WEEK 17 CHAOS REPORT: BEARS, MY KINGS
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–I wonder how mad the NFL and Netflix/etc was that the Christmas matchups were all a pile of ass. I did not watch a football game on Christmas, I spent it with my wife, being happy. What did I miss? The eliminated and mid-ass Cowboys pee in the woeful Commanders cereal? The Lions squander their remaining gasp at relevance by shitting the bed against THIS? The Broncos almost (but not quite) fraud out against a Chiefs QB I’ve never heard of before a week ago? Leave Christmas to the NBA. The NFL doesn’t need it.
The Saturday Games were a bit more fun. The Texans jumped out to an incredibly hot start against the Chargers with two TDs in a matter of minutes but then the rest of the game was just a slow slog of the Chargers slowly inching up the scoreboard but not enough to win. Ravens/Packers was better. Seemingly learning a lesson after last week, Harbaugh simply fed Hungry Hungry Henry and El Tractorcito delivered. 4 TDs. 200 Yards. Angry Cheeseheads.
Sunday was…fine. The Bengals knifed the Cardinals. The Titans put together a good performance but the Saints have figured shit out and retook the lead late to win. The Bucs and Panthers both refused to stake their claim on the division, setting us up for the saddest win and in’s in several seasons. The Patriots committed unspeakable acts against the Jets. The Giants beat the Raiders. The Colts put up a fight against the Jaguars but Old Man Rivers officially came back to lose 3 straight games and see zero playoffs. The Colts are out of the playoffs after starting 7-1. Pathetic.
The meat of the week was in the Steelers playing coward ball against the Browns, Rodgers making several decisions that felt like he was desperate to avoid being the Myles Garrett record breaker. It did not work and the Browns won. This sets up Ravens/Steelers next week as our second Winner Take All. Eagles/Bills was our second quality game, with the Bills being butt for 3 quarters while the Eagles were butt for a different 3 quarters. The Bills looked to win the game on a 2-pointer and Josh Allen made the worst throw of the week to render all of this a waste of time.
Thankfully Bears/49ers gave us a high scoring ball-out. We needed it. Then Rams/Falcons gave us a laugher to give the week an amusing aftertaste.
GIANTS CORNER
–I enjoyed watching my team win a football game. I said it a few years ago when the Giants played themselves out of QB range that I will not root for tanking. Tanking implies your team will succeed by strategic failure. But for my entire life, every team that DOES magically pull itself from the ashes of a top pick is matched by just as many teams that did not. The pick only matters if you also make the right coaching and GM decisions. If you build the right support around the pick.
You have to get so much more right than just the pick. Franchise altering players can be found in every slot in the first round if you have competent people running your football team, a higher pick just increases your chance of not completely whiffing. The Bears drafting Caleb didn’t change their franchise. It was the combo of that, plus Ben Johnson, plus other choices. The Patriots drafting Drake Maye did not change their franchise. It was that, plus firing Jerod Mayo and hiring Vrabel, plus other moves. Drafting Jayden Daniels sure made for a good rookie year, but terrible choices beyond that have turned the Commanders back into a pile of shit. Has Cam Ward turned the Titans into a Titan? No. The Titans might have their guy, but they have to do so much more to make it work, and considering their track record….I don’t see it happening. Because the Titans are an incompetent organization. Draft picks cant save stupid.
The Giants are also a poorly run organization. They are drafting at the top of the order every year because they are stupid from the top down. Trickle Down Idiocy. A #1 pick isn’t likely to change that. It took the Jaguars years, multiple coaches, and other high draft picks to unlock current Trevor Lawrence. The Jets have drafted near the top for over a decade and look at them. Year in, year out, garbage. I am so sick of seeing furious Giants fans treating the draft like the magical cure-all lies just a pick higher than the one we got. No! Our team is incompetent and stupid, and that pick wont matter if we don’t get a lot of other things right! Right now, all I want is Joe Schoen fired. I do not want another 2 years of some wasted coach under a dead regime. That will ruin whoever we pick. Rumors are very high right now that Schoen is sticking around. Why the hell do I want to invest that much emotion into this shit team?
I have no ability to affect the team’s performance. I want them to win football games. I would prefer they figure their shit out and become competitive again. But I see no evidence that getting the #1 pick is guaranteed to accomplish that like these fucking tankers keep suggesting. The only thing I can do is voice my opinion and make small monetary decisions to support them or not. So I’ve just…stopped wanting to be the kind of fan who spends the entire year angry. I will enjoy the wins when they come and hope they make the correct decisions going forward. That’s all I can do.
Sports is supposed to be a distraction. Entertainment. If I can’t enjoy my shitty team beating the crap out of an even shitter team once in a while because of what some unseen future might hold, what am I even doing here? I’ll take what joy I can get when I get it.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–I don’t know how long these Bears are for the postseason. Usually a team’s point differential is a good indicator of how good a team actually is, and the Bears point differential is pretty low. They’ve won a remarkable number of games this week on last second heroics. This isn’t sustainable. BUT IT SURE AS HELL RULES TO WATCH EVERY WEEK, I TELL YOU WHAT!
