This was my attempt to chart each owner based on some cursory research you are about to read below.

I spend a lot of time here disparaging the owners. For good reason! Fuck them! But outside the standouts we all know and despise like Dan Snyder, Jerry Jones, John Mara, Stan Kroenke…how much do you know about some of the lesser-known owners? How much do you know about Michael Bidwell or the Glazers? Besides being billionaires, which is inherently immoral, which ones are possibly acceptable people or have spent less time trampling the rights of the common man in order to gain their fortune? Which ones are in it for the profits and which ones care about their team? Which ones are evil businessmen and which are dopey failsons? Let’s take a bit to examine the current list of owners and lay out their crimes and get to know them a little bit better.

I’m sure in my summary I will forget things or not mention certain problems each owner has, as I’m just one man researching assholes in my spare time and you might know the intricacies of your team’s vile head of state than I will figure out. Please be sure to bring up anything I missed and enlighten the rest of us of their crimes in the comments.

I don’t have to say anything at this point. Dan Snyder is my most common owner target here, for good reason. He’s arguably the most transparently vile human being on this list. He’s not a failson, he made most of his money by being a ruthless businessman and is a first-generation piece of shit owner. I don’t need to list his resume, his controversies are the biggest section of his Wikipedia page. Dan Snyder is a fucknut of the highest order and every day he isn’t hit by a bus is a worse day for the people of earth.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – Low. If his bullshit hasn’t gotten him kicked out yet, I don’t know what could. He’s 57 years old and every step he’s taken has been to exert more control over the team.

I feel most of us also know Jerral Wayne Jones as the evil goblin he is and some might even rank him above Snyder as the worst owner. Jerry is like Snyder if Snyder was more competent and cunning. Jerry is basically an oil baron and evil businessman to the core, but he still comes from money. He’s well known for signing scumbags as long as they play football. He treated Tom Landry, and then Jimmy Johnson, like shit. He openly opposed the anthem protests more than anyone else. He’s been caught with strippers and god knows what other crap he’s done behind the scenes. He’s a control freak who even went to war with Goodell over Zeke’s suspension. He looks like a fucking goblin. The only thing you can really say in his favor is that there’s no doubt he genuinely cares about the Dallas Cowboys, and that passion has directly led to how disappointing they’ve been for 25 years.
WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW – He’s the originator of Personal Seat Licenses and Stadium naming rights. He’s also an owner of 75 Papa Johns locations. He also prefers Pepsi over Coke.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – Jones is a pretty rough looking 79 and it appears at this stage his son Stephen is just as much in control as he is. I think there is a decent chance that in the next decade Jones could croak and leave us with his three fail children in charge.

Mara’s reputation has fallen considerably in the past decade. I’d argue before the collusion scandal where he (the head of the Owners committee) charged Jerry and Dan money for disobeying an unwritten rule to keep cap spending down during the uncapped year, Mara was generally seen as a good owner. The collusion wasn’t a massive issue, as most of us hate Dan and Jerry and liked seeing them suffer, but it was a red flag that Mara sucks. Since then, it’s gotten worse, from how the team handled the Josh Brown fiasco to the general cosmic ineptitude of his hirings since he took over, to the new taunting rule basically being his doing. Mara is almost the perfect failson, a useless dummy who didn’t earn any of his money and who doesn’t seem half as competent as his dad. He doesn’t seem to be an evil businessman though and he does seem to care about the Giants, so really he’s just a stodgy old money dumbass who looks like a great blue heron with a balloon head.
WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW – the Giants are actually 50% co-owned by Steve Tisch, a Hollywood producer guy. So outside the very reasonable chance he worked with Harvey Weinstein he’s actually kinda interesting. He’s also technically a failson like Mara, as his dad was the one who bought into the team, not him. By all accounts, Tisch seems like the better of the two in charge of Big Blue.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF THEM  – as both are old money inheritors, the team will likely stay in their family’s possession after they kick the bucket. Mara is 67, Tisch 73, about average to below average in owner age.

