So, and hear me out on this…what if Andrew Luck has been dead for years and the Colts are just trying their best to keep up the facade?

The exceptionally vague injury reports that seem to always end up being far more serious than initially suspected. The fewer and fewer commercials and marketing materials featuring Luck during the same time frame. I think Andrew Luck, the original Andrew Luck, is dead. He’s dead. He died on the football field, thinking about Settlers of Catan.

So who is playing QB? Is it Andrew Luck’s lifeless body being puppeted by strings from high above? Or maybe he’s been replaced by a doppelganger. Andrew Luck is like Paul McCartney, dead and replaced, but we have to find the clues. Andrew Luck wears number 12. What is half of 12? 6. What is 6 three times? 666. Andrew Luck is dead confirmed. The NFL Combine is always held in Lucas Oil Stadium. This may just be the perfect place to secretly audition Andrew Luck replacements. Some QB who doesn’t stand a chance of getting drafted, but looks the part and won’t be remembered if they go missing…

My theory is that he died during his shoulder surgery from a few years ago, the thing that started this whole mess. Maybe he hurt his shoulder slightly, saw the doctor, and the doctor fucked something up. This is the Colts, and any doctor Jim Irsay employs is probably a drug dealing Dr. Nick style hack. Maybe in the process of trying to give Luck a pain killing shot, he missed and jammed an artery and Luck died of blood loss. The Colts couldn’t admit their error so they threw a neckbeard on a rando and made him stand on the sidelines with a non-specified shoulder problem.

I think Luck got “Dave’d”. No, this is not a reference to me. This is a deep cut, but back in the early 90’s there was a charming little movie called Dave. It’s about a guy named Dave who is hired to pretend to be the president during a public event so that the actual president (who he very closely resembles) can go get funky on an intern. The actual president has a stroke while getting stroked, and Dave is then forced to pretend to be the president for the foreseeable future, as hi-jinks and conflict ensues. It’s a fun little film. Anyway Andrew Luck is the actual president who had a stroke and somebody is now impersonating him. Since the Colts have a ton of offensive talent around the imposter, the ruse is easy to hide.

Andrew Luck is dead. help me prove it, readers. This is our quest.

BTW, in case anyone cares, I actually did a reddit AMA on Wednesday:

EDIT: Lmao I called it