CHAOS REPORT WEEK 10: THE GIANTS DROP DA BOLL
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–This was a weird week. The primetime games? No chaos. Raiders/Broncos was an unwatchable dumpfest and the Broncos are this year’s Chiefs, getting by entirely on dark magic voodoo they don’t deserve. Steelers/Chargers? The Steelers just came out totally flat. Aaron Rodgers misery always hits but that was about the only reason to watch this game. The week ended with a defensive slog of a snoozer with Green Bay and Philly doing their best to not get first downs.
The later slate on Sunday was also pretty devoid of enjoyment as it was just a bunch of blowouts. The Lions came into DC and blew up the Commanders, and the only chaos was Amon Ra-St Brown getting decked after pointing to Trump in the booth and doing his stupid dance even as most of the stadium booed the man. I wonder where all the keep politics out of sports people are now? I digress; it’s not like pointing out that hypocrisy has ever worked.
The Seahawks clobbered the Cardinals. The 49ers briefly made it interesting against the Rams before the Rams decided to stop playing with their food and sprayed the pests with Raid.
The real chaos of this week was isolated to the early slate on Sunday, as well as the Berlin game. Sunday got off to a stupid start that has me once again confused by what the Falcons are. I’m also growing suspicious of the Colts, who needed a comeback late in the game and overtime to actually stomp the dirty birds out. Congrats to Jonathan Taylor, who is having the season of his life.
Pretty much every early game on Sunday was stupid. The Saints, a mess of a team giving Shough his second start on the road against a surprising Carolina team, managed the upset. Panthers stud Rico Dawdle got a TD on the first Panthers drive and then the Saints sold out to stop him, forced Bryce Young to win the game with his arm, and…well. I’m not high on Bryce Young for a reason. That pick directly led to the Saints nail on Carolina’s coffin. The Saints weren’t even good. The Panthers just proved they are fraudulent.
The Dolphins, however, showed up. Buffalo did not. I’ve been far too kind to Buffalo this season because it’s not the first time the McDermott Bills have had these dumb lapses only to recover and make a playoff push. They might even do it again. But this team feels broken. The Bills are fraudulent as hell.
The Vikings continued to be a mess. JJ McCarthy is playing bad football, but don’t say that online or you get swarmed by the newest contingent of QB stan weirdos who are determined to yell at you for it. He is currently in the “just wins games” territory of the argument, having two wins over division rivals in games where he still mostly played bad football. McCarthy has plenty of time to develop and I’m not calling him a bust, too early for that, but early returns are yikes and the fanboys are making it very hard to root for him. But even then, you can’t fully blame McCarthy for this loss. The Vikings were a disaster.
Bucs/Patriots lived up to billing and Drake Maye is the truth. The Patriots are pretty good, even if still a bit suspicious. The Bucs are missing a number of key players and with them the game probably swings the other way.
Also, the Bears/Giants game. Another winnable game lost in the 4th through incompetence. Jaxson Dart is going to die. But…
GIANTS CORNER
–Yeah, uh, I think I’ll just save this rant for the comic later this week
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–For most of this season the Texans have been flirting heavily with Most Unwatchable Team every week. They are a strong contender for unwatchable winner of the season (a reminder of my criteria for this is not the worst team, but the team that brings out the fewest emotions and is also bad. A team that you don’t even get any enjoyment from their suffering, you just want to watch anything else). The Texans offense is sputtering and broken. The defense is alright but not outstanding. The combo makes for a boring viewing experience if you aren’t emotionally invested in the Texans or their opponent to begin with.
However. This week, for one quarter, the Texans proved delightful. Stuck with Davis Mills since Stroud is hurt, and down 19 points in the 4th, the Texans went nuclear and managed to score the go-ahead points on a wild scramble with 30 seconds left. If that was the way the game ended, I might have had to debate a little bit to see who deserved this slot (Jets/Browns was very funny to me). But then the Texans went and added the little cherry on top with a Thicc-6 fumble/pick to end the game. *chefs kiss*
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–The Jets did something I’m not sure has happened before. They ran back a kickoff, then forced a 3 and out by Cleveland, and then returned the punt for another TD. Two touches, two scores.
