The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–I think I’ve been laboring under an outdated impression. I’ve been under the impression the Dolphins success hinges on Tua, and while that’s still true…Tua is done. The Dolphins put up a fight against Buffalo but they are not fielding an NFL caliber defense. But for 3 straight weeks, Tua has had one pass that was directly to a defender that he did not see while staring down his target. He turns to mush under pressure. I think Tua is just done. But despite it all, the Dolphins are trending slightly upward. They won’t be picking #1. Probably. Let’s say #4.

We had a few really shit games this weekend, the kind of games that make you not enjoy football as a sport. But one thing that is nice about those sorts of terrible games: the score stays close so the ending gets funny. The Texans might just be shit. May be time to recalibrate having faith in Houston. The Jaguars are not great, but they do seem to have some scrap to them. The second instance of shit ball/funny ending was 49ers/Cardinals, a waste of time that finally got funny when the Cardinals looked to maybe win on a safety only to blow it and disgrace themselves. Steelers/Patriots was pretty unmemorable outside the Patriots coughing the ball up twice in the redzone. Packers/Browns was a defensive smothering that ended very funny. Chiefs/Giants was unwatchable trash and Russ played maybe his worst game I’ve seen in years from him.

Then we had some blowouts. The Seahawks squished the Saints like a bug. The Commanders kicked the Raiders off a cliff. The Colts demolished the Titans. The Bears of all teams swatted the Cowboys with ease. The Panthers…wait…the Panthers? The Panthers relegated the Falcons.

The Chargers and Broncos combined for a quality match, with the Chargers going up early, squandering the lead to a big Broncos run, then coming up clutch to win with a kick. Bucs/Jets ended up a good game, but you’d be forgiven for skipping the first 3 quarters when the Bucs mostly just beat up the Jets. The Rams/Eagles game was a tale of two halves, with the Rams giving the champs a handly stuffing until the switch flipped and the Eagles did the beatdown.

Lions/Ravens was as advertised: a damn good football game. However it proved the Ravens have problems and the Lions are going to be just fine.

GIANTS CORNER
–There were some people in the fanbase who found optimism after last week because the team showed offense. I’m not sure why. This week confirmed the Cowboys defense is simply a pile of dung and the Giants, despite playing an entertaining game, had not turned any kind of corner. Russ chucked up multiple moonpicks to Nabers because the Chiefs could actually defend, and the offense was Cam Skattebo being neat plus Chiefs defensive penalties. The defense couldn’t tackle Mahomes nor get off the field. Same shit, different week. This team doesn’t have a real chance to win until they play the Saints. Daboll didn’t develop Josh Allen, Daboll got carried by Josh Allen. Daboll and Schoen convinced John Mara that Daniel Jones was the problem, and now Daniel Jones is off having a career revival.

Daboll & Schoen should have been fired in January. Giving them another year and letting them draft a rookie QB only to stick washed Russ out there is just wasting everyone’s time. I assume Dart gets the Saints start so that he looks good in a nail-biting win against the worst team in the NFL.

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–This was one of the better witching hours in recent history because it featured not one, not two, but THREE blocked last-minute field goals. First up: the Eagles, who had already completed a big second-half comeback and previously blocked a different Rams field goal attempt. The Eagles pulled ahead late, but the Rams managed to work back into field goal range and set up a game-saver to erase the sour taste of the comeback. Nope! Blocked, and ran back for a touchdown by a 300lb man, just to twist the knife. Then, the Packers set themselves up to finally put this ugly game behind them and move on from Cleveland, only for Cleveland to block it. The Browns squeaked out a few more yards and kicked a game-winner of their own to put the Packers on ice after a hot start. Then we had the wildest ending of the week. The Bucs set themselves up to kick, up 6 points, to go ahead by two scores with just over a minute left. The Jets, completing a comeback of their own, block it, run it back, and are now leading by 1. The Bucs get the ball back, drive the field with some Baker Baking and kick the actual game winner anyway.

