So Who Takes The Crown?
This is a question I saw asked quite a bit over the past few months as Snyder was on his way out. Snyder was the unquestioned king of shit. He contained the winning combo needed to ride that train into history: He was both evil and incompetent. Now that Snyder is gone, who is the worst owner in the NFL?
The answers always contained a variety of owners every time the question was posed, but one name seemed to always rise to the top like the disgusting film you find on gross polluted water in the unfortunate part of the river downtown. Jimmy Haslam.
I will admit, he was definitely probably always my choice too. When I charted all the owners last year by how evil and dumb they are, Jimmy was right up there next to Snyder, as if waiting patiently in the shadow of his sempai. Jimmy made his move to be remembered last year after selling out the entire soul of the Browns to give rapist and assaulter extraordinaire Deshaun Watson the biggest contract at the time. In the process, he alienated the only QB to lead the Browns to a playoff win in two decades and immediately became an enemy of anyone who actually cares about people. It was a move so disgusting that many Browns fans began to distance themselves from the team to a degree, something not even years of failure could do. It doesn’t really help that other teams were in on the bidding, Jimmy still outbid them all, and the other owners are scum too. (As an aside, I saw someone defend Arthur Blank as a great guy in the comments earlier this week, and I would like to take this moment to remind you the Falcons were one of the finalists in the Watson sweepstakes).
The full ramifications of the Watson move have still to play out. He looked like crap last year after almost two seasons out, so here’s to hoping he stays bad. It would complete the move as an iconic moment of evil incompetence, up there with many of Snyder’s worst. But one bad deed doesn’t make an owner the worst. Jimmy has been nothing but a joke for his entire tenure. The Browns are an incompetent franchise with one lucky year so far under his tenure. He drafted Johnny Manziel because of a homeless guy. His company got raided by the FBI. Haslam hasn’t been an owner as long as some others but he’s easily in the running for the replacement.
But I would be remiss if we don’t give some honorable mentions to his challengers. Michael Bidwill of the Cardinals has been making quite the dark horse push lately, with a long record of failure and the recent report cards showing just how cheap and shitty he is. We all know Jerry Jones sucks, but he’s ancient and doesn’t even seem to run the team anymore. Also, as much as I hate to admit it, the Cowboys have not been nearly the failure of Washington or Cleveland in his tenure even without the playoff wins. Gail Benson is largely unappreciated but helping to cover up church crimes is pretty fucking bad and the Saints are getting into their “badly mismanaged” era as we speak. We also have our boy Dean Spanos, an absolute loser, a wimpy putty of a man who got told off by the city of San Diego for his shitty stadium idea so he took his ball and went home to LA…his home being Stan Kroenke’s bitch in a town where nobody cares. If the Chargers manage to blow Justin Herbert’s career as much as they blew Philip Rivers, I think Spanos genuinely competes for the top.
Snyder left some mighty big dumpsters to fill but I think Haslam has it in him to put himself in the pantheon of worst too. Time will tell, as it always does. In the meantime, fuck Jimmy Haslam.
Thank you for reading all my comics this week. I’ve been waiting for the end of Snyder for a long time and it was pretty cathartic to finally send him off. Out of ever comic I ever made of him, I think this remains my proudest takedown (also my grossest!) Nobody ever made me as consistently angry as that guy did, as he was a perfect example of everything institutionally and morally wrong with football, and even our country in general. I hope he’s miserable for the rest of his life. As of now, he’s gone, and I look forward to a new era of shitting on the other bad people who make me mad.
I honestly forgot Atlanta was in the Watson sweepstakes. I remembered it as Carolina, Cleveland and Miami.
the worst part, for me at least, was the whiplash of one day reading we were out of the running, and the next day the trade was basically finalized and we were stuck with this guy nobody actually wanted
Atlanta was the favorite for a while, considering their situation as well as the fact that they were basically Watson’s hometown team. Pretty sure most people thought it was a given until Cleveland swooped in out of nowhere and poached him.
Y’know, I was close to all-in on it going to Ross after the Incognito, Cutler and Flores fiascos, but there’s really no arguing with this.
I’m not sure I’d go with Jimmy to be honest. Besides the Watson thing, what has he done? Run a team badly? That’s not really evil.
I think the city of Cleveland would have a word with that.
I’m kind of in the same boat. He’s a giant capital letter A “A&#&ole” but I’m not sure I would equate that to being the most evil. I hate Deshaun Watson, I think he’s done more than enough to just about destroy all of his credibility, BUT, from the owner’s standpoint, he was cleared of charges. Signing him to a major contract with all of it being guaranteed isn’t evil, just really really really stupid. The whole loading of the contract on the practically-assumed scenario that Watson would be suspended, yea, that is definitely evil.
But I find it hard to believe there’s not an owner out there who hasn’t f-d over their own employees or the fans in a much more major way than “signing a guy that we all know is guilty, but was technically found innocent of being a sex predator.” I’m not saying Haslam CAN’T be the most vile, but Watson alone isn’t doing it for me.
One of my biggest annoyances with Haslam is that he managed to turn Baker S&%tfield into a victim. That dude is a capital A arsehole in his own right, completely overvalued and underperforming, whiny as all hell and massively overexposed in the media. I can’t blame ANY team for trying to figure out how to make him go away. But in his massive stupidity, Haslam made him into both a sympathetic character and a victim. F*%#er.
Jimmy Haslam is also the unindicted leader of the Pilot / Flying J scandal, where his company witheld / kept rebates that were due to fuel purchases. The President of the company got 12 years, the VP of sales 2.5 years. The board of directors admitted criminal responsibility. But CEO Jimmy Haslam didn’t know about it? GTFO.
https://www.knoxnews.com/story/news/crime/2018/11/07/pilot-flying-j-fraud-executives-prison-sentencing-mark-hazelwood/1860423002/
“Pilot Flying J’s board of directors has admitted criminal responsibility and paid a $92 million settlement for the fraud. Pilot CEO Jimmy Haslam has denied knowledge of the scheme and has never been charged. The clock has run out on the filing of charges in the rebate fraud.”
“Besides the Watson thing” lol
Reminds me of “other than THAT, Mrs Lincoln, how’d you enjoy the play?”
Is the Packers bit a reference to what I think it was?
The 1970s really was a dark time for them.
I do happen to have a former coworker who happens to be a Packers fan with multiple rape allegations, so while she may not be an owner, I’ll throw that in the ring.
It appears in the time that this comic was made that Jim Irsay has thrown his hat back into the ring in the most Jim Irsay way possible.
Kinda love Rob Walton getting a nod here despite being so new that he has made no major football decisions just on the sheer weight of Walmart.