-Nick Sirianni is a good coach. But then he does stuff like chuck it deep into double coverage to AJ Brown on 4th down giving the Packers good field position to get back to tie it up, and you wonder how anyone can have faith in this man. Give this idiot a worse roster and he would be STINKY
-I didn’t double check, but I dont think any 49er was lost for the season this week. Correct me if I am wrong.
THE VIBE CHECK
– Sometimes, from the ashes, good vibes can emerge. Miami lost horribly last week, fired GM Chris Grier, and came out swinging like a new team against Buffalo. Does this look like a 3-7 team to you? Sometimes you just find joy in a hopeless place.
-The Giants vibes would be in “deeply rotten” but then they fired Daboll. Since they didn’t fire Schoen or Bowen or anyone else though, the vibes merely improve to bad.
-The Broncos should be in Peachy Keen, but I think even that whole fanbase knows this is a little bit funky.
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–Just gonna post the Texans Thicc-6 again
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
–Bryce Young throwing a Tua-esque bonehead interception that made me wince
CHAOS WATCH
–The Ravens are suddenly one game back from Pittsburgh with mostly easy games remaining. Lamar is healthy. The Pittsburgh 9-8 season wildcard elimination is right on track.
–For the first time in two decades, it looks like the NFCE will have a repeat winner. Unless the Eagles have another collapse for the ages. Chaos either way.
FRAUD WATCH
–Bills? You bums! Panthers? I gave you credit last week and this is how you repay me? Broncos? Even you know this is a mirage. Jaguars? Duuuuuuuvallllll. Who I have my eye on now is Indianapolis. A loss to Pittsburgh and an almost loss to Atlanta and all of a sudden Mr All-In looks shaky.
The Ravens are set up to strike and take over the division after a terrible start. The Dolphins vibes are high, and I’ll give the Saints some benefit of the doubt after the win.
SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-We had a lot of blowouts this week, but the one that felt the most embarrassing was probably Dolphins pancaking the Bills. At least Washington could claim they were stuck starting Mariota.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–Bills, bruh. Bills. BILLS. The first time in years Miami beats you this is disgusting.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–This was originally the Panthers and then the Eagles/Packers game happened. Packers get the nod because they were even worse than the Eagles.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – EVERY TEAM AS A PRETENTIOUS CRAFT BEER THAT YOU SEE IN A BOTTLE SHOP THAT YOU ARE TEMPTED TO TRY BUT ULTIMATELY PASS ON
JETS @ PATS
The Pats can’t keep getting away with this
If the Jets win, I will draw Breece Helles
COMMIES @ DOLPHINS
Do I dare pick the new fun Dolphins? Do I dare do it? I…Might!
If the Commies win, I will draw The Deebo Dunkel
PANTHERS @ FALCONS
I have given up on trying to understand Atlanta. Panthers dominated the last game, so I’ll pick them again.
If the Falcons win, I will draw The Penix Pilsner
BUCS @ BILLS
Bucs are at least trying to stay competent
If the Bills win, I will draw Football Moose Gose
TEXANS @ TITANS
I haven’t even bothered to learn who took over for Brian Callahan as interim thats how little care I have for Tenessee
If the Titans win, I will draw Cam Witbier
BEARS @ VIKINGS
Bears almost won the first game before a meltdown. They’ve been pretty good since. Vikings are a mess. Can McCarthy do it again?
If the Vikings win, I will draw The McCarthy EPA IPA
PACKERS @ GIANTS
The Packers losing this to the New Coach bump would be funny as hell and once again put a team automatically in the fraud category
If the Giants win, I will draw The Kafka Metamophosis Lager
BENGALS @ STEELERS
Steelers facing a bad team! Oh wait, it’s not on the road. Nevermind.
If the Bengals win, I will draw The Joe Flacc-old barrel aged sour
CHARGERS @ JAGS
Jaguars, you are frauds. We might need to have a discussion about how Trevor simply isn’t very sexy.
If the Jags win, I will draw The Sexy Hunkaweizen
SEAHAWKS @ RAMS
Battle to see who is the big threat in the NFCW! I’ll take the home team for this one.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Sam Adams Darnold
49ERS @ CARDINALS
Battle for who gets to be 3rd in the NFCW!
