Robert Kraft Finds The New Underdog Angle
Okay. Let’s get the serious stuff out of the way first.
Robert Kraft was apparently one of a number of people who were busted in a police sting operation concerning a Florida day spa that has been linked to human trafficking. Apparently there is video evidence of Kraft soliciting a prostitute and getting a handjob. All he’s been faced with so far is charges of soliciting prostitution. Whether or not he had any knowledge of the human trafficking part is currently unknown. This is a pretty big deal, and could get far worse before it’s over. Human trafficking is disgusting, and although there is currently no apparent evidence he knew, I have my doubts he didn’t. The man is a billionaire and could have hired escorts on his yacht whenever he wanted with no problem. Why pay for a handjob at a massage parlor? If he knew the massage parlor offered sexual acts, it feels to me like he probably had to know more about the operation. But it is certainly possible the guy is just gross instead. I’m sure that’s how most Pats fans will happily rationalize it away.
If Kraft was in any way involved more than his happy ending, I hope he’s locked away for the rest of his life and the team gets sold, because fuck human trafficking and anyone who makes it possible.
I would also like to make it clear I’m for legalizing sex work too. Sex work is illegal and still happens everywhere with ease. May as well legalize it so that it can be heavily regulated and the workers can be more properly compensated without fear of their safety. Prostitution is old as time, at least get some tax revenue out of it. That way your creepy cop uncle can just pay his own salary.
Okay. Now lets dunk on the man. Because even if Kraft is just a guy who wanted his crank yanked, that’s enough. I thought I was done making Patriots jokes, but they go out into massage parlors and pull me right back in.
Are you fucking kidding me. Robert Kraft, billionaire investor, owner of one of the most powerful franchises in all of sports, goes to boring Asian massage parlors so he can get 60 dollar handjobs. Are you fucking kidding me. I knew the guy had done some pervy old man stuff since his wife passed, but this is hilarious. The classiest organization in sports is owned by a dude who gets cheap handies from sex slaves in Florida. I would assume there would be a line of people in Boston willing to give Kraft a ball rub for free. Fuckin hell. Never let a Patriots fan call their team classy ever again. Sing this shit from the rooftops.
It’s not like I don’t believe that he’s a gross old man doing gross old man shit. I just kinda assume all the owners are pigs and are all doing this kinda crap. But by this kinda crap I assumed “High class escorts in my penthouse” kinda pervy crap. Sex boat shit. Hell the Sex Boat party is classier than what one of the most powerful owners in sports just did. Why the fuck is a billionaire paying for 60$ peter pullings when he’s rich enough to get whatever he damn needs? Joe from accounting with the failing marriage is the kinda guy who’d go to a massage parlor and get his dick rubbed for 60 bucks. If you are a billionaire grab your yacht, go into international waters, snort all the cocaine in the world and get all the weird shit you need. That’s probably how Jerry Jones rolls. I never thought Jerry Jones would seemingly have more class than THE PATRIOT WAY. I guess this incident just proves that truly, billionaires are just like us! When is that wealth gonna trickle down? Well, something probably trickled down.
Arguably one of the top men in the entire NFL got a cheap happy ending from a probable sex slave. I think every single person in the comment section probably has more dignity than that. Fuckin hell.
Also, things to remember: a bunch of details will come out and change the situation, so obviously some of this commentary will be outdated soon. Don’t use my reactions here against me in the future please
I hope this is how the Patriots dynasty ends. Not with a whimper, but with a bang. But obviously Kraft will get a mild suspension and the Patriots will win another Super Bowl and nothing will matter because the world is garbage and hahahaha holy shit they actually gave Green Book best picture lmao
Fix the third last panel
Nah, Kraft tends to speak like he’s sloshed
Bill Simmons has been going out of his way to imply he’s on a coke bender. My theory is that he knew he was going to be arrested for the Rub-n-Tug and was trying to get the partying out of his system.
The mistake your making is thinking I wrote a bad panel. That panel was written as intended to fit as many bad innuendos as possible. Who cares if it’s slightly clunky, because perfect clean speech was never the point
I think he’s referring to “We can get pull this off”, suggesting dropping “get”.
You are, of course, under no obligation to change this, and I didn’t even notice it until I was reading for it.
He means “We can get pull this off” which is grammatically incorrect and also doesn’t sacrifice a pun if you remove the “get”
I threw it out there that you had to nail it this week ….. and you put that one out of the park.
I salute you sir!
This wasn’t gold. This was something far superior in every freakin way. I loved this. The comic was hilarious but everything Dave said after MADE THIS AWESOME!