The Bears gave us another chaos masterpiece against the 49ers, starting with a pick 6 and ending with yet another last second desperation play that this time, fell short. In a week with mostly bland experiences, this was a welcome change of pace.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Rivers Tantrum. How I missed you, angry Philip.
–Cam Ward is Cool. Sadly, this play got called back. Still cool as fuck.
–Chase Young gave me a heart attack when he wouldn’t secure the ball on his fumble recovery. Yes, it is very cool you ripped the ball out like that. If the run to the endzone was any longer, it would have gotten popped out of his lose hands. Secure the ball you dope.
–Josh Allen blows it
–Brock Purdy can be really fun when he’s on.
THE VIBE CHECK
– You can tell Mike Vrabel played for the Patriots under Belichick because boy did he sure spend all Sunday making sure the New York Jets achieved nothing but pain and misery. That’s an honest, deeply ingrained hate. The Pats vibes are high. The Jets vibes are a dumpster. Aaron Glenn has not been given a great roster to work with, but compare how the Saints and even the Titans under an interim have looked this year with similar problems. Glenn sucks.
The Bucs, man. They have a chance to go to the postseason and redeem this 1-7 back-half skid of a season, but I don’t want them to. Do you? The Panthers are not particularly good either, but I feel like they are more consistently fun. I’d rather see the world’s smallest man in a playoff game.
The 49ers feel like they are reasonably healthy at the right time. They are dangerous.
-THE NFL HAS AN OFFICIATING PROBLEM of the week
– I watched less football than normal this week so no terrible blown call came to my memory. I’m sure everyone can name a few though. I think the Jags game had a few bad ones.
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–Last year, in week 17, the Giants balled out against the Colts to secure a lower draft pick. The game was almost assuredly won when they ran back a kickoff for a score. This year, in week 17, after the Raiders managed to crawl within 10, Deonte “bust ass” Banks instantly ran the kickoff back for a score. Poetry is funny.
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-I learned this week that the New York Jets have yet to intercept a pass all season. This got a bigger oof out of me than any single play did.
CHAOS WATCH
–Steelers/Ravens has the potential to get extremely stupid. I can’t wait.
-Bucs/Panthers has the potential to get very stupid, and it’ll be a horrible slog to watch. I can’t wait. In fact, get this: if the Falcons beat the Saints and the Bucs beat the Panthers, the Panthers still win the division because all 3 end up with the same record but Carolina has the divisional tiebreakers. We can’t be friends if you don’t desire this outcome.
-Who gets the #1 seed in the NFC? It’ll be fantastic. Sam, you broke the ghost curse against the Rams, can you do it against the 49ers?
FRAUD WATCH
–Debated putting the Giants in sleeper again but I knew that would make everyone mad at me. Despite playing for the top pick and currently sitting at #2, I feel comfortable in the belief that even these idiots are better than the Jets and Titans. The Giants are on par with the Browns.
This year has been a nightmare for the suspicious category because this year has been chaos. Who is good? I don’t know. The Broncos don’t feel like a one seed. The Patriots could be schedule merchants. The Bears are pulling miracles out of their asses. The Bills look like the worst team in the NFL sometimes. The Chargers are injured to hell. The Eagles offense is putrid. The entire AFCN and NFCS. Everyone is a fucking fraud except the teams who just suck ass. Next year I am going to turn the fraud meter into a spectrum graph like the chaos meter.
Did Sam Darnold break the Rams? The Seahawks loss was tough, but then they melt down against the Falcons in the first half, fight back, but then lose anyway. Many people thought the Rams were the best team in the NFL!
SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-5 Drives, 5 touchdowns. That’s how the Patriots came out against the Jets. It might have been a score over 100 if Vrabel committed to the bit instead of resting everyone for most of the second half.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The Lions didn’t have a lot of hope to start the week, but to go against Max Brosmer and look worse than the Giants did, that’s an accomplishment. Lions gotta figure some shit out for next year.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–They have competition, but this is the Raiders category to lose for the year.
CARTOON BETS FOR WEEK 17
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – USER SUBMISSION WEEK! Name your bet ideas and I pick my favorites! Also, give me an option for both teams winning if you can, because I’m not sure who I am picking yet. Some teams are likely to rest players and such which will affect my choices so I want to wait.
PANTHERS @ BUCS
The Bucs look like dead fish floundering around on cold, hard sand. I don’t want to see this team anymore. Panthers, win this shit.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
SEAHAWKS @ 49ERS
My heart wants the Seahawks to win this, but my brain thinks the 49ers end up with it.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
COLTS @ TEXANS
I dunno if Old Man Rivers even plays. Why sacrifice yourself against this defense for nothing?
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
BROWNS @ BENGALS
The only thing I want out of this game is Garrett getting the sack record.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
SAINTS @ FALCONS
The Saints. Kinda good now!
