Bears Fans Get The News
The Bears will never have a QB, will they?
After weeks of speculation that they might trade for Russell Wilson, those plans either fell through or never existed in the first place and now the Bears are going to be saddled with Andy Dalton. The Red Rifle news has not been very welcome. Not really because Dalton isn’t that bad (he’s arguably still an upgrade over Foles and Trubisky) but because he just represents another year of failure to capitalize. The problem is that Dalton is obviously not the answer, and will never be the answer. He’s just another stop gap until the Bears finally clean house and fire everyone. Get that money, Andy, these will not be fun years. Maybe embrace the “fuck it who cares” mentality of Ryan Fitzpatrick and just go balls to the wall no matter what because honestly what do you have to lose?
Speaking of Fitz, he signed with TEAM, so he’ll end up on the Spyder Web soon and he should actually be a ton of fun throwing to the likes of Curtis Samuel and Scary Terry.
HEADS UP, I have some extra things I need time to work on, so don’t expect any updates next week.
Holy fuck, is he holding a bottle of Malort? How depressed are your characters?
Looks like Malort to me…and that’s about right for the current Bears situation. Honestly, the Andy Dalton situation is only the tip of the iceberg based on the info that’s been popping up today.
Malort, what licking a vacant lot in the city would taste like as an alcoholic beverage.
He knows Bears fans and what they drink to erase memories.
I had not heard of Malort, so I googled it. A couple of cut&pastes from their website:
“Jeppson’s Malört has the aroma and full-bodied flavor of an unusual botanical. Its bitter taste is savored by two-fisted drinkers.”
1920’s history: Carl Jeppson begins producing his “bäskbrännvin” (a traditional Swedish-style of bitters) and sells it as a “medicinal” product that rid its imbibers of stomach worms and other parasites in the body. Jeppson skirts federal regulation given the recurring conclusion by law enforcement that nobody would drink his concoction recreationally.
I think the Wiki has more relevant snippets:
– In an interview with Gothamist blog Chicagoist, John Hodgman said Jeppson’s Malört “tastes like pencil shavings and heartbreak.”
– […] actor Jason Sudeikis riffs that Malört is like swallowing a burnt condom filled with gasoline.[19] In a similar vein, Tremaine Atkinson, founder of CH Distillery, was introduced to Malört when he first moved to Chicago, he compared it to “taking a bite out of a grapefruit and then drinking a shot of gasoline”.
– Other distillers that produced a similar spirit renamed theirs beforehand. Letherbee reverted to the generic “Bësk”, while FEW Spirits dubbed theirs “Anguish and Regret”.
I love Fitz. He’s a guy who knows he’s just a stopgap for lousy teams and is thrilled he gets to have a career at all.
I don’t think Dalton is better than Trubisky. They had similar stats last year and the Bears have a worse offense than the Cowboys.
It’s a lateral move for an older QB.
I feel bad for Bears fans
Trubs is just a Josh Allen who never had anything built around him. They are both skinny lengthy white guys who have a canon of an arm and they could also surprisingly scramble. Just one was built around and the other was thrown under the bus.
I mean I’d argue they got the best free agent QB on the market. Similar stats to Fitz, but the Bengals were a perennial playoff team, Fitz has never been. And this was after throwing all they possibly could at the Seahawks to try to get Wilson. I don’t think you can place blame at the Bears org for this one. Now, the process of drafting Trubisky in the first place, that’s another story…
Getting the best FA QB in this market isn’t really saying much given that it was pretty much all journeymen QBs, washed vets, and backups. Dalton wasn’t particularly good in Dallas with a loaded arsenal of weapons surrounding him, so I doubt that he does much better on a new team with a worse corps.
I wouldn’t give Dalton a ton of credit for the success of those Bengals teams. They were all around very good rosters that more or less made up for the fact that Andy Dalton was the QB. There’s a reason why they never won a playoff game with him despite making it every year.
But, Dalton is an upgrade over Mitch “kissing-tiddies” Trubiscuit. The red rifle may not be a top 10 qb… He’s somewhere around middle of the pack. If Dallas’s Defense wasn’t absolute dog shit outside of DL, we may have seen them make the playoffs.
To be fair, the bears have never actually had top-of-the-line qb play. Bears fans will hate me for this, but the bears have never had a top 5 qb. George Blanda and Night train lane don’t count.
Sid Luckman is the only top 5 qb the bears have ever had, and that was back when the league only had 10 teams.
Jay Cutler is the second greatest QB they’ve ever had.
Dalton isn’t bad. He’s painfully average.
The Bears : Trying so Hard to be The Lions since 1985
The extreme meathead bears side of me has done it. The meathead part of my brain sat down in a bath and made toast.
The sane part of me outlived the meathead part of me. I’m cured, Clarice….
Will Fitzpatrick’s beard cover his face once he’s caught in the web?
More that he stands at the bottom and tosses others into the web.
Outdated comic idea: Genome Smith
It’s like a sequel to Osmosis Jones but it’s Geno Smith
this is genius
So when do we get the Dak Prescott overpay comic?
goodness gracious i am so happy you have malort in this
malort is what i drink for sports sadness specifically.
Prediction Andy Dalton wins his first playoff game year one with the bears
I feel like somehow, there should be an Eagles comic where Coaches & Players get blamed for everything that goes wrong, and in the final couple of Panels, the reveal is “It was Jeffrey All Along”
I had to look at the tags to see this was Sam. And I finally realized why, there’s no Pokemon stuff in the background.
Does Sam’s beard have no soul?