The Draw Play

FOOTBALL ASTROLOGY

Have you ever felt a particular synergy and synchronicity with certain aspects of football? Do you ever watch a particular play and feel like that’s just so you? You aren’t alone. Your fandom is not by accident. It is destined by the Gridiron Cosmos.

But you may not know of your place in this cosmos, because unlike the Chinese Zodiac or Western Astrology, the Football Star Chart is far less known, as I just made it up. Fear not, the time has come for you to calculate and understand your place on the Great Gridiron.

Firstly, you must know your birth month. The league new year usually starts in the second week of March (This year it was March 11th). This is the beginning of the Football Calendar, and we celebrate it with the expulsion of old contracts and the signings of the new. We become free agents to pursue our dreams for the next season. Each month has its own play designation as designated by the grand playbook. Each new sign starts on the 11th of each month, so for example, if you have a July 7th birthday, you are technically under the June sign.

So first up: Your birth month and your Play Call.

March – Power Run. You face problems head on. You see no point to finesse, and hesitation is defeat. You are all about that grind. You demand progress at all times and believe everything can be solved by brute force. But you can be stubborn when things are not working, and your lack of progress and failure to try new things can leave you behind.
April – Screen. Your goal is to play it safe and let others make mistakes so you can take advantage. It can cause you to play yourself if others figure out what you are up to.
May – Jet Sweep. You view problems as things to avoid rather than approach directly. Your goal is to circumvent issues all-together, and even let others do the work in keeping things at bay.
June – 4 Verticals – YOLO BABY. You are game for anything at any time. There’s nothing in life you won’t charge full force. Everyone is happy to see you at a party. Every swing should be for the fence. The rewards can be astounding, but the failures just as stark. Your lack of caution can leave you high and dry and place you in terrible positions.
July- Counter – You like to surprise people. You pretend to be one thing, but you always envision yourself as another. You love to zig when people zag. But ultimately, you just want to push forward. This can cause you to get blindsided if you do not take care to watch yourself.
August – Double Reverse – You just enjoy messing with people. You are a natural contrarian. Everyone groans when you start your shit. Quit being cute and be useful. Sometimes your unconventional approach to life can lead to amazing results, but normally you just flop around and things never go as smoothly as it feels like it should. You are a mess but you live for the drama.
September – Play Action – You love to take chances, but you plan for it. Big planner. You are highly organized. You are always setting yourself up for that one opportunity. However, if you play your cards wrong or play them too often, you can leave yourself open to disappointment.
October – Option – You do not like to be pigeonholed. You love to have all avenues of life available to you. Your adaptability is outstanding. But you tend to hurt those around you with last-minute changes in decision-making and you struggle with commitment.
November – Naked Bootleg – You aren’t afraid to put yourself in harm’s way if you think it’s the right decision. You are fearless and unconventional. You let it all hang out. The drawbacks to this are obvious, and you can’t bail out once you’ve made your choice, it’s all up to you to accomplish your dreams now.
December – Checkdown – You are cautious and play it cool. You understand that risks do not always pay off, and sometimes a victory is just surviving to give yourself another chance. You manage situations with an abundance of levelheadedness. You rarely end up in a bad place, but you also rarely reach great heights, because sometimes you have to go for it.
January – Draw Play – You are patient. You do not like to rush into situations but wait for things to develop. The goal is to analyze and see what opportunities are there for you, and then make your move. This can provide you with a clear path forward, but the delay can also block those paths before you have a chance to react. Sometimes you have to blindly go forth.
February – Sneak – You don’t have strong goals or grand designs, but you will stop at nothing to brute force what little progress you do wish to make. You are always the first to show up to engagements and you are slippery and hard to pin down. People are wary of you. Use it to your advantage.
February 29th – flea flicker – You are a rare one. People are always excited to see you, but you so rarely appear. Everyone’s eyes light up when you enter the room. If you came around more often you’d be a lot less unique.

What part of the day were you born, and which day of the week?

But there is more. Were you born on an odd or even numbered day? Yes, this does matter, because if you’ve ever looked at your full Western Astrology calculation chart there is a whole bunch of stupid additional shit like birth location longitude and sun position to keep track of for the dorks out there, so naturally I had to mimic this for the bit I MEAN this is what is divined by the great Gridiron Cosmos.

This next part is also defined by what time of day you were born. As the game of football is split into 4 quarters with teams switching directions each quarter, the day is also split into 4 quarters. (Q1)12-6am, (Q2)6am-12pm, (Q3)12pm-6pm, (Q4)6pm-12am. Odd-numbered quarters are the quarters of Offense, and even-numbered quarters are the quarters of Defense.

Offense. You are naturally an optimist, and believe things will improve and get excited frequently, but frequently fall to delusion and are too eager to drink the Kool Aid.

Defense. You are naturally a pessimist. You are cautious and measured and often very realistic, but lack joy and you can be kind of a downer.

Born at exactly 12/6 in any quarter: Special Teams. People only tend to notice you when you screw up, but you are often the glue that holds everyone together.

If you don’t know what time you were born, ask your parents, or just make shit up this is all fake anyway.

If you are an odd quarter, and thus an offensive person, your bonus counter trait is based on defensive formations. If you are an even quarter and thus defensive, your trait is defined by WR routes. Your specific trait is defined by the day of the week you were born. If you happen to be special teams, you get both traits! Aren’t you special?