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
PACKERS @ VIKINGS
I assume Love is back for this and while I assume the Pack struggle against that Flores defense, Brosmer is very poopy.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
TITANS @ JAGS
Jaguars hate the Titans and will crush them
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
COWBOYS @ GIANTS
Giants might put up some points against the Dallas D but that offense is going to rip New York apart.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
CARDINALS @ RAMS
Fuck em up, Rams
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
CHIEFS @ RAIDERS
Raiders might actually have a chance with the Chiefs offense being so broken, but I doubt it.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
COMMIES @ EAGLES
Eagles probably just going to fart themselves into another ugly win
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
DOLPHINS @ PATRIOTS
Patriots dont have a ton to play for, but they probably win anyway.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
LIONS @ BEARS
The Lions are probably going to try to play spoiler and they kicked the Bears ass in week 2, but maybe these later season Bears have more to play for.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
CHARGERS @ BRONCOS
Chargers are resting Herbert so I assume the Broncos just win.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
JETS @ BILLS
Bills going to take out their frustrations on this piece of shit
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
RAVENS @ STEELERS
I don’t know if the Ravens will win this, but I want them to. Fuck off, Rodgers.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
A TIE
If we get a tie, YOUR BEST TIE IDEA
If the Lions win, draw Dan Campbell biting the kneecap of a shirtless Ben Johnson.
If the Cardinals win, draw Jacoby Brissett as Kronk from the Emperor’s New Groove, from the “You’ve got me, by all accounts, it doesn’t make any sense” scene.
If Miami wins, Mike McDaniel as Khan (as in Wrath Of) activating the Genesis D-vice – “with my last breath I spit at thee…”
If New England wins, the bit of Star Wars IX on Exegol (or whatever it was called) where somehow Emperor Flying Elvis survived.
If the Steelers win, draw Mike Tomlin stealing UrinatingTree’s lawn mower to go to the 9-8 Super Bowl
If a tie, draw a player from each team puking on each other in a Gravitron ride.
It’d be funny if the Steelers somehow wins it all with that record. The reaction from UT and the Jets fans would be hilarious and insane.
If the Seahawks win, The Darnold places his #1 seed on the pedestal he totally didn’t make for last year.
If the Dolphins win, draw Tua driving a snowblower, an homage to when the Patriots did that against them in 82 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snowplow_Game
If the Seahawks win, draw Sam Darnold Ghostbusting the ghosts of Darnold from the Jets, Panthers, and 49ers
If the Jets win, draw Aaron Glenn smiling and posing with the “I hate this team” kid. https://tenor.com/view/new-york-jets-jets-i-hate-this-team-nyj-metlife-stadium-gif-2931877999989623589
If there is a tie, draw the specter of Black Monday devouring both head coaches.
If the Commies win, draw Marcus Mariota getting revenge on the Eagle that killed the Oregon Duck: https://www.thedrawplay.com/comic/how-chip-kelly-made-his-decision/
I have some ideas!
If we get a tie, draw both QBs staring at each other, a bit miffed at the result.
If the Cardinals beat the Rams, draw Trey McBride, as a Cardinal, punching out Matt Stafford, as a Ram.
If the Falcons beat the Saints, assuming the Bucs/Panthers game ends in favor of Tampa, draw a Kirk Cousins Falcon, holding up a Bryce Young Panther while a salty Baker Mayfield Buccaneer stands by.
If the Ravens beat the Steelers, continue the misery: Have an absolutely enraged Rodgers get mocked by either King Henry or Lamar, similar to how you described the Packers playoff misery post Super Bowl 45.
If the Titans beat the Jaguars, draw Cam Ward giving a thumbs down to the state of Florida, in Jaguar teal, and a thumbs up to the state of Texas, in Texans blue.
If the Jets win, have Aaron Glenn tell an annoyed Josh Allen or Sean McDermott: “That was your last home game here in this stadium (referring to current Highmark Stadium) and you played like that? What a failure!”
If the Panthers win, draw Bryce Young winning the NFC South but it’s the Michael Scott handshake meme.
If the Bucs win (and the Falcons win), draw the Bucs celebrating on a Florida beach with Kirk Cousins’ dumpy butt as a storm cloud ready to rain/shit on their parade
If the Seahawks win, draw Sam Darnold as a Ghostbuster displaying back-to-back 14-win seasons
If the 49ers win, draw a Men in Black themed drawing about the black alternate jerseys
If the Colts win, draw Riley Leonard being paraded on his teammates’ shoulders for an undefeated 1-0 season. In the background, Philip Rivers hangs himself while Matt Schaub mourns with flowers.
If the Texans win, draw JJ Watt being a homer while calling the game.
If the Browns win, draw a depressed Joe Flacco after he lost both Browns/Bengals games.
If the Bengals win, draw a gleeful Joe Flacco taking out his frustrations on Cleveland.
If the Saints win, draw Thyler Shough telling dumpy Kurt to go Shough himself.
If the Falcons win, draw the earlier mentioned comic, but if the Falcons win and Bucs lose, draw dumpy Kirk partying after winning meaningless games.
If the Packers win, draw Brosmer buried under a pile of cheese.
If the Vikings win, draw Brosmer as the Packers owner, as he is now the daddy of all residents of Green Bay.
If the Titans win, draw Mike McCoy saluting Sexy Trevor for allowing him one final win.
If the Jags win, draw Sexy Trevor going Super Sayain for the playoffs.
If the Cowboys win, draw goblin Jerry Jones confused out of his mind that the last two wins were meaningless.
If the Giants win, draw yourself giving the finger to a bunch of Giants fans complaining about a worse draft pick (tanking is dumb).
