WEEK 18 CHAOS REPORT: EVERYONE’S A FRAUD
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–Thus ends possibly the most chaotic regular season year of football I can remember watching, from a macro perspective. While individual games may not have been more chaotic than average, the overall season has just been…bizarre. We have no clear frontrunners, each of the top few seeds in both conferences feel like they could instantly lose. The league itself has been bonkers. A half dozen teams fighting for last place. No middle class at all. We’ve got a sub .500 division winner, multiple teams who collapsed, multiple teams who looked dead and surged, all kinds of weird shit. Nothing feels inevitable going into these playoffs, and that might be the most exciting thing of all.
As for the individual games, good stuff! Myles Garrett got the sack record and a last second asspull team win. Congrats to him. Maybe now people will shut up about the Strahan record.
The Seahawks completely shut down the 49ers high flying offense of the past few weeks. That defense is terrifying, and Sam Darnold creeps ever closer to shedding his ghost reputation. The Raiders and Chiefs combined for a terrible field goal game and likely sent Travis Kelce out with a whimper, but also a 13,000 yard career. Farewell to Harrison Smith as well, who also went out with a win over the not-trying Packers. Of course, one final farewell to the Bills current stadium, a shitty hole in the ground that’s gone after this year. This is unless somehow #6 Buffalo ends up playing the #7 Chargers in the championship game, which would be incredible.
The Eagles rested starters and farted. The Bears didn’t rest starters and farted, but not before yet another 4th quarter chaos bomb. The Bills backups blasted the Jets. Broncos/Chargers happened. Rams/Cardinals was closer than it should have been for a bit before the Rams woke up. The Pats blasted the Dolphins and to be honest, I think Drake Maye might deserve MVP, schedule merchant or no.
GIANTS CORNER
–Giants are officially drafting 5th. They would have been #1 if they lost. Classic Giants. It’s unfortunate, but I also must repeat myself: it doesn’t mean the Giants would have made the correct decisions with that pick anyway. Giants fans who are angry always operate as if they would. I do not know where this optimism comes from. This is a stupid organization, and that is the main reason they are here every year. One good pick or one good trade haul is just a component to a lot of things they have to get right to stop being a joke. If we are keeping Joe Schoen I don’t think it matters either way, because that’s the wrong choice.
This last game had some weird undertones to it though. There seem to be a lot of death flags surrounding Mara, who was briefly seen in the postgame locker room celebration and he looks…rough. A lot of Giants outlets seem to be discussing this like it might be Mara’s last game, either as owner or…as a living human being. I have my issues with him as an owner, but I do feel for those suffering through cancer. If the case is that this is truly his last game, I’m honestly happy he got to leave with a nice win over a rival.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–I mean, the NFC South set themselves up, and the NFC South followed through and dunked that shit. We had a division championship decided because of the outcome of the two teams who were already eliminated instead. We end with a 3-way tie at 8-9. The Panthers lost their final game and they got the division because of Kirk Cousins a day later. We may never see a division decided by such monumental stupidity ever again.
But I lied. The chaos of the week was our last game of the week. The Ravens and Steelers got together for one last rumble. Win and in. Lamar and the Ravens (with Harbaugh’s future seemingly hanging in the balance), versus Aaron Rodgers’ possible final hurrah. The game was a tight close defensive battle for 3 quarters. Then shit broke loose. Lamar did Lamar shit and found a wide-open Zay Flowers for a bomb. Then the Steelers drove the field and took the lead right back. Then Lamar/Zay did the exact same shit again. The Steelers had 2:30 left, no timeouts, and had to score a TD. They fucking did it (Boy the Ravens missed Kyle Hamilton). But the Steelers scored fairly quickly and shanked the XP, giving Baltimore the setup. Baltimore got a great return on the kick, grabbed a miracle catch on 4th to reach reasonable field goal range, wound the clock down and set up for the game-winning 44-yarder.
Tyler Loop shanked it. Steelers win. We aren’t done with Rodgers yet.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Lamar did a Lamar thing again
–Jaxson Dart does cool stuff and the Eberflus defense does Eberflus Defense things
THE VIBE CHECK
– Few teams are entering the playoffs riding high. Seattle for sure. Denver held onto the top seed. The Jaguars are playing killer football. The Pats look good. The Panthers are honestly just happy to be here and dont give a shit. For everyone else in the playoffs, things are more tense.
-The Browns had a bad year, but Garrett ended it on a high note, and presumably changes are coming to get excited for. Same for Atlanta. They fired their coach and GM after sweeping the Saints. Not a bad aftertaste for a bad season. The Steelers managed to escape death for now, so that’s fun.
