The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–That was about as good a Wildcard round as I could have hoped for. Tha Chaoffs are delivering. Our weekend started with the upstart disrespected Panthers giving LA a run for its money. I’ve been a Bryce and Panthers hater for a while but this season has roped me into hoping the little short stack can do it. We need more examples of QBs who are developed instead of discarded as busts the instant they don’t work out. If Bryce can become a decent QB after the sheer lows he was hitting his rookie and early second years, there is hope for everyone. Patience is a virtue, and too many guys are just thrown away so fast.

LA eventually took care of business but the vibes have been off since the streaming incident. The Panthers would struggle but just when LA appears to be ready to pull away, the Panthers would #keeppounding me back in. The game went to the wire, and the Panthers should be proud of what they did this season.

Jacksonville/Buffalo wasn’t a blast on the scoreboard but it was a blast to watch. I got worried about the Jags when I noticed how easy their schedule was during their big win streak (outside Denver), and they proved my worry right. Despite Buffalo having a great pass D and a horrible run D, Liam kept trying to make the pass game happen and it obviously wasn’t going. Their run game was working, it felt like a classic case of a coach outsmarting himself. Then Moose went and did Moose things. It looked like we were setting ourselves up for a magical final drive attempt by Jacksonville when almost instantly the game ends on a tipped ball.

The Patriots faced their first big test besides the Bills and they handled it. My prediction on this game was that LA was too injured on the line to keep pace with the Pats and that New England would slowly pull away after a close, tense game. I was right, but I wasn’t expecting it to be such a defensive struggle. The Pats offense was mostly stymied and in most games they would have gotten beaten. But they made the best of their defense and smothered the Chargers so much it didn’t matter. Greg Roman is not a good offensive coordinator and he/Harbaugh had zero answers for the defense. Herbert…poor Herbert. No protection all game, running for his life, nobody downfield helping him. Collinsworth kept trying to say the Chargers O-line was doing well and I don’t trust a thing that man says anymore, Herbert was getting murdered. The game felt out of reach at 9-3, well before the only touchdown.

Lmao Eagles. Lmao. The 49ers lost George Kittle in the first quarter to the dreaded Achilles tear and had to rely on fancy tricks to score on that Vic Fangio defense. If the Eagles were competent on offense at all, this would have been an easy win. But alas. But this year has been abysmal for more than just Kevin Patullo’s vanilla sadness playcalling. AJ Brown fought with the team all season and shows up to the playoff game dropping everything. Saquon showed that even when healthy he is a pretty normal runningback when his offensive line isn’t elite. And this year really brought Jalen’s problems as a passer to the forefront again. Hurts has become predictable and if you take away his scrambling, he just isn’t a good enough arm talent to threaten you most of the time. Hurts has proven himself good enough to win it all under the right circumstances. If you take away those circumstances, he doesn’t seem good enough to compensate in the way a truly elite QB can.

And then we have the Texans sending Rodgers off into the sunset limping, bruised, bloody, and sad. Well, he was sad. I was laughing. A close tight game between two good defenses for most of the first 3 quarters (The Texans smothering Pittsburgh, but Stroud playing horribly to offset it). Then Rodgers gets strip-sacked and Sheldon Rankins runs it back for a score. That was probably the game, but we haters were eating good. His next drive, his last, possibly the last time he will ever throw the ball for a football team, he throws a pick 6 and gets run over on the tackle attempt. The world is a trash fire right now, but goddamn, watching Aaron Rodgers eat shit brought a tear of joy to my eye.

GIANTS CORNER
–Pretty much everything at this point hinges on what Harbaugh does. I don’t think Harbaugh is going to save the Giants should he sign up, but he will raise the floor and give me watchable football, so I’m fine with giving him a shot.

TBH I’m kind of at this point where I don’t really care anymore because it’ll probably not work out anyway.

CHAOS OF THE WEEK

–Bears, I don’t know how you keep doing this. I really don’t. 21-3 at halftime. All the breaks going Green Bay’s way. Even that lead should have been enough that the turtle coward Matt LaFleur could outlast it. Ben Johnson went for it and failed on his own 32 yard line. This felt like it was finally the breaking point for this miracle ride. The fraud was getting exposed.

I guess I should go back to church or something because the divine blessing is real. The fucking Bears, man. Caleb has the wildest accuracy I have ever seen. He will throw a pass so bad that I genuinely wonder if I could do his job, and then he’ll go out on the next play and do this. The Bears are so much fun. I want them to go all the way.