If the Cardinals win, draw Murr from the Impractical Jokers doing the identical Spider-Man meme with Jonathan Gannon.
If the Rams win, draw Puka Nacua praising the refs for a change.
If the Chiefs win, draw Gardner Minshew and Patrick Mahomes as the “Lt. Dan, I got you some ice cream” hospital meme from Forrest Gump.
If the Raiders win, draw a senile and confused Pete Carroll who has no idea what just happened.
If the Commies win, draw a 1970s-era Cold War propoganda poster about the Red Commies mighty victory against the American Eagles.
If the Eagles win, draw a 1970s-era Cold War progoganda poster about the American Eagles mighty victory against the dirty Commies.
If the Dolphins win, draw Mike McDaniel pouring a saddeningly small bottle of Gatorade on himself.
If the Patriots win, draw Mike Vrabel running through a brick wall labeled “Super Bowl or Bust”
If the Lions win, draw Dan Campbel breaking Ben Johnson’s kneecaps.
If the Bears win, draw the lightsaber duel from A New Hope with Ben Johnson telling Dan Campbell “When I met you I was but the learner; now I am the master”.
If the Chargers win, draw Justin Herbet chilling on the bench smoking.
If the Broncos win, draw Sean Payton with a Tic-Tac-Toe gameplan or something similar (a callback to the 2012 Sean Payton at home comics from The Draw Play’s early days).
If the Jets win, draw a jet crashing into the Bills’ old stadium to demolish it for good.
If the Bills win, draw Football Moose carrying both the old stadium and the new stadium on his back.
If the Ravens win, draw King Henry steamrolling Old Man Rodgers.
If the Steelers win, draw Aaron Rodgers on ayahuasca saying that he sees sounds, and the playoffs.
If we get a tie, both head coaches sharing a bowl of spaghetti Lady and the Tramp style
Re Draft Picks and value being everywhere, there’s something to be said for the value (or lack thereof) of a #1 pick.
Who are the best QB’s of the last 10 years, coming into this year? Outside of Burrow The Perpetually Injured, the highest truly good QB is Josh Allen who was pick 7. 10th, 24th, 32nd, 199th. There were a couple early picks who showed promise to be “good”, but neither Darnold or Baker are on even their second team.
Yeah, Trev is playing great, as is Maye. But I’ll need to see more than one full season (see Washington and Houston) to see if they come down to earth.
My point isn’t that a #1 pick is worthless. It has value. But as you said, it’s way overvalued for the hype, and teams should still be trying to win games.
Also, I think there should be a weighted lottery for the top five or so picks. Just to help stop tanking. If you’ve only got a 5/15 chance of getting the #1 pick as the worst team, and a 4/15 chance as the second worst team, the incentive to lose goes out the window.
Also also, I think a team that picks in the top 5 one year, shouldn’t be able to pick in the top 5 the next year. You shouldn’t get a cookie for continuing to suck. You still have the pick to trade, but if you don’t, you “default out” until the fifth pick has been made, and you pick sixth. Stop sucking, trade for more picks, stop being a graveyard for elite talent.
Doesn’t seem to prevent tanking in the NBA.
Raiders win: Mark Davis eating a bowl of Kermit the Frog Leg Soup at PF Changs
Chiefs win: Walrus Reid attacking a pirate ship
If the Seahawks win, have Sam Darnold as a Ghostbuster
If the 49ers win, have the 49ers mascot bandaged up and seemingly immobile with a hunting rifle in one hand and a few dead ospreys, rams, and cardinals around him
If the Steelers win, Have Aaron Rodgers as the old guy in the ‘Call an Ambulance’ meme
If the Ravens win have Father Time, whomever played the best on the Ravens, and Aaron Rodgers emulate the ‘How many times must we teach you this lesson old man?’ Spongebob meme
If the Jets win, draw Sean McDermott getting distracted by a Jet flying uncomfortably close to a pair of towering buildings
If the Bills win, draw a Jet crashing into Football Moose’s pair of towering antlers as he hurdles out of the stadium one last time (and Sean McDermott watches with stars in his eyes)
If the Falcons and Bucs win the NFCS Dumpster fire has to burn bright.
2014 Reference:
https://www.thedrawplay.com/football-christmas-cards/
The more things change the more they stay the same
I am all for the chaos gremlin working the NFCS and we do have the every other week panthers and this one requires conditionals depending on if the Bucs get into the playoffs or not.
If the bucks win AND the falcons lose, Todd Bowles is clinging to the steering wheel of the pirate ship ship (his job)
If the bucks win AND the falcons win, David Tepper pours a beer over Todd Bowls holding a large W.
PANTHERS @ BUCS
If the Panthers win, draw Baker Mayfield as Homer Simpson setting cereal on fire.
SEAHAWKS @ 49ERS
If the Seahawks win, draw Seattle’s mascot Blitz claimjumping 49ers’ mascot Sourdough Sam’s #1 Seed Mine.
COLTS @ TEXANS
If the Colts win, draw Philip Rivers returning to QB Valhalla.
BROWNS @ BENGALS
If the Browns win and Myles Garrett get the sack record, draw Myles Garret being crowned the Sack King by Michael Strahan and TJ Watt.
