I’ve sat on the sidelines long enough as many of my peers have gotten into the advanced analytics game. It’s time for me to enter the world of football charts. I bring you the first of many pointless graphs that I can point to and say “see I’m right about (personal minor stat I put too much faith in)”.

Our first stat: David Tepper is the most testicle owner in the NFL. You may have already believed this, but now you have visual data to prove it that you can share with your friends. When one of them goes “Michael Bidwell is such a cheap piece of shit, the biggest dick in the league” you can link them this chart and go “but he doesn’t have the wrinkled, worn texture of leathery skin that sits in the basement of sweaty tighty boxer briefs” that David Tepper has. You may have a Bengals fan tell you that “Boy, Mike Brown sure looks like a fucking testicle” and you know what, they’d be right, maybe no man on earth looks more like a testicle than Mike Brown. But does Mike Brown throw drinks at fans or walk into bars and take off strangers’ hats just because he’s got some beef with a mild marquee outside? No. David Tepper once owned a pair of brass balls that he kept on his desk. David Tepper IS testicles. He looks like a testicle. He acts like a testicle. If you twist him around, it really hurts.

I’m gonna be honest here and just admit this entire thing is an excuse to shit on David Tepper. Two years ago I did a semi-deep dive on all the owners and rated them based on how evil they are, so if you want details on some of these monsters, be sure to read that post first. It’s slightly outdated since it was the final year of Dan Snyder but Josh Harris really hasn’t done anything notable yet in terms of being evil. At least that I’m aware of at this time. Since that post we haven’t really had too many developments that would swing the owners one way or another. Jim Irsay became more unhinged and did some weird stuff in the past year. Robert Kraft has been acting kinda petty about Belichick behind the scenes apparently too.

So this chart is less about what sort of evil the owner is, but more about how dickish they are. If I met them in public and was courteous, how likely do they seem to be a testicle to me? I may be very wrong about a few of these, I have not met nor know too much about most of these people as people and some of you may know more, but as with most things Draw Play, we go by vibes. If you have had a good interaction with one of these owners or a bad one, do tell.

Last year after Snyder sold the Commies I made a comic about which owner should take his throne. I settled on Jimmy Haslam, because he’s an evil businessman and a terrible owner who makes dumb decisions like giving a sexual predator the most money in NFL history (hamstringing his team in the process). I might have picked too soon. David Tepper is going for the spreedrun record on the Dan Snyder Any% worst ownership run. He’s evil, he’s a douche, and he’s incompetent! That’s the Snyder combo! He’s got all the ingredients! Lets run this shit back, shall we? He’s fired a frankly absurd number of coaches already for his short tenure, coaching decisions he made, like giving Matt Rhule a billion dollars and hiring Frank Reich and then meddling with his every choice. He was apparently behind the Bryce Young trade/pick, which has so far been an absolute disaster. He threw a drink at a fan. His most recent and most testicle act came at draft time when he paid a visit to a restaurant that had a marquee outside critical of him. I don’t know what was said in that interaction, but I do know that Tepper took the hat off the man’s head at the start of the conversation. He’s lucky to be a billionaire who could buy and sell the place, because anyone lesser than that would have gotten a swift right hook. You don’t take another man’s hat off. Fuck that. He could have been the nicest guy in the world during that talk but you don’t take another man’s hat off. Incredibly disrespectful bullshit power move crap. Testicle behavior.

I mean, we know this guy is a testicle, he’s always been a testicle, he will soon die a testicle. Every year he doesn’t die makes him look more like a testicle. His motto of “all in” this year is amazing because he performed with the stamina of an old impotent goat.

I actually feel like Jim Irsay is kind of a wildcard in whether or not he’d be nice if we met. With his substance abuse and his mental problems he might be an absolute nightmare to be around when he’s not of sound mind, but he might be kinda fun and nice to you if he was in a good state at the time. His behavior around the Jeff Saturday stuff last year made him look pretty bad.

Kraft was a big reason why the Falcons didn’t go with Bill Belichick this offseason. That seems super petty! You had the greatest coach of all time in your employ, you could have moved on more gracefully than this. Also a reminder that he pays for happy endings. He doesn’t seem like he’d even acknowledge you if you met him in person.

Ask anyone in San Diego how much of a testicle Spanos is and you’ll have a fun time watching them get very angry.

