The Horror Returns For 2018
Happy Halloween, readers! The annual horror of Joe Buck makes his triumphant return, just as baseball ends in the most horrifying of results: more Boston smugness.
I have an extremely horrific confession to make.
I don’t hate Joe Buck all that much any more.
He’s not good. He’ll never be good. He’s still too droll, he’s still a robotic shill, and his face is extremely punch-able. But…I don’t know. I’ve grown to accept him. It feels like he’s made a genuine effort to be less robotic and monotone and have some fun in the booth and although some of it comes across as forced, when he actually lightens up I don’t hate him. I am fine with Joe Buck now.
I’ve grown to hate Troy Aikman a lot more. Troy Aikman has gone the way of Phil Simms in that the game is so far past him at this point that his color commentary is useless, so everything he says feels inane and pointless, or it meanders because he doesn’t know what to do. Maybe that is the concussions finally catching up. During the Cardinals/Broncos warcrime the two of them actually started just shooting the shit by the end and Joe came across as very like-able while Aikman sounded like that guy who is trying to figure out what is cool and severely missing the mark. He actually said “Who actually listens to Podcasts?” and even Buck laughed at his stupid ass. Mr. Aikman, as a man with a z-level podcast with like 10 fans, how dare you. Coincidentally here’s a link to the podcast I hope you like it.
Aikman is trash, I still hate Cris “HERE’S A GUY” Collinsworth, but the kicker has to be the new Monday Night crew. Joe Tessitore is fine, a play by play guy can be dragged down by those around him and this is definitely a case of having no support crew. Jason Witten was not ready for primetime. ESPN clearly thought they’d catch the Romo magic with Witten and it has not worked at all. Witten sounds more out of place every week. Witten constantly identifies plays wrong and has the absolute worst tendency to start a sentence and trail off before completing it. Most of his mistakes feel like rookie problems though, and you can frequently tell that his brain is working faster than his mouth and he is struggling to properly connect the two into coherent commentary. That’s why half his sentences vanish into the void and why he flubs names and such. Given time, Jason Witten might become serviceable. Right now, he belongs on a c-team somewhere till he can find his rhythm.
Booger might be worse. He’s not in the booth but he seems to talk more than either Joe or Jason. Booger never shuts up. He’s got the Collinsworth bad habit of doing “back in my day” career comparisons all the time and most of his ancedotes go nowhere and don’t matter. The Dude talked about how he used to piss his pants on the sideline and when the other two begged him to stop, giving him an easy out of this weird place he’d gone to, he kept going. Now, that’s hilarious as hell, but it is not good commentary. Also his stupid TV cart is dumb. I hope this team flies into the sun.
Give me your announcer opinions! Then give me your Halloween candy opinions! What is the worst Halloween candy? The answer is Whoppers.
No mention of Mark Scherleth? A guy so stupid he makes Gronk look like fucking Stephen Hawking and has me begging for a Phil Simms/Jon Gruden tandem? Dan Fouts annoys me too, even though he’s not bad, but because I only hear him during certain Broncos games and he always spends the entire broadcast pissing on them because he never got over Elway’s Colt’s holdout costing him money on his contract renegotiation.
Also, the worst Halloween candy are peanut butter kisses.
I’m sorry but Spero Dedes just doesn’t have the voice to announce football. He constantly sounds like his real passion is getting high in Santa Monica and hitting the waves after having a cheeseburger on the beach. Not a bad life goal, but I don’t think announcing in the NFL is the right way to do it.
I honestly think that as bad as the MNF crew is, the alternate crew was even worse. Beth Mowins was just regular bad, like Joe Buck or someone, but man o man Brian Griese is nearly as bad as Collinsworth. That was painful to listen to.
Buck as a baseball commentator isn’t actually too bad, it’s a pity his football commentary is garbage.
Also, I’d rather have the Red Sox win the WS than the god damn DODGERS.
It was lose-lose. Baseball season ended for me when Milwaukee and Houston lost.
For me the Yankees. To think they may have came the closest to beating the Red Sox compared to the Astros and the Dodgers.
The Yankees winning is just as bad as the Red Sox or Dodgers.
Still good for my side, plus Red Sox fans are worse when it comes to that. As the end of the series happened despite playing against the Dodgers, they still obsessed over the Yankees.
If you haven’t seen the show Brockmire, you should check it out. Buck shows up as a rival to the main character a few times and it really made me realize he’s not as much of a turd as I thought he was. Collinsworth still sucks though.
Worst commentator: Collinsworth. (Agree w/ poster above that Buck is tolerable w/ baseball, much more annoying w/ football.
Worst candy: Candy corn. Yes, whoppers suck too, as do lemon Starburst. Or lemon Jolly Ranchers, or lemon Skittles. Screw lemon-flavored candy.