SAINTS @ FALCONS
If the Saints win, draw a drunk Falcon being thrown out of Bourbon Street.
RAVENS @ STEELERS
If the Ravens win, draw Derrick Henry stiff-arming Aaron Rodgers to a Retirement Party hosted by his family.
If the Steelers win, draw Mike Tomlin putting another AFC North Championship inside the blast furnace.
For a tie: both QBs kissing a ref at midnight on New Year’s Eve.
If the Jets win, draw Rex Ryan with an incredibly white evil smile gazing down on the demolition of Highmark stadium
If the Giants win, draw Mike Kafka pouring a medium soda on Brian Schottenheimer’s head.
If the Steelers win, draw Tomlin as Freya snapping the necks of Huginn and Muninn as sad Harbaugh/Odin looks on.
If the Niners win, draw Sam Darnold haunted by the ghost of the 2024 Week 18 Vikings-Lions game, which was somehow also a “Win for 1 seed, Lose for Wild Card” deal.
If the Seahawks win, draw Sam Darnold defeating the ghost of the 2024 Week 18 Vikings-Lions game.
If the Vikings win, draw the NFC North celebrating the full “Division Standings Reversal” compared to last season. (If the Vikings lose but the Lions also lose, you could also draw this.)
If the Packers win (and Love is playing), draw Jordan Love celebrating that Toyotathon is still on until right after the regular season ends.
If the Packers win (and Love is not playing), draw Jordan Love sharing the Toyotathon magic with whichever QB is playing.
If the Falcons win, draw Freddie Falcon laughing and pointing a sign at Bucco Bruce and Sir Purr that says “Game Didn’t Matter Anyway”. (this should work regardless of the outcome of Panthers-Bucs)
If the Cardinals win, draw a cardinal burning on a funeral pyre, rising from the ashes like a phoenix as a shocked ram looks on.
If the Rams win, draw a cardinal burning on a funeral pyre for the 2025 season. Maybe throw Jonathan Gannon on there as well.
If the Eagles win, draw Nick Sirianni shutting down the equal distribution of NFC East division titles amongst the people.
If the Raiders beat the Chiefs, draw Pete Carroll as Wile E Coyote lighting a bomb that says “#1 Pick”
And if the Chiefs win, draw Andy Reid as Santa giving Carroll a present thta says “#1 pick”
Colts/Texans-
No matter which team wins, Philip Rivers gets sent back to his rocking chair
Ravens/Steelers-
If the Ravens win, a Raven perches on the tombstone of Aaron Rodgers croaking Nevermore
If the Steelers win, Rodgers gets a pie with several black beaks visible
No matter which team wins the panthers buccs game. Two hobos fighting over a dumpster fire.
If the panthers lose and are given the division by a falcons win, a 3rd hobo should be sneaking up to stab the buccs hobo in the back.
3rd hobo = Saints hobo
One thing is for certain, whether or not the Browns wins the last game, you should get an idea for Garrett if he succeeds on the sack record or not.
For Bucs/Panthers, if the Panthers win (or the absolute comedy of the Panthers losing but the Falcons winning), draw Bryce Young as Megamind going “I did it?”, standing on the top of Mid Mountain.
I can’t get this out of my head, it’s too funny.
CHIEFS @ RAIDERS
If the Raiders win, draw Geno Smith flipping off a broken tank
If the Raiders win, draw Raiders fans throwing themselves into a Black Hole.
The Patriots or Broncos could be hosting an AFC Championship game in a few weeks and Dave will have them as “suspicious”
JRPG Week
If Bucs Win: Draw Bryce Young in a Kingdom Hearts Game Over Screen
If Seahawks win: Draw Sam Darnold summoning Garuda (Final Fantasy XVI)
If the Colts win: Draw Riley Leonard as Traveler (Genshin Impact)
If the Bengals win: Draw Joe Burrow as Arlan and Myles Garrett as Peppy (Honkai Star Rail)
If the Falcons win: Draw Kirk Cousins cosplaying as Ashe (Final Fantasy XII)
If the Vikings win: Draw Max Brosmer as the Demon Wall (Final Fantasy XII)
If the Titans Win: Draw Cam Ward as Dimitri (Fire Emblem Three Houses)
If the Giants win: Draw Jaxson Dart as Seifer (Final Fantasy VIII)
If the Cardinals win: Draw Jacoby Brissett as Dark Riku (Kingdom Hearts)
If the Raiders win: Draw Geno Smith as Gilgamesh (Final Fantasy V)
If the Commanders win: Draw Jayden Daniels as Jing Yuan (Honkai Star Rail)
If the Dolphins win: Draw Quinn Ewers as Demyx (Kingdom Hearts)
If the Lions win: Draw Jared Goff as Rean Schwarzer (Trails of Cold Steel)
If the Chargers win: Draw Trey Lance as Ramuh (Final Fantasy)
If the Jets win: Draw Brady Cook as any Dragon Quest Hero of your choice
If the Ravens win: Draw Derrick Henry as Sephiroth impaling Aerith Rodgers (Final Fantasy VII)
If there is a Tie: Draw one QB as a Shadow Heartless and the other QB as a Dusk Nobody (Kingdom Hearts)
Panthers/Bucs-
If the panthers win, draw Bryce Young as Tom preparing to eat Baker Mayfield as Jerry.