Every year I hear Packers fans saying Matt Lafleur is on the hot seat. He’s getting fired. He’s definitely toast. Hell someone commented that on a recent comic. I’ve never bought that LaFleur was actually in any danger. I’ve never seen any smoke that led to real fire and not just spoiled Packers fans projecting their hopes into the void. I think Packers fans have fallen into that age-old trap of coach privilege. When a team has a good coach, but they haven’t made any progress into the postseason for a while, so the fans start to turn on the coach not really respecting how hard it is to consistently win over and over every year. They’ve lost perspective on what a bad coach actually looks like. If a guy would instantly be a top coaching candidate everyone else wants to hire the second he’s let go, you might actually have a good coach.

I do think LaFleur is flawed. He turtles with a lead and coaches cowardly. If the Packers actually want to move on, I would kinda get it. But I think most of this is just wishful thinking by bitter Packers fans, and they are especially bitter right now. Oh look, rumors LaFleur is getting extended, how amusing.

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–What looked like the Packers dagger, for a brief moment
-DA BEARS

THE VIBE CHECK
– I fear for them, but the Bears vibes are immaculate. Even if they lose this week, they are feeling it.
-Packers and Steelers fans arguing with each other over which of their pretty good coaches needs to get the boot
-Eagles fans in despair until Patullo is fired, then things will be good again

CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–What the fuck was this
–SEND RODGERS TO THE SHADOW REALM
–SEND RODGERS TO THE SHADOW REALM EVEN HARDER FOR GOOD MEASURE

BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
–Panthers Muff punt
–Puka with the rare drop

CHAOS WATCH
–The Bears game is forecasted to have very poor, cold weather. That favors the Bears and their run game, otherwise, I think Stafford would pick apart this D with ease. LA has Dome Teamtinitus.

FRAUD WATCH
–Jacksonville, you were fun, but you were a fraud. Chargers, you may not have been a true fraud, but your offense sure was. Packers? You got exposed when Micah died so that’s not news. The Steelers werent so much frauds as they just weren’t that great.

SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-No particular game, but one particular matchup. The Patriots defense vs the Chargers offense. It’s rare to see an offense look so outmatched, let alone one in the playoffs. Eagles? Even your own fans knew you were frauds. Panthers? Hold your heads high, you left this season with dignity despite everything. Steelers? You at least scored two field goals, double the Chargers.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–I didn’t expect the Chargers to win an away game as the 7th seed, but I didn’t expect them to look so pathetic on offense either.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–Let’s just give the Chargers the clean sweep, shall we

BETS FOR THE WEEK: WE GOT SOME GOOD ONES. Patrons be sure to check Patreon for the rest, of which there will be one for every game, and the Jags one is…toasty. 

————————————————————

BETS FOR NEXT WEEK

BILLS @ BRONCOS
To be honest I have no idea how to call this one. I just straight up don’t know. Broncos probably win at home, I guess?
If the Broncos win, I will draw Bonix eating the Football Moose
If the Bills win, I will draw Football Moose eating Bonix

49ERS @ SEAHAWKS
Two weeks ago Seattle’s defense crushed the 49ers in SF. Earlier this year Brock Purdy beat Seattle in Seattle, and is 4-0 there. The Hawks have had a week off, just chillin, and Klint Kubiak has been interviewing for jobs so he might be distracted. This smells like upset to me.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Sam Darnold, ghostbuster
If the 49ers win, I will draw the 49ers players on IR as ghosts, haunting Sam

TEXANS @ PATRIOTS
The Texans defense is mean, crude, and rude, and better than the Chargers defense was. However, I think Houston’s offense is also worse, and Stroud looked terrible for much of that game. The Pats defense proved itself. The Patriots are not as weak as the Steelers were, I don’t think Houston’s offense will do enough and we’ll get a fairly close repeat of the Chargers game.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Mike Vrabel headbutting a bull
If the Texans win, I will draw the trophy for finally getting past the divisional round

RAMS @ BEARS
The NFL saved the stupidest game for last. Common sense says the Bears lose and Stafford/Puka/Adams eat that defense alive, but the Bears are on a mission from god.
If the Bears win, I will draw Caleb Williams and Ben Johnson as The Soldier Field Saints
If the Rams win, I will draw Matt Stafford as a big game hunter