Lurie is probably the least evil owner of the NFC east, and is another movie producer boy. He’s a failson, comes from a very rich family and tried to purchase multiple NFL teams before finally nabbing the Eagles. Lurie doesn’t seem to have any known skeletons that I can find and his worst crimes as an owner have been some meddling and a few poor decisions. The Eagles have largely been quite successful under Lurie. Lurie is also fairly invisible as an owner, he doesn’t nab headlines or come out of the shadows much.
WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW  -He technically has two oscars, as a producer
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – Not terribly high, he’s 70, the Eagles are doing well and nobody seems to think too harshly of him

Rub it out Rob was probably high on the list of “good owners” until we found out about his Tampa Tug job. It was one of those things we all just sort of assume these old rich white men do but having it confirmed, and having it be in a pretty dumpy little spot really made it funny. His massive coverup to keep us from finding out more proved his evil. Kraft is the evil businessman type who is in charge of his own company (Kraft Group) he founded to keep track of all the stuff he buys. He’s into private equity, which should set off all your alarm bells for evil practices and takeovers. For the most part, Kraft likely had a good reputation because he got lucky with Belichick and Brady during his tenure as owner. He’s also been good at keeping his nose out of the business and letting smart people make decisions.
WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT KNOWPutin may have stolen one of his super bowl rings
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – Kraft is 81, higher in age than a lot of the other owners, so he might bite it the next time he’s tugged too intensely.

Heirs to the Johnson & Johnson fortune, both Woody and Chris are easily identifiable failsons. A lot more is known about Woody, who also seems like the worse of the two. Chris came out in favor of players protesting the anthem and offered to pay the fines of any player who got hit with one for protesting. Chris was the main owner of the team from 2017-2021 instead of his older brother, because Woody somehow became the US ambassador to Britain. Woody is a big conservative ghoul who was buddies with Trump, raised all kinds of money for republican political candidates, and likely got the ambassador job because Trump liked handing out gigs to his unqualified friends. Looking at the state of the Jets over the years, both these guys seem pretty bad at football and more interested in making cold hard cash.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – Woody is 75, but Chris is only 62, so the Johnsons are probably going to be around for a while. They’ve owned the Jets since 2000.

Ross is a real estate developer. Do I have to go into detail about how those people are ghouls? Ross seems like a dope when it comes to football as the Dolphins have largely been a pile of shit since he took over. The recent Brian Flores scandal and apparent attempts to woo Tom Brady just made him look evil in addition to stupid. He’s also a big Trump guy.
WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW – Ross and his firm are the people behind the Hudson Yards development in New York City, aka the rich people blocks built around that stupid beehive-looking thing that already featured multiple suicides because apparently nobody at the design firm realized a tall structure with basically zero preventative guards would be an easy place to jump  from.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – Ross is 82 and his main interests seem to lie elsewhere, as the Dolphins seem like a toy to him that makes him money. I think he’s a pretty good candidate for someone who will sell the team within a reasonable timeframe.

Always be wary of any owner who owns multiple sports teams. Owners of multiple sports teams are almost always in it for the dough. The Pegulas also own the Sabres and some minor league teams. These two are currently trying to hustle the city of Buffalo for a new stadium and threatening relocation but the real fun begins when you realize how they got their money. Fracking! He’s worked for oil and natural gas mining so you know he doesn’t believe in climate change. The married couple took over the Bills when Ralph Wilson died in 2014 and seem to view the Bills as a business venture. While the Bills are looking good now, the Sabres…woof.
WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW – When I looked them up Kim is 18 years younger than Terry, and they got married when she was roughly 24 and he was roughly 42. Every relationship is unique and they’ve lasted a while, but that’s the kind of age gap that would make anyone suspiciously squint a little bit.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF THEM – They seem to be heavily invested in a western new york sports empire and are fairly recent takeovers trying to build a new stadium, so they’ll probably be in charge for a while.

