NFL Super Heroes
So in mid-summer 2014 I was contracted by Sports on Earth to do some cartoon work for them. It was to be all 32 teams personified as super heroes, and it was called Guardians of the Football Galaxy. For the project I took things about each team/city and invented a super hero out of it. Pretty simple. Sadly, it was posted on SoE right before they completely overhauled the site, firing everyone and essentially starting a reboot. As such the project got no fanfare and nobody witnessed it. To top it off, after the purge, almost all the old articles were taken down. You can still find a few links to the article I made, but the links are broken.
I didn’t want to let a month of hard work go to waste and have all those pictures I made floating around in the ether of some forgotten server somewhere, so I’m uploading them here in their original form. Some of the influences should be obvious, others less so.
A prospector who found a piece of magic gold, which granted him immortal life and a constitution of stone. His fists are capable of turning anything he wishes into pure gold, but just like Midas, soon found out that this comes with a price. After a proud heyday in the 80’s, Midas went into seclusion to keep himself from hurting more people but has recently been found by greedy madmen.
One day past, a man named Kevin Kolb was playing QB behind one of the worst Offensive Lines of all time. On one play, all 5 lineman wiffed their blocks, and Kolb was hit by 6 defenders all at once. He was vaporized instantly, into a red mist. Months later, locals began to notice small tornados of red mist floating about the city of Phoenix. It wasn’t long before it took a more human form that it was obvious Kolb has managed to resurrect himself. Now Kolb spends his days defending those who have no defense.
The result of Government testing on grass, a Ram kept on a farm for breeding purposes broke free and ate some, then turned into a big hulking brute who destroyed an entire town faster than anyone had ever seen before. It didn’t take long to contain the beast, but in recent years researchers have begun to worry that The Ram is gaining in strength and may burst forth again.
A recent addition to the world of heroes, 12th man isn’t a super hero at all, but merely a man. A man with a really big megaphone. He travels throughout the city in his bright green prius and finds crimes in progress. When he finds one, he makes really loud noises into his megaphone, alerting everyone of the crime and making sure those true heroes of the Seattle Police do their part. If people ignore his cries, then he goes up to the criminals and makes obnoxious hooting sounds until they give up and leave.
A man named Drew who was devout and prayed daily was touched by a god (his enemies would say a dark force) and was given powers beyond humankind. He is capable of producing halos of light from his head, and he flings them like frisbees at evil doers. He also parties a lot, because hey, it’s New Orleans.
A shy, quiet man one day was put in an impossible situation by the mafia. He was forced to bet his life for his wife’s. Instead the man made a bold move. He grabbed the cards and flung it into the eyes of his captors, cutting their corneas and buying him enough time to escape. He was invigorated by his experience, and now travels to mob hideouts with his famous razor playing cards to damage all mafia operations in the mid atlantic. Many seem to think he’s going to get himself killed, but he’s all about the risk.
Twins who can only activate their super powers by a fist bump. They are then turned into swashbuckling defenders of justice, patrolling Tampa harbor cutting down nasty Raiders
He’s kind of like Batman, but more disappointing.
Already a hero to the people of Chicago, Mike Ditka nonetheless recently revealed himself to also be a superhero with the power to control the wind in the windy city. Capable of creating tornado linebackers and throwing Jay Cutler’s passes off-course( or back on course) Ditka continues to be a true role model for all of Chicago
A man living in northern Wisconsin took it upon himself one day to become a sumo wrestler. He ate so much cheese trying to achieve his goal that the weird chemicals in the cheese mutated him into an unholy monster. An impossible man to knock over, though these days he struggles to walk, but still packs a punch, and watch out for that smell.
A norse god. The legends say Frantark was once a mighty warrior who defeated his by his shifty movements in battle. For his unconventional style however, the ancient Viking gods of Valhalla cast him out, and he would never again reach the lofty halls of the Viking heaven, though he got to the gates several times. He now wanders the thousand lakes instilling his powers in those he deems worthy.
A former cop named Calvin who suffered a gruesome fate, a local security corporation decided to rebuild him. Faster, Stronger, on wheels, and totally not Robocop, Motor Tron is 20 stories of pure crime fighting nuts and bolts. Seemingly unstoppable by any defense, he none the less is still stuck in Detroit and incapable of doing much outside the city.
Hog man was a professional wrestler who went by the name Hog. In his quest to be the ultimate showman and champion he injected illegal steroids infused with pig blood and now his mask is his real skin. He is still a master of the ring and showboat, but dedicates himself to calling out and beating up bad politicians.
The collective anger and ego of every new Yorker slowly seeped into the very air of NYC and harnessed by a group of scientists who really hate Boston Sports. They took a homeless man named Eli and irradiated him with the power, and now he’s the size of Godzilla. He hangs out in north jersey for space to live, and some people have started calling him Jersey Blue just to piss him off.