 

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Mike Vrabel, high off paint fumes, calls for a fucking pitch play on 4th down, in the first half, from their own 15 yard line. It converted, so he’s been spared the shame. But I saw it. I saw it, Mike. What the fuck are you doing?
-The Falcons released Younghoe Koo this week because he hadn’t been kicking that well. The new guy shanked two attempts against Carolina. Maybe the problem is you, Falcons.
-Due to the nature of football you can never really claim a single player deserves all the credit for a win, but damn did the Vikings Isaiah Rodgers make a good case anyway. Rodgers had one of the best single-game defensive performances you will ever see against the Bengals, all in one half. He scored two defensive touchdowns, one off a pick and one off a scoop & score. By the way, he forced that fumble that he ran back, and he also punched the ball out on another drive.

THE VIBE CHECK
– The Packers took a big slap to the face this week. After starting the season as a Super Bowl contender, they were suffocated by the Browns defense and lost. Sometimes you need that gut punch to keep yourself honest. The Bengals also suffered maybe the biggest single week vibe drop, losing Burrow for the season (basically) and then getting pantsed by the Vikings.

–The Seahawks have been on the rise since an unfortunate week 1. Beating Pittsburgh was solid, but completely demolishing a bad team instead of playing down to the competition? Thats what good teams do.

-The Patriots have not had a good start to the year, making the Raiders look competent, barely beating Miami, and now crumbling to Pittsburgh after two massive redzone fuckups. Things aren’t feeling great. The Texans are 0-3 and they don’t look to be improved.

-The Bears finally got a nice comforting win though, same for Carolina. The Colts are just…man what is happening in Indy? A complete reversal from what we thought going into this year. Indy is playing with house money and having a great time. 

-After week 1, the Lions are looking just fine, but the Ravens have suffered. They gave up a win to Buffalo, beat Cleveland, and then mostly held their own against Detroit until Henry fumbled again. Is Henry a fumble guy now?

CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–Marcus Mariota takes off on a designed run, picks up 20 yards, then the ball flies out of his hands like a bar of soap to ruin everything.

BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-Tua, again with this. Do I need to rename this section the big Oofua of the week
–RAVENS WHAT ARE YOU DOING

CHAOS WATCH
–The Panthers play the Patriots, Dolphins, Cowboys, and Jets in the next 4 weeks. I expect the Panthers to suddenly get taken seriously when they put up decent games against this trash, when they should not be.
-The Vikings had a miracle comeback against Chicago, shat themselves against Atlanta, and then ripped the Bengals to shreds. Wentz is starting. The Chaos Gods have not abandoned their vessel.

FRAUD WATCH
–The Packers took a hit to their credibility this week but I need to see them struggle some more to think it was more than just a trap game. The Eagles looked potentially fraudulent for a half, but then the offense found itself again and won, so no counting them out yet. The Colts and Chargers appear to be legit for now. The Bucs are a chaotic team that wins close games, but they have the grit that makes them true.

The Steelers? Suspicious. They look like the 9-8 squad we know them to be. The Cardinals and 49ers both proved themselves fraudulent this week, putting together a goddawful display of unwatchable tripe. The 49ers are in first place in the division. I told you this was going to be the fraud division. The Rams could have had it locked up but fumbled the bag.

SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-The Seahawks were up 38-6 by the end of the half against the Saints. Just a complete demolition. I’ve never seen Seattle fans so comfortable during a football game.

 

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–Packers may have simply gotten trap gamed, but it’s hard to deny going into 0-2 Cleveland looking like the best team in the league only to get absolutely suffocated and lose on a blocked kick was a gut punch.

 

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–This was a tight race between the Saints and Falcons. I simply could not decide. Both teams got run over. The Saints got more badly beaten, but they at least scored points and we knew they’d suck? The Falcons got embarassed by the Panthers in maybe the best game they;ve played in the Bryce era. Neither team deserves to escape the shame.