Besides having the best name and second-best mustache among NFL owners, Wilf is definitely up there on the evil businessman scale. He took the twin cities to task to pay for his fancy new stadium. He’s a real estate developer and owner of multiple sports franchises. It’s even worse when they own franchises in multiple cities (He also owns the Nashville SC and Orlando City SC). Unlike many owners, we actually know some dirt on ol’ Zygmunt! He and his brother were found guilty of racketeering and fraud, screwing over their fellow real estate development business partners! Swell guys, these Wilfs.
WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW – His parents are Polish Holocaust survivors.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – He’s owned the team since 2005 and already got his new stadium. He’s 72, so I think Zygi will stick around.

A failson (faildaughter?), the eldest child of George Halas. The Halases have basically been The Bears since inception and we don’t know a lot about them otherwise. This is a case of Old Money. The Halases seem fairly hands-off but not particularly smart. She ruined Soldier Field by turning it into a UFO. The Bears also haven’t been particularly great at business.
WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW – Virginia is the longest-tenured owner in the NFL.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HER – She’s 99 years old. She’s gonna be dead any second now and for all we know, already is and is getting the weekend at Bernie’s treatment like Queen Elizabeth. Her family will likely stay in charge of the Bears but since they’ve been a mediocre operation for decades now it might not stick with them.

Faildaughter heir of the Ford (and Firestone!) fortune. Shiela is a fairly new owner as far as control goes as she took over for Martha Ford in 2020. The Lions have been a disgrace of an organization for pretty much their entire tenure so only time will tell if Shiela can fix that mess but she seems to be off to a reasonable start.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HER – Not likely. The Lions have been the Ford family’s plaything for quite some time and since Hamp just took over two years ago, it’ll be a while before we see any changes here.

Obviously, the Packers are unique here. In a way, they are the best ownership situation in the NFL by miles, and something we should all aspire our teams to be. On the other hand, Packers fans are very annoying, so it evens out. The team is operated by a board of directors and currently, former player Mark Murphy functions as the “owner” representative. I couldn’t find any dirt on him.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF THEM – While we will unfortunately never be free of Packers fans, this is a situation that all teams should aspire to reach. We should get more publicly owned teams for all sorts of reasons, including the fact that it’ll get all those cheese fans hemming and hawing about how unique they are to shut the fuck up.

A true failson. Mike Brown is the son of legendary owner Paul Brown and is also very well known for being cheap as shit. He’s the only other owner that functions as General Manager (along with Jerruh) The Bengals have been a joke for most of his run as an owner, but might currently be overcoming that mess, so who knows. They are due for a stadium upgrade but I don’t see Brown moving the team.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – Brown is 86, on the older side of the owners. Considering he’s technically football royalty and his daughter Katie is the vice president, Brown will likely stick around till he croaks but I think the team is sticking with Katie. Katie Blackburn has spent her life in football, so I don’t see her selling.

Lmao. Putting aside the morally bankrupt Watson deal, the Haslams have been a disaster since they took over. He is both a failson, a corrupt businessman, and a moron. His company, Pilot Flying J Truck Stops, got raided by the FBI. He demanded the Browns draft Johnny Manziel because a homeless guy told him to. The football mistakes the Browns have made have been the stuff of legend, from the Sashi Brown mess to Freddie Kitchens to Hue Jackson. Just a smorgasbord of laughs from this dope. Dee Haslam is also a faildaughter, so don’t let her off the hook.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF THEM – The Haslams are on the younger sides of ownership (67 and 68) so in terms of age they aren’t a risk. They are also new owners, which likely points to them sticking around for a while. But the Haslams have been such a disgrace so far that I wouldn’t put an early sale past them.

Probably considered one of the “good” owners. The Ravens have been a very well-run organization since Steve took over from Fart Model (Shart Modell?). He’s not a failson but a successful ground-up businessman in charge of Allegis Group, a talent management firm. Seems like running a talent management firm translates into picking the right people for the job. He seems fairly hands-off with the Ravens. I couldn’t find any real dirt on him.
WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW – Steve grew up in my hometown of Severna Park, a sleepy nothing suburb of Baltimore that has somehow spawned an NFL owner, multiple professional baseball players, and my dumb ass.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – Steve is only 62 despite owning the Ravens since 2000. I don’t see him going anywhere. As far as owners go, he seems like a top 3 case.