HERE’S A GUY is sooooo spot on. Every other line he seems to say that. Even if you play a Madden game.
The ESPN MNF crew is trash, they just suck. I also don’t like how they put Booger on a crane so if you paid for really good seats but were just that unlucky you end up watching TV on Booger’s crane the whole time. Plus they talk about themselves too much, last week they were talking Lebron like what the flux capacitators, I CAME HERE TO WATCH FOOTBALL NOT MORE OF ESPN’S LEBRON FETISH.
ESPN has a fetish for a few players, some of which don’t even play a sport currently. No one can make it past a segment without bringing up Tim Tebow, Colin Kaepernick or Johnny Maziel.
Don’t forget LeBron. I remember seeing a First Take clip where they used Klay Thompson’s 50 point game to talk about if LeBron wanted him.
Yeah and now and then they would still try to spin a way to make LeBron better than Jordan. That is why I’m looking forward to the day when a new hot phenom shows up and ESPN jumps to his bandwagon.
Buck is solidly middle of the road, and he’d probably be down in the 2nd or 3rd team spot if it wasn’t for his dad. Agreed that he’s definitely lightened up as of late, and it showed a lot during the baseball ASG this year when he clearly was trying to have fun, and Smoltz (who is like Aikman personality wise but actually has knowledge) was being the stick in the mud. Look at what happened with Nantz after he got Romo: he got a lot better, loosened up a lot, and started having fun.
Worst Commentator: Pierre McQuire.
Worst “Candy”: Apples
So apparently the news broke late, but if you wanted a truly scary Halloween post for today, you should’ve posted a highlight clip of the freshly RE-installed Buffalo Bills starting QB Nathan PeterMINTS. Most Bills fans seem to think it’s a combination of a horror movie and an April Fools Day prank gone horribly wrong. I just saw one headline that said “Bills sign Terrelle Pryor, who immediately becomes Buffalo’s best quarterback and receiver.” That’s hilariously and tragically sad all at the same time.
That’s a joke recycled from the 2016 Browns.
Also, Peterman seems to be this year’s winner of the “God has decreed that one completely awful QB will play no matter what” sweepstakes. Like Weeden in 2013, when he was the Browns’ fourth best QB but kept coming back because everyone ahead of hi kept getting injured.
I seriously don’t think that’s a joke. When your choice is Peppermints or Pryor, why not roll the dice on Pryor. He was a mobile QB and liked to run. With that line, that seems to be part of the job description.
The Terrell Pryor conundrum still holds true for the Bills…
https://youtu.be/JZmQmJl6ek4
Wow…..I really hope they play Pryor at QB because why not.
I said the same thing about Josh Cribbs in 2008, when they were down to Dorsey and Gradkowski as actual QBs on the roster.
Boog slightly redeemed himself with the “Kelvin Benjamin is one popeyes biscuit away from being a tight end.” Roast.
Slightly.
Very
Very
Very
Slightly
Anything with coconut in it is the worst candy.
And Buck is still one of the worst, especially from his baseball calling this postseason. Not just from his monotonality which is omnipresent but you could hear the poison in his mouth anytime Puig did something that upset his “THE WAY THE GAME SHOULD BE PLAYED” sensors
Worst candy: Bit O’ Honey
https://me.me/i/the-way-see-it-mlbmeme-gametisamust-win-game-for-both-3554881
I do enjoy when Joe and Troy stare lovingly into eachother’s eyes though. They need to kiss and get it over with.
Also fuck Mallow Cups. Worst candy ever.
BRING JAY TO THE BOOTH YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO SEE THAT. But he’s actually come across well enough on his wife’s reality show that I don’t think it would be a total disaster.
Simms, Collinsworth, Aikman, Romo, Witten
If you’re this committed to the NFC east, broadcasting companies, can we at least get some got dang Eagles in the booth?!
Don’t act like you don’t want to experience Brian Dawkins doing color
Cris Collinsworth never played in the NFC East.
He played for the Bengals his entire career.
Collinsworth played for the Bengals.
i basically hate all color commentators with the fire of a thousand suns
just fucking describe whats happening in case i look away for a second and otherwise assume i either already know what youre talking about or dont give a shit
worst fucking candy is skittles goddamn
What about durian candies?
yeah those would definitely inhabit the skittles tier of “candy”
Worst is Jeff Fisher.
Collinsworth is the football Steve Garvey, therefore, he is the worst.
Worst Halloween candy: they apparently make Halloween Peeps now…
And to the candy corn haters, I’ll take it off your hands. Thanks.
Dave Rappoccio……now here’s a guy that really is creative in finding ways to get Joe Buck involved. You know he’s coming. You almost know when he’s coming. But Dave……he’s just SOOOOO GOOD at finding ways to sneak him in there.
Try reading it exactly as Chris Collinsworth would say it…..
Now *that* sent chills down my spine.