This may sound morbid but good thing his wife isn’t alive to know about this.
If the Pats were to win, here’s hoping that for some reason Joe Thomas unretires and signs with the Patriots on a one year contract for a ring. That way some Browns fans will get their panties up their wads even though they had been dumping on him for being just one guy.
“That way some Browns fans will get their panties up their wads even though they had been dumping on him for being just one guy.”
What? Joe Thomas is worshipped here. He’s the most popular Browns player since Jim Brown. Who gave you the impression Browns fans have ever had a problem with him?
The comments section in YT, Yahoo Sports, Twitter…
What the hell Twitter accounts are you following?
My biggest question was “why is this billionaire getting pulled off at a massage parlor, when he can just use one of the many dating apps for young women looking for rich older men?”.
Makes you wonder if Bellicheck still sour from the Jimmy G trade recommended this place, then tipped the police off about the human trafficking. The human trafficking element is despicable and should be closely monitored on this one for sure.
I mean, assuming we find out he’s innocent, though, shouldn’t we kinda praise (too strong of a word) applaud (still too strong) feel sorry for him for just being a dirty old man. You’d imagine a billionaires sexual appetites being somewhere beyond tug jobs, especially a single billionaire in his 70s. I mean – to put getting a hand job from a masseuse in perspective, it’s illegal, but society doesn’t view it negativity from what I can see. To the point where SpikeTV has a “documentary” on how to receive a Happy Ending, and Jennifer Love Hewitt stars in a Lifetime series where she gives HJs to dudes to support her family (kinda like breaking bad but with HJs instead of meth).
All he did was order Chinese Takeout
With extra dumplings
He could get a high-priced escort, but I bet you getting a cheap handy at some shady massage parlor is his kink. I have a feeling that when your that rich and and powerful, you get a little bored with luxury and feeling catered too. It’s why powerful men almost always have that weird kink where they pay prostitutes to spank them and and treat them like shit. I’d bet decent money that Kraft probably wants to get off in some dirty place with a cheap (non-white) sex worker from time to time.
I think Kraft deserves some benefit of the doubt for the time being, not because he doesn’t look horribly guilty(he does), but because we don’t have 100% of the information and the legal system still needs to sort him out. He may not be involved, and he may maintain some level of ignorance.
I however can’t imagine a reasonable scenario where someone with his means even knows about a place like that without being in the know, or even involved on some level. There are far too many legal options that are safer and cleaner. He already paid to go to Florida, why not Vegas? Why not one of the many countries in Europe? If he didn’t want his reputation tarnished by being recognized, Europe would have been the way to go. Why go to some random stripmall in Florida when you have an entire world at your disposal? In all likelyhood it was because he knew exactly what that place as and what he could do there.
No matter what level of involvement he did or didn’t have, at the end of the day he is still indefensible. Slaves(by virtue of being held against their will and being forced to work without pay) cannot give consent. Sex acts without consent are rape. Robert Kraft raped a slave. He may not have known they were slaves, she almost certainly didn’t struggle or object so we can say he might not have know it was rape, but he still raped a slave. That is absolutely inarguable. Owners of sports teams in America have been forced to sell because of comments they made, if Kraft isn’t forced to sell because of raping a slave, then Goodell is truly in his pocket.
Glad I’m not a Pats fan.
Great point! And one I’m not seeing made enough. Everyone’s laughing because he’s a billionaire at a cheap place… but whatever, I’m sure there are lots of people who are into going to the cheapest dirtiest place they can find.
The weirdest thing about all of this, and that definitely makes him complicit in some illegal/shady stuff in my mind, is that he flew to FLORIDA the morning of the AFC CHAMPIONSHIP!!! To go to this specific place. You’re telling me there’s no where anywhere closer that he can find a cheap rub n tug??
I doubt he’ll ever be implicated in anything more, because it must be very very hard to legally prove someone was a part of the sex trafficking side of all this…. but there is no way an owner goes to JUPITER, FLORIDA before the second biggest game of his team’s season unless there is something very specific he likes about the girls there
He didn’t fly down that morning. The cops have him visiting the place the early evening of the 19th and then again on the morning of the 20th (game day).
He may well have been down there for several days.
Still freakin’ bizarre/stupid that he went there at all, though.
Oh thank you, I didn’t realize that. As you say it doesn’t change much (in fact… maybe skeezier?) but it is worth getting right!
I’ve lived in New England all my life and…well, this stings.
Maybe I should start getting obsessed with basketball again. The Celtics haven’t had a championship in at least a decade, being a homer for them should be guilt-free, right?
