Philip Rivers Has No Protection
It’s almost remarkable how seemingly all of the Chargers major injuries seem to happen to the offensive line, two years in a row now. The Chargers are a confusing mess right now. They show signs of extreme competence yet can’t seem to get it together completely, and the injuries don’t help.
Anyway that’s not what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to talk about Philip Rivers future appearance on Hoarders as a baby collector. He’s got an 8th child coming along right now. 8th Child. Philip Rivers is 33 (about a month away from 34) and will have 8 children. Even for a devout Roman Catholic that seems absurd. Families used to have 8 kids back in the days when you were expected to lose a couple on the way to polio or whatever. 8 Children. I wonder if his wife even remembers what it’s like to not be pregnant.
Rivers has known his wife Tiffany since 7th grade and the two are presumably the same age (couldn’t find the info for sure). They got married while Rivers was a freshman at NC State. By the time he was entering his third year he already had his first kid. His first child was a daughter named Halle, born on July 6th 2002. It got me wondering about weird statistics. Get ready for bad math about inappropriate subjects!
Tiffany is 34 (assuming). She has had 7 kids and is due for another. Assuming each child was 9 months of pregnancy, she has been pregnant for 63 months of her life (excluding current pregnancy). They announced the expected 8th child early August, so add at about 3 months to that total for 66 months. If we consider Tiffany exactly 34 acting like she just turned that age (which is likely wrong) she’s been alive for 408 months. 66 of 408. 16.18% of Tiffany Rivers life (roughly) has been spent pregnant. That’s kind of insane. That number is incrementally going up right now. For even more fun, lets remove all the months when she wasn’t married, since both of them are very devout and waited until marriage to start their baby factory. They got married in May 2001, so from then till today has been basically 173 months. 66 months out of 173 months is a 38% pregnancy rate. She’s been pregnant for 38% of her married life. So over a third of her now 14 year marriage has been spent pregnant. Goddamn.
Mad respect, Tiffany. Every woman I’ve ever known who has been pregnant has horror stories about what it does to their bodies and how it made them feel, and this woman has done it now eight times. I hear every pregnancy is different too, so even though she probably has it down to a science it must still wreak havoc on her somehow.
Knowing how emotional Rivers gets on the field I have to imagine temper tantrums in the Rivers household are a thing to behold.
EDIT: Literally 2 days after this comic goes live Rivers latest kid, a girl named Claire, is officially born. So I guess Tiffany was pretty far along when she announced it back in August. All this does is take the %up a small notch. I eagerly await his ninth child, so that he can field a full baseball team.
My wife has some very odd medical conditions (won’t go into the details), but she LOVED 2/3 of being pregnant– we’d have 5 or 6 kids by now if her conditions hadn’t made pregnancy screw up her heart. We also aren’t Roman Catholic. I know a lot of women who love pregnancy– the thing that stops them from having more babies is money, but that’s not really a concern for the Filip Des Rios.
Anything else about Jean Claude Van Dan Campbell’s chunky NimDonkeyKong SuhNami
*tweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet*
HOLDING, OFFENSE, CARDBOARD BOX. TEN YARD PENALTY, REPEAT SECOND DOWN.
JON GRUDEN: this is great, mike! the san diego chargers have been decimated by injuries on the offensive line, but cardboard box is really stepping up and answering the bell! watch him pull to the right side of the formation and spring melvin gordon for a nine yard run on 2nd and 8! this kid went totally undrafted, mike! showed up to training camp full of spare footballs on a uhaul truck, but the chargers needed help on the offensive line, and boy are they getting it! i think we’re lookin’ at an early candidate for the gruden grinder here, mike.
Jon, are you sure you don’t smoke crack with Johnny Football?
For all you know it could be Solid Snake in there.
“Otacon.”
“What’s up, Snake?”
“I’m in a box, and some guys in uniforms are running past me.”
“Well, there’s nothing unusual about that, is there?”
“No, it’s different. Their uniforms are brightly-colored and don’t offer any tactical advantage whatsoever. And with how big they are, there’s no way these are normal soldiers.”
“An offshoot of the Genome Soldiers?”
“The Genome Soldiers? …No, they don’t look genetically modified. Just…roided up.”
“Do you think they’re trouble?”
“Not one-on-one. They’re unarmed, and their hand-to-hand technique is…rough. There’s a lot of them though, I wouldn’t be able to take them all on.”
“Alright, stay hidden then. Report back when you have more information.”
“!!!”
“Snake, what’s wrong?”
“There’s more of them than I thought! They’re…they’re patting the back of the box!”
