THE MOOD SWINGS BACK
WE ARE BACK, BABY. OUR NATIONAL DISTRACTION HAS RETURNED! GIVE ME THAT DOPAMINE!
To start this season off, I wanted to do a Chaos Prediction report!
THE YEAR IN CHAOS
–I think this season will be just as chaotic as most seasons, and it won’t stand out too much. Most chaos is predictable in form but not in specifics. The first coach fired midseason will probably be a surprise and not the betting favorite, even if deserved. One competitor will suffer the injury bug and ruin the season. One or two teams that were good last year will turn into pumpkins, and one or two teams everyone is writing off will rise. Who are these teams? My one prediction here will be that we have…two ties. That’s my bold chaos prediction.
I also predict the Chiefs will stumble a bit and maybe only earn a wildcard as their devil magic wears thin. I think the Chargers take the division in a surprise, but they choke in round 1 as is tradition and the Chiefs at least make the divisional anyway. I predict the Washington Commanders to take the east, because the NFCE cannot be won two years in a row by the same team and the Cowboys/Giants aren’t good enough to threaten Philly. I predict Micah Parsons murders Dak Prescott in week 4. I predict the Titans of all teams threaten Houston for the division (but don’t make it).
GIANTS CORNER
–If watching bad teams is the 5 stages of grief, we are in acceptance. 2022 was denial. We were not a good team, but we got fooled into thinking we were. 2023 was anger. Why couldn’t we capture at least some of the 2022 magic? Why did everyone go pumpkin? 2023’s offseason was bargaining. If we get Daniel Jones a line and a true weapon, and ditch the unreliable Barkley, could we finally rise? The 2024 season was depression. I challenge you to go watch any of that again. 2025 is acceptance. Jones is gone. The coaching staff is an inch from being fired. They got a new QB who seems fun. The schedule looks awful. This is either the twitching corpse of an era we are finally almost through, or the beginning of that next era. Either way, freedom is nigh. Or we looped back into denial and we’re fucked.
THE VIBE CHECK
– I’ll start by showing you the new section of the Chaometer, debuting this season: THE VIBE CHECK.
The purpose of The Vibe Check is pretty self-explanatory. How are the team’s vibes right now? How is the fanbase feeling? Are we happy? Cautiously optimistic? Doom and Gloom?
The teams in Peachy Keen are feeling great. Whatever worries they might have are minimal. It’s gravy. The team is good, the hopes are high, the fanbase is excited.
Just Vibing? That’s for the teams doing just fine, either they are pretty good but have some slight worries, or they are bad but that’s expected so no tension. For example, the Lions are entering a season in which they should be good, but the Super Bowl window is open, the staff had a lot of brain drain from coordinator hiring, and the tension to actually get shit done is rising. The Giants? They aren’t expected to be good, but after 6 years of Daniel Jones ending and a fun preseason, the fanbase is excited again.
A sour tang? That’s nervousness. Maybe things aren’t going super well or there are a lot of worries keeping people tense. The Steelers are a good team, but pretty much everyone knows this is a weird one-year rental of a geriatric weirdo QB and this isn’t likely to be the year they finally get over the hump. The Jags? Trevor Lawrence is reaching “is he a bust” territory and is now in his 3rd system.
Deeply Rotten? Nobody’s happy. This season just needs to be over. Dear god, save us. The Cowboys enter this season in first place for rotten vibes.
CACKLES OF THE YEAR
–I predict a fat man TD of over 40 yards
BIG OOF OF THE YEAR
-Sam Darnold becomes who we thought he was again
CHAOS WATCH
–Watch out for the Commies, who could still contend or fall off a cliff, I see no in-between. I also want to keep an eye on those Raiders, who might be watchable for the first time in years.
