots and pans together being as wild as possible. I’ll go home team for now, but prepare yourself for weird shit.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker doing the David Bowie Heroes pose

LIONS @ BENGALS
CAT FIGHT. Except one of those cats is one of those rescue cats in a shelter that is missing a limb and an eye that you feel so bad for but can’t bring yourself to take care of.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Jake Browning, holding up dead Joe Burrow on Queen’s News of the World

COMMIES @ CHARGERS
Marcus Mariota appeared to use up his goodwill this past week against Atlanta, so this is the Chargers chance to get back on track after a hiccup. Run the ball, Chargers.
If the Commies win, I will draw Jayden Daniels In an Aeroplane over The Sea

SNF – PATRIOTS @ BILLS
The Patriots are hit and miss this year. So are the Bills, but this Bills team loves pounding the Patriots into the dirt, like they have 20 years of pent up frustration to take out every time. Oh wait they do.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Drake Maye and Stefon Diggs on Stankonia

MNF – CHIEFS @ JAGS
Jaguars are winning while looking rough, this is setting itself up for a great year of tricking me into drawing Sexy Trevors. Obviously going Chiefs.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence as Prince on the cover of Dirty Mind

BYES – Falcons, Bears, Packers, Steelers

A TIE
If we get a tie, I will draw Pink Floyd’s The Division Bell