“Patting?”
“Now they’re congratulating me. I…I think they think the box is one of them.”
“They’re confusing a box for one of their comrades? I guess they’re not all that bright, are they Snake?”
“There’s more. These soldiers look just like the last ones, except they’re wearing different uniforms. The ones from earlier were wearing orange, these soldiers are wearing blue.”
“Orange and blue?”
“It’s a really nice shade of blue, too. It looks like powder. Might try and get some shirts in it when I get back.”
“…Uh-huh. Snake, it sounds like you may have walked in on a civil war.”
“A civil war, huh?”
“Well, the two sides look identical, so they’re probably from around the same place. That would also explain the bright uniforms. Can’t tell your friends from your enemies otherwise.”
“Right…”
“Snake, stay hidden and keep observing. There’s no telling how the blue soldiers would react if you dropped your disguise all of a sudden. We need to know what we’re getting into before we take any action.”
“Got it. Thanks Otacon.”
This just made my Day!
Bravo Dave.
Bravo.
None of those kids will ever win anything 🙁
They gonna grow up thinking monmy’s surname before she married daddy was Ringless.
For this day and age, eight is quite a family. But, taking absolutely nothing away from Tiffany Rivers, for yesteryear, that many would only have been a little above average, maybe, for some parts of the country. My dad was one of nine that lived to adulthood. However – my mother was one of twenty.
My maternal grandmother, Adah Rich, was born in 1902. She had her first child, my uncle Clifton, in 1921. My uncle Kelly, the last, was born in 1948. There were 19 pregnancies (one set of twins), and all lived to adulthood. Very roughly and just for comparison, by the time she was Tiffany’s age, she had 11 children and was pregnant with the 12th. At the time of birth of her last child, she was 46: (19 x 9) ÷ (46 x 12) = 171 months pregnant ÷ 552 months alive = 30.1% of her life pregnant. At the time of her death in 1984 (and 36 years after the birth of her last child!): 171 months pregnant ÷ 984 months alive = 17.4% of her life pregnant.
Your joke about Phillip Rivers is “no protection”. My mother’s family joke is: my grandfather was deaf; he couldn’t hear her say “no”. And by the way, they weren’t Catholic.
Who wants to be that Rivers’ kids will end up like Archie Manning’s kids?
You mean giant doofuses?
Pretty good odds there.
If you assume she breastfed each of those kids for the APA recommended one year (likely wrong), then that’s a lot more time that she was sharing her body/calories with another human. My wife is currently at 32% of our 4+ year marriage being pregnant but we’re likely done after two.
Announcing their pregnancy in August meant she was already at least a month pregnant at that point. So it’s actually a total of 67 months and a ~39% pregnancy rate
Rivers thinks he is growing his own offensive line from scratch.
Not a very wise plan, but what do you expect from an NC State graduate?
If Rivers had chosen baseball, this would be his walk-up song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUspLVStPbk
Eldest of nine kids checking in here. Get this, too: my mom didn’t have me until she was 29. My youngest sister is nine years old. No twins, no adopted, you do the math.
It takes a seriously special kind of family to be able to pull off that many kids. Bravo to the Rivers.
Rivers is a 11-5 quarterback on a 5-11 team. As a Broncos fan with distinct memories of him mocking us on the sidelines during the last game of the most embarrassing 8-8 season ever, I am pleased with this.
Well TLC has a time slot that needs to be filled.
Every year the announcers announce at some point that Rivers is expecting a baby during his game.
They announced kid number 8 in April, not August, and is apparently due any day. So your total is about 6 months short.
Dave, what is your opinion on Jim Bob Cooter? Great man or greatest man?
Rivers is actually only a fired up guy on the field. He’s much different with his family, according to close friends and teammates. He’s still kind of loud, and a riot to be around, but even on the field, he’s just emotional and really into the game. All players express their joy and frustration differently. Big Ben likes to bottle it up and release it via sexual assault, Peyton Manning directs it to his forehead and media whoring, Tom Brady headbutts his teammates and pays off TV crews to not display him in any manner that isn’t cool, calm, and collected Mr. Bundchen, and other QB’s like to drink, do drugs, or scream into the tub when they’re in an ice bath. The vast majority of opposing players have the utmost respect for Rivers because he’s genuine. A hard quality these days. Besides, I’m sure that after years of crappy coaching, teammates screwing up your successes, and being surrounded by miserable talent, you’d be pretty emotional on the field too.
Not sure if anyone else mentioned this already but you’re one kid short! #8 came recently!