FRAUD WATCH
–The Entire NFCW. They play the AFCS and NFCS, the two worst divisions in football. All 4 teams have projected win totals over 8 according to most metrics (based heavily on the SoS). None of the NFCW teams actually inspire full confidence in me at all, the closest being the Rams. I think we get at least 2, probably 3 teams from this division in the playoffs, and none make it to the championship.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–I predict the biggest fall from relevance will be…Buffalo. Maybe it’s just because Josh gets banged up and either goes out or plays hurt all year, but Buffalo struggles to be the team they have been, and the AFCE is wide open.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE YEAR
–The Saints, who won this category two years ago, do not look to be watchable again. Most of the other teams in dire straits have a clownshow element to them, like the Browns QB drama or the Colts QB drama. The Cowboys are always entertaining even in death, as Jerry demands. The Dolphins are watchable when Tua is healthy. But the Saints? They are starting Spencer Rattler. Most importantly, nobody gives a fuck what they are doing. That’s the key to this category. It’s not just a bad product, it’s a boring product that you turn off. If they didn’t have such a cupcake schedule, I’d also very much consider the Cardinals here, who might be my dark horse pick for worst.
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BETS FOR WEEK 1
COWBOYS @ EAGLES
After the week the Cowboys have had, going into Philly to play the defending champs? These openers tend to surprise, but how in god’s name could anyone think Dallas could do this?
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Jerry Jones, Sith Lord
CHIEFS @ CHARGERS
A FRIDAY GAME FOR SOME FUCKING REASON. STOP THE WEEK TAKEOVER. This is I think the first big surprise of the season. I think the Chargers come out strong, beat the sloppy Chiefs because Kelce is too busy podcasting, and set up an entire season of bullshit speculation that the Chiefs are done. I know I also predicted that they’d stumble, but they aren’t done. But even dynasties struggle sometimes. The Patriots didn’t win the division every single year for 20 years.
If the Cheifs win, I will draw Kermit Mahomes doing the Hand on Shoulder meme to Herbert
DOLPHINS @ COLTS
This game will tell us a lot about which of these potential midseason firings has a chance to make it to January. Both of these teams absolutely NEED this win to fend off the incoming doom and settle in for a tolerable start. I predict the Dolphins are better. Fuck you Daniel Jones.
If the Colts win, I will draw Indiana Jones shooting Mike McDaniel like the sword guy from Raiders Of the Lost Ark
STEELERS @ JETS
I can’t believe we are getting a Rodgers revenge game in week 1, the schedule writers are on crack. I love it. Yes, I do believe this will be a Steelers rout, and it’ll be extremely annoying to read about how Rodgers is back and set up to win afterward. The fall will come. Just not yet.
If the Jets win, I will draw Jet Fuel melting Steeler Beams
PANTHERS @ JAGUARS
CAT FIGHT. Between two troubled cats that nobody wants to adopt. I think the Jaguars vibes are bad but they might bounce back. I think the optimism over Bryce Young’s second half last year is foolish, and he still very much sucks ass down there. Jags win a tight game that sucks and nobody watches.
If the Panthers win, I will draw a black panther kicking a jaguar out of a tree
CARDINALS @ SAINTS
The Saints are starting Spencer Rattler. We don’t have to pretend this will be a fun game that you will watch.
If the Saints win, I will draw Spencer Rattlersnake eating Kyler Murray
GIANTS @ COMMANDERS
This is another potential surprise. The Commanders should win easily. If the Giants win this, the noise will be loud and violent, because WHAT IF THE GIANTS ARE GOOD and WASHINGTON BAD AGAIN. It’s week 1. Even if the Giants surprise it wont mean much, though I would be happy.
If the Giants win, I will draw Russ, Jameis, and Dart as the Powerpuff Girls
BUCS @ FALCONS
I think the Bucs are going to be one of this year’s surprise competitors. They faced a tough schedule last year, took some tough to swallow L’s, but still came through to win the division. I think they are a good team. The Falcons are in transition.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Michael Penis Jr, rising high, erecting his will to the heavens
BENGALS @ BROWNS
Ohio sucks. But maybe this will finally be the year the idiot Bengals manage to win a week 1 game. If they can’t beat Joe Flacco and the Loon Squad then write ‘em off again.
If the Browns win, I will draw General Flacco winning the war of Ohio for the north
RAIDERS @ PATRIOTS
The Patriots are a team I think is going to overachieve this year. A competent new coach, an easier division and an easier schedule, and Drake Maye. It’ll give those beantown bastards some smug back in their step, and I hate it.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Brock Bowers as pokemon Brock
49ERS @ SEAHAWKS
This might be another divisional tone setter. The 49ers have high expectations after a super bowl hangover injury year. Seattle seems…hard to gauge. If the 49ers walk away with this one, Seattle is probably not going to be a big divisional threat. If they do, and I believe they will thanks to home field, it’ll force us to notice them. For a week at least.