With the social personality of defense plays (Odd numbered quarters)
Sun – Press Man – You enjoy sticking to people. You are confrontational and close. People like to call you touchy-feely and often comment on the smell of your breath. You could stand to cut back on physical contact. You are a big hugger and never shut up.
Mon – Corner Blitz – You’re the oddball weirdo. You are quiet in conversation until you burst in with a great joke that either makes everyone laugh or leaves everyone dead quiet. You enjoy coming out of left field. Some people call you a manic pixie and find you very charming until they see your shortcomings.
Tues – Soft Zone – You only like to hang out in very specific locations with not a ton of flexibility. You are pretty chill though, and like to have things come to you. You always have fun when things do come to you.
Wed – Stunt – You love variety and switching things up. You want to play every role in social gatherings. You love to argue just to argue.
Thurs – Single deep safety – You are a loner. You hang out in the back of social gatherings, taking it in, and only making a move when necessary.
Fri – Delayed blitz – You are aggressively forward but only when provoked. You like to wait until your opportunity to shine. You don’t speak much in social engagements, but when you do, it’s calculated and full of wisdom. Sat – Prevent – You play it safe. You are always on the defensive, and you never take charge of the conversation. Everyone complains about you.

 

With your social personality of a Wide Receiver Route (Even Quarters)
Sun – Curl/Comeback – You are reliable and always come running for anyone who needs you. People can always count on you.
Mon – Corner/Post – You love to take a chance and aren’t afraid to get kinda deep. You like to go for it and really push the people around you to do their best.
Tues- Out/Dig – You love to play support when you can. Sometimes you can just bail and run out, but you just as often dig deep, lock in and do your best.
Wed- Flat – You just like to hang out. Always nearby, ready to party. It can get you hurt.
Thurs – Slant – You are a standard normal person. You do your thing. No one really has any issues with you.
Fri- Hitch – You don’t like to veer very far away from your people. You are always close by. Going too far scares you.
Sat – Fade–  You love to ghost people and vanish when people need you

The Great Gridiron is also forever in conflict with the chaos of the universe. This results in the great penalty flag cycle, as the rules of the world attempt to break down. Every year the great Gridiron cancels this out by calling the universe out for these infractions. This results in the great penalty cycle of 20 years. The most recent cycle began in March 2020, and repeats every 20 years, so it will reset in March 2040. The Previous cycle was March 11th 2000 to March 11th 2020.  As we sit in June 2026, we are in the Year of the False Start.  If you are born in, say, October 1997, you are born in the year of Helmet to Helmet.

Born in the year of the (penalty)
1- Hands to the face
2- Encroachment
3- Offsides
4- Pass interference
5- Facemask
6- False start
7- Defensive Holding
8- Block in the back
9- Running into the kicker
10- Intentional Grounding
11- Horse Collar Tackle
12- Taunting
13- Delay of game
14- Ineligible Receiver Downfield
15- Offensive Holding
16- Illegal Contact
17- Helmet to Helmet
18- Illegal Formation
19- Roughing the Passer
20- Unsportsmanlike Contact

GUIDE TO LOVE UNDER THE GRIDIRON COSMOS
-All things require balance, so you must seek out someone who is the opposite type of play to you. Are you a Draw Play? That’s a run. You are most compatible with Play Action, Screen, 4 Verts, etc. If you do not achieve this harmony with your partner, your relationship is doomed, may as well break up now.

WHEN THE DRIVE IS IN RETROGRADE
You may follow the chain markers of life and do your best to move them forward, but you may still notice a lack of progress. Sometimes the chains that signify progress seem to reach out further despite your intention. This is caused by the Drive going in retrograde. Things are amiss. Chaos is afoot. You need to reset yourself. Dig deep, settle down, and find your balance, even if that requires you to punt a particular problem down the road. All drives reset eventually.

Remember: if you feel your listed traits and such do not accurately apply to you and all of this is silly hogwash, that’s because you are just in denial of the Gridiron Cosmos. Get over yourself.

So, the template: I am a (Play call sign), born in the year of the (penalty), as a (offensive/defensive Formation/Route)
Using myself as an example:
I am a Draw Play, born in the year of Block in the Back, as a Defensive Hitch Route. (Yes I made sure to give my birth month The Draw Play, obviously, but that’s the only way I’ve gamed the system.)

ENOUGH OF THAT, JUST GIVE ME MY TEAM’S HOROSCOPE

Sure. Your team horoscope for the upcoming football season!

Power Run – Your team will be as mid as possible
Screen – Beware of deathly injuries that hamper the season
Jet Sweep – Things look hopeful for your team, but they are a false promise of progress
4 Verts – Your team will come out of the gate hot, but fade in the stretch
Counter – Your team will come out of the gate cold, but find their footing late
Double Reverse – I hope you are ready to see your team lead the league in turnovers (derogatory)
Play Action – Oh your team is so toasted, dont bother watching
Option – Those late round picks end up being steals and your team becomes a contender
Naked Bootleg – A stupid controversy will mire your good season in drama
Checkdown – A season defined by frustrating inconsistency
Draw Play – Incremental steps forward for the team, but not as much as desired
Sneak – Take care to observe, for things are looking up
Flea Flicker – It’s not a leap year so your team isn’t going to be relevant

INCORPORATE ASTROLOGY INTO YOUR WATCHING! Stop using outdated football terms and start using mystical terminology. EXAMPLES!