Old Money. Like John Mara or the Halases and Fords, this is just the current owner in a long line of family football ownership. He’s run the team since 2003. The Steelers are a well-run organization and the family seems to have no other interests. Art also seems mostly hands-off, letting smart people do smart things.
WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW – This is actually fairly well known, but in case you didn’t, Art Rooney and John Mara are related by family marriage and that is where the actresses Rooney Mara and Kate Mara come from. Talk about privileged children.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – The Rooneys aren’t going anywhere and I doubt anyone in Pittsburgh wants them to.

Passing knowledge of Blank made me think he was one of the better owners. Players seem to like him. He clearly cares about the team. The Falcons spent a billion dollars on a new stadium, but it’s actually pretty cool? And they notably price their concessions much better than they need to. But the public still paid for the Goatse Dome and suffers under the cost of PSLs. Blank is a businessman who made his money being the co-founder of Home Depot, and Home Depot has it’s share of big store exploitation stories, although Blank retired from the job in 2001. It seems like Blank might be a decent person as far as billionaires go, but that’s a low bar.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – Blank is 79, so he’s up there, but he also seems invested in Atlanta sports (he also owns the MLS team). He’s probably sticking around for the next decade.

He’s a hedge fund manager who reportedly had brass balls on his desk. He seemed like an upgrade from the old anti-players union pervert that was Jerry Richardson, but now? He just seems like a dipshit businessman with no idea what he’s doing. He’s currently being sued by the state of South Carolina. Mr Brass Balls had his real estate company declare bankruptcy. He gave Matt Rhule 7 years and millions to suck total ass and trade for Sam Darnold. Tepper doesn’t seem to get football and seems like your average businessman in the game for the dough. He might still be better than Richardson, but it doesn’t feel like a good upgrade.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – He’s “Owner Young” and just bought the team not long ago, he’s not going anywhere anytime soon.

Gayle took over the Saints after Tom Benson (a buttmunch) died. True to their religious name, the Saints helped cover up sex crimes by the Catholic Church. That alone rockets them towards the upper tiers of evil owners. She ran an interior design business that got served 18 times. She got accused of racism. She inherited the team and Tom’s fortune after Tom had a falling out with his family. Some skeletons are falling out of the closet here.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HER – She’s 75, midrange, but since the Benson family had the dramatic falling out, I think there is a reasonable chance she sells the team when things go poorly now that the golden age for the team is likely passed. Might not be immediately, but this smells like another down-the-road sell.

The ownership of the Bucs is between a whole slew of Glazers since Malcolm Glazer died. So, a whole room full of failsons. The Glazers are probably better known for their ownership of Manchester United. Their reputation on that front is very poor, and if you google reasons why the Glazers are bad, almost all of it is stuff about ManU. Most of the Glazers evil though is just inherited trickle-down evil from the late Malcolm. Seems like he was in it for the money all along and I assume the kids are too.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF THEM – right now, ownership is split between 6 Glazers. I assume that number will cull itself over time, but the kids are young for owners. The Bucs just won a championship and upped their value so it’s not an immediate threat to sell at all, but I doubt all 6 stay owners over the next decade. My guess is the family will slowly split between the two franchises, and the losers of the bunch focus on the Bucs, who are less valuable.

Possibly the de-facto failson example. Irsay got all his dough from his daddy, best known as the owner who fucked over Baltimore in the mid-80’s and skipped town on the Mayflower truck. He’s had public battles with addictions and other problems and seems like a dope. However having a personal pill problem isn’t on the same level as covering up church sex crimes or anything Dan Snyder has done, and the team has largely performed under him. He loves the Colts (to be fair, it’s all he knows, he ain’t no businessman). The Andrew Luck injury coverup situation was pretty messed up though.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – Irsay is only 62 and has been at the helm since he was 37. He’s not going anywhere unless he manages to find a way to piss away all his money on something stupid, which I wouldn’t put past him.