If the 49ers win, I will draw Brock Purdy saying Nirvana is overrated
TITANS @ BRONCOS
I still BOlieve!
If the Titans win, I will draw Cam Ward swinging Bonix by the tail
LIONS @ PACKERS
Probably the most important week 1 matchup we have. Whoever wins this is automatically in the driver seat for the division and the other has to match it. A battle of titans. The vibes in Green Bay are off the charts right now and this might not end well for Detroit, especially away.
If the Lions win, I will draw Jared Goff casually stiff-arming Micah Parsons while he sips a margarita
TEXANS @ RAMS
Two division winners looking to keep it rolling into the new year. I’ll take the home team for now, curious to see how the Texans change their offense after firing Slowik.
If the Texans win, I will draw Will Anderson Jr taking a wrecking ball to Stafford’s stupid homeostasis tank
RAVENS @ BILLS
The Ravens under Lamar are regular-season master hunters and I can wager the team probably took Allen getting MVP last year as an attack. I think the Ravens make a statement that they are going to be the same regular-season juggernaut as always.
If the Bills win, I will draw Football Moose hitting a Raven home run with his MVP trophy
VIKINGS @ BEARS
The Vikings are one of this year’s intriguing teams. They dominated last year with Darnold. Will JJ live up to that performance? Was it all fraudulent? Probably not. Some people are high on the Bears. I am not. The Bears are gonna be bad.
If the Bears win, I will draw Caleb dressed up like Mike Ditka
A TIE
Both teams as Two Face, having a bad day on the toilet
There will be no comic for tomorrow as this is the season starter tradition. Give me your predictions for the chaos of the year!
Indy shooting the Sword Guy was Raiders of the Lost Ark, dude.
Sorry, I’m in the middle of writing a quiz for an anime con next month, and they want me to make it a stinker. I am locked the fuck in. Moo hoo ha ha.
You should totally make an answer being Alexander, from Fullmetal Alchemist
I predict the first chaos of the week will come from the commies and giants, because duh, something remarkably silly seems to always come out if their matchups.
The “Sword Guy from Last Crusade”?? Do you even hear yourself?
Let’s be nice. Its Week 1 for everyone.
We are so back. Also don’t expect Pittsburgh to do crap this year.
Why did you draw yourself as bearded Pizzacake?
Hope springs eternal and I think the Failcons will be better than most think. My prediction though is that we are sunk because of a slow start because our coaching staff does not believe in the preseason being used to play actual football. I expect a lot of penalties and procedural issues in the first 4 weeks where we go 1-3 before finishing the season 8-5 to miss the playoffs at 9-8. If this happens, I will update my name here.
Browns v. Bengals may be the early candidate for Chaos of the Year. They’ve had a few shootouts before (Browns 51-45 in 2007, Bengals 58-48 in 2004). If the Preseason shows, the Bengals offense is ready, but the Bengals defense is…well…I was going to say fog, but the scoring stopped in the Fog Bowl once the fog showed up.
Assuming, the Bengals offense wasn’t a preseason mirage and the Browns offense can keep up, we may get another basketball score.
Week 1 Chaos game: Dolphins @ Colts. Both teams score 40+, Ends on the 1st play of overtime via fumbled kickoff that bounces into the endzone for a safety.
Chaos team (good): Cardinals, 10-7 with bottom 5 offense & bottom 5 defense.
Chaos team (bad): Miami (My fav team), Start 6-2; finish 6-11.
Surpise winner: Patriots; 11-6, win the East, gets killed by KC in the divisional round.
Super Bowl pick: Packers win 34-20 over Kansas City.
I’d like to lock in my official nomination for the Colts as this year’s most unwatchable team. The Saints will be bad, (and also unwatchable) but if Kamara and Shaheed can stay healthy, they’ll at least produce a few highlights. I cant think of a single player in Indy that really jumps out as being explosive producers.