If the Bucs win and take the division, draw Baker Mayfield as the muffin man, right down Playoff Lane.
If the Bucs win but lose the division, draw Baker Mayfield doing the depressed Spider-Man Meme, with the Bucs’ playoff hopes as the helicopter in the background.
Seahawks/49ers-
Draw the winning QB (Sam Darnold for the Seahawks, Brock Purdy or Mac Jones for the 49ers) going super off the 7 chaos W’s. (both teams are entering with 6 game winning streaks. Given how chaotic this season’s been and the stakes at hand, it seems like a fitting ending)
Saints/Falcons-
If the saints win, draw Tyler Shough getting drunk off of meaningless wins.
If the Falcons win, draw Kirk Cousins doing the Simpsons bar meme, throwing Bryce Young out of the bar (and Young subsequently returning to the bar).
Browns/Bengals-
If the Browns win, draw Shedeur Sanders as Bernie Sanders, doing the I am no longer asking meme (he is no longer asking to be taken for a bust).
If the Bengals win, draw Burrow lowering the Bengals’ competitive window into a grave, one last time.
Titans/Jags-
If the Titans win, draw sexy Cam Ward doing strength training, getting reps in for next season.
If the Jags win, draw Trevor Lawrence doing a nude photo shoot for the playoff advertisement pamphlets.
Colts/Texans-
If the Colts win, draw Old Man Rivers as a dojo master teaching C.J. Stroud his playing style via a grueling training session.
If the Texans win, draw C.J. Stroud asking how many times he has to teach Old Man Rivers this lesson, in the style of the Spongebob meme.
Cowboys/Giants-
If the Cowboys win, draw Dak Prescott calling the Giants Pathetic.
If the Giants win, draw Jackson Dart giving Jerry Jones a free medium soda.
Packers/Vikings-
If the Packers win, draw Jordan Love putting on a surgical glove, getting ready to do Taxidermy on a bear (or eagle, if PHI ends up getting the #2 seed).
If the Vikings win, have Nine (or Max Brosmer if starting) taunting the Packers with a can of Viking cheese from Wazzu (reference: https://creamery.wsu.edu/cougar-cheese/flavors/), saying that it’s better than any cheese that Wisconsin can produce.
Chiefs/Raiders-
If the Chiefs win, draw Brett Veach (the GM) generating a $44 million debt in Vegas, with a screen showing the Raiders’ tank brigade approaching Arrowhead with the intent to demolish it.
If the raiders win, draw Pete Carroll and Geno Smith revealing secret Seahawks uniforms over a busted Raiders tank.
Cardinals/Rams-
If the Cardinals win, draw Kyler Murray getting a 25 ram killstreak in CoD, preparing to launch a tactical nuke at SoFi.
If the Rams win, draw Matt Stafford meditating as Puca Nacua tries to annoy him out of said meditation.
Commies/Eagles-
If the Commies win, draw Marcus Mariota crushing the eagles (as the enemy), in the style of 1950’s soviet propaganda.
If the Eagles win, draw Jalen Hurts doing the “WTF is a kilometer?” meme over a pile of (figurative) dead commie bodies.
Chargers/Broncos-
If the Chargers win, draw Justin Herbert standing on top of a building, with an “If-Man” signal shining in the sky.
If the Broncos win, draw Bo Nix outrunning Justin Herbert at the end of a horse race, both as Umamusume.
Dolphins/Patriots-
If the Dolphins win, draw Tua as Bart Simpson writing “I will not be Tua Turndaballova” on the chalkboard.
If the Patriots win, draw Drake Maye doing the nae nae, except “whip” in the lyrics is replaces with “Drake”, and the “nae nae” is replaced by “Maye Maye”.
Lions/Bears-
If the Lions win, draw Dan Campbell biting the kneecaps off of Caleb Williams.
If the Bears win, draw Caleb Williams drawing up battle plans for the upcoming fight (game) against the Cheeseheads (Packers).
Jets/Bills-
If the Jets win, draw Brady Cook leading a squadron of jets to take back New York from the Bills.
If the Bills win, draw Josh Allen literally carrying the entire Bills team on his back into the stadium of their playoff opponent (whoever it ends up being).
Ravens/Steelers-
Draw the winning coach walking away from a cannon firing the losing coach into the sun, saying “mission complete”.
A tie-
Draw both QB’s making out, sloppy style. Bonus points if you make it awkward.
