Expected question: are cartoon picks coming back? YOU BET THEY ARE! It might get a little weirder this year as I actually have plans to do things again after two years of huddling like the unibomber in my office, but that should only affect the occasional weekend. Picks are back, baby.

So let’s just get right into it! Week 1 is a wild crapshoot so most of these bets will be made on potential, and we can discuss expectations for each team as we go. Obviously, I haven’t paid close attention to the whole league this offseason so if you think I’m off-base about your team in some way, please let me know so I can potentially correct myself before Sunday. As always, suggestions are welcome and if I like your idea more, I’ll switch it. Also! I plan on doing more themed weeks this year because it helps keep things fresh, so if you have an idea for a good themed week, let me hear it.

Well, this should be good. The Bills seem to be the sexy pick this year for Super Bowl contenders/winners. Honestly, they are more than capable of being exactly that. But I don’t trust the hype team. Never trust the #1 hype team. The Rams are probably going to regress a bit this season as Robert Woods, Beckham, and Von Miller all left. Both of these teams are good. Both of these teams should be easy playoff contenders. Both of these teams know how to put on a good show, I am deeply excited for this opener more than most openers of late. But I don’t trust the Bills hype. It’s too strong, they are the away team for a fired up Rams squad, Aaron Donald will probably try to choke Josh Allen, and I won’t be surprised if we see the Bills stumble a bit out of the gate before finding their footing.
If the Bills win, I will draw Von Miller stabbing Aaron Donald in the back

Jalen Hurts is a dark horse candidate this year to have a breakout season. There is some low-key MVP chatter going on amongst the most faithful. I don’t see it. Hurts was far too inconsistent last year and the team got better when they started to run the ball more instead. I don’t think Hurts is bad, but I have my doubts he’s the long term solution and if he does take a step up this year (likely) it’ll be a smaller step. That said, I expect the Eagles to beat the Lions. We all love a good story and the Lions are fun as hell under Dan Campbell but that roster is still mostly a pile of shit, they are still QB’d by Jared Goff. The Lions should be candidates to improve this season but that improvement just means they might end up with 7 wins instead of 4. They need another year.
If the Lions win, I will draw Dan Campbell winning a Mr. Universe competition

The Bears. Woof. I don’t think I’ve seen anything about this team that makes me actually excited to see them play. They seem to be doing everything they can to set Justin Fields up for failure, Fields himself doesn’t seem worth his hype yet (The Ohio State QB curse?!?!). I had to google the new coach just to remember who he was. Matt Eberflus. Now that’s a name that rolls off the tongue the same way a bowling ball slams into the gutter and damages the lane on the way down. The Bears might end up with the #1 pick this year and I don’t think anyone would be surprised. The team is potentially being sold as McCaskey is the cryptkeeper and the team might leave Soldier Field. It is a woeful time to be a Bears fan. The 49ers? The 49ers are being extremely weird. They didn’t trade Jimmy or Deebo, and brought Jimmy back to be Lance’s backup. Any team with weird QB situations is a powderkeg. That said, they are going to stomp the Bears.
If the Bears win, I will draw Yogi Bear eating Yosemite Sam

The Steelers are going to be an interesting watch this season. They finally got rid of the stupid rapist and replaced him with…Mitch Trubisky. QB was the problem with this team a year ago and this doesn’t feel like much of an upgrade. But it might be! I expect Mitch to be mediocre and Kenny Pickett comes in by week 8. This team is in transition to some degree and I don’t think that favors them against the defending SB losers. The Bengals? They seem good! Always watch for the Super Bowl hangover but the team overachieved that roster by miles last season so they should, theoretically, improve. I think the Bengals will stumble and struggle, maybe not even win the division, but they’ll probably win this game.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Mitch Trubisky entering the Kissin Titty Booth

The Dolphins! They traded Brian Flores for a SF tech hipster. They also traded for Tyreek Hill. Will Tua get him the ball? This is going to be a major year for Tua to prove himself and they gave him a quality weapon. I think the Patriots are setting themselves up for an outstanding season of mediocrity. This is actually a pretty even matchup, and I think the Patriots are better, but because it is the dreaded Miami game, I have to go Dolphins.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Bill Belichick eating a can of Tua Fish on the beach

Baker Mayfield vs the Browns. Do I have faith in the Panthers? Not in the slightest. They suck. They are stupid. Matt Rhule? More like Matt Drool. This is a team trying desperately to stay circling the drain before taking the much needed plunge into the abyss. The Browns? The Browns are unfortunately good. The roster is solid. The coaches are capable. However, the Browns are starting Jacoby Brisset as the 11 week placeholder, and Baker Mayfield is fueled by spite. He’s also finally healthy again. The Panthers have also spent the Rhule years starting kinda hot out of the gate. I expect Baker to go hog wild on those Cleveland motherfuckers and then regress to bad Baker week 2.
If the Browns win, I will draw Baker Mayfield, extremely frothing mad

The Colts haven’t won their season opener in 8 years. The Colts are ripe to break that streak. Matt Ryan is a good addition to that squad, even if he’s past his prime. The Colts had a chance to be a playoff contender last year before they Wentz off a cliff. Presumably, they can still be that good now that they have QB who isn’t a frantic squirrel crossing a road under center. The Texans are pretty shit. The team is still decimated from the BoB saga and Davis Mills is only good in that he wasn’t the complete dumpster fire we expected him to be. The time is right for the Colts to win in Houston.
If the Texans win, I will draw Davis Mills and Mike Glennon doing the snake body twisting mating ritual