If the Cardinals win, I will draw The Jonathan Saison
RAVENS @ BROWNS
Ravens on the move again
If the Browns win, I will draw Kevin Stoutfanski
CHIEFS @ BRONCOS
WHO GETS THE DEVIL MAGIC? I can’t pick Denver. I refuse to count KC out.
If the Broncos win, I will draw The Boliever Belgian Ale
LIONS @ EAGLES
Lions looked like a much better team when Campbell re-took the playcalling duties. Eagles have looked fraudy this year, especially on offense. Excited to see this one.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Rye, Eagles Rye
COWBOYS @ RAIDERS
Who on earth is scheduling the Raiders in primetime like this
If the Raiders win, I will draw The Pete Carroll Cream Ale
BYES: COLTS, SAINTS
A TIE
If we get a tie both QBs as keystone light
That’s great, but where are the Chefs?
Great googly moogly!
They and the Iggles have broken the Fraudmeter and gone to the negative zone, where every member and player in the organization will be melted down into atoms.
The Pats can, and will, keep getting away with this.
Because Drake Maye.
“For he is the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Lombardi except through him.”
Brandon Beane’s decision to maintain a WR room of ‘all-scrubs’* has been a huge mistake this year. Allen is struggling to connect with anyone and Brady is not making good use of Shakir from the slot (the only position on the field be seems to work well from).
The defenses ability to allow 50+yard TD rushes week after week is just mind boggling. The secondary is awful, and they didn’t make a single move before the trade deadline. Unless the injured defensive players are back soon (they won’t be), missi g the playoffs is looking like a possibility.
Pats definitely belong in the suspicious bucket. No way they are best team in AFC.
Against teams with winning records:
Bills: 1-1
Chiefs: 1-4
Broncos: 1-2
Colts: 2-2
Patriots: 2-1
The whole AFC is suspicious.
Vikes fan here. “Nine” is indeed cheeks. Feel like most of the fanbase is still in denial about it because the realization that your favorite team bet the farm on a game manager from a loaded team that was also cheating, but you can only watch a guy air mail a ball so bad even Justin Jefferson can’t get to it so many times.
As a Giants fan my vibes are better knowing that there is no way in hell the new coach will keep Bowen. It sucks to lose again, but I’m more hopeful for next season with Dart and Cam. I just hope he is just as dynamic after his injury this year.
Biggest Blown lead in Jaguars History.
Those final 12 minutes will be the highlight of the season. Davis Mills might not be a good QB, but he’s one hell of a player.
Broncos just have an elite defense and bad offense. Same with Texans.
I wanna see a Lions/Broncos Superbowl most after this point of the season. Anything that isn’t KC at this point.
You’ll get Pats-Eagles III or Pats-Seahawks II and you’ll like it!
(He says as a Pats fan with tongue firmly in cheek – I’m still in disbelief that we’re somewhat good again so quickly…)
We had to have been watching two different Saints and Texans games, lol. Shough honestly got me Shoughed up by turning in a performance that was statistically ranked fourth in the league this week, plus the whole team just looked better with him leading the offense – Olave got a factory reset to his rookie season, and even Kamara finally freaking got 100+ scrimmage yards in a game again. As for the Texans defense, they may not have been dialed up to 11 this week as per usual, but it was the second week in a row that the opposing coach referred to them as “the best defense in the league.” And that’s saying a lot, since one of those coaches was grizzled turbo-narcissist Sean Payton.
“The Jets did something I’m not sure has happened before. They ran back a kickoff, then forced a 3 and out by Cleveland, and then returned the punt for another TD. Two touches, two scores.”
I seem to recall Ted Ginn Jr. running back two consecutive kicks, around 2010-2011 or so. I forget if they were kickoffs or punts.
“The Jets did something I’m not sure has happened before. They ran back a kickoff, then forced a 3 and out by Cleveland, and then returned the punt for another TD. Two touches, two scores.”
I mean, if we’re counting the Butt Fumble and the Edelman TD from the ensuing kickoff, it has definitely happened before. Just, you know, TO the Jets. Unless you mean “two touches, two scores” by the same player…