Weekend At Andrew’s
So, and hear me out on this…what if Andrew Luck has been dead for years and the Colts are just trying their best to keep up the facade?
The exceptionally vague injury reports that seem to always end up being far more serious than initially suspected. The fewer and fewer commercials and marketing materials featuring Luck during the same time frame. I think Andrew Luck, the original Andrew Luck, is dead. He’s dead. He died on the football field, thinking about Settlers of Catan.
So who is playing QB? Is it Andrew Luck’s lifeless body being puppeted by strings from high above? Or maybe he’s been replaced by a doppelganger. Andrew Luck is like Paul McCartney, dead and replaced, but we have to find the clues. Andrew Luck wears number 12. What is half of 12? 6. What is 6 three times? 666. Andrew Luck is dead confirmed. The NFL Combine is always held in Lucas Oil Stadium. This may just be the perfect place to secretly audition Andrew Luck replacements. Some QB who doesn’t stand a chance of getting drafted, but looks the part and won’t be remembered if they go missing…
My theory is that he died during his shoulder surgery from a few years ago, the thing that started this whole mess. Maybe he hurt his shoulder slightly, saw the doctor, and the doctor fucked something up. This is the Colts, and any doctor Jim Irsay employs is probably a drug dealing Dr. Nick style hack. Maybe in the process of trying to give Luck a pain killing shot, he missed and jammed an artery and Luck died of blood loss. The Colts couldn’t admit their error so they threw a neckbeard on a rando and made him stand on the sidelines with a non-specified shoulder problem.
I think Luck got “Dave’d”. No, this is not a reference to me. This is a deep cut, but back in the early 90’s there was a charming little movie called Dave. It’s about a guy named Dave who is hired to pretend to be the president during a public event so that the actual president (who he very closely resembles) can go get funky on an intern. The actual president has a stroke while getting stroked, and Dave is then forced to pretend to be the president for the foreseeable future, as hi-jinks and conflict ensues. It’s a fun little film. Anyway Andrew Luck is the actual president who had a stroke and somebody is now impersonating him. Since the Colts have a ton of offensive talent around the imposter, the ruse is easy to hide.
Andrew Luck is dead. help me prove it, readers. This is our quest.
BTW, in case anyone cares, I actually did a reddit AMA on Wednesday:
https://www.reddit.com/r/nfl/comments/cqcs5m/im_dave_rappoccio_the_guy_behind_the_draw_play/
EDIT: Lmao I called it
This is IIRC the third appearance of Dead/Ragdoll Andrew Luck, which is as hilarious as it is saddening.
Goddammit Colts. You don’t deserve the beautiful man, ship him to Denver pronto so he can actually win a ring before retiring in pieces.
“I think Luck got “Dave’d”…”
The movie I thought of with the “Luck died, and we have an impostor mimicking him” theory was Kagemusha. It’s less of a fun romp and pretty tragic in the end, which probably better fits how this actual fiasco with the Colts might end up.
Irsay sees your suggestion, decides to do just that, and drops some MDMA as he gets ready to make the move.
The next day: “Patriots and Colts agree to a blockbuster trade where the Patriots get Andrew Luck and two sixth-round draft picks from the Colts (2020, 2021) and the Colts get the Patriots’ 2025 seventh-round pick.”
Even better than the sequel of the original movie and somewhat better than the remake starring Tupac that got people triggered.
It’s never good when this is just as plausible an explanation as the team is providing.
This might be better
I love this comic so much. Weekend at Bernie’s was a good movie too lol.
Maybe he’s more UNDEAD than actually dead?
You know how good Dave was? It made Kevin Kline seem to be a likable human being.
The intern, BTW, was played by Laura Linney in her debut. How crazy is that?
Irsay should be less sober.
Agreed, I say he should always have a little coke plate he holds up proudly, like how Eli has rocket pops
It really is a shame. This team wasted Luck. Ballard has done an admirable job actually putting a team together, but it’s too little too late. Maybe Brisket or “Gigachad” Kelly can succeed with this roster. We didn’t deserve Luck and his beautiful neckbeard.
Dave is one of my all time favourite movies. Best political romcom ever.
That movie Dave surprisingly has a really high RT score.
What’s crazy is that the colts doctors were doing this long before Luck. I remember the same stuff happening with Manning neck and Freeneys ankle.
So anybody going to make an Epstein joke on Luck?
Having lived through having a ‘dead’ Peyton Manning before he was miraculously revived and sent to Denver, I’m getting serious deja vu. But I will say that this scenario proves that Irsay’s at least partially clean. If he were still going full-bore, he probably would have tried to dig up Y.A. Tittle, or perhaps Frank Tripucka.
Are we going to ignore that this Movie “Dave” predicted the Monica Lewinsky scandal?
Holy god, he really IS dead, isn’t he?
http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap3000001044124/article/colts-qb-andrew-luck-informs-team-he-is-retiring
This aged way too well.
Went back to this one just to see if anybody had commented yet
DAVE YOU KILLED HIM!
Maybe you were actually onto something here.
Oh my god, you’re a psychic!
Forget Centauri. Always Trust the Draw Play. (If Dave is a deep cut, how deep is The Last Starfighter?)
they are saying the colts knew he was mulling it for about…..2 weeks. hm
Well, well. That aged well.