Khan is a businessman and as time goes on, it’s clear he doesn’t care much about the Jaguars beyond them being an investment. If he does, man, is he dumb. Khan came into the league as a likable guy (for an owner) and has only looked worse and worse as time goes on. At first it seemed like he didn’t care enough about the team. Then he sold out for Urban Meyer, which ended up being the worst coaching hire in NFL history. He decided to keep Trent Baakle and a huge portion of the fanbase started portraying him as a clown. He made his money selling car bumpers and that very company has come under fire for workplace violations and environmental failures.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – He’s only been the owner for a decade and he has a lot of money invested in various teams and sports, so he’s likely to stick around and also help his son run All Elite Wrestling. A future failson doing wrestling instead might force a sell down the road, but I don’t see it happening soon.

Bud Adams would be high on the list of evil owners but thankfully he’s dead now. Amy is the faildaughter in charge. They need a new stadium soon, so things might go sour, but the fanbase, in general, seems okay with her from what I could tell. She seems more active in actually promoting the team, which they sorely need.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HER – I’m always leery of recent generational handoffs. Failsons might not be as equipped or interested in running a team, but Amy seems to be doing a reasonable job at this point.

This little research project has showed me that actually a lot of evil olds have died in the past half-decade. Tom Benson, Bud Adams, Malcolm Glazer, Martha Ford, Ralph Wilson. Far more ladies in charge than I realized. It makes it hard to judge how evil they are since they haven’t been in charge long and spoiled failchildren and spouses don’t have the ruthless business history tracks to look up. One thing is for sure, with the recent news of how the Texans covered up the DeShaun Watson stuff and how badly that franchise has tailspinned in the past few years, Janice doesn’t deserve a good rep. Janice is Bob’s wife, so at the very least she thought he was worth marrying, which doesn’t seem great.
WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW – Another thing I’ve noticed is that on a lot of Wikipedia pages for these folks, it makes note of their philanthropy, and it usually amounts to paltry dollars to a billionaire as courtesy money to generic causes. In fact, Janice donated 5.5 million to a cause, and it is apparently one of the largest NFL owner donations ever. That’s…pathetic.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HER – McNair is 85 and Cal McNair, her son, already runs the team to the point where most people probably think he’s the owner. So she might not last long, but presumably, Cal will be next in line to suck ass. Cal probably had more to do with the Watson coverup too, so the Texans will likely be downgrading when Janice passes.

Chalk another one up to a recent old death, Bill Bidwill was in charge of the Cardinals from the 60’s till his death in 2019. Considering the Cardinals are the most woeful team in the league as far as franchise history is concerned, that’s not a point in his favor. Michael is the new failson in charge. He is a Trump guy, but I assume most owners are. He was a federal prosecutor, judge that how you will. It’s just hard to accurately judge failchildren as you don’t know if the crimes of the father were necessarily crimes of the child.
WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW – Behind the Bears and Giants, the Cardinals have been owned by one family longer than any other team. It’s astounding to be rich, you can run the lamest franchise in sports for 80 years with no real success to show for it and still be filthy rich and doing just fine.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – Unlikely. The Cardinals are the family business and he’s a new owner.

Another recent takeover was due to death. Paul Allen was her brother, and there’s not a whole lot I can find on Jody. I do know you could possibly blame a lot of the recent Trail Blazers drama with Chauncey Billups and Neil Olshey on her. She’s also been a producer on some movies, mostly small dramas you haven’t heard of. There is some dirt on the company she operated (Vulcan), and she was accused of sexual harassment, settled, and stepped down. I want to applaud Allen for breaking the glass ceiling and showing that ladies in power can also abuse people.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HER – Very high. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the next transfer of ownership in the league via sale. She doesn’t seem interesting in running the teams (Blazers and Seahawks) like her brother was. Bezos has been a rumored buyer of the Hawks pretty much since Paul died, though that might be just wonton speculation due to proximity.