That sounded like how people used to describe Mariano Rivera’s cut fastball.
The worst halloween candy is any one where it’s a random assortment. NOBODY WANTS YELLOW STARBURSTS OR ORANGE SWEETTARTS. The excitement of getting those things only to find that you got duds is the worst.
Woah fuck you buddy, yellow and pink Starburst mashed together make pink lemonade and its delicious.
The best (national) announcer is actually not TV, but radio: Kevin Harlan, when he does Monday Night Football for Westwood/CBS. He somehow manages to take that frantic energy he has doing basketball play-by-play and tweaks it just perfectly for football, regardless of whichever other guy that stick in the booth with him that night. He even manages to make complete snooze-fests exciting.
Best Candy: I agree Dave, Reese’s PB Cups. But the actual ones, not the pumpkins or ghosts or whatever they have. The only variant that tastes right (or better) than the PB Cups are the PB Eggs for Easter.
Worst: Since no one (around here) gives out those Mary Jane (no, the candy, not the other stuff) abominations anymore, the answer is clearly Necco wafers. If I (err… I mean, my kids) wanted chalk, it wouldn’t be for eating
Speaking of chalk, let’s collect all the smarties ever made and destroy them with all the Neccos. Good call on chalk textured candy being bottom tier.
Harlan is the goddamn best! He paints such a great pucture on the radio.
New England Confectionery Company (NECCO) went out of business. Definitely no one is giving them out anymore.
Around where I live, we have Smarties, which are basically the equivalent of Necco wafers but they come in the same packages as those rolls of Sweetarts. I remember having to check the packaging to see which it was; usually it was something like a 3:7 ratio of Sweetarts to Smarties (or decent things to chalk).
As a Vikings fan, I will always hate Joe Buck since he hates my team. I am gleeful that almost every time something shows the Minneapolis Miracle, they use local radio announcer Paul Allen rather than the Joe Buck call.
Also, I am one of the 10 people that listen to your podcast. I am also catching up on Sam’s RPG podcast. Pretty sure I am the one person in the target audience for both.
As far as Halloween candy goes, screw Smarties. No one wants to eat artificially flavored overly saccharine sidewalk chalk. I’m pretty sure the people who hand those out hate children.
Fun Fact: In Canada, Smarties are called Rockets, and a chocolate m&m type of candy is called Smarties
Witten is pretty damn awful. Romo is obviously one of the best, but I find that I actually miss the Tirico/Gruden crew. They were fun.
Worst candy is candy corn. I’d rather get a can of corn.
Probably unpopular opinion: I can’t stand Ian Eagle…even before Dan “Mr. Obvious” Fouts joined him.
Please tell me the name on the Christmas comic this year will be “The Draw Sleigh”. I need that in my life.
The best game of any sport I ever saw was on CBC when their announcers was on strike. Pure bliss.
Worst candy of all time: Candy Corn and it’s other shapes.
Best candy: Anything Taffy.
Aikman looks like Vince McMahon has been at the old HGH there. You watch tonight if you can.
Worst sweets: Hershey’s Kisses. Viiiiiiiiiiiiiile. The Parmesan of the chocolate world. How the same people who do Reese’s can do that is beyond me. And do NOT get me started on what Kraft has done to Cadbury’s chocolate.
I have a theory that people who cheer for teams in the NFC East (or maybe just NFC?) hate Joe Buck and/or Troy Aikman the most, and fans of AFC teams hate Collinsworth the most.
Collinsworth is definitely the worst.
Collinsworth just tends to gush and gush over superstar players that usually tear apart other teams that it’s hard to like him, because those other teams are often your team. He will never gush over players on your team, or he will but then it seems like he gushes about everybody so you won’t take him seriously. It’s gotten so bad that even my girlfriend yells at him on tv, telling him to stop sucking some player’s d*ck so much.
Worst candy by far is Rockets, which I just learned from Goober Geiber up there is what Canadians call things that Americans call Smarties.
Don’t you just LOVE Booger and his professor X crane chair?
“He’s not good. He’ll never be good. He’s still too droll, he’s still a robotic shill”
Droll means funny. I KNOW it sounds like it should mean boring, but it doesn’t.
Huh, so it does. That word needs a rebrand because I never see it used that way.
Booger is trying to give him a run for his money, but no one will ever top the stupidity of Dan Dierdorf and his double negatives…. “I’m not sure that what we didn’t just see was the greatest attempt at a one-handed catch in the history of football!” WTF?
I actually think Collinsworth is good. He analyzes plays really well and talks up the O-Line pretty good. He is no John Madden, but he is a cheap substitute in an age of sub-par color guys.
Romo is the best at it. He really goes in depth and adds a freshness considering most of these guys were his peers on the field.
all the others are awful. Aikman sounds is starting to sound like Terry Bradshaw.