Arian Foster Fights The Wolf
So okay, first a bit of news before we get into Arian Foster and the Wolf thing. I’d wager a fair number of folks expected a comic about the Brock/Browns trade or something else that happened more recently. I picked up a day job that started this week for life reasons. I don’t plan on having it affect the site much in terms of updates, at least for now. But it will change my work schedule a lot and require me to start on things way sooner than the day before, so prompt news responses are pretty much going out the window. For example, I finished this Thursday, before Brock even happened. Hopefully this leads to more unique comics since I won’t be pressured to respond to news as much. We’ll see. Also, commissions are basically a no for now, at least until I get a better handle on how everything is gonna work.
Onto Arian Foster vs a Wolf. Foster had one of those silly conversations you have with a friend about pointless crap, but he did it with himself and twitter followers, basically trying to figure out if he could take a wolf or not. Then, because offseason, news outlets picked it up. It must be weird to be famous enough that you can watch your shower thoughts become a widespread news story.
I don’t think Foster could take a wolf. Wolves are big and fast. People think of them like dogs, but they are bigger and more vicious. Foster could take a big dog, but a wolf? I don’t know. Not without a weapon. A barehanded human is basically a human without the advantages a human has. We aren’t that strong or fast in relation to animals, we evolved a bigger brain so that we could essentially break the system and make weapons. Without that ability, we’re kind of bleh, even football players. I think a wolf would be a little too strong and quick although Foster could probably do some damage before the wolf manages to get the neck.
Edit: This is purely from the perspective of Foster vs a Wolf in optimal 1v1 combat, the real world this would never happen since wolves hunt in packs and humans would have weapons. But a hypothetical situation with Foster, unarmed, vs a wolf, full strength, I think the wolf comes out on top about 65-70% of those fights. Foster’s only chance would be to grapple with the wolf, maybe snap a leg, and I think that would be tough to pull off without the Wolf getting in too much damage. If he can get the wolf in a lock and get his weight on the wolf, he probably comes out on top. It’s getting to that point that seems tough.
Arian could totally beat a wolf, all he needs to do is achieve total nirvana and have the Charles Schwab guy who used to play qb with him beat the wolf as a sacrifice or something.
Also, congrats on getting a day job.
Cortland is a wuss, Foster ain’t wrong
It’s so funny how people underestimate humans so much. Yeah our brains and opposable thumbs are awesome but they’re not our biggest advantages. First, toughness. Humans can shrug off traumatic injuries that would kill other animals. There is a man who survived a grizzly bear attack by shoving his arm down its throat. He lost the arm. Losing a limb kills most creatures of stress unless they’re anesthsised. Human beings regularly sacrifice their limbs to survive outside of a medical facility, sometimes even cutting the limb off THEMSELVES. Second advantage is endurance. Before we had bows, slings, and spears, our main method of hunting was to chase something until it died of exhaustion. In fact, the reason we domesticated wolves was because they were the only animals that could even come close to keeping up with us.
I didn’t think Foster was too crazy. He had a valid point that wolves only have 1 weapon, their mouth. You use your off hand to stick your forearm into its mouth. A man the size of foster had enough muscle that it wouldn’t probably break his arm. Then you have a totally free arm to do whatever you want. You get a wolf in a headlock and you win. You can choke it out, break it’s neck, pin it down, doesn’t matter.
For the average person a wolf would be too much because they can with 200lbs, but Foster i think could handle it.
We domesticated wolves about 15000 years ago. By then everyone had bows, slings, and spears. The main reason we domesticated the wolf is that they were coming around to people’s temporary settlements to eat their garbage. In fact it’s possibly wolves “self-domesticated” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-domestication) – basically, the subset of wolves able to tolerate being near humans a lot were rewarded by better access to human garbage, a success strategy. Those tended to be the ones that retained more puppy-like features into adulthood – neonatality – which is why domesticated dogs tend to have floppy ears and exhibit more puppy-like play behavior.
It’s true though that humans can run down prey over long distances, and that dogs are among the only animals capable of keeping up. That may have also been a factor.
Anyway I think Foster could take a Wolf only if he had training in wolf-fighting and had practiced a lot. You’d need to understand the wolf tactics, like it’s not going to let you get your hand in its mouth, it’s trying to bite your leg to get you on the ground so it can go for your throat. And being bit is going to hurt, a lot, and not in the same way that being hit in pads on the field hurts. Look at how football players react to real on-field injuries – shock sets in quickly, sometimes there’s a guy writhing around, etc. Being able to ignore your wounds and keep fighting takes practice.
But Foster’s gonna win because a wolf is not gonna take on a human 1 on 1 without backup. Most likely it’ll back down and retreat as soon as Foster shows he’s able to adequately defend himself. Maybe if the wolf is like, starving, or has been reared on human flesh, or has hunted humans alone before? But still, wolves are pretty smart, that wolf wants a child or a weak old man, not a big football player. It’s not going to fight to the death, it’s going to attack and then run away as soon as Foster gets in a good punch.
See their is a difference between ‘could conceivably survive being attacked’ and ‘straight up whup its butt’. Could Arian Foster kill a wolf without a weapon? Yes. There was a guy in Wyoming who was attacked by a grizzly. He survived by clamping both hands down on the bear’s carotid and hanging on for dear life.
But, in a wolf vs. Foster cage match, smart money is on the wolf. Even then it would be pretty difficult to get the wolf to even stand up to Foster. For starters wolves don’t stand and fight toe to toe. They’re pack hunters. For second wolves are scared pissless of human beings. If wolves had a culture all of their art and history would be about humanity’s ongoing genocide that has pushed them into the cold, rugged regions of the globe. If Arian Foster tried to fight a wolf, the wolf would probably just dance around and retreat until Foster got tired and gave up.
An American gray wolf tops out around 100 pounds and won’t attack a human by itself unless starving, and hunt in packs to take down pray. A psychically fit man could indeed take down a wolf in a fight. In fact, the wolf would be likely to run from the fight if at all possible.
According to the internet, a grey wolf averages about 100 lbs if it is male and 85 lbs if it is female. Arian Foster is 225 lbs. If it comes down to a life or death fight, all Foster has to do is get a hold of one of its legs then pick it up and swing it around. He might get one of his arms mangled but he could kill the wolf. My dog is only 60 pounds but I can easily out muscle her. If she was 4 times as strong, I could still out muscle her. Foster against a pack, no chance. Against a single wolf, my money is on the human.
Most running backs could take a single wolf. Not Arian Foster though. Dude is an injury prone vegan. He’s below the wolf on the food chain.
The bigger question is: Could Foster take on 100 duck-sized wolves?
That is more words than I have ever heard Andre Johnson say in one sitting.
Also, I would like to see more hypothetical outcomes of Arian Foster in Liam Neeson movie scenes…
The wolf took his marshmallow in panel 5
Assuming you could make them fight, as it’s true a solitary wolf would have zero interest whatsoever in going after a man, my money is totally on the wolf. Most people stand absolutely no chance again your average police dog, which is about the same size as a grey wolf, and while the police dog is trained, the wolf has to hone its hunting and killing skills just to survive. I understand that Arian Foster is much stronger than your average person, but still, all that wolf would have to do is clamp down on his arm and it’s never letting go. My guess is that it would be really hard to put a wild wolf in a headlock when it has a death grip on your other arm.
Also, because I have no life I just looked up the bite strength for a German Shepherd and a gray wolf, and the gray wolf’s bite is roughly twice as strong – it could easily break your bones with its bite.
But Arian Foster isn’t made of meat and bones he’s made of tofu so even if the wolf bites him he’s gonna be fiiiiine.