The 49ers Have Angered An Elder God
Brock Purdy has been dealing with toe problems. Fred Warner just broke his ankle. George Kittle has spent most of the first 3rd of the season injured. Ricky Pearsall is hurt. Nick Bosa tore his ACL. Jauan Jennings is playing hurt. Jordan Watkins. Yetur Gross-Matos. Aiyuk is still out.
What are our theories here? Was Santa Clara built over a Native American burial ground? Is there an ancient god that watched over the bay area but requires tribute and Kyle Shanahan has not been giving it? Is the water rotten, leading to brittle bones? Are the players all just made with modern Silicon Valley technology, where they need constant software updates and break frequently? Are the MonStars here on earth, but instead of talent, they are siphoning out 49er player health?
I have no idea why this keeps happening. The 49ers have tried pretty much everything through the past few years to try and get the bleeding to stop. They’ve replaced surfaces, fired and hired new staff, sacrificed their newborn children, and nothing is working. It is only a matter of time until McCaffrey dies.
My personal theory is that it is because they play almost an hour south of the city they are named for and the gods find it abhorrent. The 49ers should not call themselves San Francisco. Even the New York Giants/Jets manage to play within a few miles of their namesake city, well within their namesake metro area. At least the Washington Commanders are moving back INTO Washington. At least the New England Patriots don’t call themselves Boston despite playing in the middle of the woods. The 49ers are basically in San Jose. They honestly should just rebrand to the San Jose 49ers. Go look at a map. Can you tell where San Jose ends and Santa Clara begins? No you can’t. Levi’s is a 40 minute drive (with zero traffic) away from Candlestick Point, their rightful home. I guess I could make a joke here about how SF prices are so bad they priced out their own football team.
Friday might not have a comic as my family is in town. Have a lovely week.
That elder god is Joe Montana; still pissed about getting traded to KC & losing his G.O.A.T title to Brady (check when San Fran started getting hit with the injury bug; right about the same time Brady went to Tampa).
Also, the 93 Oilers losing to old-ass Montana would make a good car crash comic.
It’s Shanahan. His scheming and coaching philosophy is what’s running his players ragged.
If Metlife were as far from NYC as Levi’s is from SF then it would be roughly equidistant between Philly and New York so the Eagles and Giants could share the stadium. I agree Dave, they should rebrand to San Jose and join the Sharks.
Or crib from the Angels and go with San Francisco 49ers of Santa Clara.
Also, San Jose has a higher population than San Francisco. It doesn’t have the reputation or prestige of the smaller city up north, but its a more than worthy city to have a second major sports team.
They could simply be the Golden State 49ers and that might satisfy the Elder Gods without having to dignify San Jose.
Should’ve wished for a turkey sandwich
As a New Yorker I feel the same logic should apply to the Giants and Jets. The reason I never rooted for either was them playing in New Jersey, a mortal sin (NJ Devils are very much hated here, especially back in the 90s). The Bills were too far away and Steve Young and Jerry Rice were balling out so the 49ers became my team.
I do agree with the sentiment. Candlestick was a great point and the city and York could have had something built on SF if there was patience rather than a desperate shot at the Olympics. Bay Area 49ers (esp with Raiders gone) and NY Metro Giants and Jets will suffice.
Oh and the injuries are awful. 3 years of major player injuries on a team with a SB window sucks royally. They still have Saleh so the defense may weather the storm but Bosa and Warner are the heart and soul of this defense.
As someone that grew up a 49ers and SF Giants fan… look, yes, the 49ers should have stayed in SF, or changed their name to the San Jose 49ers if they really wanted to move down the San Jose area.
But Candlestick was not great. Candlestick was pretty terrible for, you know, human presence. Those swirling winds made it one of the worst experiences, to the point where fans would ironically lean into the awfulness. Moving out of that frozen wind tunnel was a good thing.
Metlife is so close to the city. It’s closer to Manhattan than parts of Brooklyn & Queens so it never bothered me. If they played in South Jersey or somewhere else as far away from the city as Levis is from SF then it would be a problem.