-The Raiders managed to win and retain the #1 pick. They are also presumably hiring a new coach and GM. Fun stuff. Detroit ends the season sadly but they could be right back in it next year. The Saints end the season swept by Atlanta, but with a lot to build on.
-The Colts and Cardinals though, things feel bad. The Colts experienced a major collapse and are not firing Chris Ballard. Terrible choice. The Cardinals do not appear to be moving on from Gannon because the Bidwells are cheap losers, so don’t expect much from Arizona next year. The Giants do not appear to be moving on from Schoen, which sucks. Tampa retains Todd Bowles, which Tampa Fans arent thrilled with. As I write this late Sunday night I do not know what to expect from the Ravens and Harbaugh. It might be time. The Jets vibe? Just happy this shit is over.
-THE NFL HAS AN OFFICIATING PROBLEM of the week
–Carolina got kinda screwed
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–I spent most of the final 4 minutes of Steelers/Ravens laughing my ass off
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-You are supposed to gain yards on runs, not whatever this is
-I liked the 49ers black rival alternate when it debuted in promo pictures back over the summer. Once I saw them in game-time action, I hated them. They didn’t look like the 49ers at all. The good font couldn’t save it.
CHAOS WATCH
–THE HOUSTON TEXANS ARE NOT PLAYING FOOTBALL ON SATURDAY IN THE WILDCARD. DOGS AND CATS, LIVING TOGETHER, MASS HYSTERIA
FRAUD WATCH
–Everyone is on fraud watch now. I can see every one of these teams blowing it in their first game. I trust absolutely none of them. But especially the Bears. The Bears are definitely frauds. I cannot trust a team that needed like 5 miracle games in one season to even get here, with many of those miracles coming against dopes like the Giants. The Bears reek of fraud, and they may still obliterate the Packers in the wildcard. FRAUDS, ALL OF YOU.
But when everyone’s a fraud…is anybody?
SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-The Jaguars didn’t need to play their starters as long as they did, but they did anyway, just to shove it to Tennessee.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–I will give it to the San Francisco 49ers, who looked so good on offense in previous weeks and yet put up 3 points against Seattle, in Santa Clara, with the #1 seed on the line.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The Jets have made a concerted effort to be the worst organization in professional sports over the last two weeks. They end the season with zero interceptions. ZERO. Are you fucking kidding me.
CARTOON PICKS! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUGGESTIONS! I got lots of games wrong so bless you. Also, to the few of you who submitted a themed week of picks, I like the ideas but the theme weeks end at week 17, so save that idea and propose it next year!
I’ll start with the odd quirk of this particular week. I picked the Panthers to win, but I got that wrong. I also picked the Falcons to win, and got that right. Due to how the NFCS situation played out, Tampa winning didn’t actually mean anything until the Falcons game was determined. So I did not draw a picture for Tampa, but I drew one for Atlanta to make up for it. An odd quirk, but this was a very unique scenario.
Congrats to the Seahawks, who I totally expected to blow it in primetime. Sam, get those accolades.
The Giants capitalized on a woeful defense and the Cowboys resting starters. The fanbase is a toxic hellhole right now, and I do not want to interact with any of my fellow Giants fans outside this place right here.
Every Raiders bet I got was basically some version of “fucking up the tank”. Once the Giants won, that was no longer possible, so I had to pick the one good idea that was unrelated.
I actually thought the Browns would win, but I swapped my choice at the last second because I wanted to draw Garrett in case he got his thing. He almost didn’t and left me scrambling.
The Eagles rested their starters and screwed me over.
The Bears Blew it.
But we ended the day on possibly the funniest picture of the year.
There is a part of me that will miss making fun of Aaron Rodgers all the time.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – I am saving this for the annual Bandwagon Guide come Friday. We can discuss the games then.
People will call for a restructuring of the playoffs because of the audacity of an 8-9 home game and conveniently forget that the Panthers own the head to head on the Packers and the Rams.
Just to add to the absurdity of this season since you didn’t mention it – This season also marked the first time in NFL History that saw both an entire division finish with records above .500 (NFC North) and an entire division finish with records below .500 (NFC South). Even went the full distance and had it happen in the same conference for good measure.
I think Maye deserves MVP simply because, while Stafford’s numbers are clearly better, Maye has been more valuable to his team than Stafford has, which is the official definition of the award. Stafford has much better weapons around him and a much better line protecting him, whereas Maye has had to do it with less. Maye has also led a more successful team, winning 2 more games and a division.
That said, Stafford will win not because of his superior numbers, but because people like Stafford and he’s 37, had a great career. And it’s “his turn”. They’ll say Maye’s time will come.
Also numbers.
Unless we have the 1987 situation were the voters were split between Montana and Rice, leading to Elway taking it.
The main problem is that Rodgers will not make the SB, but will be sufficiently encouraged and motivated to publicly and repeatedly torture us for the next 6 months with his indecision about whether or not to retire.
Thanks for drawing my suggestion man!
RE: Giants and Draft Picks. I think the element you’re missing, Dave – at least from my POV – is not that the Giants are going to somehow start drafting competently. It’s simply a #s game. Having MOAR early round draft picks from getting a haul trading down gives us a better opportunity, even if they suck at making picks. I don’t expect them to be GOOD shots, but it’s hard to argue an extra few 1st round picks are somehow a BAD thing.
I’m not going to tear my hair out or club a baby seal over this, but I’m certainly disappointed that even when everything lined up in their favor to get the #1 pick, they STILL dropped the bag and did what they always do… win meaningless games to end the season. I’ve been in this situation before when we lost out on Chase Young. They beat the WTFers and lost out on him, but I think longterm that worked out better for us with Andrew Thomas. So I’ll agree insofar as drafting higher doesn’t always mean better results, and things may be better longterm without the #1 pick, but dude. They could have gotten SO MANY EXTRA SHOTS if they were trading out of the #1 position. It’s hard not to be disappointed in the moment.
Also, yea, Mara looks pretty rough. I can’t fault them for giving him a win, especially if he doesn’t have many left, and they’re doing what you’d expect… beating up on teams with no hope. So I don’t understand fans frothing at the mouth, but I also think it’s understandable why so many are disappointed by their frustrating inability to win unless it f@#%s their draft positioning.
Shoen returning, you have my condolences Dave. 🙁
He deserves it for calling the Ralph a “shitty hole in the ground”
Thinks, “The Texans have won 9 straight and aren’t entering the playoffs riding high?!”
Remembers the Texans’ offense.
Thinks, “OK, yeah, that checks out.”
Congrats to Ka’imi Fairbairn for tying the record for field goals made in a season… despite missing two games and also having to attempt 60% of his FGA from beyond 40 yards.
Pineapples is our offensive MVP
Got to hope he keeps the consistency in outdoors stadiums
I could go either way regarding the Giants game. I wish we had the top pick and could trade down for a haul. But it is good that Dart got another game and was able to beat the Cowboys at home. Always good to see Dallas lose.
It’s just so depressing that sports fandom, like most fandoms and really everything on social media, has gotten so toxic. Even though there was a lot less content I preferred when it was just talking about it with friends and coworkers along with reading the paper. Less hot takes, less anger, less vitriol. Anyway I’ll go yell at some clouds now.
You missed the funniest part of the whole season: since the stat was tracked in *1933*, no team has managed to go the whole season without a defensive interception. Until the Jets this year. Featuring a defense run by Aaron Glenn.
Note that they faced Tua twice, among other bad QBs.
The Bears are going into the Wildcard round having dropped two straight, while the Packers are going in with a four-game losing streak. They also split the regular season games against each other, with the home team winning each time by a one-score margin. This game is going to be a disaster and I can’t wait.
Also RE: Mara and being a living human being. — Last year, Virginia McCaskey, who inherited her team ownership from her family, got to watch the Bears miss the playoffs again. But in Week 18 they defeated the Packers one last time, before she died in February. Also last year, Jim Irsay, who inherited his team ownership from his family, got to watch the Colts miss the playoffs again. But in Week 18 they defeated the Jaguars one last time (in Indy though, not Jacksonville), before he died in May. This year, John Mara, who inherited his team ownership from his family, got to watch the Giants miss the playoffs again. But in Week 18 they defeated the Cowboys, who are “America’s Team” because every time they lose, America wins.
Obviously it’d be dumb to consider that “proof” that anything is going to happen. All I’m saying is, it’s not the worst way to go out. Or Mara will turn into a vampire and prove us all wrong, I dunno.
Texans defense are gonna destroy Rodgers. Still might be a close game.
The playoffs are somewhat open but I can’t see the Panthers, Steelers, Chargers, Packers, or Bears winning 4 games in a row. I could see Eagles or Texans somehow getting to the Superbowl. Hate to say it, but seems like the Seahawks year.
This might be the nicest Dave has been to the Patriots all season. Didn’t include any caveats or anything.
If by miracle Watt gets a ring, will there be a comic about him and Strahan bullying Garrett?
On the contrary, due to the ‘controversy’ of whether or not Brett Favre intentionally slid to ‘let’ Strahan get the record, and how utterly annoyed Strahan is every time it’s brought up, and the number of times he’s practically begged someone to break it so he can stop having to address it… I think the comic should be Strahan jumping for joy in a field of daisies that he’s finally free. Garrett, meanwhile, stands there dumbfounded while Watt slaps a ball’n’chain on his ankle. And the ball can say “NEEDED 17 GAMES TO DO IT” and a crowd of reporters rushing up to him asking if it even counts when he couldn’t do it in 16 games, yada yada.