Ah, here’s a good one for the acid bath. Kroenke owns a lot of sports franchises (The Nuggets, Avalanche, Arsenal, plenty more) and was the bastard behind the move from St Louis to LA where he then went and became Dean Spanos’s landlord. Kroenke is the big evil businessman and also failed upwards by marrying a Walmart heir. As far as evil sports tycoons go, he’s one of the worst.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – Unfortunately low, especially with the Rams winning it all recently.

Contrary to what we might remember, Jed York isn’t actually the owner of the 49ers. Yet. Presumably, he will be soon enough. Denise owns the team mostly because Eddie DeBartolo went and did himself some white-collar crime and now can’t operate as owner. Since Jed York is basically the operator of the franchise and Denise is barely there, it’s hard to judge her directly.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HER – It’s only a matter of time before Jed York is officially in charge.

A failson, a dipshit, and a loser! He took over the team from his dad, so he didn’t earn shit. He never managed to make the Chargers much of a name despite general team success in a very populous city. He couldn’t strongarm San Diego into a new stadium and quite possibly didn’t even genuinely try, just let the situation rot before slinking away to Los Angeles to become every LA resident’s 5th favorite local team. Stan Kroenke is his landlord. Spanos is apparently a bad businessman too, because despite the team gaining value in the move, his sister is now suing him saying he’s put the family in debt and has to sell. Imagine screwing over one city to become sloppy seconds in a different city and losing control anyway. Dean Spanos is a tremendous loser.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – Well, if his sister is right and the family is in financial trouble, maybe we will be rid of him sooner than expected! Too late for San Diego, but it would be a bit of sweet justice.

Our newest addition to the owners circle. A failson AND corrupt evil businessman. He’ll fit right in.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – I don’t think his sale is even official yet, so unless they find the bodies, it’s going to be a long time.

Hunt isn’t very well known or spoken about much but he ticks all the boxes on the owner resume. Failson? Check, he’s the son of Lamar Hunt, the Chiefs founder, who was the son of an oil tycoon. Owns multiple sports franchises? Yeah, he’s into soccer, owning Dallas FC. Scummy business resume past? Well, he was an investment banker at Goldman Sachs for a bit, so you tell me. In terms of making good choices for the franchise, he’s been successful, but he also was okay with drafting Tyreek Hill, Kareem Hunt, and signing Frank Clark. He’s not the worst on this list, but there’s plenty to side-eye here.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – Extremely low. He’s young, and the Chiefs are the family business.

Carol is Al’s widow and mostly just stays out of it, so Mark is the defacto owner here. Honestly, before the Las Vegas move, Mark was probably up there on the list of semi-respectable owners. He’s a failson, sure, but Davis had his pioneering good points and Mark was the least wealthy of all the owners. In fact, since the only recent number I can find is from 2015, he’s not actually a billionaire. That’s likely due to Carol still being alive and not yet passing her wealth down, so don’t get excited. But Davis is a weird guy, with his weird hair and love for Hooters. He’s spoken out against domestic abuse issues but also hired Jon Gruden so…eh? He seems to generally be on the right side of the flag protest issue, and he’s called for the release of the DAN SNYDER report while the other owners want to keep it hidden. He might not be great at finance, but outside the relocation of the team to Vegas and all the distaste that comes with such a thing, he’s actually not too bad.
CHANCES WE WILL BE RID OF HIM – I actually would have listed him higher risk to sell because he doesn’t seem great at financials, but the Vegas move likely helped him out and the Raiders are a family business, so unless he goes broke after momma dies, he’s gonna be the guy.

So there you have it. The current owners of the NFL. Some are truly evil. Some were born into evil and don’t know anything else, and others wanted in. Some are semi-decent people. All of them are old. If you have any stories to share, please do.