Doug Martin apparently never went to high school because he doesn’t seem to get how nicknames work. You can’t give yourself nicknames, that makes you a tool, and simply invites people to mock you further with the one you already hate. Doug doesn’t seem to get that the more he tells people to stop calling him Muscle Hamster, the more people are going to call him Muscle Hamster. It’s not like he works in a terribly professional job, he’s surrounded by a bunch of jocks, many of whom still have immature high school boy mentalities. Football has a massive fanbase of similar mentalities. His hatred of Muscle Hamster makes me only want to call him Muscle Hamster even more. Doug has two realistic options right now: accept that people will call him Muscle Hamster and ignore it, hoping it will die down eventually, or OWN THAT SHIT LIKE A MAN. 

Muscle Hamster might not be the most flattering nickname to have, but holy hell, it is such a good nickname. It’s instantly unique, affectionate and disparaging at the same time, it comes with the best possible mental image, and it’s also incredibly marketable. I would buy a Muscle Hamster shirt. I would wear Muscle Hamster gear. I would hashtag #MuscleHamster tweets. Muscle Hamster is a bomb-ass nickname and he should be completely unashamed of it. Most great players never even manage to get their own #brand despite being stars, Doug was practically handed an easy marketing brand on a silver platter by his Boise State teammates and he’s shunning it like a moron. The Bucs don’t get media coverage, and if they do it’s not for him. He’s not a big enough star, and to be perfectly honest I kind of forgot he was even in the NFL until earlier this season, when he had a good game and then called out the NFL on twitter for using the name Muscle Hamster. His nickname has brought him practically his only real recognition! He needs to get on that shit like white on rice, and exploit the hell out of it for that extra dough while he can.

Just own it, Doug. Otherwise you’ll just be sitting there angry while we all still call you Muscle Hamster anyway.

Muscle Hamster.

I wrote a thing about it on Uproxx too

(I’d like to thank my twitter followers for coming up with two of those alternate nicknames, especially Swole Mole, which is just the best goddamn thing ever)