One day a young man from Philadelphia drank too many red bulls and now he is physically incapable of slowing down. An unstoppable force of speed and efficiency, but has a tendency to trip over himself from time to time and isn’t very good at self defense when his speed doesn’t solve the problem.
Blessed with superhuman aim and reflexes, the Urban Cowboy prowls the streets of Dallas/Ft. Worth daring criminals to challenge him. He has yet to be bested in a gunfight, but once missed a crucial shot on a crime lord and now everyone thinks he can’t get it done when it counts.
Some guy running around in tights and using a bow this day in age? No wonder he always gets beaten up when the fights get real. He tries though, you have to give him that. Plus he’s like Legolas with a bow and arrow.
Smarter than half the world combined but confined to a chair as his mobility grows weaker with each passing day. His age and lack of physical prowess can’t keep him down though, and he seeks to control the world. Avoids physical confrontations as much as possible, because he is easily thwarted if someone goes for the face punch.
A young boy named Phil found a magic bolo tie one day which granted him power over electricity. He uses this power for good. But all his powers are tied up in his bolo tie. They say if you wear the bolo tie it either gives you the powers of Bolotricity or fries you. Many have stolen the bolo tie from Phil but have been fried to a crisp trying to harness the power. Bolo man himself can handle the charge, but he must remove it after a certain amount of time or it will overwhelm him and he will discharge and kill everyone in a 5 mile radius. With great Bolo comes great responsibility.
Black Hole is the agent of chaos in the universe. All fear Black Hole. They say even getting near his power of creating Black Holes feels as if you are being stabbed with a million knives, all over your body.
A man named Andy was born with the ability to control his hair. Growing out his neckbeard has given him ways to awkwardly fight crime. Whipping people with his beard and zipping along by using the beard as an extra limb while climbing has given him incredible agility and the worship of basement geeks everywhere.
A bodybuilder of immense physical strength who is capable of sending out electrical pulses through the ground in shockwaves to knock his foes off their feet. Needs to wear power regulating arm braces or his arms will explode if he doesn’t release his energy on a regular basis.
A Titan god with powers of flame and a mighty sword. A strong warrior unmatched in strength, but everyone ignores him anyway and calls him the flaming T. Vows to one day regain the respect of the people be it by force or love.
Burst onto the scene in the 90’s and took everyone by surprise by how skilled at crime fighting he was. But after several years of success people stopped being impressed, and he slunk slowly into depression and now spends his days on his couch watching Netflix.
A ninja with incredible powers of stealth. Can create multiple copies of himself to confuse foes while he strikes in the dark. An unsettling force, uses fear to his advantage while attacking his enemies. Reports have said that they felt a presence under the floorboards, or seen a suspicious swarm of ravens watching them right before attack. Hates lights, does his best work in total darkness. No one knows his true identity, but some suspect the Gummy Bear CEO or a very loud local preacher.
A former steel factory owner who took the loss of his industry hard. Huge ego, thinks he is really special, the most special in the entire world because he’s saved it one more time than anyone else.
Almost feral, the Tiger hangs out in local forests attacking hunters and animals. His quick agility, superhuman senses and cat like reflexes have prevented authorities from capturing him and now they just let him roam the woods in controlled areas to keep him contained. No one is sure where he came from. Some say he is a product of a scorned Cleveland executive, a man who after being fired lost his mind and took on the role of a cat. Others say he’s the result of genetic experiments and crossbreeding by a scientist who had an unhealthy obsession with Thundercats.
No one is really sure what he’s doing at any time. May be an agent of Chaos. May just be insane. He leaves nothing but panic, confusion, and anger in his wake. We don’t even know what he looks like, this is just an artistic interpretation.
Has power over snow, and can make himself bigger by absorbing snow and ice to become a massive snowstorm. Capable of molding his snow self to become weapons. Watch out when he turns yellow.
Jetty was a normal skydiver who got sucked into a jet intake and for reasons unknown came out the other side with the ability to fly instead of being chopped into a billion pieces. Spends his days flying around New York and Jersey looking for criminals to beat up. His signature attack is the Butt Ram, when he flies full speed into a criminals derriere and shatters their pelvis.
Stands for truth, justice and the American way. Frequently quotes the national anthem and has a fondness for tea. Capable of deflating any heated argument. His weakness is his knees and his nemesis the mighty Pollard. Many wonder though if Pat Patriot is indeed a fighter for justice, or just a puppet to a darker force behind the scenes.
No one likes Fin Man, not even Fin Man. I mean look at him. Can talk to fish, but since his enemies are always land based, usually just mopes around and bullies little street punks.
I also had a couple first drafts that got axed by my editor there, but since this is MY site, I’m gonna post them anyway
D-Cell, the original Eagles hero. Joke should be pretty obvious
This was going to be the Bills one, but when the article was about to post Kelly got diagnosed with cancer again and I didn’t want to be cruel. He’s okay now though, so this is safe to use.