CAR/TB
Panthers: Baker Mayfield being struck by a pair of brass balls
Bucs: Bryce Young being shot out of a cannon on the ship
SEA/SF
Seahawks: Sam Darnold impaling Brock Purdy on the Space Needle
49ers: George Kittle as a prospector shooting down some seahawks
IND/HOU
Colts: Riley Leonard toppling Big Tex
Texans: Shane Steichen stuck in NRG Stadium’s retractable roof
CLE/CIN
Browns: Shedeur Shedoodooing on the Bengal rug
Bengals: Joe Burrow as a mite burrowing in Sanders’s skin
NO/ATL
(S)Aints: Sir Saint smacking a Falcon with his chin
Falcons: A falcon diving onto the face of Shough
GB/MIN
Packers: Clayton Tune turning the Vikings QB into cheese just by touching him
Vikings: A cheesehead being obliterated by the sound of the Gajallarhorn
TEN/JAX
Titans: Cam Ward tossing Lawrence off the Great Smoky Mountains
Jaguars: Trevor Lawrence flexing on Cronus/Saturn
DAL/NYG
Cowboys: Prescott wrangling Dart
Giants: Jaxson Dart as a dart thrown into Prescott’s neck
ARI/LAR
Cards: Pee-wee Gannon running over McVay with his bike
Rams: McVay laughing from below as Gannon is asplat, face down on the roof of SoFi Stadium
KC/LV
Chiefs: Chiefs players and the Walrus busting the casino
Raiders: Raiders plundering Reid’s cheeseburger vault
WAS/PHI
Manders: Josh Johnson breaking the Liberty Bell
Iggles: Eagles fan drinking from the Northwest Stadium sewage
MIA/NE
Phins: Ewers with a big jacket stolen from now-frozen Maye
Pats: Vrabel nuking a dolphin
DET/CHI
Lions: Dan Campbell with a bear’s kneecaps
Bears: Bears players BEARING DOWN on a sad lion (casserole optional)
LAC/DEN
Chargs: Trey Lance as a lance, striking Bo Nix while on a charging horse; Jim Harbaugh is the rider
Boncos: Generic Walmart associate insulting Jim Harbaugh
NYJ/BUF
Jets: Brady Cook as a jet
Bills: Bills fan diving onto and breaking a jet… somehow
BAL/PIT
Ravens: Steely McBeam ruining his room trying to catch the Raven
Steels: Aaron Rodgers ominously dissecting a raven
Tie: Both QBs, in suits, on opposite ends of a table, with absolutely nothing on mind.
Make it FromSoftware week!
If the Cardinals win, draw Kyler Murray as a Vulgar Militia
If the Rams win, draw Matthew Stafford doing the Lightning Ram ash of war
If the Browns win, draw Myliketh Garrett
If the Bengals win, draw Joe Burrow as Messmer the Impaler
If the Lions win, draw Dan Campbell as Godfrey, the First Elden Lord
If the Bears win, draw Ben Johnson as Red Bear from Shadow of the Erdtree
If the Packers win, draw Jordan Love and Micah Parsons as Sister Friede and Father Ariandel
If the Vikings win, draw Will Reichard, Lord of Blasphemy
If the Colts win, draw Philip Rivers as Manus, Father of the Abyss
If the Texans win, draw Will Anderson and Danielle Hunter as Ornstein and Smough
If the Chiefs win, draw Andy Reid and Patrick Mahomes as the Godskin Duo
If the Raiders win, draw Maxx Crosby as that one banished knight with the two swords from Castle Sol
If the Chargers win, draw Justin Herbert as Godwyn the Golden
If the Broncos win, draw Bo Nix as the Putrescent Knight
If the Dolphins win, draw Mike McDaniel as the Orphan of Kos
If the Patriots win, draw Drake Maye as Bayle the Dread
If the Saints win, draw Tyler Shough as Saint Aldrich, Devourer of Spencer Rattler
If the Falcons win, draw Bijan Robinson as the Guardian from Nightreign
If the Jets win, draw Breece Hall as Sir Alonne
If the Bills win, draw Josh Allen as Yhorm the Giant
If the Titans win, draw Cam Ward as Margit the Fell Omen
If the Jags win, draw Trevor as Queen Marika
If the Commanders win, draw Jayden Daniels as Artorias of the Abyss
If the Eagles win, draw Nick Sirianni and Kevin Patullo as the Flexile Sentry
If the Cowboys win, draw Jerry Jones as Sword Saint Isshin
If the Giants win, draw Cam Skattebo as the Fire Giant
If the Seahawks win, draw Sam Darnold as Radagon of the Golden Order
If the 49ers win, draw George Kittle as Slave Knight Gael
If the Panthers win, draw Bryce Young as Sekiro
If the Bucs win, draw Baker Mayfield, Mike Evans and Emeka Egbuka as the Abyss Watchers
If the Ravens win, draw Lamar Jackson as one of those giant crows from Caelid
If the Steelers win, draw Aaron Rodgers as Gwyn, Lord of Cinder
In the event of a tie, draw players from both teams as The One Reborn
If the Dolphins win, draw Drake Maye choking on his final cupcake of the season.
If the Seahawks win, draw all of the sacrifices made this season to keep CMC upright vanishing in the holy light of GEOQBUS.
If the Chargers win, draw the dark magic the Broncos stole from the Chiefs this year looking for a new host.
If the Steelers win, draw a shark driving a semi-truck with the label “I am filled with turnips”, while a gremlin sneaks along the top. To which Aaron Rodger’s comments “…and that’s how babies are made!” To a confused child Lamar Jackson.