I personally blame Kyle Shanahan for their plights. He clearly was part of some sort of Eldritch pact back in 2016 to get the Falcons to the SB but worded his request wrong which is why they lost. He thought he got out of the contract because they didn’t actually win so got out of town thinking it wouldn’t find him, but now the payment is coming due and it takes what it wants.
No I’m definitely not trying to justify in my brain why Shanahan leaving was actually a good thing because at least Steve Sarkisian didn’t have any daemonic contracts (that we know of).
Clearly these unnatural injury numbers are the price for whatever dark pact the 49ers made made to escape the fallout of the Trey Lance debacle. Do you you really think literal Mr. Irrelevent Brock Purdy being good was just luck? No, clearly the 49ers sold their souls to a demon to escape the consequences of their own incompetence. They got what they wanted. He became a franchise QB. The price was clearly everything else.
Honestly, the real issue is that Kyle runs notoriously rough practices so guys are near breaking before they even get to game time. It’s the only true constant with all of this and Kyle really needs to understand the value of rest.
I want to know how Shanny got ahold of Sean Payton’s monkey paw.
There’s the program called the Onion that let you go into the deep web…
The same one that led Rtika to E-Scorts.
Thinking about now, my theory for the 49ers injury woes and playoff heartbreaks is that it’s karma for how they treated Kaepernick towards the end of his tenure. Granted, his prime was long gone but it’s clear that he was blacklisted for what he did. Until the organization admits their role in that, then the struggles will keep happening.
Nice try.
Someone check on Dave… Is he okay?
He mentioned on BlueSky that he’s busy with family visiting this weekend and that his cartoon bets will be ready midweek.
Nael, I know he’s busy with family… It wasn’t checking on him for family being around or comics not being done .. it’s for liver damage from alcohol poisoning… I kidd, i kidd.
It was about how demoralizing that Giants game must’ve been. I didn’t even watch it or the highlight/lowlights, and expectations weren’t that high, but it’s gotta sting after so much promise the last few weeks
he made it clear he wasn’t buying into the giants fully yet, so I reckon he didn’t get his hopes up too high.
Reason #1 why Giants fans don’t need a wellness check: our rookie QB is doing EVERYTHING (other than sliding) to show that he’s the real deal. I’m not going to crown him until he keeps this up into Year 2, but SO FAR… he’s done everything to show he’s the real deal. Our future at QB is looking bright.
Reason #2: Giants fans have been dealing with this s#&% for a decade and a half at this point. It’s not surprising that we lost, only the fabulous new ways in which we manage to pull it off.
Any sane Giants fan knew, even considering how electric Skattebo and Dart have been, that they can only do so much to overcome an utterly incompetent coach/GM combo. EVERY bad roster move Schoen has made bit us in the ass last night, and EVERY bad coaching move Daboll has made bit us in the ass last night.
I’ve never been more excited as a Giants fan since Coughlin was fired, even after last night. That 4th quarter sucked, but it’s probably the nail in the coffin for Schoen and Daboll, so I think we’ll be ok. It is STUPIDLY obvious at this point that those two f@#&wads need to go.
A long time ago, I was here very day– if not multiple times every day. Been a while since I was a regular, but after today’s game, Dave, I really wanted to make sure you were okay.
I’m sure he’s fine, he’s a Giants fan, he’s seen much worse losses (He lived through the Giants/Ravens Super Bowl)
Exactly. I’m embarrassed about last night… but I just watched my rookie QB drop 30 points on the #1 defense in the league in only his 4th start, and then conduct what should-have-been the game winning drive had our defense not been coached by a moron. Compared to the last few years, I’m EXCITED.
Not to mention the time when Kerry Collins tripped on his own shoes in a game that helped define the dumpster fire of 2003 season.
You’re gonna have a field day with how the Giants decides that they should make the 1919 White Sox look like amateurs. It looked like they’re paid to lose what should have been a sure win.