If you skipped Eagles/Commies you missed an utter wet fart of a game (Philly’s backup CBs are hilariously unplayable) but also the sequel to Kevin Harlan’s “I’M CALLING BOTH GAMES!” masterclass – he was stuck on the CBS Z-team this week and interwove the play-by-play in Philadelphia with continual updates on the Bears’ comeback attempt and eventually the Lions’ game-winner.
List of coaches fired (so far) on Black Monday
ATL: Raheem Morris
GM is out too. Seemed like it was trying make up for passing him up to hire Arthur Smith
AZ: Jonathan Gannon
Poverty franchise stays poverty franchise
CLE: Kevin Stefanski
Worst case is he ends up a coordinator somewhere for a few seasons and then is put in charge for the next reclamation project
LV: Pete Carroll
Years ago the NFL Network did a show called Top 10 and the subject was coaches who belonged in college. Carroll made the cut. This was before him going to Seattle & winning a Super Bowl and coming up one Malcolm Butler jumping the route away from another. A nice redemption story. If this is it, I expect the Seahawks to put him in their Ring of Honor
Still surprised the Irsay Triumvirate is keeping the GM & Coach. I figured collapse from 8-2 to out of the playoffs would give them the justification to wipe the slate clean. All signs point to Anthony Richardson going somewhere else (where? good question).
Kinda surprised that the Bengals are sticking with Zac Taylor but see Cardinals on why. Things could get interesting regarding Joe Burrow. He has a no-trade clause
I saw the Buccaneers are sticking with Todd Bowles. Great… another season where the floor is just missing the playoffs and the ceiling is maybe winning in the Wild Card Game against a team that made their postseason plans on the way to Tampa
The other coaches I’m watching are:
KC: Andy Reid
Not the season the Chiefs expected.
BAD NEWS
Patrick Mahomes’ injury time table. Best case is he is ready to go by Week 1. Worst case is he is not and they have to get a bridge QB to get them through until Mahomes is ready. This is not Reid’s 1st rodeo with having to rely on a backup to save a season (PHI 2003, PHI 2006)
There will be roster turnover. Travis Kelce might hang it up, go on tour with Taylor Swift, and culminate it with him joining Jason in the HOF in 2031. Speaking of which, Reid is definitely HOF if he calls it quits.
GOOD NEWS
Chiefs pick in the Top 10 and can use it to address things like RB & OL
BUF: Sean McDermott
No Chiefs and no Bengals, but someone wished on a Monkey’s Paw and the Patriots are back on top of the AFC East. If the Bills have another Groundhog Day in the playoffs, could there be changes in Buffalo?
LAR: Sean McVay
Seems like him & Stafford are joined at the hip (DON’T DRAW THAT!). Depends on how far the Rams go
PIT: Mike Tomlin
Scuttlebutt has it that Tomlin might hang it up and go into broadcasting. Steelers haven’t won a playoff game since the last days of the Obama administration
PHI: Nick Sirianni
Super Bowl or else. If the Eagles lose a playoff game, Kevin Patullo is at a minimum fired
SF: Kyle Shanahan
Speaking of the Eagles playoff opponent, Shanahan. No Chiefs *AND* the Super Bowl is in their stadium. With the Shanahan, the 49ers have made 4 prior playoff appearances and every time it has resulted in playing in the NFC Championship
BAL: John Harbaugh
Every season in the 2020s, there is like 1 or 2 games where the Ravens have a double digit lead but they can’t close it out. Everyone points the finger at Lamar Jackson but in reality it’s Harbaugh. Did Lamar tell Harbaugh to go for 2 after a TD to make it 21-19 at BUF in the playoff game? Why was King Henry on the sideline in the home loss against the Patriots? Even the SNF game had their share of small plays that eventually cost the Ravens the final AFC playoff spot. I haven’t seen anything that says Harbaugh is out in Baltimore so watch this space
The perfect send off for Rodgers is still in play where the Niners and Steelers make the Super Bowl but Rodgers loses to the Niners AGAIN in the playoffs
You know, he’s been more joke than QB over the last few years, but goddamn watching Rodgers and Jackson duel in Pittsburgh actually was a lot of fun. He will probably go right back to being fucking insufferable, but right now,props to the old weirdo, he was a legitimately great quarterback who can still sling it.
Given the NFC South, I hope you post if you’re still around, “8-9 And Feeling Fine.” This is your username’s moment!
Buddy I don’t know what fans you’re relying on to say the Vikings vibes are rotten but you need to find a new pulse because it’s a good time just vibing over here after beating the packers and finishing ahead of the lions in the division