The Draw Play

On Monday night we witnessed possibly, probably, hopefully, the final game of Aaron Rodgers. He has not made any official announcement yet, and quite possibly won’t for some time, depending on how the offseason goes. But the vibes and the rumors seem to indicate that this was it.

Should he do so, prepare for media fluff. Rodgers is a weird guy with a storied career and Hall of Fame legacy. No matter your feelings on the man, he’s a complicated person just like all of us and you can’t sum him up easily. There is a lot to unpack about one of the most polarizing, elite, innovative Quarterbacks of all time. A lot can and will be written about Rodgers. But even the posts that are the most critical of the man will be measured and polite. I am here to be none of that.

This is a hater post. Rodgers apologists vacate now.

Aaron Rodgers is annoying and stupid and has a dumb face. He looks like he perpetually smells like BO mixed with faint small woodland animal urine. Rodgers looks like he showers once a week explicitly because his teammates held an intervention to make him do so.

I don’t know if a more annoying player has existed. Worse people, sure, but more annoying? It’s rare to have a player so irritating that pretty much the entire fandom of a sport finds you insufferable. My most liked tweet of all time (for a while at least, barring one freak viral moment) was a cartoon mocking Rodgers. My most liked skeet on Bluesky is a cartoon mocking Rodgers. The people show up to dunk on this man whenever anything bad happens to him. Nothing brings the world together like watching Aaron Rodgers eat shit. And this is a man who would probably literally eat shit as part of a “health” diet.

He’s such a hypocritical little troll weasel. Nobody in the league would cry more foul about the media and how they twist things and act shitty whilst making every effort he could to be the center of attention within said media. He is the millionaire football player with massive cultural clout and celebrity who was constantly going on podcasts and shows hosted by his industry buddies to cry about how cancelled and silenced he is. He’s up there whining about being “on the right side of history” about a fucking vaccine that he specifically tried to hide his status on. Remember that? Rodgers wasn’t an outspoken anti-vaxxer until his ass got caught.

The slimy little ghee enema enjoyer tried to hide it. Multiple players like Cole Beasley were outspoken from the get go. Rodgers hid his status with careful wording. He knew exactly what shit he was pulling with the “immunized” statement. He was trying to trick the press so nobody would get mad at him because he’s a little bitch boy with a fragile ego who wants attention but only good attention. Then he cried like a baby about how people got mad at him for it. Brother take your damn medicine. Real medicine, not the fungal spores you wipe on your taint in complete darkness to release your chakras.

Rodgers acts like he got cancelled for that shit but if anything he got boosted. While the average person turned on him, a certain subset embraced him and now he’s legitimately a threat to be a politician like his literal brainwormed comrade in essential oils RKF Jr.

He spent most of his career getting embarrassed in the playoffs, then pulled the same shit Favre did with the will he/wont he retirement bullshit. It was enough to turn the city he brought a title to against him. Then he went to the fucking JETS and played baby’s first GM and demanded all of his loyal stooges go with him and it blew up in his face. Now he disses the Jets at every opportunity like he wasn’t the problem. Buddy, do you know how hard it is to come out of a fight with the New York Jets as the less sympathetic party? That shouldn’t be possible! This motherfucker got Mike Tomlin to give up after one year.

I don’t know if his wife is a real person or a ChatGPT anime girl. Rodgers looks like the kinda guy who would drive a cybertruck on a gravel road once to try and claim he is a rugged man of the woods. Rodgers looks like he makes his own beard oil out of the secretions of a porcupine’s anal sweat glands. Those State Farm commercials instantly improved the second they replaced Rodgers with Mahomes, a man with actual charisma. Every state farm ad he ever did was hard carried by everyone else in the commercial.

Rodgers looks like he read Atlas Shrugged once and it “changed his life”. Rodgers probably thinks of himself as a “Body Language Expert”. Rodgers looks like he’d corner you at a party so he could tell you his thoughts about what Dinosaurs really are. Rodgers looks like the kinda guy who took an unlicensed IQ test online once and got a good number and brags about it. Rodgers looks like he knows his astrological sign and his Myers-Briggs classification and judges you on how the two of you are “not compatible”. Rodgers looks like a guy who would say you are poisoning yourself if you drink a soda as he mixes bat guano into his morning smoothie because it helps his blood ph.

I don’t know if Rodgers is going to retire but I can guarantee you he’s going to make it a whole fucking thing so that we all have to hear about his decision-making process. He’s not going to go quietly into his next phase of life, he’s going to drag us kicking and screaming into it with him.

Please, commenters, join me. This is an Aaron Rodgers anti-safe space. Give it to him.