Two teams who tried to win the heart of a sexual predator and failed. The Falcons are another expected disaster of the season. Marcus Mariota in 2022? Calvin Ridely is out for the year? This team is going to be the cause of multiple new cases of alcoholism and should probably be listed as a terrorist group. The Saints? They lost Sean Payton, but didn’t lose their own rapist QB, and are probably not going to be outstanding or anything but they’ll at least be competent compared to their Georgia counterparts. I look at the Falcons and I get the taste of metal in my mouth. The reactor core is open, we need to get the hell out of here.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Calvin Ridley winning his bet

Continuing the cases of expected disasters, the Jets! Zach Wilson, who might be shit anyway, is out till week 4. It’s Joe Flacco time. Joe Flacco in 2022. Maybe he can muster the spite to send his old team packing back down I95 to Baltimore but Joe hasn’t looked like he actually cared about football for at least 3 seasons now. The Ravens? They still don’t have anything for Lamar to throw too unless Bateman works out but, you know, Lamar is good. Though Jackson really wants his new deal. The Ravens have decided to stay mostly healthy for now, maybe they are saving their roster injury collapse for midseason to spice things up.
If the Jets win, I will draw Joe Flacco, Forever Elite

The Jaguars should be improved this year. They can’t be much worse. #1 pick Travon Walker has torn shit up in preseason. Lawrence is now working for Doug Pederson, a coach who has at the very minimum proven to be reasonably competent. The Jaguars have a lot of optimism. I don’t know how much the team will improve, and I don’t think they win this one. The Commanders (Still sounds dumb months later) are a decently built roster that is at least mediocre enough to beat up on a flawed upstart like the Jaguars. Then again, Carson Wentz might have Jaguars PTSD…nah. Wentz only chokes when it matters, and week 1 wont matter for either of these bums.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence and Doug Pederson grinding on Urban Meyers Grave

Ugh, I cannot think of a player I am less excited to hear about than Aaron Rodgers. Look, he resembles Nick Cage now! He still stuffs ghee up his ass to try and vain to win a playoff game past round 2. You can’t cleanse the toxins if you ARE the toxins, Rodgers. The Packers will be one of the best teams in the NFC, again, and it’ll be because weirdo hippie boy is still amazing. We won’t get to relish his sadness till January when he throws for 100 yards and now TDs against the Rams. The Vikings? Kirk Cousins is a lightning rod of discussion because he’s exactly in the middle. Go into any Vikings space and youll see the fanbase tearing itself apart trying to argue if Kirk is good or not. Me? I think he’s mid as hell and will not lead the Vikings to the promised land. Pack wins.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Kirk Cousins drowning Rodgers with a firehose shooting ghee

The Giants will not be good this year, and they will lose to the Titans. The Titans will also probably not be great this year, I expect them to be the big regression and not make it to the playoffs. They will still stomp the Giants, because they are still a fairly competent team and the Giants need at least one more season to purge themselves of the Gettleman stench.
If the Giants win, I will draw Saquon Barkley defeating The Collossal Titan Derrick Henry

This is a good matchup. The Raiders came out on top of this matchup last year at the end because the Chargers will always Charger, but both teams made big strides this offseason and I expect the Chargers to come out on top this time. Also, Josh McDaniels. Sorry Raiders.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Derek Car running Herbie the Love Bug off the road

The Chiefs will be good again, but maybe they’ll stumble out of the gate once more just like last season. The window is closing, pieces are moving, and Mahomes feels ripe for an injury to me. Hill is gone, replaced by JuJu Smith Schuster, who will spend more time making tik toks on the sideline with Jackson Mahomes than scoring touchdowns. The Cardinals? They love to come out strong. They should also be pretty good till about week 9. Since it’s in Arizona, I’m gonna call it for the Cards.
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Jackson Mahomes and JuJu Smith Schuster making a tik tok at midfield

I think the NFCE still runs through the Cowboys as long as Dak is healthy. They should still have issues though, because they lost Amari Cooper and what remains of the mighty o-line is now just Zach Martin and some stacks of tires with faces spraypainted on them. Also Mike McCarthy. This is going to be a wasted season where the Cowboys make the playoffs, get trounced in the wildcard round, and then hire Sean Payton for 2023. The Bucs? They have Brady. They are fine. I’ve lost interest in the Bucs already.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Dak Prescott riding Mike McCarthy as a horse

Man, big week for QBs playing their former teams. Mayfield vs Browns, Flacco vs Ravens, and we finish with Russ vs the Seahawks. The Broncos also took strides this offseason and should probably be pretty good, because Russ is pretty good. He’s at the very least a massive upgrade over the loser they sent to Seattle for him. Drew Lock couldn’t even win the QB competition and now, in the year of our lord 2022, Geno Smith is starting again. The Hawks are going to be a disaster this season and will likely stay such until the city moves on from Pete Carroll.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Geno Smith as a proud seahawk, feeding Russ to his nest of babies on the space needle.

Football is back baby LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOO