Rest In Peace, Jared Lorenzen
This was a particularly sad break of news. Jared Lorenzen, former Giants backup quarterback and later glorious meme, has passed away at only 38.
If you didn’t know who Jared was, I’m sorry. Jared is a legend. You’d have to be to be remembered as fondly as he is despite not doing anything of note during his career. He had a good career at Kentucky, setting and still holding many school passing records, and from what I can tell is still beloved in that area. He didn’t get drafted, but the Giants gave him a shot in 2004. Eli used to play against Jared in college, and now they were on the same team from the same draft. He stuck around on the Giants for a few years, and notably was actually Eli’s backup during the 2007 miracle run. Jared has a ring. Better yet, according to Eli himself, Jared actually had a small role to play in the greatest play in Giants history. So Giants fans and Kentucky fans always kind of knew who Jared was.
He was out of football soon afterward until he randomly came back on everyone’s radar years later as the QB for the Kentucky River Monsters. That’s when he became a meme and regained a bit of popularity, where some of us resumed following him due to how fascinating he was. His career ended soon after his moment of fame came back thanks to a broken leg, but by then it was too late. He was legend.
I’ve obviously been sidestepping the reason why Jared is known, but discussion of Lorenzen is basically impossible without bringing up the main reason he was so interesting. Jared Lorenzen was basically an offensive lineman playing QB. He was huge. You genuinely never would have labeled him a QB. But despite his weight, which by itself isn’t that crazy for a football player, he remained kind of awesome at QB. He scrambled. He had a rocket arm. He ran around like a man half his size. It was incredible to watch. One of the best things in football is the classic rare moment we fondly refer to as “Fat Man Running With Football”, usually reserved for when a lineman of some sort ends up with a fumble or INT and then rumbles downfield. It’s glorious whenever it happens because you can forget these big guys really are still athletes. Jared was Fat Man Running With Football But Also Throwing It. He was unique.
As such, the man became a small football meme because he was an anomaly. He started gaining a ton of amazing nicknames. He seemed to favor “The Hefty Lefty” himself, but a lot of people used “Pillsbury Throwboy”. There was also “He Ate Me”, “The Abdominable Throwman”, “Round Mound of Touchdown”, “Big Beautiful Quarterback”, Most of the nicknames were honestly just fat jokes, but they were made with a loving admiration, because seriously, guys that big just don’t do what Jared did. I always personally preferred the nickname I decided to draw in the comic: Battleship Lorenzen. It seemed less mean and more badass. It makes him sound like the unstoppable tank he was. Jared’s celebrity was tied to his weight, but he seemed to make it part of his legend and he was amazing because of how it didn’t stop him.
His health still seemed to fail him in the end though, taking him far too early, which makes all the nicknames a little less funny. Last I read about the guy before this past week he had gotten a lot heavier, but was committing himself to lowering his weight and had dropped 100lbs. Hearing what happened was really depressing, and it’s a shame to see a football cult hero go down. RIP Big Guy. You’ll be missed.
I was a huge Lorenzen fan when he played at UK. He was different than any other QB and could do things others couldn’t do. A lot of that was because he was bigger than other guys. Every time I’ve seen his name somehow, I’ve always stopped and looked up stuff on him. He was just fun to watch to me. Waking up this morning and seeing this news was a gut punch. One, we’re the same age and that’s always hard to digest. But also, like you said Dave, he was really trying to improve his health then this happened. I wasn’t sure where this comic was going at first, then Jared showed up and that made me smile. Thank you. RIP 22.
My parents went to LSU so even though I’m a Ga Tech alumn I followed the SEC extensively especially during Jared’s tenor. He made watching Kentucky football interesting. RIP, Jared.
I love the football heaven comics. They’re the perfect combination of ludicrous and wholesome.
RIP to the Hefty Lefty
“Big Beautiful Quaterback”
Yup, I’m now the asshole who points out typos on the internet.
Favorite Jared Lorenzen Nickname?
Johnny the Absolute Unitas clubhouse leader followed by J-Load (personal fav) and He Ate Me
I remember finding out about Jared from his Arena League highlights and I gotta say for being over 350 pounds this dude could throw a nice football. I would dare even say he could have made a good O-Lineman but QB worked just fine for him. RIP Hefty Lefty
RIP. I like the Hefty Lefty, but the Battleship Lorenzen is as you said, more fitting for how bad ass he became.
The Battleship Lorenzen fits what he was so much better than any of the fat jokes (and a great old movie reference, to boot!). Godspeed, Jared.
Why is the field made of piss?
its margarita bruh
I’ll never forget his college years where he would pull a Tebow on every 3rd or 4th and short, except instead of sprinting forward through the line he would just casually move the pile forward then fall over and get it.
Tbh the football heaven comics might be your best work and I love all of your comics.
R.I.P. Pillsbury Throwboy
I’ll always remember that preseason video where he outruns Droughn to throw a block on couple of defenders ahead of him. The guy was surprisingly fast for his physique.