Can you make a more testicle football decision than forcing out the best QB your team has had in 30 years for a different QB who is a massive sexual predator, kneecapping your team in the process, and then defending the decision over and over again? Jimmy seems like the kinda guy who has never listened to the opinion of a single woman in his life.

He seems like he’d treat you like common filth for being a lousy poor if your bank account didn’t have at least 8 zeros in it.

He just looks like he smells but everyone around him is too afraid to tell him because he’ll fire you for suggesting his musk isn’t enchanting.

Stanny boy seems like he’d happily shake your hand and pose for a picture with you and make it look like he cares about the common fan. Then as soon as you leave, he hires a goon to blacklist you from the stadium for getting near him, and he has your car towed.

He’s got the look of the kind of testicle who’d mock you by repeating anything you said to him back in a vindictive shitty annoying voice and then laughing at himself for how funny he thinks he is. If you say anything critical you are banned from the stadium for life.

Clark Hunt definitely lets his security goons shove you out of the way.

Some of them will be the worst sports fans you will ever meet. Some will be decent people. The curse of the collective. As a whole though, probably more testicle than not. Shrunken and shriveled from the cold.

You simply do not exist to him.

Incredibly dickish, but mostly just fighting with each other over family bullshit and ignoring you.

Seems personable and fun at first, but then you realize he just likes listening to himself talk and doesn’t see you as a person but a cute pet he can chatter past. Thinks you are The Help.

Has the meat sweats and always smells vaguely like beef. Seems nice at first, but then his aide makes a snide remark about your appearance and he guffaws then walks off talking more shit like you can’t hear him.

Stuck up and full of stodgy old man opinions but he’d probably be polite to you and even generous if you say the right thing about how much you just respect the New York Giants organization. If you are nice to him he will be nice to you. If you are rude he will be petty.

Doesn’t tip. Just look at him you know he doesn’t. If you call him on it, he’s got a whole damn screed about it memorized to throw in your face.

Thinks she’s hot shit, exceptional Karen energy. Thinks you are gross. Definitely emotionally abuses her secretary.

Talks like the wife of a mega-church pastor. Southern nice, in that she’ll be kind and gracious and tell you how wonderful it just is to meet you and how god smiles upon you but that’s all just that classic southern masking of exceptional hostility.

Honestly pretty nice and chill but she’s vindictive if you cross her. The Titans have also been very petty and dickish to Houston, wearing Oilers throwbacks against the Texans and trying to fucking copyright the colors of the Oilers just so Houston can’t do anything with them for uniforms. You aren’t even the Oilers anymore nor utilize that scheme now, fuck off. The Oilers logo? Sure, it’s yours. The name? I guess that’s yours too. A basic color scheme? Let Houston have a fucking shade of blue. You don’t own BLUE.

He’s happy to meet a fan, but gets kinda sheepish. Promises to do something for you, but doesn’t follow through.

He’s like that one friend in every group who nobody really likes but is also kinda harmless. He always chimes in during conversations to add nothing, story tops you, and eats off your plate. Thinks he’s big and tough and smart but he’s a total momma’s boy who squeaks if you poke him.

Will 100% hang out with you but there’s a weird vibe to him, like he keeps wanting to show off a little bit and seems weirdly insecure so he gets pushy trying to make everyone have more “fun” then they want.

Grunts. Smells. Pops several pills you don’t know what for. Shakes your hand and walks off without saying anything coherent.

Very nice man. Almost gentlemanly. Impeccable fashion. Smells delightful. Will never hang out with you because he still thinks of you as a peasant.

Thanks you for not giving up and sticking by the team. Promises that great things are in store. Will happily pose for a picture with a genuine smile. Doesn’t have much time to chat beyond that but wishes you well and says “Go Lions”.

Gives you a smile and a thumbs-up but doesn’t really talk to you.

Says “Go Birds” and softly chuckles to himself then walks off.

Calls you sweetie, gives you a piece of candy, appears to think you are her great-grandson. Extremely nice and smells kind of like a high school science lab, like she’s being kept alive with weird chemicals.

Seems serious but then makes a weird dad joke that removes the tension. Gives you a strong firm handshake and goes about his day.


The Testicle Index shall be updated as further testicle details emerge. The Testicle Index can also be used to chart players, coaches, and fanbases!


Next week is going to be NFL Uniform update week since like 5 of those dropped right before the draft. May as well get all the Nike Designer comics done at the same time.