 

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – THE X-MEN! (I’m not a comics guy so those of you who are, please give me better suggestions if you have them)

TNF – SEAHAWKS @ CARDINALS
Short week divisional games usually result in some weirdness so this one is probably more of a toss up than you’d think. However the Hawks are getting better as it goes and the Cardinals have spent 3 weeks barely scraping by.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Kyler Murray as Dark Phoenix

VIKINGS @ STEELERS
The Vikings remain impossible to read. The Steelers can be counted on to be a reliable talented underachiever. Maybe Rodgers makes this one personal because he got denied the Vikings gig, but Brian Flores is probably going to give him hell. I’ll go home team for now because Carson Wentz is poopy.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Carson Wentz as Mystique, switching between his 6 different uniforms of the last 6 years

COMMIES @ FALCONS
The Commies dominated both bad teams on their schedule so far. The Falcons had me hopeful after week 2, but seeing this sad display in week 3 has me writing them off again.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Michael Penix Jr as Jubilee

SAINTS @ BILLS
We just need to get through this week to set up the 0-4 fight next week for Saints/Giants.
If the Saints win, holy shit. Alvin Kamara as Colossus or something

BROWNS @ LIONS
The Browns defense is legit, but I don’t trust the offense to keep up with Detroit, who will still score.
If the Browns win, I will draw Joe Flacco as Rogue

TITANS @ TEXANS
Big game for the Texans. The Titans are not a good football team, Cam looks like a rookie. The Texans should finally be able to win against a weak divisional opponent. If they lose this, it’s Joeover and maybe we were all wrong about this entire regime after 2023 like how the Giants were frauds in 2022.
If the Titans win, I will draw Cam Ward as The Juggernaut

PANTHERS @ PATRIOTS
Panthers balled out against Atlanta. Can they keep this fraud train rolling up north? I’ll take the home team, because I do not trust that to happen.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young as Wolverine

CHARGERS @ GIANTS
Looking at this matchup made me curious. I knew the Eli Giants never beat the Chargers, and the post-Eli Giants were too bad to beat the Chargers…have I ever seen the Giants beat the Chargers? The answer is…probably not, the last time was in 1998 and I dont remember that year. I would have been ten. Maybe I’ll witness a win in another 4 years, because it ain’t happening this week.
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll as Professor X, using his powers on Herbert Storm

EAGLES @ BUCS
A real football matchup for big boy men. Excited. Not picking against the champs yet.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker Mayfield as Cyclops

COLTS @ RAMS
Another big boy matchup for big boy men. This is the second test for Indy. If they can beat the Rams, on the road, this team is for real, and we have to be scared of them. Christ how bad must Anthony Richardson be for the team to be this good with Jones under center?
If the Colts win, I will draw Daniel Jones as Beast

JAGUARS @ 49ERS
We’ve got a lot of middleweight fights going on. Can the 49ers continue to inflate their win total by picking on the Jaguars? I’ll take the home team.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence as Emma Frost

RAVENS @ CHIEFS
The Chiefs avoided disaster by beating the Giants, but they didn’t acquit themselves of the questions during that game at all. They are headed for 1-3 at rapid speed.
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Mahomes as Toad, tripping Juggernaut Henry

BEARS @ RAIDERS
Another “who can save their season and who is completely toast” matchup. I’ll go home team once more.
If the Bears win, I will draw Caleb as Gambit

PACKERS @ COWBOYS
The Packers have to win this. They have to. If the Packers lose the Micah homecoming game to this sorry ass Dallas defense, the Packers are immediately frauds. This is the game I would take in eliminator if I was in one of those games.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Dak Prescott as Iceman, defeating Micah Pyro

MNF – JETS @ DOLPHINS
People are going to look at this like “oh god two awful teams this game will suck”. But as often as those games end up a slog, they also end up fun. I think this game will be fun. But I guess I have to actually pick somebody…so…Jets?
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Tua as Psylocke

MNF – BENGALS @ BRONCOS
Here’s the one that’ll suck. The Broncos offense sucks. The definition of a moveable object meets a stoppable force. This game will be so ass.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Ja’marr Chase as Magneto

A TIE
If we get a tie, I will draw Apocalypse

 

ALSO: you are probably going to be noticing some design changes this week. I’ve been playing around with some minor visual tweaks and some background stuff. If you hate or love an update you see, please let me know, I’m just experimenting at the moment.