When I saw the “Kraft busted for solicitation” headlines (before reading the stories) I was totally unsurprised. It’s been quite clear he’s been heading this way since his wife died. I figured it would be see Heidi Fleiss or Eliot Spitzer sort of thing with some high-end escort service.
Then I read the stories and found out the actual venue. What the ever-lovin’ hell?!?
(And there was also the billionaire founder of the J.W. Childs private equity firm and there was a former CEO of Citigroup. The mind boggles!)
Pretty funny coincidence how all these ultra-rich people go to the same cheap and remote little spot in Florida, when they all could find closer places for a massage parlor handy.
But no, I’m sure they all had noooo idea there was something ultra-shady about the women there!
What movie do you think deserved it?
Any of those films would have been a better choice than Green Book except maybe Bohemian Rhapsody, which I found severely overrated
Roma was probably the best one of a weak field
It seemed like everything about the Oscars was telegraphing Bohemian Rhapsody as hard as possible, from the opening number, to the production design, to even the content of the commercials. So I’ll give them kudos for surprising me about Green Book.
Also, what the hell was Pharrell Williams wearing? Who told him that it would be a good idea to wear a double breasted camo suit with shorts?
“One sex, please.”
From now on, this is how I proposition women.
let us know how that works out for ya
I have also started to use this approach. So far, it has made zero difference in results, but it has made the rejections entertaining at least.
Same here, but my hand is starting to rash from all the wigs I’m putting on it.
I think the hover text is the most underrated part of this. Well done Dave!
Also, I grew up in New England as a Patriots fan, before they were good and certainly before Kraft was the owner. I’ve love Kraft for how he’s turned that organization around. If this is just the handie special, it’s embarrassing but not a deal breaker. But if he was in the know on the human trafficking, frack him and all he’s done. No amount of Super Bowl wins or records can overcome that. I’d be done with the Patriots until he sold. If the NFL didn’t make him, I’d be done with rhe league. I hope it was just him being a cheap ODB….
So it seems they already arrested the traffickers and Kraft was only a customer, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t know
Honest question because it feels very obvious to me, but I have a very different bias than you…
How can you doubt that he at least was, maybe not complicit, but at least AWARE that something shady was happening at this place? As another commenter said, other mega-rich have been there (“the billionaire founder of the J.W. Childs private equity firm and there was a former CEO of Citigroup”). All these rich people going to a very, very specific place in nowhere Florida… oh and Kraft went the morning of the AFC Championship. There are a billion places you can get a massage with a happy ending… why would he go there?
Dave, I never get tired of reading your hot takes. Spot on every fucking time.
No Days Off!
A strategy use by the Pats and by the owners of the Orchids of Asia spa. A true winning philosophy.
I was listening to a podcast earlier where one of the guys made a really good comparison to Chinese food. In this case, is Robert Kraft sitting down and eating at Panda Express or is he going to one of the quote unquote “fancier” Chinese establishments. As an owner, he likely isn’t choosing this other fancier restaurant because of the food but rather because he has a standard to uphold. In this situation, he chose Panda Express when he very clearly has other options that he could pick from (as a damn football owner). It’s almost embarrassing for him that he didn’t “uphold the standard.”
I know this will never happen but what if the NFL took a NCAA approach and did a post season ban on the Patriots. That would be the ultimate punishment especially since Tom is old enough to be a grandparent
This dawned on me, “Dumb and Dumber” directed by Academy Award winner…can anybody say that with a straight face?
Ok, first off, Kraft is gonna get close to the same punishment Irsay got for DUI pill adventures. Half a million fine and a 6 game suspension(which wtf is that? Is he not allowed in the owner’s box? Seriously?) -Though that will mess up any banner unfurling. Maybe the Pats wait until the suspension is over to have their celebration since it’s rumored they may nto get the opening game… Hell, maybe the NFL makes that officially part of the punishment.
Anywho, those who think Kraft knew about the sex trafficking, that’s just dumb. If your engaging in embarrassing illegal activity, your not going to do a background check of your rub&tug attendant. “Excuse me miss, I would like to engage you in prostitution, but I want to make sure this is on the up and up. ”
He didn’t know. But he does now, and should drop 10 mil on a human trafficing org, and make sure the ladies who were caught up in all this land on their feet. Probably be the most expensive hand job he’s ever got, but it would be worth it in PR
Anyway
You say that like he couldn’t have paid someone to sniff around and keep their traps shut
as a fan of chaos and drama, alls i can say YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. i wanna crush this up and snort it.
He should have bought his own person. Cant trust the middle man.
Wow, Julian predicted it