Here are my submissions for my favorite week of the year! Good luck everyone 🙂
COWBOYS @ GIANTS
>If the Giants win, draw Mad Scientist Dave celebrating while angry NYG fans of tanking surround the house with pitchforks and torches
>If the Cowboys win, draw Dak/Pickens/Lamb/Williams/Aubrey/Turpin as the Ridiculous 6 Outlaws
COLTS @ TEXANS
>If the Colts win, draw Philip Rivers running to the hospital yelling “dadgum” the whole way, excited for more free healthcare
>If the Texans win, draw DeMeco Ryans wearing the biggest sombrero you can draw
RAVENS @ STEELERS
>If the Ravens win, draw Tractorcito as a combine harvester, shredding Rodgers
>If the Steelers win, draw smug Rodgers watching Tractorcito drive into a steel beam
TITANS @ JAGS
>If the Jags win, draw Trevor Lawrence as Calvin peeing on Nashville all the way from Jacksonville
>If the Titans win, draw Cam Ward as the king of the swamp
SEAHAWKS @ 49ERS
>If the Seahawks win, draw Sam Darnold defeating Purdy the prospector in a duel
>If the 49ers win, draw Purdy prospector blowing Darnold INTO a ghost with dynamite
CHIEFS @ RAIDERS
>If the Chiefs win, draw Kelce tearfully celebrating the end of his bachelor days with Big Red and bandaged Kermit
>If the Raiders win, draw Maxx Crosby as the “guy she tells you not to worry about” meme with Swift and Kelce
CHARGERS @ BRONCOS
>If the Chargers win, draw a lightning bolt striking the #1 seed out of Blucifer’s grasp
>If the Broncos win, draw Sean Payton giving Jim Harbaugh a wedgie
BROWNS @ BENGALS
>If the Browns win (and Garrett gets the record), draw Myles picking his teeth with the leg bone of Burrow or Flacco, whomever he sacked
>If the Bengals win, draw Chase and Burrow on a yacht celebrating with an “offense moral victory” banner while the Cincy defense watches from a rowboat
PACKERS @ VIKINGS
>If the Pack wins, draw a giant cheese wheel squashing Max Brosmer
>If the Vikings win, draw Brosmer splitting a giant cheese wheel with a Viking axe
COMMIES @ EAGLES
>If the Commies win, draw Quinn sending Josh Johnson to die heroically for the motherland
>If the Eagles win, draw Hurts as Sam Eagle teaching Jaylen Daniels how to play football
DOLPHINS @ PATRIOTS
>If the Patriots win, draw Vrabel eating a delicious dolphin sandwich with May(o) sauce
>If the Dolphins win, draw Mike McDaniel, secret Miami>Boston underground DJ
PANTHERS @ BUCS
>If the Bucs win, draw Pirate Baker making tiny Bryce walk the plank
>If the Panthers win, draw tiny Bryce somehow winning a swordfight with Pirate Baker
JETS @ BILLS
>If the Bills win, draw a buffalo herd wearing Jet packs
>If the Jets win, draw fighter planes blasting the flying buffalo out of the sky
CARDINALS @ RAMS
>If the Cardinals win, draw Trey McBride and Marvin Harrison taking Puke-a Nacua’s lunch money
>If the Rams win, draw Matthew Stafford’s cannon arm launching Jonathan Gannon into the sun
SAINTS @ FALCONS
>If the Falcons win, draw Raheem Morris egging Kellen Moore’s house
>If the Saints win, draw Shuck achieving sainthood despite his blasphemous last name
LIONS @ BEARS
>If the Bears win, draw shirtless Ben Johnson wrestling a lion
>If the Lions win, draw Dan Campbell biting a bear’s kneecap
A TIE
>Draw both QBs dejectedly sitting on a desert island drinking pina coladas
Miami coded frosty is fucking killing me. I need him to be a recurring character.
If the Niners win, show them hitting Mike McDonald over the head with their crutches.
If the Dolphins win: Gronkowski, struggling to solve the angle for a trigonometry problem on a whiteboard.
If the Steelers win, draw Mike Tomlin and Aaron Rodgers celebrating at the top of poop mountain (with the sign AFC North Summit next to them)
If the 49ers win, draw Brock Purdy as Malenia, Blade of Miquella, who will show you true horror.
For the Patnthers/Bucs – The losing QB as a baby in a high-chair crying and pushing their unwanted food, the NFCS Title, onto the winning QB.
If the Seahawks win: Draw San Darnold in an ascot pulling the mask off Miner 49er
I pee on your desired NFCS outcome, and fart on it for good measure. Panthers and Saints wins leave the Bucs, Falcons, and Saints in a three-way tie that the Saints win for second place. And if that happens, I wanna see Sholave as something like Woody & Buzz or the scary twins from The Shining. (Olave is unfortunately out with a blood clot in his lung this week, so I’m praying for him, and for Juwan Johnson to have the game of his life)
If the Colts win and Rivers plays, draw Rivers and all of his kids stomping on CJ Stroud
If the Seahawks win, draw Kenneth Walker III morphing into a K9 dog like an Animorphs book cover.
AFC North
Browns win: Myles Garrett winning a sack race
Bengals win: Evan McPherson kicking Brownie the Elf through the uprights
Steelers win: Mike Tomlin close up with a Tomlinism of your choosing
Ravens Win: Derek Henry catching catching up to a speeding car labeled playoffs ALA the T1000
I feel like next year you should make the picks but have the fans decide what the drawing is.